Hans Olo, The Stool
A spirited debate about spring traps quickly escalated into fisticuffs between 1Ls Marissa Stutenberg and Leslie Camden during last Monday’s torts class. According to classmates, the girls had been at odds throughout the fledgling semester until things finally came to a head and the class’s textbooks sprang to life.
“They were going back and forth about the morality of spring traps,” said 1L Ryan Hatch, “when Marissa stood up and said ‘you’d shoot anyone wouldn’t you?’ Then Leslie stood up and said ‘I’d shoot you because you’re an ugly whore!’”
Witnesses describe what happened next as a short, but intense, fight that left both women bloodied.
“I couldn’t believe what was happening,” said 1L Elise McCullugh. “It was battery! Battery right there in class! Assault too! There was definitely imminent apprehension going on. Oh my god. It was incredible. I hope this becomes an exam question.”
The scrum was broken up by Mitchell security personnel, but not before Camden was tased as she frantically attempted to fight anyone within reach. “She was saying, ‘Don’t tase me bro!’” said one witness on condition of anonymity, “but they got her anyway. I’m glad – she’s a d-bag.”
Friday, September 28, 2007
Several injured after first annual Hachey Commons Rodeo
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
In a press conference Thursday morning, Acting Vice Dean Bill Remerson stated that the first annual Hachey Commons Rodeo “may not have been the best decision,” and the event planning committee “may have to make some changes … for next year’s event.”
The Hachey Commons Rodeo was the first event of its kind on any Law School campus in America, and was modeled after a similar event at Ricardo Montalban School of Law in Coahuila, Mexico. Unfortunately, William Mitchell’s version of the indoor, close-quarter rodeo did not go as planned.
During the very first bull ride, several waiting animals, including a bronco and two enraged bulls, got loose. Four students were injured by the flailing animals. Two vending machines and several tables were also destroyed before the animals were finally restrained.
Because of the catastrophe, plans for other William Mitchell Fall Events, such as the Whal Center Joust and the Burger Library Chainsaw Art Competition, have been put on hold indefinitely.
In a press conference Thursday morning, Acting Vice Dean Bill Remerson stated that the first annual Hachey Commons Rodeo “may not have been the best decision,” and the event planning committee “may have to make some changes … for next year’s event.”
The Hachey Commons Rodeo was the first event of its kind on any Law School campus in America, and was modeled after a similar event at Ricardo Montalban School of Law in Coahuila, Mexico. Unfortunately, William Mitchell’s version of the indoor, close-quarter rodeo did not go as planned.
During the very first bull ride, several waiting animals, including a bronco and two enraged bulls, got loose. Four students were injured by the flailing animals. Two vending machines and several tables were also destroyed before the animals were finally restrained.
Because of the catastrophe, plans for other William Mitchell Fall Events, such as the Whal Center Joust and the Burger Library Chainsaw Art Competition, have been put on hold indefinitely.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Wheeled, handled bags becoming campus-wide annoyance
Hans Olo, The Stool
An increasingly popular and annoying type of bag – the two-wheeled, retractable handle sort ubiquitous to airports around the world, has been drawing the ire of many in the Mitchell community. Students who simply cannot find the strength to haul the five to eight pounds of combined book and laptop weight in a traditional backpack or messenger bag often turn to this scourge of hallways and classrooms for relief.
“I can’t stand those ridiculous things,” said part-time 4L Lane Harrison. “Yesterday at around 5:25 when the stairs were pretty full of people going to and from class, everyone had to wait for some asswipe to stop at the top of the stairs, retract the handle on their little bag, pick it up, walk down the stairs, then at the bottom, stop, set it down, fumble with the handle to re-extend it, then finally start walking again. Just use a backpack you moron! It’s not THAT far of a walk to your car.”
Harrison’s frustration is typical of many Mitchell students. 2L Sharon Jarvais shared what she thinks is one possible solution. “Just tell them to get the fuck out of the stairwells when they’re dicking around with their little handles. I know it’s really tiring carrying your bag around, but come on. Luckily there are portable defibrillators close if you have a stress-induced heart attack.”
An increasingly popular and annoying type of bag – the two-wheeled, retractable handle sort ubiquitous to airports around the world, has been drawing the ire of many in the Mitchell community. Students who simply cannot find the strength to haul the five to eight pounds of combined book and laptop weight in a traditional backpack or messenger bag often turn to this scourge of hallways and classrooms for relief.
“I can’t stand those ridiculous things,” said part-time 4L Lane Harrison. “Yesterday at around 5:25 when the stairs were pretty full of people going to and from class, everyone had to wait for some asswipe to stop at the top of the stairs, retract the handle on their little bag, pick it up, walk down the stairs, then at the bottom, stop, set it down, fumble with the handle to re-extend it, then finally start walking again. Just use a backpack you moron! It’s not THAT far of a walk to your car.”
