Matt Simonson, The Stool
After a particular vigorous drinking session following the completion of her torts final on Tuesday, Patricia Clark, a William Mitchell 1L, went home with a man who was “cute and nice” only to be shocked into sobriety by her partner’s genitals when he took his pants off.
“I was shocked,” said Clark. “I sat there and stared at it and I wasn’t sure what to do. I must have looked funny because he said ‘do you like what you see?’ I didn’t want to make him feel bad, but it was just so disgusting I started to cry. I grabbed my shirt and ran – thank God we were at his place.”
Clark described what she saw that night as “one of the most horrific and stunning things I’ve ever been exposed to. It looked like a mutant – plus when he took his pants off I got this sudden waft of hair creme and African ointments. Oh God, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Excuse me.”
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Finals used as excuse for general bitchiness
Hans Olo, The Stool
When 2L Mark Shields was asked by his girlfriend if he would take out the trash this past Monday, Shields was having none of it. “I told her I’m in the middle of finals and I can’t do every little task she has for me right now. I said I need to study, not act like a fucking maid for once. Of course I was in the middle of watching Flight of the Navigator on TBS at the time, but I was still stressed.”
Many students like Shields find finals to be a time when they can be a dick, but still get away with it. “It’s especially true if you’re dealing with someone who has never been in grad school,” said Connie Xang, a Mitchell 3L. “If my roommate has music on and it’s bugging me around finals time, I’ll tell her to turn it the fuck off even if I’m done with my tests for the semester. If she doesn’t do it, I drop the guilt trip on her like a truck. The music always turns off after that.”
“The best part about being a bitch during finals is, when you apologize after they’re done, people always forgive you instantly,” said part-time 4L Liz Granger. “They’re like ‘oh I knew you were under a lot of stress. It’s okay.’ Finals ARE stressful, but, still.”
When 2L Mark Shields was asked by his girlfriend if he would take out the trash this past Monday, Shields was having none of it. “I told her I’m in the middle of finals and I can’t do every little task she has for me right now. I said I need to study, not act like a fucking maid for once. Of course I was in the middle of watching Flight of the Navigator on TBS at the time, but I was still stressed.”
Many students like Shields find finals to be a time when they can be a dick, but still get away with it. “It’s especially true if you’re dealing with someone who has never been in grad school,” said Connie Xang, a Mitchell 3L. “If my roommate has music on and it’s bugging me around finals time, I’ll tell her to turn it the fuck off even if I’m done with my tests for the semester. If she doesn’t do it, I drop the guilt trip on her like a truck. The music always turns off after that.”
“The best part about being a bitch during finals is, when you apologize after they’re done, people always forgive you instantly,” said part-time 4L Liz Granger. “They’re like ‘oh I knew you were under a lot of stress. It’s okay.’ Finals ARE stressful, but, still.”
Friday, November 30, 2007
Professor looks way different up close
Mary Atkins, The Stool
When 3L Roberto Domingez had a question after his Sales class last week, he was shocked that the person to whom he was talking was the same prof he had been listening to all semester. “I sit towards the back, and as I was walking up there it was like he was transforming,” said Domingez. “So I get up there, and the dude was super weird looking. I don’t know how to describe it – he just looked really different than he normally does during class. It threw me so bad I forgot what my question was for a couple seconds.”
2L Sheila Mowaddes had a similar experience in her evidence class. “I went up to the front during the break to ask something, and [the prof] looked so different I ended up just making eye contact, smiling, then kept walking. He must think I’m an idiot, but at that point anything he had to say about hearsay would have been drowned out by his liver spots in my head. Oh well.”
When 3L Roberto Domingez had a question after his Sales class last week, he was shocked that the person to whom he was talking was the same prof he had been listening to all semester. “I sit towards the back, and as I was walking up there it was like he was transforming,” said Domingez. “So I get up there, and the dude was super weird looking. I don’t know how to describe it – he just looked really different than he normally does during class. It threw me so bad I forgot what my question was for a couple seconds.”
2L Sheila Mowaddes had a similar experience in her evidence class. “I went up to the front during the break to ask something, and [the prof] looked so different I ended up just making eye contact, smiling, then kept walking. He must think I’m an idiot, but at that point anything he had to say about hearsay would have been drowned out by his liver spots in my head. Oh well.”
1L grateful to finally have something to talk about
Hans Olo, The Stool
Family gatherings like Thanksgiving and Festivus have proven to be full of awkward conversations for 1L Beth Page, but this year is different. “There are no more strained pauses,” said Page. “Usually during Thanksgiving dinner I would be sitting with one of my Mom’s cousins that I see like once a year, and after the ‘how’s work’ chit-chat died down my mind would race for something – anything – we could talk about. Finally, we have something.”
Law school has been the great social situation salve for Page. When the conversation dimmed, the ubiquitous “how’s school going” question served as a conversational spotlight. “God I loved hearing that question,” said Page. “It ate up enough time for someone else to join in so I could get out after a while without having to make up an excuse.”
Other students have had similar experiences. “I used to just skip going to any family function where drinking isn’t acceptable simply because I have nothing in common with most of them,” said 2L Bill Oslund. “But since I started school there’s always something to talk about. Of course now they expect me to help them solve their absurd legal problems, but whatever. At least I can leave my flask home most of the time.”
Family gatherings like Thanksgiving and Festivus have proven to be full of awkward conversations for 1L Beth Page, but this year is different. “There are no more strained pauses,” said Page. “Usually during Thanksgiving dinner I would be sitting with one of my Mom’s cousins that I see like once a year, and after the ‘how’s work’ chit-chat died down my mind would race for something – anything – we could talk about. Finally, we have something.”
Law school has been the great social situation salve for Page. When the conversation dimmed, the ubiquitous “how’s school going” question served as a conversational spotlight. “God I loved hearing that question,” said Page. “It ate up enough time for someone else to join in so I could get out after a while without having to make up an excuse.”
Other students have had similar experiences. “I used to just skip going to any family function where drinking isn’t acceptable simply because I have nothing in common with most of them,” said 2L Bill Oslund. “But since I started school there’s always something to talk about. Of course now they expect me to help them solve their absurd legal problems, but whatever. At least I can leave my flask home most of the time.”
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Hiring of new dean ends student’s parking spot loophole
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
Most students and faculty were happy to hear of the hiring of Eric Janus as Dean of Students at William Mitchell. One student in particular, however, was not so thrilled. 2L Dean Jannisek had to give up an incredible parking spot.
“For the last few months, I’ve had the best parking spot in the lot,” said Jannisek. “It’s the one marked ‘reserved for Dean of the College’, and it sucks that I have to give it up!”
As it turns out, Jannisek was the only person – student or faculty – with the first name “Dean”. “It was a loophole, for sure, but I’ve been spending all of my time here learning how to argue,” said Jannisek. “It wasn’t hard to explain to security that I was, technically, the ‘Dean of the College’”.
Jannisek was dismayed to drive into the William Mitchell parking lot and find that his spot had been taken. “It’s a long walk from the Grotto lot, and it’s starting to get cold,” said Jannisek. “I’ll just have to pony up the cash for a parking permit or find a new loophole, I guess.”
Most students and faculty were happy to hear of the hiring of Eric Janus as Dean of Students at William Mitchell. One student in particular, however, was not so thrilled. 2L Dean Jannisek had to give up an incredible parking spot.
“For the last few months, I’ve had the best parking spot in the lot,” said Jannisek. “It’s the one marked ‘reserved for Dean of the College’, and it sucks that I have to give it up!”
As it turns out, Jannisek was the only person – student or faculty – with the first name “Dean”. “It was a loophole, for sure, but I’ve been spending all of my time here learning how to argue,” said Jannisek. “It wasn’t hard to explain to security that I was, technically, the ‘Dean of the College’”.
Jannisek was dismayed to drive into the William Mitchell parking lot and find that his spot had been taken. “It’s a long walk from the Grotto lot, and it’s starting to get cold,” said Jannisek. “I’ll just have to pony up the cash for a parking permit or find a new loophole, I guess.”
“Humor edition” of student newspaper is unsurprisingly not funny
Duff McHammer, The Stool
When the William Mitchell Opinion released their first ham-fisted attempt at a “humor edition” last week, its “editors” expected to hear gales of laughter filtering through the hallowed halls of the school. Instead, they were met with uncomfortable silence or outright anger.
“I thought it was really funny” said one Opinion editor. “We showed it to our friends and parents before printing it and they all said it was good too, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Average students found the humor edition somewhat less entertaining than did its writers. “I didn’t know it was possible to take a shit on a piece of paper and print it, but here it is in front of me,” said 1L Sam Kloent while perusing one of the Opinion’s photo-copied pages. “I’m embarrassed for them, actually.”
While The Stool is often shabbily written and unfunny as well, Stool staffers at least know they suck. And, as anyone who grew up with a television in the 80’s will tell you, knowing is half the battle.
When the William Mitchell Opinion released their first ham-fisted attempt at a “humor edition” last week, its “editors” expected to hear gales of laughter filtering through the hallowed halls of the school. Instead, they were met with uncomfortable silence or outright anger.
“I thought it was really funny” said one Opinion editor. “We showed it to our friends and parents before printing it and they all said it was good too, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Average students found the humor edition somewhat less entertaining than did its writers. “I didn’t know it was possible to take a shit on a piece of paper and print it, but here it is in front of me,” said 1L Sam Kloent while perusing one of the Opinion’s photo-copied pages. “I’m embarrassed for them, actually.”
While The Stool is often shabbily written and unfunny as well, Stool staffers at least know they suck. And, as anyone who grew up with a television in the 80’s will tell you, knowing is half the battle.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Large cardboard boxes outside room 325 full of extra law
Hans Olo, The Stool
An extra pallet of law was accidentally delivered this past Wednesday along with the College’s standing weekly order. When the mistake was discovered, administration officials decided to keep it, but storage quickly became a problematic issue.
“As you know, William Mitchell is a law school,” said Director of Plant Operations Dale Finnely. “We need a constant supply of law shipped to us every week if we want to put out a product that our students will enjoy and find interesting. We knew we’d be able to use [the extra pallet] eventually, but we needed a place to store it.”
Storage space at Mitchell is at a premium according to Finnely, and there simply was not room to put the boxes anywhere else. “All of our law storage tanks were full from the regular order, and the emergency tank is, of course, always full. None of our other storerooms would fit the boxes – wine, food, and tables take up a lot of space. So we had a meeting, and decided that the hall space outside room 325 would be the most inconspicuous place to store the boxes.”
Finnely told The Stool an early proposition to paint the boxes to resemble the brick wall against which they lean was nearly passed, but concerns that red paint could not be located in time quashed the idea. “I think these valuable boxes add a sense of industrial elegance to the third floor that wasn’t there before. We might start storing full trash bags there when we burn through all that extra law,” he said. “Who knows.”
An extra pallet of law was accidentally delivered this past Wednesday along with the College’s standing weekly order. When the mistake was discovered, administration officials decided to keep it, but storage quickly became a problematic issue.
“As you know, William Mitchell is a law school,” said Director of Plant Operations Dale Finnely. “We need a constant supply of law shipped to us every week if we want to put out a product that our students will enjoy and find interesting. We knew we’d be able to use [the extra pallet] eventually, but we needed a place to store it.”
Storage space at Mitchell is at a premium according to Finnely, and there simply was not room to put the boxes anywhere else. “All of our law storage tanks were full from the regular order, and the emergency tank is, of course, always full. None of our other storerooms would fit the boxes – wine, food, and tables take up a lot of space. So we had a meeting, and decided that the hall space outside room 325 would be the most inconspicuous place to store the boxes.”
Finnely told The Stool an early proposition to paint the boxes to resemble the brick wall against which they lean was nearly passed, but concerns that red paint could not be located in time quashed the idea. “I think these valuable boxes add a sense of industrial elegance to the third floor that wasn’t there before. We might start storing full trash bags there when we burn through all that extra law,” he said. “Who knows.”
Thursday, October 18, 2007
1L pissed at God
Mario Mason, The Stool
After receiving low marks on three consecutive WRAP assignments, 1L Kelly Bahar is angry with God. “I prayed the shit out of that last assignment,” said Bahar, “and those assholes gave me a low score again! For the third fucking time! What the hell do I have to do to get a decent grade? Sacrifice a virgin or what? God is being a huge dick right now, and I’m getting tired of it.”
With midterms looming, Bahar is even more nervous. “Okay, I didn’t mean that stuff about Him being a dick. Sorry God! I’ve got a civ pro midterm next week and I really need the help. I’m going to put in some really good pray time this week, and a catholic friend of mine from undergrad is going to get me some holy water to drink. If I don’t get an A on that exam, that’s it. I’m switching to Buddism or some shit.”
After receiving low marks on three consecutive WRAP assignments, 1L Kelly Bahar is angry with God. “I prayed the shit out of that last assignment,” said Bahar, “and those assholes gave me a low score again! For the third fucking time! What the hell do I have to do to get a decent grade? Sacrifice a virgin or what? God is being a huge dick right now, and I’m getting tired of it.”
With midterms looming, Bahar is even more nervous. “Okay, I didn’t mean that stuff about Him being a dick. Sorry God! I’ve got a civ pro midterm next week and I really need the help. I’m going to put in some really good pray time this week, and a catholic friend of mine from undergrad is going to get me some holy water to drink. If I don’t get an A on that exam, that’s it. I’m switching to Buddism or some shit.”
Cascading nose laughter brings unwanted attention
Hans Olo, The Stool
After following a link to a website showcasing pictures of obese cats with absurd captions, part-time 4L Cecelia Ajene was unable to stop her nose laughter from gaining momentum. “[Shelley Bachman] IMed me this link during tax, and before I knew it, there was a picture of this huge cat sitting on a motorcycle saying ‘PORK.’ That’s all it was. It shouldn’t have been funny. It’s stupid actually, but when you’re in class everything’s funny.”
Ajene’s friend, Bachman was sitting next to her as the nose laughter began to gain momentum. “I saw out of the corner of my eye that she had opened the link,” said Bachman, “then she started to do that I’m-trying-to-laugh-as-quietly-as-I-can nose laughter thing, and it was so funny sounding, she started to make me laugh. The more she laughed, the more I laughed – plus that damned cat was still on the screen.”
Eventually, both students were drawing the attention of nearby students. “I was afraid the prof was going to notice soon, and it had gotten to the point where thinking about something sad wasn’t working, so I got up and left,” said Ajene. “I was hoping he would say something funny so everyone would laugh and I would be able to get it out of my system, but it didn’t happen. Then when I came back in he called on me to read a case. Of course. Stupid cats.”
After following a link to a website showcasing pictures of obese cats with absurd captions, part-time 4L Cecelia Ajene was unable to stop her nose laughter from gaining momentum. “[Shelley Bachman] IMed me this link during tax, and before I knew it, there was a picture of this huge cat sitting on a motorcycle saying ‘PORK.’ That’s all it was. It shouldn’t have been funny. It’s stupid actually, but when you’re in class everything’s funny.”
Ajene’s friend, Bachman was sitting next to her as the nose laughter began to gain momentum. “I saw out of the corner of my eye that she had opened the link,” said Bachman, “then she started to do that I’m-trying-to-laugh-as-quietly-as-I-can nose laughter thing, and it was so funny sounding, she started to make me laugh. The more she laughed, the more I laughed – plus that damned cat was still on the screen.”
Eventually, both students were drawing the attention of nearby students. “I was afraid the prof was going to notice soon, and it had gotten to the point where thinking about something sad wasn’t working, so I got up and left,” said Ajene. “I was hoping he would say something funny so everyone would laugh and I would be able to get it out of my system, but it didn’t happen. Then when I came back in he called on me to read a case. Of course. Stupid cats.”
Friday, September 28, 2007
Irony abounds as fistfight erupts during torts class
Hans Olo, The Stool
A spirited debate about spring traps quickly escalated into fisticuffs between 1Ls Marissa Stutenberg and Leslie Camden during last Monday’s torts class. According to classmates, the girls had been at odds throughout the fledgling semester until things finally came to a head and the class’s textbooks sprang to life.
“They were going back and forth about the morality of spring traps,” said 1L Ryan Hatch, “when Marissa stood up and said ‘you’d shoot anyone wouldn’t you?’ Then Leslie stood up and said ‘I’d shoot you because you’re an ugly whore!’”
Witnesses describe what happened next as a short, but intense, fight that left both women bloodied.
