Security escort fails to inspire fear, confidence

Anna Hayes, The Stool

When 3L Denise Crosby arranged for a security escort last Wednesday night after class, the experience produced more anxiety than it prevented.

“Well, I don’t want to be mean, but it didn’t look like the security people were in the best shape,” Crosby told us. “I was more nervous about what would happen if we got jumped and he couldn’t run away than I was about what would happen to me.”

“He was doing some pretty heavy nose-whistle breathing by the time we got to my car, too,” added Crosby. “Maybe the school should give them Segways or something.”

Mitchell spokespeople insist that security personnel are held to a high standard. When asked what exactly that standard was, we were offered a scone and an assurance that any Stool staff’s application to “brown bag” with Dean Easley would be looked on “very, very favorably.”