Harrison’s frustration is typical of many Mitchell students. 2L Sharon Jarvais shared what she thinks is one possible solution. “Just tell them to get the fuck out of the stairwells when they’re dicking around with their little handles. I know it’s really tiring carrying your bag around, but come on. Luckily there are portable defibrillators close if you have a stress-induced heart attack.”
Professor Dayton: “Elder Law is my bitch”
Frank Herrbert, The Stool
A normally sedate and proper Professor Dayton was witnessed blowing off a little steam at Billy’s on Thursday night. “She was obviously feeling pretty good,” said 3L Florence Hunt. “She was with a few people, and was doing a lot of yelling. I couldn’t hear what she said, but she was obviously happy because she was toasting her table every 15 seconds and laughing.”
1L Mark Haeine was seated in a booth adjacent to Dayton’s. “She was definitely doing all the talking,” said Haeine. “At one point she said, ‘That’s right, I said it – elder law is my bitch! No one fucks with my bitch! It’s mine! I own it!’ Then she tried to toast her group, but they looked pretty shocked and weren’t acting fast enough or something, so she just hit her glass against theirs on the table. Then she goes, ‘It’s a toast, sluts! Get happy!”
Professor Dayton was not available for comment at the time of this writing.
A normally sedate and proper Professor Dayton was witnessed blowing off a little steam at Billy’s on Thursday night. “She was obviously feeling pretty good,” said 3L Florence Hunt. “She was with a few people, and was doing a lot of yelling. I couldn’t hear what she said, but she was obviously happy because she was toasting her table every 15 seconds and laughing.”
1L Mark Haeine was seated in a booth adjacent to Dayton’s. “She was definitely doing all the talking,” said Haeine. “At one point she said, ‘That’s right, I said it – elder law is my bitch! No one fucks with my bitch! It’s mine! I own it!’ Then she tried to toast her group, but they looked pretty shocked and weren’t acting fast enough or something, so she just hit her glass against theirs on the table. Then she goes, ‘It’s a toast, sluts! Get happy!”
Professor Dayton was not available for comment at the time of this writing.
Monday, September 17, 2007
3L hopes family law will help him get revenge on his dirty whore of a wife
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
When students were asked by their professor why they had chosen to enroll in the Family Law course at the beginning of the semester, answers were varied. Most said they were planning on going into Family Law, or wanted to broaden their learning perspective. 3L Larry Black had a more unique reason: Revenge.
When it came his time to share, Black stood proudly and stated, "I’m here to get revenge on my knob-gobbler wife." After the stunned silence that followed his answer, Black felt compelled to elaborate. "Well I don't want to kill her or anything," he said, "I just want to ruin her. She ran off with her boss and left me with two asshole kids. She's a dirty, dirty tramp. I think this class will help me break her."
The professor politely thanked Black as his classmates focused determinedly on the desks in front of them. Black sat down after muttering, "So that's why I took this class."
When students were asked by their professor why they had chosen to enroll in the Family Law course at the beginning of the semester, answers were varied. Most said they were planning on going into Family Law, or wanted to broaden their learning perspective. 3L Larry Black had a more unique reason: Revenge.
When it came his time to share, Black stood proudly and stated, "I’m here to get revenge on my knob-gobbler wife." After the stunned silence that followed his answer, Black felt compelled to elaborate. "Well I don't want to kill her or anything," he said, "I just want to ruin her. She ran off with her boss and left me with two asshole kids. She's a dirty, dirty tramp. I think this class will help me break her."
The professor politely thanked Black as his classmates focused determinedly on the desks in front of them. Black sat down after muttering, "So that's why I took this class."
Artist amazed that painting is still hanging
Bennett Taylor, The Stool
Struggling St. Paul artist Sam Shandmire has had a considerable amount of trouble displaying his work. The self-proclaimed "Expert Portrait Painter" has been rejected by nearly every art gallery in the metro area, but his determination to be recognized has led him to seek alternative means of presenting his work to the public.
"I've been trying to display this painting since 1996," said Shandmire. "It's a portrait of my mother. None of the galleries would touch it, but you can easily see the quality of the work." Shandmire had given up on the painting until a friend accidentally gave him inspiration. "He said that my mom looked really stately in the portrait," commented Shandmire, "like a president or a judge. That's what gave me the idea,"
Shandmire followed his gut and hung the portrait on the first floor of William Mitchell College of Law. "The crazy thing is, no one has taken it down," said Shandmire. "I hung the thing up a month ago, and people just automatically assume that it belongs there. I mean, I'm sure that there are some people who wonder who it's a painting of, but I think it's fantastic that it's still there."
Struggling St. Paul artist Sam Shandmire has had a considerable amount of trouble displaying his work. The self-proclaimed "Expert Portrait Painter" has been rejected by nearly every art gallery in the metro area, but his determination to be recognized has led him to seek alternative means of presenting his work to the public.