“I couldn’t believe what was happening,” said 1L Elise McCullugh. “It was battery! Battery right there in class! Assault too! There was definitely imminent apprehension going on. Oh my god. It was incredible. I hope this becomes an exam question.”
The scrum was broken up by Mitchell security personnel, but not before Camden was tased as she frantically attempted to fight anyone within reach. “She was saying, ‘Don’t tase me bro!’” said one witness on condition of anonymity, “but they got her anyway. I’m glad – she’s a d-bag.”
A spirited debate about spring traps quickly escalated into fisticuffs between 1Ls Marissa Stutenberg and Leslie Camden during last Monday’s torts class. According to classmates, the girls had been at odds throughout the fledgling semester until things finally came to a head and the class’s textbooks sprang to life.
“They were going back and forth about the morality of spring traps,” said 1L Ryan Hatch, “when Marissa stood up and said ‘you’d shoot anyone wouldn’t you?’ Then Leslie stood up and said ‘I’d shoot you because you’re an ugly whore!’”
Witnesses describe what happened next as a short, but intense, fight that left both women bloodied.
“I couldn’t believe what was happening,” said 1L Elise McCullugh. “It was battery! Battery right there in class! Assault too! There was definitely imminent apprehension going on. Oh my god. It was incredible. I hope this becomes an exam question.”
The scrum was broken up by Mitchell security personnel, but not before Camden was tased as she frantically attempted to fight anyone within reach. “She was saying, ‘Don’t tase me bro!’” said one witness on condition of anonymity, “but they got her anyway. I’m glad – she’s a d-bag.”
Several injured after first annual Hachey Commons Rodeo
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
In a press conference Thursday morning, Acting Vice Dean Bill Remerson stated that the first annual Hachey Commons Rodeo “may not have been the best decision,” and the event planning committee “may have to make some changes … for next year’s event.”
The Hachey Commons Rodeo was the first event of its kind on any Law School campus in America, and was modeled after a similar event at Ricardo Montalban School of Law in Coahuila, Mexico. Unfortunately, William Mitchell’s version of the indoor, close-quarter rodeo did not go as planned.
During the very first bull ride, several waiting animals, including a bronco and two enraged bulls, got loose. Four students were injured by the flailing animals. Two vending machines and several tables were also destroyed before the animals were finally restrained.
Because of the catastrophe, plans for other William Mitchell Fall Events, such as the Whal Center Joust and the Burger Library Chainsaw Art Competition, have been put on hold indefinitely.
In a press conference Thursday morning, Acting Vice Dean Bill Remerson stated that the first annual Hachey Commons Rodeo “may not have been the best decision,” and the event planning committee “may have to make some changes … for next year’s event.”
The Hachey Commons Rodeo was the first event of its kind on any Law School campus in America, and was modeled after a similar event at Ricardo Montalban School of Law in Coahuila, Mexico. Unfortunately, William Mitchell’s version of the indoor, close-quarter rodeo did not go as planned.
During the very first bull ride, several waiting animals, including a bronco and two enraged bulls, got loose. Four students were injured by the flailing animals. Two vending machines and several tables were also destroyed before the animals were finally restrained.
Because of the catastrophe, plans for other William Mitchell Fall Events, such as the Whal Center Joust and the Burger Library Chainsaw Art Competition, have been put on hold indefinitely.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Wheeled, handled bags becoming campus-wide annoyance
Hans Olo, The Stool
An increasingly popular and annoying type of bag – the two-wheeled, retractable handle sort ubiquitous to airports around the world, has been drawing the ire of many in the Mitchell community. Students who simply cannot find the strength to haul the five to eight pounds of combined book and laptop weight in a traditional backpack or messenger bag often turn to this scourge of hallways and classrooms for relief.
“I can’t stand those ridiculous things,” said part-time 4L Lane Harrison. “Yesterday at around 5:25 when the stairs were pretty full of people going to and from class, everyone had to wait for some asswipe to stop at the top of the stairs, retract the handle on their little bag, pick it up, walk down the stairs, then at the bottom, stop, set it down, fumble with the handle to re-extend it, then finally start walking again. Just use a backpack you moron! It’s not THAT far of a walk to your car.”
Harrison’s frustration is typical of many Mitchell students. 2L Sharon Jarvais shared what she thinks is one possible solution. “Just tell them to get the fuck out of the stairwells when they’re dicking around with their little handles. I know it’s really tiring carrying your bag around, but come on. Luckily there are portable defibrillators close if you have a stress-induced heart attack.”
An increasingly popular and annoying type of bag – the two-wheeled, retractable handle sort ubiquitous to airports around the world, has been drawing the ire of many in the Mitchell community. Students who simply cannot find the strength to haul the five to eight pounds of combined book and laptop weight in a traditional backpack or messenger bag often turn to this scourge of hallways and classrooms for relief.
“I can’t stand those ridiculous things,” said part-time 4L Lane Harrison. “Yesterday at around 5:25 when the stairs were pretty full of people going to and from class, everyone had to wait for some asswipe to stop at the top of the stairs, retract the handle on their little bag, pick it up, walk down the stairs, then at the bottom, stop, set it down, fumble with the handle to re-extend it, then finally start walking again. Just use a backpack you moron! It’s not THAT far of a walk to your car.”
Harrison’s frustration is typical of many Mitchell students. 2L Sharon Jarvais shared what she thinks is one possible solution. “Just tell them to get the fuck out of the stairwells when they’re dicking around with their little handles. I know it’s really tiring carrying your bag around, but come on. Luckily there are portable defibrillators close if you have a stress-induced heart attack.”
Professor Dayton: “Elder Law is my bitch”
Frank Herrbert, The Stool
A normally sedate and proper Professor Dayton was witnessed blowing off a little steam at Billy’s on Thursday night. “She was obviously feeling pretty good,” said 3L Florence Hunt. “She was with a few people, and was doing a lot of yelling. I couldn’t hear what she said, but she was obviously happy because she was toasting her table every 15 seconds and laughing.”
1L Mark Haeine was seated in a booth adjacent to Dayton’s. “She was definitely doing all the talking,” said Haeine. “At one point she said, ‘That’s right, I said it – elder law is my bitch! No one fucks with my bitch! It’s mine! I own it!’ Then she tried to toast her group, but they looked pretty shocked and weren’t acting fast enough or something, so she just hit her glass against theirs on the table. Then she goes, ‘It’s a toast, sluts! Get happy!”
Professor Dayton was not available for comment at the time of this writing.
A normally sedate and proper Professor Dayton was witnessed blowing off a little steam at Billy’s on Thursday night. “She was obviously feeling pretty good,” said 3L Florence Hunt. “She was with a few people, and was doing a lot of yelling. I couldn’t hear what she said, but she was obviously happy because she was toasting her table every 15 seconds and laughing.”
1L Mark Haeine was seated in a booth adjacent to Dayton’s. “She was definitely doing all the talking,” said Haeine. “At one point she said, ‘That’s right, I said it – elder law is my bitch! No one fucks with my bitch! It’s mine! I own it!’ Then she tried to toast her group, but they looked pretty shocked and weren’t acting fast enough or something, so she just hit her glass against theirs on the table. Then she goes, ‘It’s a toast, sluts! Get happy!”
Professor Dayton was not available for comment at the time of this writing.
Monday, September 17, 2007
3L hopes family law will help him get revenge on his dirty whore of a wife
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
When students were asked by their professor why they had chosen to enroll in the Family Law course at the beginning of the semester, answers were varied. Most said they were planning on going into Family Law, or wanted to broaden their learning perspective. 3L Larry Black had a more unique reason: Revenge.
When it came his time to share, Black stood proudly and stated, "I’m here to get revenge on my knob-gobbler wife." After the stunned silence that followed his answer, Black felt compelled to elaborate. "Well I don't want to kill her or anything," he said, "I just want to ruin her. She ran off with her boss and left me with two asshole kids. She's a dirty, dirty tramp. I think this class will help me break her."
The professor politely thanked Black as his classmates focused determinedly on the desks in front of them. Black sat down after muttering, "So that's why I took this class."
When students were asked by their professor why they had chosen to enroll in the Family Law course at the beginning of the semester, answers were varied. Most said they were planning on going into Family Law, or wanted to broaden their learning perspective. 3L Larry Black had a more unique reason: Revenge.
When it came his time to share, Black stood proudly and stated, "I’m here to get revenge on my knob-gobbler wife." After the stunned silence that followed his answer, Black felt compelled to elaborate. "Well I don't want to kill her or anything," he said, "I just want to ruin her. She ran off with her boss and left me with two asshole kids. She's a dirty, dirty tramp. I think this class will help me break her."
The professor politely thanked Black as his classmates focused determinedly on the desks in front of them. Black sat down after muttering, "So that's why I took this class."
Artist amazed that painting is still hanging
Bennett Taylor, The Stool
Struggling St. Paul artist Sam Shandmire has had a considerable amount of trouble displaying his work. The self-proclaimed "Expert Portrait Painter" has been rejected by nearly every art gallery in the metro area, but his determination to be recognized has led him to seek alternative means of presenting his work to the public.
"I've been trying to display this painting since 1996," said Shandmire. "It's a portrait of my mother. None of the galleries would touch it, but you can easily see the quality of the work." Shandmire had given up on the painting until a friend accidentally gave him inspiration. "He said that my mom looked really stately in the portrait," commented Shandmire, "like a president or a judge. That's what gave me the idea,"
Shandmire followed his gut and hung the portrait on the first floor of William Mitchell College of Law. "The crazy thing is, no one has taken it down," said Shandmire. "I hung the thing up a month ago, and people just automatically assume that it belongs there. I mean, I'm sure that there are some people who wonder who it's a painting of, but I think it's fantastic that it's still there."
Struggling St. Paul artist Sam Shandmire has had a considerable amount of trouble displaying his work. The self-proclaimed "Expert Portrait Painter" has been rejected by nearly every art gallery in the metro area, but his determination to be recognized has led him to seek alternative means of presenting his work to the public.
"I've been trying to display this painting since 1996," said Shandmire. "It's a portrait of my mother. None of the galleries would touch it, but you can easily see the quality of the work." Shandmire had given up on the painting until a friend accidentally gave him inspiration. "He said that my mom looked really stately in the portrait," commented Shandmire, "like a president or a judge. That's what gave me the idea,"
Shandmire followed his gut and hung the portrait on the first floor of William Mitchell College of Law. "The crazy thing is, no one has taken it down," said Shandmire. "I hung the thing up a month ago, and people just automatically assume that it belongs there. I mean, I'm sure that there are some people who wonder who it's a painting of, but I think it's fantastic that it's still there."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Ex-Dean Easley comes clean
Hans Olo, The Stool
Controversy took center stage as the school year began a few weeks ago when Dean Easley unexpectedly and abruptly resigned his post as the top official at William Mitchell. Now, for the first time since his meteoric rise and precipitous fall, Easley tells all in an exclusive one-on-one interview with The Stool.
“First, let me start off by saying I’ve always been a big fan of The Stool,” said Easely. “I think you could tone down the male genitalia-related content, but overall it’s very good. Anyway, I want the students at William Mitchell to know I hold them in the highest regard, and because of this, I feel they have the right to know why their dean has left. I have been presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to help a family in need, while simultaneously realizing a significant profit for myself.”
“Two months ago, I received an unsolicited yet heartfelt email from a man in Ghana whose family was fleeing the country, and desperately needed to relocate a very large sum of money into a western bank account. How he found me, I’m not sure. I assume my international reputation as an honest and dependable person was known to Mr. Mugambogo – my contact’s solicitor in Ghana.”
“After months of calls, emails, and rather large bank service fees I was obliged to pay to my contact’s bank minister via Western Union, I am now poised to receive the extremely large monetary reward promised to me. Tomorrow I leave for Accra to sign the final papers with my new business associate, and will no longer need to work upon returning home. I would like to wish everyone the very best of luck in their legal endeavors, and ask that no one contact me for loans or handouts.”
Easley then escorted us to a newly remodeled bathroom in his house featuring a toilet made of 14K gold. “This little baby is worth chump change next to what I’m about to get. I have orders in for three more!” he told us.
Controversy took center stage as the school year began a few weeks ago when Dean Easley unexpectedly and abruptly resigned his post as the top official at William Mitchell. Now, for the first time since his meteoric rise and precipitous fall, Easley tells all in an exclusive one-on-one interview with The Stool.
“First, let me start off by saying I’ve always been a big fan of The Stool,” said Easely. “I think you could tone down the male genitalia-related content, but overall it’s very good. Anyway, I want the students at William Mitchell to know I hold them in the highest regard, and because of this, I feel they have the right to know why their dean has left. I have been presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to help a family in need, while simultaneously realizing a significant profit for myself.”
“Two months ago, I received an unsolicited yet heartfelt email from a man in Ghana whose family was fleeing the country, and desperately needed to relocate a very large sum of money into a western bank account. How he found me, I’m not sure. I assume my international reputation as an honest and dependable person was known to Mr. Mugambogo – my contact’s solicitor in Ghana.”
“After months of calls, emails, and rather large bank service fees I was obliged to pay to my contact’s bank minister via Western Union, I am now poised to receive the extremely large monetary reward promised to me. Tomorrow I leave for Accra to sign the final papers with my new business associate, and will no longer need to work upon returning home. I would like to wish everyone the very best of luck in their legal endeavors, and ask that no one contact me for loans or handouts.”
Easley then escorted us to a newly remodeled bathroom in his house featuring a toilet made of 14K gold. “This little baby is worth chump change next to what I’m about to get. I have orders in for three more!” he told us.
Construction plans coincide perfectly with Mitchell’s parking needs
Tabatha Ikens, The Stool
After a summer’s worth of empty parking lots, Mitchell operations officials have decided to remodel something or other and close off the rear lot completely until 5:30.
“We thought it would be best to [start a construction project] now, rather than during the summer to give students and faculty a unique opportunity to strengthen the school’s community,” said Rod Fausto, a Mitchell operations manager. “We will not be offering money back on the $50 parking permit, however. Since we’ve cut possible parking spots by half, your permit essentially will be worth double should you find a spot.”
The Stool encourages students with questions or concerns to eat a large lunch at any Mexican restaurant, find Fausto’s office, enter it when he’s not there, and leave a Cleveland Steamer on his keyboard. If this sounds unappealing, please take a picture of a turd and email it to Mr. Fausto.
After a summer’s worth of empty parking lots, Mitchell operations officials have decided to remodel something or other and close off the rear lot completely until 5:30.
“We thought it would be best to [start a construction project] now, rather than during the summer to give students and faculty a unique opportunity to strengthen the school’s community,” said Rod Fausto, a Mitchell operations manager. “We will not be offering money back on the $50 parking permit, however. Since we’ve cut possible parking spots by half, your permit essentially will be worth double should you find a spot.”
The Stool encourages students with questions or concerns to eat a large lunch at any Mexican restaurant, find Fausto’s office, enter it when he’s not there, and leave a Cleveland Steamer on his keyboard. If this sounds unappealing, please take a picture of a turd and email it to Mr. Fausto.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Judge not impressed by pants bulge
Duff McHammer, the Stool
2004 William Mitchell graduate Sven Martincoot was confused and outraged by the fact that an enormous pants bulge failed to win him his first trial.
Martincoot figured his good looks and dashing persona would easily win over the female judge and predominantly female jury, despite the fact that his client was likely guilty of first degree murder. To sweeten the pot, Martincoot decided to add "a little something" to his slacks in order to "really impress the ladies." Unfortunately for Martincoot, his scheme did not pay off.
On day one of the three-day trial, Martincoot had bulked up his trouser profile through the strategic use of a banana. "Hey, it's not like I'm lacking in that department," said Martincoot, "I just really wanted to turn heads."
After little attention was paid to the bulge on day one, on day two Martincoot opted for a kielbasa sausage. "Yeah, they definitely noticed it that second day. All of the chicks were looking," stated Martincoot, "but the trial still didn't seem to be going in my favor."
On the final day of trial, disaster struck when Martincoot showed up with a three-pound tube of ground beef stuffed into his britches. "It was awful. It started leaking and smelling really funny. Then the judge threatened me with contempt, so I had to go to the bathroom and remove [the beef]."
To make matters worse, the jury returned a verdict against Martincoot's client. "Next time I'll stick with sausage," he said.
2004 William Mitchell graduate Sven Martincoot was confused and outraged by the fact that an enormous pants bulge failed to win him his first trial.
Martincoot figured his good looks and dashing persona would easily win over the female judge and predominantly female jury, despite the fact that his client was likely guilty of first degree murder. To sweeten the pot, Martincoot decided to add "a little something" to his slacks in order to "really impress the ladies." Unfortunately for Martincoot, his scheme did not pay off.
On day one of the three-day trial, Martincoot had bulked up his trouser profile through the strategic use of a banana. "Hey, it's not like I'm lacking in that department," said Martincoot, "I just really wanted to turn heads."
After little attention was paid to the bulge on day one, on day two Martincoot opted for a kielbasa sausage. "Yeah, they definitely noticed it that second day. All of the chicks were looking," stated Martincoot, "but the trial still didn't seem to be going in my favor."
On the final day of trial, disaster struck when Martincoot showed up with a three-pound tube of ground beef stuffed into his britches. "It was awful. It started leaking and smelling really funny. Then the judge threatened me with contempt, so I had to go to the bathroom and remove [the beef]."
To make matters worse, the jury returned a verdict against Martincoot's client. "Next time I'll stick with sausage," he said.
Orientation diversity speaker happy to return to suburbs after work
Carl Aendis, The Stool
After a fire and brimstone-laced diversity speech at new student orientation, speaker Michael Kubek climbed into his 7-series BMW and headed south to his Burnsville home. “Goddammit!” screamed a thoroughly lathered Kubek while weaving through traffic, “These snot-nosed brats don’t understand diversity! Don’t they get that I play chess with the black janitor at my office?! Jesus fucking Christ! They need to pull their heads out of their asses and start SEEING people of color for a change! I can’t do this all by myself – I’m just one man – I need EVERYONE to be as accepting and selfless as I am!”
As his rant subsided, Kubek lit a cigar and settled in to a righteous funk while gripping his spittle-flecked steering wheel with white-knuckled agitation. To take his mind off the “sheer temerity” of the stunned students on whom he had just unloaded, we asked about what life was like for him when he graduated from law school.
“Oh, my wife and I lived in a little apartment in the Powderhorn neighborhood of Minneapolis. We were both working a lot, but we were young so it was okay.” We asked if he missed that little apartment where he and his wife started their professional and personal journeys together. “Fuck no! Have you been down there lately? It’s a huge shithole! You’d get shot the second you got out of your car, then your car would be stolen and sold for drugs. We got the fuck out of there as soon as possible.”
After a fire and brimstone-laced diversity speech at new student orientation, speaker Michael Kubek climbed into his 7-series BMW and headed south to his Burnsville home. “Goddammit!” screamed a thoroughly lathered Kubek while weaving through traffic, “These snot-nosed brats don’t understand diversity! Don’t they get that I play chess with the black janitor at my office?! Jesus fucking Christ! They need to pull their heads out of their asses and start SEEING people of color for a change! I can’t do this all by myself – I’m just one man – I need EVERYONE to be as accepting and selfless as I am!”
As his rant subsided, Kubek lit a cigar and settled in to a righteous funk while gripping his spittle-flecked steering wheel with white-knuckled agitation. To take his mind off the “sheer temerity” of the stunned students on whom he had just unloaded, we asked about what life was like for him when he graduated from law school.
“Oh, my wife and I lived in a little apartment in the Powderhorn neighborhood of Minneapolis. We were both working a lot, but we were young so it was okay.” We asked if he missed that little apartment where he and his wife started their professional and personal journeys together. “Fuck no! Have you been down there lately? It’s a huge shithole! You’d get shot the second you got out of your car, then your car would be stolen and sold for drugs. We got the fuck out of there as soon as possible.”
Incoming 1Ls already offended by lawyer jokes
Hans Olo, The Stool
As Patricia Heiner sat down to read about Carbolic Smoke Balls this summer, she was struck by the influence lawyers and the law have on society. “I mean, like everything is touched by the law,” said Heiner. “It’s such an important part of society, and no one has any respect for it. It’s really sad. I’m probably going to be a public interest lawyer when I get out, so I’m really sensitive to this kind of stuff.”
Heiner told The Stool about a recent family gathering that took a turn for the worse when her uncle told a lawyer joke at the dinner table. “I was just sitting there eating my minestrone when he looks at me and says ‘What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.’ Then he started laughing like an idiot. I told him to shut his fat mouth and the next thing I know I’m throwing my plate at him.”
Incoming 1L Luke Thomas, on the other hand, feels that lawyer jokes should only be told by lawyers or law students. “It’s like telling an Ole and Lena joke if you’re not Scandinavian,” said Thomas. “Not cool. You have to know what it’s like to be in that world to have the right to make fun of it.” When asked how many law school classes Thomas had under his belt at that point, he said “it doesn’t matter how many classes I’ve taken. These are my people now.”
As Patricia Heiner sat down to read about Carbolic Smoke Balls this summer, she was struck by the influence lawyers and the law have on society. “I mean, like everything is touched by the law,” said Heiner. “It’s such an important part of society, and no one has any respect for it. It’s really sad. I’m probably going to be a public interest lawyer when I get out, so I’m really sensitive to this kind of stuff.”
Heiner told The Stool about a recent family gathering that took a turn for the worse when her uncle told a lawyer joke at the dinner table. “I was just sitting there eating my minestrone when he looks at me and says ‘What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.’ Then he started laughing like an idiot. I told him to shut his fat mouth and the next thing I know I’m throwing my plate at him.”
Incoming 1L Luke Thomas, on the other hand, feels that lawyer jokes should only be told by lawyers or law students. “It’s like telling an Ole and Lena joke if you’re not Scandinavian,” said Thomas. “Not cool. You have to know what it’s like to be in that world to have the right to make fun of it.” When asked how many law school classes Thomas had under his belt at that point, he said “it doesn’t matter how many classes I’ve taken. These are my people now.”
Professor Kleinberger appointed Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
William Mitchell proudly announced yesterday that Professor Kleinberger has accepted the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts, a class recently added to the law school’s curriculum. William Mitchell is including the course as part of its ongoing integration of classes that are of dubious utility and founded on fiction.
“It’s a real honor, even though the position has been historically cursed,” said Kleinberger. “I’m happy to finally be able to proudly display my wizarding heritage, rather than resorting to all of this secrecy and references to Shrek.” Kleinberger added, “lawyers, of all people, really need to learn to defend themselves against curses. This class will give our students a much needed edge."
With that, he waved a short wooden stick at us and yelled "expelleramus!" When nothing happened, he scrambled under his desk and politely asked us to leave.
William Mitchell proudly announced yesterday that Professor Kleinberger has accepted the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts, a class recently added to the law school’s curriculum. William Mitchell is including the course as part of its ongoing integration of classes that are of dubious utility and founded on fiction.
“It’s a real honor, even though the position has been historically cursed,” said Kleinberger. “I’m happy to finally be able to proudly display my wizarding heritage, rather than resorting to all of this secrecy and references to Shrek.” Kleinberger added, “lawyers, of all people, really need to learn to defend themselves against curses. This class will give our students a much needed edge."
With that, he waved a short wooden stick at us and yelled "expelleramus!" When nothing happened, he scrambled under his desk and politely asked us to leave.
Friday, July 6, 2007
1Ls pretty sure law school won't be too bad
Hans Olo, The Stool
When 1L Pamela Weiss talked recently about her impending entry into the world of law school, she displayed little to no concern about the task facing her.
"I think it'll be time-consuming," said Weiss, "but not too bad. I mean it's not like it's Harvard or something. I took Organic Chemistry for a semester in college -- I know what it's like."
Other 1Ls have displayed similar bravado when asked to expound on their impending academic forays. "Meh," said 1L Steve Ennjock, "how hard can it really be? You read a bunch of shit and blah blah blah. Whatever happens, I heard about this thing called a 'Horn' book or something like that. There's nothing to worry about."
But worry is exactly what Madge Belteram is doing. "Oh God, I don't know what to do. I've already read through half of my Torts casebook. I've also been peeing in my bed at night recently. Wait -- don't print that."
When 1L Pamela Weiss talked recently about her impending entry into the world of law school, she displayed little to no concern about the task facing her.
"I think it'll be time-consuming," said Weiss, "but not too bad. I mean it's not like it's Harvard or something. I took Organic Chemistry for a semester in college -- I know what it's like."
Other 1Ls have displayed similar bravado when asked to expound on their impending academic forays. "Meh," said 1L Steve Ennjock, "how hard can it really be? You read a bunch of shit and blah blah blah. Whatever happens, I heard about this thing called a 'Horn' book or something like that. There's nothing to worry about."
But worry is exactly what Madge Belteram is doing. "Oh God, I don't know what to do. I've already read through half of my Torts casebook. I've also been peeing in my bed at night recently. Wait -- don't print that."
Friday, June 8, 2007
Summer mind-purge nearly complete
Hans Olo, The Stool
With the summer months settling in and many Mitchell students enjoying non-classroom time, the information binge that comprises the regular school year has finally culminated into a brain dump for those attempting to cling to what sanity they have left.
“Yeah, you could have asked me anything about insurance law after my final, but I don’t know a fucking thing now,” said 3L Brad Stevens. “I do remember that calculating coinsurance numbers can suck my balls.”
Stevens’ sentiments ring true for many students. University of Syracuse social scientist Jann Hutche calls the phenomenon a defense mechanism. “Essentially students are resting their minds and focusing on those things they weren’t able to enjoy as much during the school year. It’s very common.”
Other Mitchell students seem more determined to move on than do others. “When I finished WRAP I wiped my ass with the Kelley case and burned the whole goddamned thing,” said 2L Michael Carlsson. “I can’t wait for Advocacy!”
With the summer months settling in and many Mitchell students enjoying non-classroom time, the information binge that comprises the regular school year has finally culminated into a brain dump for those attempting to cling to what sanity they have left.
“Yeah, you could have asked me anything about insurance law after my final, but I don’t know a fucking thing now,” said 3L Brad Stevens. “I do remember that calculating coinsurance numbers can suck my balls.”
Stevens’ sentiments ring true for many students. University of Syracuse social scientist Jann Hutche calls the phenomenon a defense mechanism. “Essentially students are resting their minds and focusing on those things they weren’t able to enjoy as much during the school year. It’s very common.”
Other Mitchell students seem more determined to move on than do others. “When I finished WRAP I wiped my ass with the Kelley case and burned the whole goddamned thing,” said 2L Michael Carlsson. “I can’t wait for Advocacy!”
3L contemplates suit after being “ripped off” by area weather forecasting
Veronica Corningstone, The Stool
Matt Hennessy was waiting for the planet to explode this past Thursday morning after watching a local weather forecast dealing with potentially severe conditions that were supposed to crop up later that day. “The way they were talking about it, we were supposed to have he storm of the century,” said Hennessy, who lives in St. Anthony. “Then nothing happened but a little wind. It was a complete rip-off, and I expect to be compensated for the batteries and bottled water I bought.”
Hennessy admits purchasing a pallet of Ice Mountain bottled water might have been hasty, but is adamant he be compensated for his newly acquired battery collection. “What am I going to do with 32 C batteries?” asked Hennessy. “I thought we were going to be without power for months. I even bought a taser in case there were looters. Channel 4 is going to be VERY unhappy when they see what I have in store for them.”
When asked what charges he plans to file against WCCO, Hennessy replied, “It’s not just Channel 4, it’s all of them. They all suck, and I’m going to own them with a huge suit. We didn’t even get any lightning, dude! Aren’t you pissed?! You should be. I’m super pissed.”
Matt Hennessy was waiting for the planet to explode this past Thursday morning after watching a local weather forecast dealing with potentially severe conditions that were supposed to crop up later that day. “The way they were talking about it, we were supposed to have he storm of the century,” said Hennessy, who lives in St. Anthony. “Then nothing happened but a little wind. It was a complete rip-off, and I expect to be compensated for the batteries and bottled water I bought.”
Hennessy admits purchasing a pallet of Ice Mountain bottled water might have been hasty, but is adamant he be compensated for his newly acquired battery collection. “What am I going to do with 32 C batteries?” asked Hennessy. “I thought we were going to be without power for months. I even bought a taser in case there were looters. Channel 4 is going to be VERY unhappy when they see what I have in store for them.”
When asked what charges he plans to file against WCCO, Hennessy replied, “It’s not just Channel 4, it’s all of them. They all suck, and I’m going to own them with a huge suit. We didn’t even get any lightning, dude! Aren’t you pissed?! You should be. I’m super pissed.”
Thursday, May 24, 2007
2L regrets vigorous, conspicuous head nodding to techno song
Virginia Lupus, The Stool
During the final weeks of class this spring, 2L Martin Krzyzskeis found himself in the throes of a jam session only he could hear. “I was sitting in that room with all the leather chairs studying, listening to my iPod, when this song came on that I really like,” explained Krzyzskeis. “I turned it up, and the next thing I know, I’m…well…I’m really getting down to the song.”
The song – “Save the Last Trance for Me” by Paul Oakenfold – seemed to catch Krzyzskeis at exactly the right moment. “I started bobbing my head a little to the beat with my eyes closed, but as the song went on I really got into it. I started nodding my head hard and even pumping my fist and biting my lower lip towards the end. I guess I was hoping people would ask me what I was listening to so I could share, but it didn’t really end up that way.”
Krzyzskeis’s performance had an effect, but certainly not the one he was looking for. “I was sitting down there when I saw this guy starting to go crazy,” recounted 2L Leslie Paxisl. “His eyes were closed and it looked like he was about to have an orgasm in his pants or something. It was really, really creepy. My friends and I got our stuff and left we were so embarrassed for him.”
“It’s one of those things you can’t take back and you can’t live down,” Krzyzskeis told us. “If I could take it back, I would. The looks on people’s faces around the room when I looked up was awful. If they weren’t whispering to each other and giggling, they were avoiding eye contact with me. Why did I do that?! I’m such an idiot!”
Krzyzskeis may not live down his grand performance, and it serves as a strong reminder to all of us that acting like a buffoon in public in general – and at school in particular – is often a harbinger of unflattering nicknames and social isolation. Beware.
During the final weeks of class this spring, 2L Martin Krzyzskeis found himself in the throes of a jam session only he could hear. “I was sitting in that room with all the leather chairs studying, listening to my iPod, when this song came on that I really like,” explained Krzyzskeis. “I turned it up, and the next thing I know, I’m…well…I’m really getting down to the song.”
The song – “Save the Last Trance for Me” by Paul Oakenfold – seemed to catch Krzyzskeis at exactly the right moment. “I started bobbing my head a little to the beat with my eyes closed, but as the song went on I really got into it. I started nodding my head hard and even pumping my fist and biting my lower lip towards the end. I guess I was hoping people would ask me what I was listening to so I could share, but it didn’t really end up that way.”
Krzyzskeis’s performance had an effect, but certainly not the one he was looking for. “I was sitting down there when I saw this guy starting to go crazy,” recounted 2L Leslie Paxisl. “His eyes were closed and it looked like he was about to have an orgasm in his pants or something. It was really, really creepy. My friends and I got our stuff and left we were so embarrassed for him.”
“It’s one of those things you can’t take back and you can’t live down,” Krzyzskeis told us. “If I could take it back, I would. The looks on people’s faces around the room when I looked up was awful. If they weren’t whispering to each other and giggling, they were avoiding eye contact with me. Why did I do that?! I’m such an idiot!”
Krzyzskeis may not live down his grand performance, and it serves as a strong reminder to all of us that acting like a buffoon in public in general – and at school in particular – is often a harbinger of unflattering nicknames and social isolation. Beware.
Summer students quick to point out they’ll graduate sooner than everyone else
Hans Olo, The Stool
With summer break in full swing for most Mitchell students, those taking summer classes feel confident and crafty in their decision to eschew time off in favor of academic expediency. “Those poor bastards,” said 3L-to-be Tyler Parrish. “They’re going to be slaving away for an entire semester longer than I will. I’ll be laughing my ass off at them as I study for the Bar exam.”
Those who elect to stay away from the classroom for the summer seem unperturbed by the thought of finishing their degree requirements at the regular time. “I don’t know,” 2L-to-be Anne Keinie told us. “I guess they can do what they want, but burning yourself out to finish a few months early seems pretty absurd to me.”
When confronted with this line of reasoning, many summer-goers offered to “throw down” with those that disagree with them. “We’ll see how they change their song when they’re sweating out their long papers while I…am not,” said 3L-to-be Betsy Swanson. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”
With summer break in full swing for most Mitchell students, those taking summer classes feel confident and crafty in their decision to eschew time off in favor of academic expediency. “Those poor bastards,” said 3L-to-be Tyler Parrish. “They’re going to be slaving away for an entire semester longer than I will. I’ll be laughing my ass off at them as I study for the Bar exam.”