"I've been trying to display this painting since 1996," said Shandmire. "It's a portrait of my mother. None of the galleries would touch it, but you can easily see the quality of the work." Shandmire had given up on the painting until a friend accidentally gave him inspiration. "He said that my mom looked really stately in the portrait," commented Shandmire, "like a president or a judge. That's what gave me the idea,"
Shandmire followed his gut and hung the portrait on the first floor of William Mitchell College of Law. "The crazy thing is, no one has taken it down," said Shandmire. "I hung the thing up a month ago, and people just automatically assume that it belongs there. I mean, I'm sure that there are some people who wonder who it's a painting of, but I think it's fantastic that it's still there."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Ex-Dean Easley comes clean
Hans Olo, The Stool
Controversy took center stage as the school year began a few weeks ago when Dean Easley unexpectedly and abruptly resigned his post as the top official at William Mitchell. Now, for the first time since his meteoric rise and precipitous fall, Easley tells all in an exclusive one-on-one interview with The Stool.
“First, let me start off by saying I’ve always been a big fan of The Stool,” said Easely. “I think you could tone down the male genitalia-related content, but overall it’s very good. Anyway, I want the students at William Mitchell to know I hold them in the highest regard, and because of this, I feel they have the right to know why their dean has left. I have been presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to help a family in need, while simultaneously realizing a significant profit for myself.”
“Two months ago, I received an unsolicited yet heartfelt email from a man in Ghana whose family was fleeing the country, and desperately needed to relocate a very large sum of money into a western bank account. How he found me, I’m not sure. I assume my international reputation as an honest and dependable person was known to Mr. Mugambogo – my contact’s solicitor in Ghana.”
“After months of calls, emails, and rather large bank service fees I was obliged to pay to my contact’s bank minister via Western Union, I am now poised to receive the extremely large monetary reward promised to me. Tomorrow I leave for Accra to sign the final papers with my new business associate, and will no longer need to work upon returning home. I would like to wish everyone the very best of luck in their legal endeavors, and ask that no one contact me for loans or handouts.”
Easley then escorted us to a newly remodeled bathroom in his house featuring a toilet made of 14K gold. “This little baby is worth chump change next to what I’m about to get. I have orders in for three more!” he told us.
Controversy took center stage as the school year began a few weeks ago when Dean Easley unexpectedly and abruptly resigned his post as the top official at William Mitchell. Now, for the first time since his meteoric rise and precipitous fall, Easley tells all in an exclusive one-on-one interview with The Stool.
“First, let me start off by saying I’ve always been a big fan of The Stool,” said Easely. “I think you could tone down the male genitalia-related content, but overall it’s very good. Anyway, I want the students at William Mitchell to know I hold them in the highest regard, and because of this, I feel they have the right to know why their dean has left. I have been presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to help a family in need, while simultaneously realizing a significant profit for myself.”
“Two months ago, I received an unsolicited yet heartfelt email from a man in Ghana whose family was fleeing the country, and desperately needed to relocate a very large sum of money into a western bank account. How he found me, I’m not sure. I assume my international reputation as an honest and dependable person was known to Mr. Mugambogo – my contact’s solicitor in Ghana.”
“After months of calls, emails, and rather large bank service fees I was obliged to pay to my contact’s bank minister via Western Union, I am now poised to receive the extremely large monetary reward promised to me. Tomorrow I leave for Accra to sign the final papers with my new business associate, and will no longer need to work upon returning home. I would like to wish everyone the very best of luck in their legal endeavors, and ask that no one contact me for loans or handouts.”
Easley then escorted us to a newly remodeled bathroom in his house featuring a toilet made of 14K gold. “This little baby is worth chump change next to what I’m about to get. I have orders in for three more!” he told us.
Construction plans coincide perfectly with Mitchell’s parking needs
Tabatha Ikens, The Stool
After a summer’s worth of empty parking lots, Mitchell operations officials have decided to remodel something or other and close off the rear lot completely until 5:30.
“We thought it would be best to [start a construction project] now, rather than during the summer to give students and faculty a unique opportunity to strengthen the school’s community,” said Rod Fausto, a Mitchell operations manager. “We will not be offering money back on the $50 parking permit, however. Since we’ve cut possible parking spots by half, your permit essentially will be worth double should you find a spot.”
The Stool encourages students with questions or concerns to eat a large lunch at any Mexican restaurant, find Fausto’s office, enter it when he’s not there, and leave a Cleveland Steamer on his keyboard. If this sounds unappealing, please take a picture of a turd and email it to Mr. Fausto.
After a summer’s worth of empty parking lots, Mitchell operations officials have decided to remodel something or other and close off the rear lot completely until 5:30.
“We thought it would be best to [start a construction project] now, rather than during the summer to give students and faculty a unique opportunity to strengthen the school’s community,” said Rod Fausto, a Mitchell operations manager. “We will not be offering money back on the $50 parking permit, however. Since we’ve cut possible parking spots by half, your permit essentially will be worth double should you find a spot.”
The Stool encourages students with questions or concerns to eat a large lunch at any Mexican restaurant, find Fausto’s office, enter it when he’s not there, and leave a Cleveland Steamer on his keyboard. If this sounds unappealing, please take a picture of a turd and email it to Mr. Fausto.
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