Those who elect to stay away from the classroom for the summer seem unperturbed by the thought of finishing their degree requirements at the regular time. “I don’t know,” 2L-to-be Anne Keinie told us. “I guess they can do what they want, but burning yourself out to finish a few months early seems pretty absurd to me.”
When confronted with this line of reasoning, many summer-goers offered to “throw down” with those that disagree with them. “We’ll see how they change their song when they’re sweating out their long papers while I…am not,” said 3L-to-be Betsy Swanson. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Mitchell financial aid coordinator insists Jet Ski not a gift
Nina Rosenthal, The Stool
The William Mitchell financial aid coordinator, Madge Thurston, insists the Jet Ski that appeared at her Eagan home last Tuesday is not a gift from a financial aid provider. “I’ve been looking at getting a personal watercraft for some time now,” said a visibly agitated Thurston. “My husband must have decided to surprise me.”
The problem with that, as The Stool pointed out, is Ms. Thurston is not married. “What business it that of yours?!” shrieked Thurston. “My private life is none of your affair!”
Other disturbing facts began surfacing after a bit of investigation. First, Thurston lives on the fourth floor of the Lemay Lakes Apartments. Second, she has an inner-ear condition that prohibits her from swimming. Third, painted on the side of the Jet Ski is a message that reads, ‘Thank you from all of us at Access Group’ with Access Group logos prominently displayed on both sides. When confronted with this information Thurston threaten to call the police if we didn’t leave the property. She was then reminded that both her Jet Ski and we were on the public sidewalk. Thurston then threw an orange at us and ran away.
Battery charges against Thurston are pending.
The William Mitchell financial aid coordinator, Madge Thurston, insists the Jet Ski that appeared at her Eagan home last Tuesday is not a gift from a financial aid provider. “I’ve been looking at getting a personal watercraft for some time now,” said a visibly agitated Thurston. “My husband must have decided to surprise me.”
The problem with that, as The Stool pointed out, is Ms. Thurston is not married. “What business it that of yours?!” shrieked Thurston. “My private life is none of your affair!”
Other disturbing facts began surfacing after a bit of investigation. First, Thurston lives on the fourth floor of the Lemay Lakes Apartments. Second, she has an inner-ear condition that prohibits her from swimming. Third, painted on the side of the Jet Ski is a message that reads, ‘Thank you from all of us at Access Group’ with Access Group logos prominently displayed on both sides. When confronted with this information Thurston threaten to call the police if we didn’t leave the property. She was then reminded that both her Jet Ski and we were on the public sidewalk. Thurston then threw an orange at us and ran away.
Battery charges against Thurston are pending.
Lawyers concerned for lawyers membership swells as finals end
Hans Olo, The Stool
With finals over and libations liberated, Mitchell students have been sewing their drunken oats on Twin Cities streets – much to the chagrin of Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers. “We know it’s fun to go out and celebrate the end of the school year with friends, but when celebration turns to abuse we get concerned,” said Chester Gonzolez, the Mitchell chapter chair of LCFL. “We just want to urge students and faculty to enjoy being with friends in moderation, and most importantly, make good decisions around driving while intoxicated.”
“When I got pinched for public drunkeness the night after my torts final, the first thing I thought about was my Bar application,” 2L-to-be Greg Kienel told us. “As soon as I got out [of jail] I signed up with LCFL. What a pain in the ass.” Kienel faces a situation similar to many students as they stare the specter of alcohol-related transgressions in the face.
Others have chosen a more proactive approach. “I signed up [for LCFL] as soon as I heard about it,” said 3L Thomas Robinsson. “I like to have a beer or two on weekends, so I thought ‘it’s better to be safe than sorry,’ and joined just in case. I haven’t needed it yet, but it’s a great place to meet chicks who like to get hammered.”
With finals over and libations liberated, Mitchell students have been sewing their drunken oats on Twin Cities streets – much to the chagrin of Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers. “We know it’s fun to go out and celebrate the end of the school year with friends, but when celebration turns to abuse we get concerned,” said Chester Gonzolez, the Mitchell chapter chair of LCFL. “We just want to urge students and faculty to enjoy being with friends in moderation, and most importantly, make good decisions around driving while intoxicated.”
“When I got pinched for public drunkeness the night after my torts final, the first thing I thought about was my Bar application,” 2L-to-be Greg Kienel told us. “As soon as I got out [of jail] I signed up with LCFL. What a pain in the ass.” Kienel faces a situation similar to many students as they stare the specter of alcohol-related transgressions in the face.
Others have chosen a more proactive approach. “I signed up [for LCFL] as soon as I heard about it,” said 3L Thomas Robinsson. “I like to have a beer or two on weekends, so I thought ‘it’s better to be safe than sorry,’ and joined just in case. I haven’t needed it yet, but it’s a great place to meet chicks who like to get hammered.”
Monday, April 30, 2007
1L adamant that DUI arrest was “undercover research”
Hans Olo, The Stool
Things seemed to be going swimmingly for Mitchell 1L Anna Richmond at Billy’s on Thursday night when, to a lay observer, things began to go terribly wrong.
“She didn’t seem like she was that bad,” said 2L Lane Garger. “She was still in the bar when [a friend] and I went out for a smoke. After we were out there for a couple of minutes she came wobbling and weaving out of the building and fell on her face on the sidewalk.” Unfazed, Richmond hopped in her car and started what she calls her “grand experiment.”
“I don’t know how people think they’re going to learn about the law if they’re just going to read about it in books,” Richmond told The Stool. “You have to get out there and get your hands dirty! I’m good with dramshop stuff, but I knew I had to take my education to the next level. You really get to know something when you experience it first-hand.”
When asked about the danger posed to others and herself while driving in an allegedly altered state, Richmond became incredulous. “I knew exactly what I was doing! The only reason this got to be such a big deal is because the car I CHOSE to hit was being driven by some guy who’s in government or something. But, I got an awesome look at how the legal system works, a pretty safe place to sleep for the night, and a free bologna sandwich.”
Richmond says she plans to put her now-heightened knowledge of dramshop law to good use when she sues Billy’s for “lots and lots of stuff.”
Things seemed to be going swimmingly for Mitchell 1L Anna Richmond at Billy’s on Thursday night when, to a lay observer, things began to go terribly wrong.
“She didn’t seem like she was that bad,” said 2L Lane Garger. “She was still in the bar when [a friend] and I went out for a smoke. After we were out there for a couple of minutes she came wobbling and weaving out of the building and fell on her face on the sidewalk.” Unfazed, Richmond hopped in her car and started what she calls her “grand experiment.”
“I don’t know how people think they’re going to learn about the law if they’re just going to read about it in books,” Richmond told The Stool. “You have to get out there and get your hands dirty! I’m good with dramshop stuff, but I knew I had to take my education to the next level. You really get to know something when you experience it first-hand.”
When asked about the danger posed to others and herself while driving in an allegedly altered state, Richmond became incredulous. “I knew exactly what I was doing! The only reason this got to be such a big deal is because the car I CHOSE to hit was being driven by some guy who’s in government or something. But, I got an awesome look at how the legal system works, a pretty safe place to sleep for the night, and a free bologna sandwich.”
Richmond says she plans to put her now-heightened knowledge of dramshop law to good use when she sues Billy’s for “lots and lots of stuff.”
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Finals sap creativity from Stool staffers
Hans Olo, The Stool
With finals looming and outline-making in full swing, Stool writers have been hard-pressed to uncover anything at Mitchell they feel is interesting this past week.
“Leave me the FUCK alone!” screamed one writer when asked to comment on the situation. “If I can think of something good to write, I’ll do it okay? In the meantime, I’ve got five different classes wedged into my asshole. Will you please get the hell away from me now?”
The stress level on the Mitchell campus has risen considerably in past days, and some students have displayed markedly shorted fuses – namely the aforementioned staff writer, who is a complete douche bag. Maybe people would actually like him if he stopped acting like a foppish wide-brimmed asshat and started being a contributing member of society. Of course, that’s hard to do when you’re living in your Mom’s basement.
With finals looming and outline-making in full swing, Stool writers have been hard-pressed to uncover anything at Mitchell they feel is interesting this past week.
“Leave me the FUCK alone!” screamed one writer when asked to comment on the situation. “If I can think of something good to write, I’ll do it okay? In the meantime, I’ve got five different classes wedged into my asshole. Will you please get the hell away from me now?”
The stress level on the Mitchell campus has risen considerably in past days, and some students have displayed markedly shorted fuses – namely the aforementioned staff writer, who is a complete douche bag. Maybe people would actually like him if he stopped acting like a foppish wide-brimmed asshat and started being a contributing member of society. Of course, that’s hard to do when you’re living in your Mom’s basement.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Law review student chosen for “hotness”
Hans Olo, The Stool
Furthering the national perception surrounding society’s preferential treatment of good-looking persons, 2L James Reedlinger divulged to his study group last Wednesday that he was given a spot on law review for being “hot.”
“Well, I came in for a meeting with the decision-making people, and the first thing they asked me to do was take off my shirt,” recounted Reedlinger. “I didn’t understand why they were asking me to do that, but I thought it might be some kind of initiation thing, so I went along with it. I guess I was wrong.”
Wrong indeed. An anonymous source in the Mitchell law review told The Stool that Reedlinger’s writing sample and citation test were “horseshit.” “He didn’t even write about any of the topics,” said the source. “His piece consisted of a popsicle stick taped to a piece of notebook paper with the words ‘stick it to the law!’ written under it. People were laughing until the 8.5x11 glossy headshot fell out of the package.”
“We stand behind our decision,” said one male law review staffer. “I’m not gay, but I have to admit when I saw his picture, I got a chubby. You can’t just pass on someone like that.”
Furthering the national perception surrounding society’s preferential treatment of good-looking persons, 2L James Reedlinger divulged to his study group last Wednesday that he was given a spot on law review for being “hot.”
“Well, I came in for a meeting with the decision-making people, and the first thing they asked me to do was take off my shirt,” recounted Reedlinger. “I didn’t understand why they were asking me to do that, but I thought it might be some kind of initiation thing, so I went along with it. I guess I was wrong.”
Wrong indeed. An anonymous source in the Mitchell law review told The Stool that Reedlinger’s writing sample and citation test were “horseshit.” “He didn’t even write about any of the topics,” said the source. “His piece consisted of a popsicle stick taped to a piece of notebook paper with the words ‘stick it to the law!’ written under it. People were laughing until the 8.5x11 glossy headshot fell out of the package.”
“We stand behind our decision,” said one male law review staffer. “I’m not gay, but I have to admit when I saw his picture, I got a chubby. You can’t just pass on someone like that.”
1L irritated with apparent lack of respect
Molly Isringhousen, The Stool
According to 1L Amy Harris, her knowledge of the law is being summarily dismissed by many different “stupid” people. When a family discussion turned into a debate concerning a contract, Harris became irate when no one asked for her opinion on the matter.
“They just all sat around talking with each other like I wasn’t in law school or something!” said a visibly agitated Harris. “I was like HELLO! I’m the one in law school here! You people don’t know anything – you don’t even know about promissory estoppel or any of that other stuff! They just looked at me and kept talking. It’s like they refuse to take me seriously or something. I hate them so much!”
According to Harris, this theme has played itself out in many areas of her life. “I was at Starbucks yesterday getting a Coke when I heard the people behind me talking about buying a new house, so I told them all about defeasible estates. They didn’t even say thank you when I was done. Whatevs.”
According to 1L Amy Harris, her knowledge of the law is being summarily dismissed by many different “stupid” people. When a family discussion turned into a debate concerning a contract, Harris became irate when no one asked for her opinion on the matter.
“They just all sat around talking with each other like I wasn’t in law school or something!” said a visibly agitated Harris. “I was like HELLO! I’m the one in law school here! You people don’t know anything – you don’t even know about promissory estoppel or any of that other stuff! They just looked at me and kept talking. It’s like they refuse to take me seriously or something. I hate them so much!”
According to Harris, this theme has played itself out in many areas of her life. “I was at Starbucks yesterday getting a Coke when I heard the people behind me talking about buying a new house, so I told them all about defeasible estates. They didn’t even say thank you when I was done. Whatevs.”
Mr. Kelly comes to check on how his case is progressing
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
Several current and former WRAP students were utterly shocked when Mr. Kelley, a man previously thought to be a fictional character, came to check on the progress of his nuisance case.
"He just waltzed into my class during the middle of my oral argument," stated 1L Andrew Wiggin. "He looked angry. He asked if anyone has figured out any good ideas to get him out of this nuisance claim."
Several other students expressed similar shock and concern. "We thought he was fake," said 2L Valentine Peterson, "and then he came to school and picked up a bunch of WRAP papers from the Wahl center. We've totally been working for this guy...for free!"
"Well," continued Wiggin, "I guess all I can really say is that I hope the guy wins. He certainly has enough people on his side."
Several current and former WRAP students were utterly shocked when Mr. Kelley, a man previously thought to be a fictional character, came to check on the progress of his nuisance case.
"He just waltzed into my class during the middle of my oral argument," stated 1L Andrew Wiggin. "He looked angry. He asked if anyone has figured out any good ideas to get him out of this nuisance claim."
Several other students expressed similar shock and concern. "We thought he was fake," said 2L Valentine Peterson, "and then he came to school and picked up a bunch of WRAP papers from the Wahl center. We've totally been working for this guy...for free!"
"Well," continued Wiggin, "I guess all I can really say is that I hope the guy wins. He certainly has enough people on his side."
Friday, April 13, 2007
No surprise here: registration sucks again
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
As one anonymous Mitchell attendee put it, “registration for classes has once again bent the student body over and fucked us vigorously in the ass.” The specters of inept scheduling and poorly implemented technology raised their ugly, but familiar, heads while conspiring to turn the experience into a nightmare for most Mitchell students. When questioned by Stool staff about their registration experience, a resounding majority of learners expressed their extreme distaste for the experience.
“It sucks balls,” said 2L Tony Overkilt, while waiting for his registration time to arrive. “I’m just watching all of the friendly ‘add’ buttons change into evil, evil ‘waitlist’ buttons, and it makes me want to punch something.”
“AAUGH!” screamed part-time 3L Carrie Unger, “Every class I need meets at the same time on Mondays! What the hell is the matter with the scheduling people?!”
Some students did not express their rage as vocally, but chose instead to mutter in the darker corners of Hachey Commons. One student was seen breaking pencil after pencil while softly whispering, “Advocacy…Advocacy…” He declined further comment.
As one anonymous Mitchell attendee put it, “registration for classes has once again bent the student body over and fucked us vigorously in the ass.” The specters of inept scheduling and poorly implemented technology raised their ugly, but familiar, heads while conspiring to turn the experience into a nightmare for most Mitchell students. When questioned by Stool staff about their registration experience, a resounding majority of learners expressed their extreme distaste for the experience.
“It sucks balls,” said 2L Tony Overkilt, while waiting for his registration time to arrive. “I’m just watching all of the friendly ‘add’ buttons change into evil, evil ‘waitlist’ buttons, and it makes me want to punch something.”
“AAUGH!” screamed part-time 3L Carrie Unger, “Every class I need meets at the same time on Mondays! What the hell is the matter with the scheduling people?!”
Some students did not express their rage as vocally, but chose instead to mutter in the darker corners of Hachey Commons. One student was seen breaking pencil after pencil while softly whispering, “Advocacy…Advocacy…” He declined further comment.
2007 Placement predictions announced
Robert Marley, The Stool
William Mitchell is very proud of the fact that so many of its students find employment after graduation. This year, William Mitchell staff has provided The Stool with their list of careers Mitchell graduates will most likely be choosing for their employment. The list reads as follows:
Law Clerk: 4%
Gas Station Attendant: 16%
Cubicle Worker: 20%
McDonalds Manager: 7%
Homeless*: 3%
Bartender (in an actual Bar): 9%
Volunteer Firefighter: 2%
Librarian: 3%
Used Car Salesman: 13%
Hairdresser: 11%
Medical Research/Plasma Donations: 20%
Attorney: .0000001%
William Mitchell is extremely proud of its predicted 98% placement rate, and wishes its graduating students the best of luck.
*Also known as "Public Interest Law."
William Mitchell is very proud of the fact that so many of its students find employment after graduation. This year, William Mitchell staff has provided The Stool with their list of careers Mitchell graduates will most likely be choosing for their employment. The list reads as follows:
Law Clerk: 4%
Gas Station Attendant: 16%
Cubicle Worker: 20%
McDonalds Manager: 7%
Homeless*: 3%
Bartender (in an actual Bar): 9%
Volunteer Firefighter: 2%
Librarian: 3%
Used Car Salesman: 13%
Hairdresser: 11%
Medical Research/Plasma Donations: 20%
Attorney: .0000001%
William Mitchell is extremely proud of its predicted 98% placement rate, and wishes its graduating students the best of luck.
*Also known as "Public Interest Law."
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Controversy swirls at Mitchell talent show
Hans Olo, The Stool
Scandal reigned supreme at the Talent Show Thursday as eager contestants were turned away without the opportunity to showcase their special skills.
“I performed really well at the cock-measuring event a few weeks ago, and thought this would be a perfect forum to show people what I’m made of,” said 3L Tim Jiminanski. “Apparently the judges didn’t think a 14-inch cock was a talent, per se -- but I beg to differ.” Jiminanski had a number of “events” in mind to display the versatility and beauty of his member. Operating under the stage name, “Thick’n’Veiny,” the 3L had everything from shlong thigh-slapping to on-stage penis-puppetry planned, but to no avail. “When are people going to realize the human body is an amazing piece of art?” asked Jiminanski. “Now, because of some close-minded judges, Think’n’Veiny will have to ply his wares on the Internet.”
Other talents that were proposed, but later denied, included a vodka-drinking exhibition described as “a chair, a glass, a 750mL bottle of Philips vodka and 10 uninterrupted minutes,” and burning an effigy of C. Everett Koop while eating raw hotdogs and defecating on the stage.
Scandal reigned supreme at the Talent Show Thursday as eager contestants were turned away without the opportunity to showcase their special skills.
“I performed really well at the cock-measuring event a few weeks ago, and thought this would be a perfect forum to show people what I’m made of,” said 3L Tim Jiminanski. “Apparently the judges didn’t think a 14-inch cock was a talent, per se -- but I beg to differ.” Jiminanski had a number of “events” in mind to display the versatility and beauty of his member. Operating under the stage name, “Thick’n’Veiny,” the 3L had everything from shlong thigh-slapping to on-stage penis-puppetry planned, but to no avail. “When are people going to realize the human body is an amazing piece of art?” asked Jiminanski. “Now, because of some close-minded judges, Think’n’Veiny will have to ply his wares on the Internet.”
Other talents that were proposed, but later denied, included a vodka-drinking exhibition described as “a chair, a glass, a 750mL bottle of Philips vodka and 10 uninterrupted minutes,” and burning an effigy of C. Everett Koop while eating raw hotdogs and defecating on the stage.
1L content to park on the street
Gregg Wurzler, The Stool
As the academic year winds to a close, 1L Adrienne James has begun to convince herself that she doesn’t want to park in the Summit lot when school reconvenes next year. “It’s good exercise to walk to and from your car,” said James. “It gets your blood flowing, and it gives you some time to decompress a little after a hard day at school.”
Classmates of James disagree. “yeah, I heard her saying that same thing during the winter,” 1L Mike Dorian told us. “She’s a moron – it sucks ass to have to walk up and down that damn street every day. It’s usually cold, windy, and God forbid you park too close to a driveway or a corner! Holy Jesus the cops come out of the woodwork when that happens, but they can’t seem to cut down on the muggings. Whatever.”
As the academic year winds to a close, 1L Adrienne James has begun to convince herself that she doesn’t want to park in the Summit lot when school reconvenes next year. “It’s good exercise to walk to and from your car,” said James. “It gets your blood flowing, and it gives you some time to decompress a little after a hard day at school.”
Classmates of James disagree. “yeah, I heard her saying that same thing during the winter,” 1L Mike Dorian told us. “She’s a moron – it sucks ass to have to walk up and down that damn street every day. It’s usually cold, windy, and God forbid you park too close to a driveway or a corner! Holy Jesus the cops come out of the woodwork when that happens, but they can’t seem to cut down on the muggings. Whatever.”
Thursday, April 5, 2007
IM conversation mistaken for note-taking
Maria O’Connell, The Stool
3L Ray Aurelia became paranoid that he was missing something important as the student in front of him furiously clacked away at her keyboard during a recent tax law class.
“I was listening to the lecture and kind of soaking it in when I noticed that Charlotte was taking a lot of notes,” Aurelia told us. “So I thought I had better get on the ball or I would miss something important. After about five minutes she leaned over to get something out of her bag and I saw she was just IMing someone about how she hates her brother’s new girlfriend. I felt way better after I saw that.”
Studies show that between 30 and 45 percent of the typing during any one class period can be attributed to IM usage. That number spikes by as much as 50 points after someone does or says something stupid during the class itself.
“That’s good to know,” said 1L Matt Lewis. “I always feel guilty when I hear people typing and I’m not. Now I’ll just relax and continue enjoying my game of hearts.”
3L Ray Aurelia became paranoid that he was missing something important as the student in front of him furiously clacked away at her keyboard during a recent tax law class.
“I was listening to the lecture and kind of soaking it in when I noticed that Charlotte was taking a lot of notes,” Aurelia told us. “So I thought I had better get on the ball or I would miss something important. After about five minutes she leaned over to get something out of her bag and I saw she was just IMing someone about how she hates her brother’s new girlfriend. I felt way better after I saw that.”
Studies show that between 30 and 45 percent of the typing during any one class period can be attributed to IM usage. That number spikes by as much as 50 points after someone does or says something stupid during the class itself.
“That’s good to know,” said 1L Matt Lewis. “I always feel guilty when I hear people typing and I’m not. Now I’ll just relax and continue enjoying my game of hearts.”
Morbidly obese student would rather pay loans than 'Run for Justice'
Like the majority of law students, 3L Jerry Snedson has accumulated an enormous amount of debt. He, like so many others, is unsure about how he is going to pay off all of his student loans when he graduates. Unfortunately for Jerry, his debt isn't all that's enormous.
Jerry Snedson weighs in at nearly 460 pounds. His eating and exercise habits would shock the average person. Needless to say, Jerry will not be running the five kilometer "Run for Justice.”
"Yeah, I think I'd rather just pay my loans," said Jerry after glancing at the hallway display, which touts the 5K run as a means of paying off student debt. "It's pretty unfair, though," he continued, "because that's just not something I can do. If it were like, 'Pay off your debt by reading Batman comics' or something, I'd be all over it."
Jerry Snedson weighs in at nearly 460 pounds. His eating and exercise habits would shock the average person. Needless to say, Jerry will not be running the five kilometer "Run for Justice.”
"Yeah, I think I'd rather just pay my loans," said Jerry after glancing at the hallway display, which touts the 5K run as a means of paying off student debt. "It's pretty unfair, though," he continued, "because that's just not something I can do. If it were like, 'Pay off your debt by reading Batman comics' or something, I'd be all over it."
Cafeteria manager guy sports new look “for the ladies”
Hans Olo, The Stool
A newly tanned and facial-haired cafeteria manager recently unleashed his look on the unsuspecting females of the Mitchell community with understated, but hopeful, decorum.
The switch, The Stool was told, reflects a sea change in the life outlook of the manager. “I watched Dazed and Confused a couple of weeks ago, and realized that [Matthew McConaughey’s] character [Wooderson] was pretty much all-around awesome. The [subsequent changes in my life] just seemed to happen naturally after that.”
After enduring uncomfortable moments while booking tanning sessions at Sun Kissed, a local tanning and nail salon, manager guy fell into a routine of tanning and beard growth for two weeks. “You can’t just wake up one day and decide you’re going to look like this after you put on your clothes. You have to plan and be disciplined in your approach,” he told The Stool.
Manager guy sees a rosy future on the horizon. “I’ve got a line on a 1970 426 Hemi ‘Cuda that I’m going to buy and fix up, and I’m going to start wearing tighter tee shirts and pants.” When asked what he hopes the reaction will be in at the College, he responded, “whatever happens, I love those law school girls – I get older, they stay the same age.”
A newly tanned and facial-haired cafeteria manager recently unleashed his look on the unsuspecting females of the Mitchell community with understated, but hopeful, decorum.
The switch, The Stool was told, reflects a sea change in the life outlook of the manager. “I watched Dazed and Confused a couple of weeks ago, and realized that [Matthew McConaughey’s] character [Wooderson] was pretty much all-around awesome. The [subsequent changes in my life] just seemed to happen naturally after that.”
After enduring uncomfortable moments while booking tanning sessions at Sun Kissed, a local tanning and nail salon, manager guy fell into a routine of tanning and beard growth for two weeks. “You can’t just wake up one day and decide you’re going to look like this after you put on your clothes. You have to plan and be disciplined in your approach,” he told The Stool.
Manager guy sees a rosy future on the horizon. “I’ve got a line on a 1970 426 Hemi ‘Cuda that I’m going to buy and fix up, and I’m going to start wearing tighter tee shirts and pants.” When asked what he hopes the reaction will be in at the College, he responded, “whatever happens, I love those law school girls – I get older, they stay the same age.”
William Mitchell looking to add new category to diversity standards
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
After hours spent studying the latest diversity survey results, officials at William Mitchell discovered, to their horror, that the school is "dangerously close" to achieving perfect diversity.
"The categories are represented very equally," stated Ned Ossenbaum, William Mitchell's Diversity Consultant, "At least as equally as would be realistic in America today. As you might imagine, this presents a load of problems. If we were to achieve the perfect balance to the 'Mitchell Mix', we would effectively eliminate our diversity goal. Think of all of the jobs that would be lost! Every diversity scholar, every survey creator, heck, even my own job – flushed right down the drain!"
The school came up with a surprisingly simple solution: Add additional categories. Candidates for these new categories have been winnowed down to two.
"The first potential category is 'Meth Addict'," says Ossenbaum, "and the second is 'Bona Fide Terrorist'. We feel that both of these categories are dangerously underrepresented here at Mitchell. We'll add one to the list this year, and save the other until such a time as it might be needed."
A third category, "Horsefucker,” was eliminated because the Diversity Coalition could not come up with an appropriately PC title.
After hours spent studying the latest diversity survey results, officials at William Mitchell discovered, to their horror, that the school is "dangerously close" to achieving perfect diversity.
"The categories are represented very equally," stated Ned Ossenbaum, William Mitchell's Diversity Consultant, "At least as equally as would be realistic in America today. As you might imagine, this presents a load of problems. If we were to achieve the perfect balance to the 'Mitchell Mix', we would effectively eliminate our diversity goal. Think of all of the jobs that would be lost! Every diversity scholar, every survey creator, heck, even my own job – flushed right down the drain!"
The school came up with a surprisingly simple solution: Add additional categories. Candidates for these new categories have been winnowed down to two.
"The first potential category is 'Meth Addict'," says Ossenbaum, "and the second is 'Bona Fide Terrorist'. We feel that both of these categories are dangerously underrepresented here at Mitchell. We'll add one to the list this year, and save the other until such a time as it might be needed."
A third category, "Horsefucker,” was eliminated because the Diversity Coalition could not come up with an appropriately PC title.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Awkward bathroom conversation narrowly avoided
3L Mark Johnston found himself thrust into a potentially uncomfortable situation as he visited the restroom during the 10 minute mid-point break of his two-hour family law class last Tuesday.
“I was at the urinal in mid stream when the prof walked in and pulled up to the station at the end of the row. I knew I would have to either wait until he was nearly done washing his hands to start my shaking routine, or I would have to pinch it off right then so I could be sure my hands were washed and I was gone before he finished.”
Johnston feared what many men fear – a forced 30 to 90 second conversation about something mundane while holding, or closely appurtenant to holding, one’s penis.
“It’s especially bad when it’s a prof,” explained Johnston. “Because what do you really have in common besides pissing and your class? It’s not really a get-to-know-you-better situation, and asking a question about class is likely to lead to a longer discussion than you’re really after.”
Experts in social behavior and bathroom etiquette advise that men who face this situation do what Johnston ultimately decided to do: wait. “It might seem a bit strange to be standing there for so long,” said sociologist and author Werner Huxley. “However, if you coincide your flush and hand washing with your opponent’s hand drying, you have the best chance of appearing normal without looking like you’re running away. By the time you’re done washing, you’ll be in the clear.”
“I was at the urinal in mid stream when the prof walked in and pulled up to the station at the end of the row. I knew I would have to either wait until he was nearly done washing his hands to start my shaking routine, or I would have to pinch it off right then so I could be sure my hands were washed and I was gone before he finished.”
Johnston feared what many men fear – a forced 30 to 90 second conversation about something mundane while holding, or closely appurtenant to holding, one’s penis.
“It’s especially bad when it’s a prof,” explained Johnston. “Because what do you really have in common besides pissing and your class? It’s not really a get-to-know-you-better situation, and asking a question about class is likely to lead to a longer discussion than you’re really after.”
Experts in social behavior and bathroom etiquette advise that men who face this situation do what Johnston ultimately decided to do: wait. “It might seem a bit strange to be standing there for so long,” said sociologist and author Werner Huxley. “However, if you coincide your flush and hand washing with your opponent’s hand drying, you have the best chance of appearing normal without looking like you’re running away. By the time you’re done washing, you’ll be in the clear.”
Greenacre a stunning success in the field of reverse psychology
Hans Olo, The Stool
Greenacre organizers claimed absolute victory after the event concluded with an eye-popping number of participants in attendance. “We were hoping to fool people into thinking we wanted them to show up,” said chief organizer Dominique Jackson. “We had a table in the hallway, posters – the works. At the end of our ‘marketing’ campaign we had the student body right where we wanted them.”
Jackson explained that the actual goal for this year’s Greenacre was to have no one show up. “It was a very subtle experiment in human group think. When you don’t want someone to do something, our data suggest you should try like the dickens to get them to do it.”
The scene at Greenacre was subdued and decidedly academic 1L Tom Giensk told us. “Well, the place was all decorated and there was food and everything, but there wasn’t really anyone else there. I felt kind of bad for the people putting it on.”
Unbeknownst to Giensk, Jackson was monitoring the event from a control center set up next door. “A few people showed up,” said Jackson. “Next year we’ll have to double our efforts, and if everything goes well, no one will come.”
Greenacre organizers claimed absolute victory after the event concluded with an eye-popping number of participants in attendance. “We were hoping to fool people into thinking we wanted them to show up,” said chief organizer Dominique Jackson. “We had a table in the hallway, posters – the works. At the end of our ‘marketing’ campaign we had the student body right where we wanted them.”
Jackson explained that the actual goal for this year’s Greenacre was to have no one show up. “It was a very subtle experiment in human group think. When you don’t want someone to do something, our data suggest you should try like the dickens to get them to do it.”
The scene at Greenacre was subdued and decidedly academic 1L Tom Giensk told us. “Well, the place was all decorated and there was food and everything, but there wasn’t really anyone else there. I felt kind of bad for the people putting it on.”
Unbeknownst to Giensk, Jackson was monitoring the event from a control center set up next door. “A few people showed up,” said Jackson. “Next year we’ll have to double our efforts, and if everything goes well, no one will come.”
Student with remarkably high LSAT score brags, fails
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
This fall, 1L Larry Karmstein was incredibly optimistic as he purchased his books and started preparing for classes. He had enrolled at William Mitchell after scoring a remarkable 178 on the LSAT. When one of the bookstore attendants expressed that he felt sorry for Karmstein for having to go through WRAP, Karmstein replied, "Oh, no problem. I got a 178 on my LSAT."
"Oh, I remember that guy. He was a dick," reports 1L Anna Lenderson, "I introduced myself to him during orientation. The first thing he asked was what my LSAT score was. I was like, um, yeah, whatever. So he just blurts out that he scored a 178. I was like, 'Good for you, go away.'"
Karmstein's good fortune and high marks weren't destined to last,
however. He failed both Torts I and Property I, and was ejected from school shortly thereafter.
Karmstein was, apparently, a victim of freakish good luck. He was one of the very few people who manage to guess an incredibly high number of answers correctly on the multiple-choice LSAT.
"The fact of the matter is that the guy was an idiot," said his unnamed Contracts professor. "A lucky idiot, but still an idiot."
This fall, 1L Larry Karmstein was incredibly optimistic as he purchased his books and started preparing for classes. He had enrolled at William Mitchell after scoring a remarkable 178 on the LSAT. When one of the bookstore attendants expressed that he felt sorry for Karmstein for having to go through WRAP, Karmstein replied, "Oh, no problem. I got a 178 on my LSAT."
"Oh, I remember that guy. He was a dick," reports 1L Anna Lenderson, "I introduced myself to him during orientation. The first thing he asked was what my LSAT score was. I was like, um, yeah, whatever. So he just blurts out that he scored a 178. I was like, 'Good for you, go away.'"
Karmstein's good fortune and high marks weren't destined to last,
however. He failed both Torts I and Property I, and was ejected from school shortly thereafter.
Karmstein was, apparently, a victim of freakish good luck. He was one of the very few people who manage to guess an incredibly high number of answers correctly on the multiple-choice LSAT.
"The fact of the matter is that the guy was an idiot," said his unnamed Contracts professor. "A lucky idiot, but still an idiot."
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
The Stool for all seasons
A Special Announcement from The Stool
As we begin the SBA elections and the faculty chuckle amongst themselves at our ham-fisted attempts at “governance,” we at The Stool would like to officially throw our hats in the ring as a write-in candidate for SBA President. Yes, we realize this is last minute. Yes, we realize you’re not familiar with our platform. Yes, we realize you – like us – couldn’t give two fucks about these absurd elections. Now, finally, you have a reason to care. Behold, The Stool’s platform:
1. When elected, we will immediately abolish all other offices and declare the SBA a monarchy.
2. The Monarch will make court appointments based on important physical characteristics, such as boob size and crotch bulgy-ness.
3. To show our disapproval during council sessions, we will shit in our hands and throw it at the offending party.
4. We will see to it that faculty are provided bullwhips and taser guns for those gunners who just can’t seem to shut the fuck up during class.
5. We will demand we be carried to and from classes on a litter manned by eunuchs trained in hand-to-hand combat in the jungles primeval of Laos.
6. The café thingy will give each student one free meal per week – if $20k per year can’t cover a slice of pizza every once in a while, then we have big problems.
7. Membership in a new student organization called Long Live The Stool And Its Incredibly Good Looking Phalanx Of Writers will become mandatory for students and faculty.
8. We will reserve the right to implement other changes based on whim and/or whimsy, whichever comes first.
To accomplish these important and reasonable goals, The Stool plans to implement a rigorous and hard-hitting advertising campaign around school using campaign posters. Watch for downloadable versions of these posters that you – our loyal and obviously incredibly intelligent readers – will be able to print out and post around school yourself. If we get to it. We’re really lazy. We might just put up a picture of ham.
Remember, for change that will make a difference, write in The Stool!
As we begin the SBA elections and the faculty chuckle amongst themselves at our ham-fisted attempts at “governance,” we at The Stool would like to officially throw our hats in the ring as a write-in candidate for SBA President. Yes, we realize this is last minute. Yes, we realize you’re not familiar with our platform. Yes, we realize you – like us – couldn’t give two fucks about these absurd elections. Now, finally, you have a reason to care. Behold, The Stool’s platform:
1. When elected, we will immediately abolish all other offices and declare the SBA a monarchy.
2. The Monarch will make court appointments based on important physical characteristics, such as boob size and crotch bulgy-ness.
3. To show our disapproval during council sessions, we will shit in our hands and throw it at the offending party.
4. We will see to it that faculty are provided bullwhips and taser guns for those gunners who just can’t seem to shut the fuck up during class.
5. We will demand we be carried to and from classes on a litter manned by eunuchs trained in hand-to-hand combat in the jungles primeval of Laos.
6. The café thingy will give each student one free meal per week – if $20k per year can’t cover a slice of pizza every once in a while, then we have big problems.
7. Membership in a new student organization called Long Live The Stool And Its Incredibly Good Looking Phalanx Of Writers will become mandatory for students and faculty.
8. We will reserve the right to implement other changes based on whim and/or whimsy, whichever comes first.
To accomplish these important and reasonable goals, The Stool plans to implement a rigorous and hard-hitting advertising campaign around school using campaign posters. Watch for downloadable versions of these posters that you – our loyal and obviously incredibly intelligent readers – will be able to print out and post around school yourself. If we get to it. We’re really lazy. We might just put up a picture of ham.
Remember, for change that will make a difference, write in The Stool!
Friday, March 23, 2007
Starry-eyed public defender quickly becomes jaded
Amanda Webber, The Stool
After accepting a position as a Hennepin County public defender, Jane Hill had high hopes. “I wanted to make a difference and speak for those whose voice is often ignored,” Hill told the Stool. “I got to work energized and driven. That lasted for about two weeks.” Things began to derail for Hill when she realized everyone was guilty.
“Well, I hate to say it, but they’re just ALL guilty. It wasn’t public defense, it was a jail conveyor belt,” said Hill. “After a month I quit and picked up a position at [a large firm in Minneapolis]. Hey, I didn’t eat mountains of shit sandwiches and incur $100,000 in debt to get paid less than a shift supervisor at Bruegger’s. Momma needs her Fendi handbags. Someone else can defend the great unwashed.”
When the Stool related Hill’s story to assorted Mitchell faculty, each expressed outrage and shock that anyone could be so self serving and callous. Later that day, each drove back to their suburban homes and ate a nice meal finished off by a lovely glass of wine.
After accepting a position as a Hennepin County public defender, Jane Hill had high hopes. “I wanted to make a difference and speak for those whose voice is often ignored,” Hill told the Stool. “I got to work energized and driven. That lasted for about two weeks.” Things began to derail for Hill when she realized everyone was guilty.
“Well, I hate to say it, but they’re just ALL guilty. It wasn’t public defense, it was a jail conveyor belt,” said Hill. “After a month I quit and picked up a position at [a large firm in Minneapolis]. Hey, I didn’t eat mountains of shit sandwiches and incur $100,000 in debt to get paid less than a shift supervisor at Bruegger’s. Momma needs her Fendi handbags. Someone else can defend the great unwashed.”
When the Stool related Hill’s story to assorted Mitchell faculty, each expressed outrage and shock that anyone could be so self serving and callous. Later that day, each drove back to their suburban homes and ate a nice meal finished off by a lovely glass of wine.
Professor Pannier shaken after nightmare
Hans Olo, The Stool
Following waking up in a veritable pool of sweat brought on by a particularly vivid nightmare last night, the Professor recounted his experience to a Stool insider.
“I was in Hell, and I was being forced to memorize the New York City phone book,” a visibly shaken Pannier told us. “I kept trying to point out to the demons and imps who were torturing me that I could simply look up the information in the very book I was being forced to memorize whenever I needed it, but they would hear none of it.”
Dreams about completely pointless, utterly useless wastes of time such as memorizing large amounts of material taken from easily referenced sources is a theme that haunts the dreams of many people connected to Pannier. 2L Clay Boyton gave us his thoughts on this phenomenon. “When I have a dream like that, it usually lasts between 50 and 100 minutes. They tend to subside within nine to ten months.”
Following waking up in a veritable pool of sweat brought on by a particularly vivid nightmare last night, the Professor recounted his experience to a Stool insider.
“I was in Hell, and I was being forced to memorize the New York City phone book,” a visibly shaken Pannier told us. “I kept trying to point out to the demons and imps who were torturing me that I could simply look up the information in the very book I was being forced to memorize whenever I needed it, but they would hear none of it.”
Dreams about completely pointless, utterly useless wastes of time such as memorizing large amounts of material taken from easily referenced sources is a theme that haunts the dreams of many people connected to Pannier. 2L Clay Boyton gave us his thoughts on this phenomenon. “When I have a dream like that, it usually lasts between 50 and 100 minutes. They tend to subside within nine to ten months.”
Friday, March 16, 2007
Register for the First Annual Men in Law Cock Measuring
An Announcement From The Stool
In order to promote a school environment that is free of gender discrimination, The Stool is proud to announce the first annual MLSA Cock Measuring session. The gathering will take place at the same time as the WLSA Women in Law Tea, Wednesday March 21 at 5:00 to 7:30 PM, in the Men’s Room across from the auditorium.
Male William Mitchell students are encouraged to register in advance for this important social event. Members of prominent Minneapolis/St. Paul law firms will be present. The gathering will consist of networking and, of course, cock measuring.
“I think I’ve got a pretty big cock, so I’ll probably stop by” 4L Jake Thomm told the Stool during an information session in Hachey Commons. “It’s not like I have a holster or anything, but I usually get the appreciative nod when someone pulls up next to me at a urinal and looks over.”
Other students aren’t so sure. “Well, I guess I would call it average” said 2L Greg Fellows. “I would hate to get there and be the smallest. I think I’ll probably give myself a little tune-up before it starts.”
Attendees will be put in a drawing to win one of two rulers and a c-ring.
In order to promote a school environment that is free of gender discrimination, The Stool is proud to announce the first annual MLSA Cock Measuring session. The gathering will take place at the same time as the WLSA Women in Law Tea, Wednesday March 21 at 5:00 to 7:30 PM, in the Men’s Room across from the auditorium.
Male William Mitchell students are encouraged to register in advance for this important social event. Members of prominent Minneapolis/St. Paul law firms will be present. The gathering will consist of networking and, of course, cock measuring.
“I think I’ve got a pretty big cock, so I’ll probably stop by” 4L Jake Thomm told the Stool during an information session in Hachey Commons. “It’s not like I have a holster or anything, but I usually get the appreciative nod when someone pulls up next to me at a urinal and looks over.”
Other students aren’t so sure. “Well, I guess I would call it average” said 2L Greg Fellows. “I would hate to get there and be the smallest. I think I’ll probably give myself a little tune-up before it starts.”
Attendees will be put in a drawing to win one of two rulers and a c-ring.
Laptop malfunction, poor handwriting result in disaster
Snivelsome Oldbean, the Stool
In this era of high technology, the use of computers has become an almost essential part of law school life. Many students rely on their laptops for everything from assignments to exams. The loss of a functional laptop can prove devastating.
2L Mark Mulman found out just how bad it could be during his Family Law exam this fall. “I hadn’t even written anything and my computer just blew up,” said Mulman. “The screen went dark and I smelled something burning. I had to grab a bluebook and try to keep going.”
From there, things only got worse for Mulman. “My handwriting is so bad that I couldn’t even read it,” he said, his eyes beginning to water. “I tried to just draw a diagram instead…you know, a picture. It turned out looking all wrong, so I made it into a smiling muffin, and wrote the word MUFFIN above it in huge letters.”
Mulman refuses to talk about the rest of the exam period, but according to several classmates, he started screaming and pounding his laptop until keys started flying off. He was escorted out by security.
“They didn’t even let me turn in my Muffin picture,” Mulman said, “I’m sure that would have got me at least a C.”
In this era of high technology, the use of computers has become an almost essential part of law school life. Many students rely on their laptops for everything from assignments to exams. The loss of a functional laptop can prove devastating.
2L Mark Mulman found out just how bad it could be during his Family Law exam this fall. “I hadn’t even written anything and my computer just blew up,” said Mulman. “The screen went dark and I smelled something burning. I had to grab a bluebook and try to keep going.”
From there, things only got worse for Mulman. “My handwriting is so bad that I couldn’t even read it,” he said, his eyes beginning to water. “I tried to just draw a diagram instead…you know, a picture. It turned out looking all wrong, so I made it into a smiling muffin, and wrote the word MUFFIN above it in huge letters.”
Mulman refuses to talk about the rest of the exam period, but according to several classmates, he started screaming and pounding his laptop until keys started flying off. He was escorted out by security.
“They didn’t even let me turn in my Muffin picture,” Mulman said, “I’m sure that would have got me at least a C.”
Point, counter-point: PLPs
Staff Contributors, The Stool
Staff members at the Stool recently sat down with PLP coordinators and policy-makers to discuss PLPs and their role in student’s lives.
Faculty: PLPs give students the opportunity to experience many different facets of law while addressing the social and diversity-conscious underpinnings William Mitchell strives to explore and maintain.
The Stool: I can’t recall actually learning a single thing in any of the PLPs I’ve attended. Wait, that’s not true. I learned that the cafeteria Pizza tastes like ass. I’m a much more socially conscious person because of it.
Faculty: We know PLPs can be a sore subject – especially for our part-time students, but please refrain from cursing.
The Stool: You’re right. We shouldn’t swear. Tell you what, we’ll stop swearing when you start lowering tuition.
Faculty: We thought this was going to be a discussion about PLPs and their role in student’s lives. If you’re interested in setting up another time to discuss tuition, we would be more than happy to talk with you about it.
The Stool: How about this?
The interview then quickly degenerated after a Stool staffer began punching faculty members in the crotch. That staff member has been terminated. The Stool would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the Dean of Students who seemed to take the brunt of the abuse.
Staff members at the Stool recently sat down with PLP coordinators and policy-makers to discuss PLPs and their role in student’s lives.
Faculty: PLPs give students the opportunity to experience many different facets of law while addressing the social and diversity-conscious underpinnings William Mitchell strives to explore and maintain.
The Stool: I can’t recall actually learning a single thing in any of the PLPs I’ve attended. Wait, that’s not true. I learned that the cafeteria Pizza tastes like ass. I’m a much more socially conscious person because of it.
Faculty: We know PLPs can be a sore subject – especially for our part-time students, but please refrain from cursing.
The Stool: You’re right. We shouldn’t swear. Tell you what, we’ll stop swearing when you start lowering tuition.
Faculty: We thought this was going to be a discussion about PLPs and their role in student’s lives. If you’re interested in setting up another time to discuss tuition, we would be more than happy to talk with you about it.
The Stool: How about this?
The interview then quickly degenerated after a Stool staffer began punching faculty members in the crotch. That staff member has been terminated. The Stool would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the Dean of Students who seemed to take the brunt of the abuse.
1L shunned after poorly timed question
Hans Olo, The Stool
As her civil procedure class wound down to the final minutes last Friday, Lisa Greico committed what many consider to be a terrible social blunder.
“Our prof asked if there were any questions before we broke for the weekend, and I was curious about [personal jurisdiction] so I asked. After class everyone was kind of saying things under their breath and looking at me. I don’t get it” said Greico.
Greico had fallen victim to the common “any last questions?” rhetorical question gaffe. “You just want to get the hell out of there,” 3L Justin Leeper told us. “Profs only ask that at the end of class because they feel like they have to. Anyone who actually asks a question a minute or two before the end of class on a Friday – or any day really – should be hit in the throat with a tack hammer.”
“The best thing to do if you have a question at the end of class is just go up and ask the prof after class is over,” 2L Leslie Carlisle said. “That way we don’t have to sit there and pretend to listen to the answer.”
As her civil procedure class wound down to the final minutes last Friday, Lisa Greico committed what many consider to be a terrible social blunder.
“Our prof asked if there were any questions before we broke for the weekend, and I was curious about [personal jurisdiction] so I asked. After class everyone was kind of saying things under their breath and looking at me. I don’t get it” said Greico.
Greico had fallen victim to the common “any last questions?” rhetorical question gaffe. “You just want to get the hell out of there,” 3L Justin Leeper told us. “Profs only ask that at the end of class because they feel like they have to. Anyone who actually asks a question a minute or two before the end of class on a Friday – or any day really – should be hit in the throat with a tack hammer.”
“The best thing to do if you have a question at the end of class is just go up and ask the prof after class is over,” 2L Leslie Carlisle said. “That way we don’t have to sit there and pretend to listen to the answer.”
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Students make startling nickname discovery at local bar
Hans Olo, The Stool
After meeting by chance at the Happy Gnome last Thursday night, two groups of friends who attend the same class, but had never met, realized they shared similar nicknames for the same annoying student in their Constitutional Law class.
“We call him ‘The Asslicker’ because he’s constantly sucking up to the prof,” 2L Simone DeVries told us recently. “Then [my friend Brett and I] found out that Jenny and Kyle call him ‘Shitstack,’ because whenever he opens his mouth bullshit piles up. It was pretty funny.”
Kyle Vandervoort also found the similarity in nicknames amusing. “When Brett told us he and Simone called him ‘The Asslicker’ I almost fell off my chair laughing. It’s just so fitting. That guy is a huge douche. Come to think of it, I guess the nicknames aren’t really that similar. They’re still funny though…whatever.”
After many Belgian beers and two solid hours of bonding, the newly-found friends realized they needed to agree on one common nickname they could all use. “We decided on ‘The Ass-Stack,’” 2L Jenny Peters said. “It’s good, but I think Dan and I are still going to call him ‘Shitstack’ when it’s just us. It just rolls off the tongue a little better.”
After meeting by chance at the Happy Gnome last Thursday night, two groups of friends who attend the same class, but had never met, realized they shared similar nicknames for the same annoying student in their Constitutional Law class.
“We call him ‘The Asslicker’ because he’s constantly sucking up to the prof,” 2L Simone DeVries told us recently. “Then [my friend Brett and I] found out that Jenny and Kyle call him ‘Shitstack,’ because whenever he opens his mouth bullshit piles up. It was pretty funny.”
Kyle Vandervoort also found the similarity in nicknames amusing. “When Brett told us he and Simone called him ‘The Asslicker’ I almost fell off my chair laughing. It’s just so fitting. That guy is a huge douche. Come to think of it, I guess the nicknames aren’t really that similar. They’re still funny though…whatever.”
After many Belgian beers and two solid hours of bonding, the newly-found friends realized they needed to agree on one common nickname they could all use. “We decided on ‘The Ass-Stack,’” 2L Jenny Peters said. “It’s good, but I think Dan and I are still going to call him ‘Shitstack’ when it’s just us. It just rolls off the tongue a little better.”
3L much more confident after watching UFC event at friend’s house
Penelopy Burke, The Stool
Mitch Conner, 3L, came home after watching UFC 68 feeling like he could “take anybody.” “It all just really clicked for me,” Conner said. “I really studied the fighter’s styles and wrestling moves – it’s all about manipulation and leverage. Once you understand that, and how to throw a punch, it’s easy.”
When asked if he had ever taken a mixed martial arts class, or participated in boxing or wrestling, Conner responded, “no, but that doesn’t matter. I’m awesome at picking stuff up by watching it. Check it out.” Conner then vigorously punched at the air in front of him for 30 seconds before he became too winded to speak.
After recovering, Conner continued. “Now I can walk into a bar and know that if I get fucked with, it’s cool. I will own anyone who wants a piece of me. The rear naked choke is my favorite move so far. It looks super easy to do, and it’s really effective.”
Conner now insists his friends refer to him as “Counselor Crushin’ Stuff.”
Mitch Conner, 3L, came home after watching UFC 68 feeling like he could “take anybody.” “It all just really clicked for me,” Conner said. “I really studied the fighter’s styles and wrestling moves – it’s all about manipulation and leverage. Once you understand that, and how to throw a punch, it’s easy.”
When asked if he had ever taken a mixed martial arts class, or participated in boxing or wrestling, Conner responded, “no, but that doesn’t matter. I’m awesome at picking stuff up by watching it. Check it out.” Conner then vigorously punched at the air in front of him for 30 seconds before he became too winded to speak.
After recovering, Conner continued. “Now I can walk into a bar and know that if I get fucked with, it’s cool. I will own anyone who wants a piece of me. The rear naked choke is my favorite move so far. It looks super easy to do, and it’s really effective.”
Conner now insists his friends refer to him as “Counselor Crushin’ Stuff.”
U of M Students challenge Mitchell students to “old fashioned rumble”
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
A contingent of students from the University of Minnesota Law School came to William Mitchell today and proclaimed there would be a “rumble” in the Mitchell parking lot “after class.” The U of M students were clad in denim jackets, and brandished a wide variety of bludgeoning weapons ranging from baseball bats to large chains. Their speech included phrases like “crazy cat” and “buzz it, old man,” and they snapped their fingers as they spoke, but their message was clear: There will be a bloodfest.
“They’re just jealous because we have a way cooler library,” stated Jeff Goodson, a Mitchell 2L. “That, and we have a nicer campus, better classes, and a much more attractive student body in general.”
When asked whether he would be joining his fellow Mitchell students in the rumble in the parking lot, Goodson replied, “Oh yeah, I’ll totally be there. I’m sure there are all sorts of tort issues here, but when it comes right down to it, those [U of M students] just need a good ass whoopin’.”
If you would like to participate in tonight’s rumble, join us in the main parking lot at 9:30 PM. Bring a blunt object. Pizza will be provided. Diversity PLP credit is available.
A contingent of students from the University of Minnesota Law School came to William Mitchell today and proclaimed there would be a “rumble” in the Mitchell parking lot “after class.” The U of M students were clad in denim jackets, and brandished a wide variety of bludgeoning weapons ranging from baseball bats to large chains. Their speech included phrases like “crazy cat” and “buzz it, old man,” and they snapped their fingers as they spoke, but their message was clear: There will be a bloodfest.
“They’re just jealous because we have a way cooler library,” stated Jeff Goodson, a Mitchell 2L. “That, and we have a nicer campus, better classes, and a much more attractive student body in general.”
When asked whether he would be joining his fellow Mitchell students in the rumble in the parking lot, Goodson replied, “Oh yeah, I’ll totally be there. I’m sure there are all sorts of tort issues here, but when it comes right down to it, those [U of M students] just need a good ass whoopin’.”
If you would like to participate in tonight’s rumble, join us in the main parking lot at 9:30 PM. Bring a blunt object. Pizza will be provided. Diversity PLP credit is available.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Southern Procedure class to be offered next year at Mitchell
Bailey Finklestein, The Stool
Addressing what many feel is a glaring and embarrassing hole in the College’s curriculum, Dean Easley announced at a recent press conference the inclusion of Southern Procedure in next year’s course schedule.
“It’s a great fit for the College,” commented Easley, “and we’re all very pleased that we were able to lure Professor Buford Scrimshaw III away from Southern Alabama State Law and Taxidermy School to instruct our students in this valuable and exciting area of law.”
Professor Scrimshaw’s course will address mainstays of southern procedure including, but not limited to, the mopping of one’s brow and upper lip with a linen handkerchief during the examination of a witness, proper pronunciation and inflection of certain words, and how to object to a line of questioning.
When asked for a sample of subjects the course may cover, the Stool learned that, for example, southern procedure demands the emphasis be put on the first syllable of the word “idea.” Thus, the sentence “I have no idea where the car is,” becomes “I have no AH-dea where the car is.” Similarly, when objecting in a southern court, one does not merely object. One always strenuously objects. “It excites the blood,” explained professor Scrimshaw.
Addressing what many feel is a glaring and embarrassing hole in the College’s curriculum, Dean Easley announced at a recent press conference the inclusion of Southern Procedure in next year’s course schedule.
“It’s a great fit for the College,” commented Easley, “and we’re all very pleased that we were able to lure Professor Buford Scrimshaw III away from Southern Alabama State Law and Taxidermy School to instruct our students in this valuable and exciting area of law.”
Professor Scrimshaw’s course will address mainstays of southern procedure including, but not limited to, the mopping of one’s brow and upper lip with a linen handkerchief during the examination of a witness, proper pronunciation and inflection of certain words, and how to object to a line of questioning.
When asked for a sample of subjects the course may cover, the Stool learned that, for example, southern procedure demands the emphasis be put on the first syllable of the word “idea.” Thus, the sentence “I have no idea where the car is,” becomes “I have no AH-dea where the car is.” Similarly, when objecting in a southern court, one does not merely object. One always strenuously objects. “It excites the blood,” explained professor Scrimshaw.
SBA shocked to discover its own ineffectuality
LaDarrel Thirgidsdottir, The Stool
After years of attempted decision making with lackluster results, the SBA finally admitted that the association’s belief in its own supreme powers was unfounded.
“Perhaps we really aren’t as powerful as we think we are,” said spokeswoman Marissa C. Towne in a press conference Monday afternoon. “After taking a look at what we’ve accomplished over the years, it became apparent that we haven’t really managed to do much of anything.”
When asked what the SBA planned to do to change their apparent lack of influence, Towne replied, “Well, we’ve just got to reassert our dominion over the student body. We’ve already started to restructure ourselves. Just last week we gave ourselves new titles. I’m now ‘Lord Captain Commander’ Towne, for instance, and we’ve started referring to the SBA President [Drew Gibbs] as ‘His Grace, the Captain of the Dawn, Triumph of the East, the Bringer of Light.' We think that these new titles will really show people how awesome we are.”
After years of attempted decision making with lackluster results, the SBA finally admitted that the association’s belief in its own supreme powers was unfounded.
“Perhaps we really aren’t as powerful as we think we are,” said spokeswoman Marissa C. Towne in a press conference Monday afternoon. “After taking a look at what we’ve accomplished over the years, it became apparent that we haven’t really managed to do much of anything.”
When asked what the SBA planned to do to change their apparent lack of influence, Towne replied, “Well, we’ve just got to reassert our dominion over the student body. We’ve already started to restructure ourselves. Just last week we gave ourselves new titles. I’m now ‘Lord Captain Commander’ Towne, for instance, and we’ve started referring to the SBA President [Drew Gibbs] as ‘His Grace, the Captain of the Dawn, Triumph of the East, the Bringer of Light.' We think that these new titles will really show people how awesome we are.”
Recent survey shows nobody gives a damn what grade you got
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
The results of a recent survey by the Law Student Survey Association (LSSA) show that the overwhelming majority of students couldn’t care less what grades their peers received.
A spokesperson for the LSSA stated that the survey was prompted by students’ behavior after discovering their grades. “The rash of students that loudly blurt out their grades, good or bad, to anyone in the immediate area was definitely motivation for the survey,” the spokesperson said. “We noticed that such proclamations were generally met with looks of either disgust or disinterest, and we wanted to find out what the general public thought.”
The exact question put forth on the survey was, “Would you like to know what grades your peers received?” Based on multiple choice answers, the results were:
1. Yes 2%
2. I don’t care 27%
3. Not really 15%
4. I don’t give a flying fuck 53%
5. I hope they all die 3%
The results of a recent survey by the Law Student Survey Association (LSSA) show that the overwhelming majority of students couldn’t care less what grades their peers received.
A spokesperson for the LSSA stated that the survey was prompted by students’ behavior after discovering their grades. “The rash of students that loudly blurt out their grades, good or bad, to anyone in the immediate area was definitely motivation for the survey,” the spokesperson said. “We noticed that such proclamations were generally met with looks of either disgust or disinterest, and we wanted to find out what the general public thought.”
The exact question put forth on the survey was, “Would you like to know what grades your peers received?” Based on multiple choice answers, the results were:
1. Yes 2%
2. I don’t care 27%
3. Not really 15%
4. I don’t give a flying fuck 53%
5. I hope they all die 3%
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Professor Steenson not to be fucked with
Hans Olo, The Stool
Numerous students have recently postulated William Mitchell’s Professor Michael Steenson may be the toughest law professor on the planet. The following comprise an unconfirmed list of the professor’s tough-guy accomplishments:
1. Cancer Survivor
2. Shot with a shotgun
3. Attacked and bitten by a large dog
4. Former Marine
5. Sports a large, bushy moustache
6. Pronounces the word “guarantee” “gaar-un-tee”
“I wouldn’t want to make him mad, that’s for sure,” said Daniel Hoffmann, a 1L in Steenson’s Torts II course. “I pee a little bit every time he yells in class.”
After an informal poll, The Stool has learned that 100% of students questioned feel that Steenson could take any current US Supreme Court justice in a fight. “Especially that pussy Scalia,” 2L Dan Thompson told us. “Steenson would obliterate him. Thomas might be a little more of a challenge, but he’s probably too fat to last more than five minutes.”
Steenson has also been rumored to possess the ability to plunge his bare hands into a vat of liquid nitrogen with no ill effects. “He might be some sort of scholastic elemental,” said one source close to Steenson. “He must have a weakness. Whatever it is, I don’t think you’re going to find it if you meet him in a dark alley at 3am after a night of drinking.” Indeed not. Such a scenario is the stuff of nightmares.
Numerous students have recently postulated William Mitchell’s Professor Michael Steenson may be the toughest law professor on the planet. The following comprise an unconfirmed list of the professor’s tough-guy accomplishments:
1. Cancer Survivor
2. Shot with a shotgun
3. Attacked and bitten by a large dog
4. Former Marine
5. Sports a large, bushy moustache
6. Pronounces the word “guarantee” “gaar-un-tee”
“I wouldn’t want to make him mad, that’s for sure,” said Daniel Hoffmann, a 1L in Steenson’s Torts II course. “I pee a little bit every time he yells in class.”
After an informal poll, The Stool has learned that 100% of students questioned feel that Steenson could take any current US Supreme Court justice in a fight. “Especially that pussy Scalia,” 2L Dan Thompson told us. “Steenson would obliterate him. Thomas might be a little more of a challenge, but he’s probably too fat to last more than five minutes.”
Steenson has also been rumored to possess the ability to plunge his bare hands into a vat of liquid nitrogen with no ill effects. “He might be some sort of scholastic elemental,” said one source close to Steenson. “He must have a weakness. Whatever it is, I don’t think you’re going to find it if you meet him in a dark alley at 3am after a night of drinking.” Indeed not. Such a scenario is the stuff of nightmares.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
School institutes rule against talking like a shithead
Ray Talleyho, The Stool
Several students were shocked on Wednesday when William Mitchell announced a new policy against “talking like a shithead.” The policy, according to the William Mitchell website, expressly forbids three different types of speech: Using large words in an attempt to sound smarter than one actually is, using words of which one does not know the meaning, and asking idiotically unrelated questions at the end of class.
According to the language of the policy, any student who fails to adhere to the policy may either be ejected from class or be “subjected to rigorous humiliation” by the professor.
One professor, who chose to remain anonymous, expressed his approval for the new policy. “I really look forward to humiliating students,” he stated. “I’ve done so for my entire career, and I’ll continue to do so until I retire. Having school policy that backs me up makes it even more fun, though.”
Some students, however, had different views. “The policy seems odious, onerous, and crumblesome, if you ask me,” said Brady Thessaris, a 1L. “It really behooves me. I’m feeling quite cognizant right now, and will be expressing grievances.”
Several students were shocked on Wednesday when William Mitchell announced a new policy against “talking like a shithead.” The policy, according to the William Mitchell website, expressly forbids three different types of speech: Using large words in an attempt to sound smarter than one actually is, using words of which one does not know the meaning, and asking idiotically unrelated questions at the end of class.
According to the language of the policy, any student who fails to adhere to the policy may either be ejected from class or be “subjected to rigorous humiliation” by the professor.
One professor, who chose to remain anonymous, expressed his approval for the new policy. “I really look forward to humiliating students,” he stated. “I’ve done so for my entire career, and I’ll continue to do so until I retire. Having school policy that backs me up makes it even more fun, though.”
Some students, however, had different views. “The policy seems odious, onerous, and crumblesome, if you ask me,” said Brady Thessaris, a 1L. “It really behooves me. I’m feeling quite cognizant right now, and will be expressing grievances.”
Law School newspaper proud of biennial publication
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
Writers for a local school newspaper, The William Mitchell Estimation, were extremely impressed at their ability to publish one issue every two years. The newspaper released its third issue in six years on Tuesday.
“It’s really awesome. Really, really awesome,” said spokesperson Kim Simmons. “This whole intarwebb [sic] thing has made things really awesome for us. We can really, really show people all of the issues now, which is totally awesome. Now law students can see as many as two issues during the time they’re in school! Isn’t that unreal?”
A written statement from Barry Slightstone, the Estimation’s editor-in-chief, read: “We arr so prowd too be giveeng the studints thiss payper. Hope fully wee can kontinu to brieng exhalent noos to you all.”
Writers for a local school newspaper, The William Mitchell Estimation, were extremely impressed at their ability to publish one issue every two years. The newspaper released its third issue in six years on Tuesday.
“It’s really awesome. Really, really awesome,” said spokesperson Kim Simmons. “This whole intarwebb [sic] thing has made things really awesome for us. We can really, really show people all of the issues now, which is totally awesome. Now law students can see as many as two issues during the time they’re in school! Isn’t that unreal?”
A written statement from Barry Slightstone, the Estimation’s editor-in-chief, read: “We arr so prowd too be giveeng the studints thiss payper. Hope fully wee can kontinu to brieng exhalent noos to you all.”
Security escort fails to inspire fear, confidence
Anna Hayes, The Stool
When 3L Denise Crosby arranged for a security escort last Wednesday night after class, the experience produced more anxiety than it prevented.
“Well, I don’t want to be mean, but it didn’t look like the security people were in the best shape,” Crosby told us. “I was more nervous about what would happen if we got jumped and he couldn’t run away than I was about what would happen to me.”
“He was doing some pretty heavy nose-whistle breathing by the time we got to my car, too,” added Crosby. “Maybe the school should give them Segways or something.”
Mitchell spokespeople insist that security personnel are held to a high standard. When asked what exactly that standard was, we were offered a scone and an assurance that any Stool staff’s application to “brown bag” with Dean Easley would be looked on “very, very favorably.”
When 3L Denise Crosby arranged for a security escort last Wednesday night after class, the experience produced more anxiety than it prevented.
“Well, I don’t want to be mean, but it didn’t look like the security people were in the best shape,” Crosby told us. “I was more nervous about what would happen if we got jumped and he couldn’t run away than I was about what would happen to me.”
“He was doing some pretty heavy nose-whistle breathing by the time we got to my car, too,” added Crosby. “Maybe the school should give them Segways or something.”
Mitchell spokespeople insist that security personnel are held to a high standard. When asked what exactly that standard was, we were offered a scone and an assurance that any Stool staff’s application to “brown bag” with Dean Easley would be looked on “very, very favorably.”
Frustrated novelist accepts professorship, looking forward to the facts section of exams
Hans Olo, The Stool
While an utter failure in the field of literature, newly anointed Estates and Trusts professor Mark Brown has big plans for his upcoming exams.
“It’s all about character development,” explained Brown. “If your reader doesn’t care about the people they’re following, you’ve lost them. I hope my students will want to answer the questions correctly not just for themselves, but for the people they’re reading about, too.”
Brown’s current draft of this year’s spring exam boasts three separate fact sections totaling 32 pages.
“That’s fucking absurd,” one student told us on condition of anonymity. “If there are 32 pages of facts I’ll just wipe my ass with the answer sections and turn it in.”
While an utter failure in the field of literature, newly anointed Estates and Trusts professor Mark Brown has big plans for his upcoming exams.
“It’s all about character development,” explained Brown. “If your reader doesn’t care about the people they’re following, you’ve lost them. I hope my students will want to answer the questions correctly not just for themselves, but for the people they’re reading about, too.”
Brown’s current draft of this year’s spring exam boasts three separate fact sections totaling 32 pages.
“That’s fucking absurd,” one student told us on condition of anonymity. “If there are 32 pages of facts I’ll just wipe my ass with the answer sections and turn it in.”
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Top college recruit red-shirted at Mitchell
Hans Olo, The Stool
Following an intensive and successful recruiting season, senior professors and administration have announced their decision to redshirt incoming 1L Jeremy Timms next year to prolong his law school eligibility. “I’m thrilled to be attending a law school with such a long and distinguished history,” said Timms. “I know the profs have my best interests in mind.”
The move comes as a shock to some students currently on moot court – an area in which Timms has expressed an early interest. “From what I’ve heard, Jeremy could really help us out next year – but if that’s how it’s going to be, then we’ll adapt,” said 3L Dwight Mason.
“Jeremy is a recruit we can’t afford to rush through the normal academic method,” Dean Easley told us. “When you have that much raw talent, it’s a good idea to take things slow as the maturing process sets in.”
Certain William Mitchell faculty are excited to have the dynamic Timms in their classes, pointing to a whopping 179 LSAT score and an exceptional entrance essay. Others seem willing to wait for their crack at the recruit. “I don’t give a shit what they do as long as he pays his tuition,” said Professor Michael Jordan. “If my checks start bouncing, then I’ll have an opinion.”
Following an intensive and successful recruiting season, senior professors and administration have announced their decision to redshirt incoming 1L Jeremy Timms next year to prolong his law school eligibility. “I’m thrilled to be attending a law school with such a long and distinguished history,” said Timms. “I know the profs have my best interests in mind.”
The move comes as a shock to some students currently on moot court – an area in which Timms has expressed an early interest. “From what I’ve heard, Jeremy could really help us out next year – but if that’s how it’s going to be, then we’ll adapt,” said 3L Dwight Mason.
“Jeremy is a recruit we can’t afford to rush through the normal academic method,” Dean Easley told us. “When you have that much raw talent, it’s a good idea to take things slow as the maturing process sets in.”
Certain William Mitchell faculty are excited to have the dynamic Timms in their classes, pointing to a whopping 179 LSAT score and an exceptional entrance essay. Others seem willing to wait for their crack at the recruit. “I don’t give a shit what they do as long as he pays his tuition,” said Professor Michael Jordan. “If my checks start bouncing, then I’ll have an opinion.”
Coping with Test Anxiety
Henrietta Winkler, Student Intern, The Stool
Now that finals are officially behind us, it’s a great time to look at some methods you could have used to cope with the stress they caused. Here’s a list of three stress-relieving tactics could have helped your test scores a lot, if only you’d had it sooner.
1. Heavy breathing. The merits of good breathing are always a focus in anxiety relief seminars, but it simply can’t be stressed enough. In fact, most advice-givers tell us only to take some deep breaths, when in fact, you should be panting like a pig in labor. Really HEAVE when you breathe. It not only helps with oxygen flow, it also serves to distract those around you, thereby lowering their scores and helping the curve.
2. Stress reallocation. If finals are causing you too much stress, do something else that causes MORE stress. That will take the pressure off finals, and allow you to excel. Some ideas for more stressful activities include:
-Getting yourself or someone you know pregnant
-Filing for divorce
-Planning a heist. Preferably jewel or large bank related.
3. Dropping out. After all, what better way is there to deal with the stress of finals than not taking them? Next time finals rear their ugly head, simply drop out. Depending on how you reallocated your stress (see number 2), you could have plenty of funds with which to pay off your student loans.
As you can see, the stress from finals is not nearly as difficult to deal with as many would have you believe. Now that you have the knowledge of how to beat the anxiety, you’re on your way to a much happier life!
Now that finals are officially behind us, it’s a great time to look at some methods you could have used to cope with the stress they caused. Here’s a list of three stress-relieving tactics could have helped your test scores a lot, if only you’d had it sooner.
1. Heavy breathing. The merits of good breathing are always a focus in anxiety relief seminars, but it simply can’t be stressed enough. In fact, most advice-givers tell us only to take some deep breaths, when in fact, you should be panting like a pig in labor. Really HEAVE when you breathe. It not only helps with oxygen flow, it also serves to distract those around you, thereby lowering their scores and helping the curve.
2. Stress reallocation. If finals are causing you too much stress, do something else that causes MORE stress. That will take the pressure off finals, and allow you to excel. Some ideas for more stressful activities include:
-Getting yourself or someone you know pregnant
-Filing for divorce
-Planning a heist. Preferably jewel or large bank related.
3. Dropping out. After all, what better way is there to deal with the stress of finals than not taking them? Next time finals rear their ugly head, simply drop out. Depending on how you reallocated your stress (see number 2), you could have plenty of funds with which to pay off your student loans.
As you can see, the stress from finals is not nearly as difficult to deal with as many would have you believe. Now that you have the knowledge of how to beat the anxiety, you’re on your way to a much happier life!
iTunes Malfunction Causes Social Suicide
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
The wonders of technology turned into a terrible enemy for Bill Klassun on Tuesday, when his newly installed version of iTunes began playing a recently purchased copy of "Wannabe" by mid-90’s pop sensation the Spice Girls without warning in the middle of his Civil Procedure class.
"I can't explain it," he stated after the event, "I was sitting there taking notes about interpleader when my iTunes just started blaring music. It was probably one of the top three worst moments of my life.”
"I started panicking, I guess. I couldn’t find the right button to close the program, and the volume control for my stupid speakers wouldn’t work,” explained Klassun. "I've heard peoples' cell phones go off in class, but I never imagined anything like this would happen to me. It's a nightmare."
Klassun was forced to scoop up his laptop and leave class to stop causing the disturbance. While he remains hopeful that people will quickly forget the incident, reservations remain concerning going back to class.
“Everyone was looking at me. The prof even stopped talking. I’m sure people are calling me ‘The Music Man’ by now.”
The wonders of technology turned into a terrible enemy for Bill Klassun on Tuesday, when his newly installed version of iTunes began playing a recently purchased copy of "Wannabe" by mid-90’s pop sensation the Spice Girls without warning in the middle of his Civil Procedure class.
"I can't explain it," he stated after the event, "I was sitting there taking notes about interpleader when my iTunes just started blaring music. It was probably one of the top three worst moments of my life.”
"I started panicking, I guess. I couldn’t find the right button to close the program, and the volume control for my stupid speakers wouldn’t work,” explained Klassun. "I've heard peoples' cell phones go off in class, but I never imagined anything like this would happen to me. It's a nightmare."
Klassun was forced to scoop up his laptop and leave class to stop causing the disturbance. While he remains hopeful that people will quickly forget the incident, reservations remain concerning going back to class.
“Everyone was looking at me. The prof even stopped talking. I’m sure people are calling me ‘The Music Man’ by now.”
Current WRAP student looking forward to subtle gloating next year
J.P. Slatterly, The Stool
After completing a particularly arduous string citation for an assignment due next week in WRAP, 1L Chris Matthews told The Stool he couldn’t wait for next year to come.
“Oh yeah. I’ve got it all planned out,” said Matthews. “I’m going to hang out in the bookstore a couple of days before fall semester starts next year, and when I see someone pick up a WRAP manual I’m going to go up to them and say ‘Ooo, yeah. WRAP. Good luck with that.’ It’ll be awesome.”
After completing a particularly arduous string citation for an assignment due next week in WRAP, 1L Chris Matthews told The Stool he couldn’t wait for next year to come.
“Oh yeah. I’ve got it all planned out,” said Matthews. “I’m going to hang out in the bookstore a couple of days before fall semester starts next year, and when I see someone pick up a WRAP manual I’m going to go up to them and say ‘Ooo, yeah. WRAP. Good luck with that.’ It’ll be awesome.”
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Aging 1L distracted by young women
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
A dejected Herman Whitney, 56, recently attempted to explain his Fall '06 transcript.
"I go to class every day, but it’s really hard to pay attention to the professors," said Whitney. "I mean, have you seen what the girls are wearing these days? It's shameful!"
"This young woman, Amanda, sits in the front row – she can't be much older than 23. She was wearing a skirt that was so short that I could see almost all of her luscious, silky smooth legs. And then there's Katrina, whose shirt was so low-cut that it didn't leave anything to the imagination...her ample, milk-white bosom was right there in my face when I turned around, staring at me like the pillows of the gods..."
Fidgeting with his laptop case, Whitney suddenly became almost too addled to speak. "Anyway, shameful. Totally shameful. I've gotta go," he said.
A dejected Herman Whitney, 56, recently attempted to explain his Fall '06 transcript.
"I go to class every day, but it’s really hard to pay attention to the professors," said Whitney. "I mean, have you seen what the girls are wearing these days? It's shameful!"
"This young woman, Amanda, sits in the front row – she can't be much older than 23. She was wearing a skirt that was so short that I could see almost all of her luscious, silky smooth legs. And then there's Katrina, whose shirt was so low-cut that it didn't leave anything to the imagination...her ample, milk-white bosom was right there in my face when I turned around, staring at me like the pillows of the gods..."
Fidgeting with his laptop case, Whitney suddenly became almost too addled to speak. "Anyway, shameful. Totally shameful. I've gotta go," he said.
3L uses federal rules of evidence against wife
Robert Marley, The Stool
After returning home late Friday night, Rick Menderson was confronted by his angry wife, Kate, as he entered his Woodbury home. After asking where he had been, Rick replied that he had been studying. When Kate indicated that she had heard from a classmate of Rick’s that he had actually been at Billy’s for the evening, Rick turned to the Federal Rules of Evidence.
"It was clearly hearsay," stated Rick, "and was inadmissible. I didn't
find any sort of exception in my rulebook, either." According to Rick,
this tactic did not impress Kate, and he ended up retreating to the
bathroom, masturbating, then spending the night on the sofa.
After returning home late Friday night, Rick Menderson was confronted by his angry wife, Kate, as he entered his Woodbury home. After asking where he had been, Rick replied that he had been studying. When Kate indicated that she had heard from a classmate of Rick’s that he had actually been at Billy’s for the evening, Rick turned to the Federal Rules of Evidence.
"It was clearly hearsay," stated Rick, "and was inadmissible. I didn't
find any sort of exception in my rulebook, either." According to Rick,
this tactic did not impress Kate, and he ended up retreating to the
bathroom, masturbating, then spending the night on the sofa.
Student freaks self out while daydreaming
Hans Olo, The Stool
While his mind wandered during a particularly dry Professional Responsibility class, Kevin McKiernan became legitimately “freaked.”
“I was sitting there thinking about that Seinfeld where Kramer put a screen door on his apartment, when it just kind of hit me that I could stand up on the desk and start screaming at the top of my lungs at that exact moment, and no one would stop me. At least not for a while – eventually the security people would come. Then I started thinking about what everyone would do, and how I would be so humiliated afterwards I would probably have to transfer to some community college law school like Hamline,” said McKiernan.
Although this type of idle fantasy generation is common, most people are able to snap themselves back to reality when they need to, says psychologist Chris Newhouse. “It’s common to create the possibility of disturbing or self-destructive behavior in one’s mind from time to time. The ‘what if?’ factor can be fun to toy with for many people, but if this kind of thinking becomes obsessive it can lead to a very acute social anxiety disorder.”
For McKiernan, his thoughts of humiliating himself in front of a class full of people began to snowball. “I started to get actually freaked out that I was going to do it. I had to really concentrate on paying attention to the prof and taking good notes just to take my mind off of it. I forgot about it after a little while, but it was creepy there for a few seconds.”
While his mind wandered during a particularly dry Professional Responsibility class, Kevin McKiernan became legitimately “freaked.”
“I was sitting there thinking about that Seinfeld where Kramer put a screen door on his apartment, when it just kind of hit me that I could stand up on the desk and start screaming at the top of my lungs at that exact moment, and no one would stop me. At least not for a while – eventually the security people would come. Then I started thinking about what everyone would do, and how I would be so humiliated afterwards I would probably have to transfer to some community college law school like Hamline,” said McKiernan.
Although this type of idle fantasy generation is common, most people are able to snap themselves back to reality when they need to, says psychologist Chris Newhouse. “It’s common to create the possibility of disturbing or self-destructive behavior in one’s mind from time to time. The ‘what if?’ factor can be fun to toy with for many people, but if this kind of thinking becomes obsessive it can lead to a very acute social anxiety disorder.”
For McKiernan, his thoughts of humiliating himself in front of a class full of people began to snowball. “I started to get actually freaked out that I was going to do it. I had to really concentrate on paying attention to the prof and taking good notes just to take my mind off of it. I forgot about it after a little while, but it was creepy there for a few seconds.”
“Dropped off the twig” still slaying 1L students
Chuck Scoggins, The Stool
Hilarity ensued in a recent contracts class when Professor Heidenreich made a reference to Thomas Moore’s death.
“I had heard him say it before, but it always seems to get me,” Betsy Mahler said, referring to Heidenreich’s classic phrase. “Nothing is better than a little humor to brighten up a contracts class,” added Mahler.
The origins of the phrase are shrouded in mystery, but its effect on newly initiated students is not. “The first time I heard him say it, I chuckled,” another student told us on condition of anonymity. “Then it just got funnier for me every time I heard him say it afterwards. When he said it last week I had to excuse myself from class. In fact, I was laughing so hard I ended up [throwing up] in one of the plants outside the classroom. It was really embarrassing.”
As for the future of the phrase, it looks bright. “I plan on going out on top,” Heidenreich said. “’Drop off the twig’ has been very, very good to me, and after consulting with my management team we feel it still has legs. We won’t wait for it to lose effectiveness, though. At some point we’ll pull it and try some new things I’ve been tinkering with.”
Hilarity ensued in a recent contracts class when Professor Heidenreich made a reference to Thomas Moore’s death.
“I had heard him say it before, but it always seems to get me,” Betsy Mahler said, referring to Heidenreich’s classic phrase. “Nothing is better than a little humor to brighten up a contracts class,” added Mahler.
The origins of the phrase are shrouded in mystery, but its effect on newly initiated students is not. “The first time I heard him say it, I chuckled,” another student told us on condition of anonymity. “Then it just got funnier for me every time I heard him say it afterwards. When he said it last week I had to excuse myself from class. In fact, I was laughing so hard I ended up [throwing up] in one of the plants outside the classroom. It was really embarrassing.”
As for the future of the phrase, it looks bright. “I plan on going out on top,” Heidenreich said. “’Drop off the twig’ has been very, very good to me, and after consulting with my management team we feel it still has legs. We won’t wait for it to lose effectiveness, though. At some point we’ll pull it and try some new things I’ve been tinkering with.”
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