Ray Talleyho, The Stool
Several students were shocked on Wednesday when William Mitchell announced a new policy against “talking like a shithead.” The policy, according to the William Mitchell website, expressly forbids three different types of speech: Using large words in an attempt to sound smarter than one actually is, using words of which one does not know the meaning, and asking idiotically unrelated questions at the end of class.
According to the language of the policy, any student who fails to adhere to the policy may either be ejected from class or be “subjected to rigorous humiliation” by the professor.
One professor, who chose to remain anonymous, expressed his approval for the new policy. “I really look forward to humiliating students,” he stated. “I’ve done so for my entire career, and I’ll continue to do so until I retire. Having school policy that backs me up makes it even more fun, though.”
Some students, however, had different views. “The policy seems odious, onerous, and crumblesome, if you ask me,” said Brady Thessaris, a 1L. “It really behooves me. I’m feeling quite cognizant right now, and will be expressing grievances.”
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Law School newspaper proud of biennial publication
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
Writers for a local school newspaper, The William Mitchell Estimation, were extremely impressed at their ability to publish one issue every two years. The newspaper released its third issue in six years on Tuesday.
“It’s really awesome. Really, really awesome,” said spokesperson Kim Simmons. “This whole intarwebb [sic] thing has made things really awesome for us. We can really, really show people all of the issues now, which is totally awesome. Now law students can see as many as two issues during the time they’re in school! Isn’t that unreal?”
A written statement from Barry Slightstone, the Estimation’s editor-in-chief, read: “We arr so prowd too be giveeng the studints thiss payper. Hope fully wee can kontinu to brieng exhalent noos to you all.”
Writers for a local school newspaper, The William Mitchell Estimation, were extremely impressed at their ability to publish one issue every two years. The newspaper released its third issue in six years on Tuesday.
“It’s really awesome. Really, really awesome,” said spokesperson Kim Simmons. “This whole intarwebb [sic] thing has made things really awesome for us. We can really, really show people all of the issues now, which is totally awesome. Now law students can see as many as two issues during the time they’re in school! Isn’t that unreal?”
A written statement from Barry Slightstone, the Estimation’s editor-in-chief, read: “We arr so prowd too be giveeng the studints thiss payper. Hope fully wee can kontinu to brieng exhalent noos to you all.”
Security escort fails to inspire fear, confidence
Anna Hayes, The Stool
When 3L Denise Crosby arranged for a security escort last Wednesday night after class, the experience produced more anxiety than it prevented.
“Well, I don’t want to be mean, but it didn’t look like the security people were in the best shape,” Crosby told us. “I was more nervous about what would happen if we got jumped and he couldn’t run away than I was about what would happen to me.”
“He was doing some pretty heavy nose-whistle breathing by the time we got to my car, too,” added Crosby. “Maybe the school should give them Segways or something.”
Mitchell spokespeople insist that security personnel are held to a high standard. When asked what exactly that standard was, we were offered a scone and an assurance that any Stool staff’s application to “brown bag” with Dean Easley would be looked on “very, very favorably.”
When 3L Denise Crosby arranged for a security escort last Wednesday night after class, the experience produced more anxiety than it prevented.
“Well, I don’t want to be mean, but it didn’t look like the security people were in the best shape,” Crosby told us. “I was more nervous about what would happen if we got jumped and he couldn’t run away than I was about what would happen to me.”
“He was doing some pretty heavy nose-whistle breathing by the time we got to my car, too,” added Crosby. “Maybe the school should give them Segways or something.”
Mitchell spokespeople insist that security personnel are held to a high standard. When asked what exactly that standard was, we were offered a scone and an assurance that any Stool staff’s application to “brown bag” with Dean Easley would be looked on “very, very favorably.”
Frustrated novelist accepts professorship, looking forward to the facts section of exams
Hans Olo, The Stool
While an utter failure in the field of literature, newly anointed Estates and Trusts professor Mark Brown has big plans for his upcoming exams.
“It’s all about character development,” explained Brown. “If your reader doesn’t care about the people they’re following, you’ve lost them. I hope my students will want to answer the questions correctly not just for themselves, but for the people they’re reading about, too.”
Brown’s current draft of this year’s spring exam boasts three separate fact sections totaling 32 pages.
“That’s fucking absurd,” one student told us on condition of anonymity. “If there are 32 pages of facts I’ll just wipe my ass with the answer sections and turn it in.”
While an utter failure in the field of literature, newly anointed Estates and Trusts professor Mark Brown has big plans for his upcoming exams.
“It’s all about character development,” explained Brown. “If your reader doesn’t care about the people they’re following, you’ve lost them. I hope my students will want to answer the questions correctly not just for themselves, but for the people they’re reading about, too.”
Brown’s current draft of this year’s spring exam boasts three separate fact sections totaling 32 pages.
“That’s fucking absurd,” one student told us on condition of anonymity. “If there are 32 pages of facts I’ll just wipe my ass with the answer sections and turn it in.”
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Top college recruit red-shirted at Mitchell
Hans Olo, The Stool
Following an intensive and successful recruiting season, senior professors and administration have announced their decision to redshirt incoming 1L Jeremy Timms next year to prolong his law school eligibility. “I’m thrilled to be attending a law school with such a long and distinguished history,” said Timms. “I know the profs have my best interests in mind.”
The move comes as a shock to some students currently on moot court – an area in which Timms has expressed an early interest. “From what I’ve heard, Jeremy could really help us out next year – but if that’s how it’s going to be, then we’ll adapt,” said 3L Dwight Mason.
“Jeremy is a recruit we can’t afford to rush through the normal academic method,” Dean Easley told us. “When you have that much raw talent, it’s a good idea to take things slow as the maturing process sets in.”
Certain William Mitchell faculty are excited to have the dynamic Timms in their classes, pointing to a whopping 179 LSAT score and an exceptional entrance essay. Others seem willing to wait for their crack at the recruit. “I don’t give a shit what they do as long as he pays his tuition,” said Professor Michael Jordan. “If my checks start bouncing, then I’ll have an opinion.”
Following an intensive and successful recruiting season, senior professors and administration have announced their decision to redshirt incoming 1L Jeremy Timms next year to prolong his law school eligibility. “I’m thrilled to be attending a law school with such a long and distinguished history,” said Timms. “I know the profs have my best interests in mind.”
The move comes as a shock to some students currently on moot court – an area in which Timms has expressed an early interest. “From what I’ve heard, Jeremy could really help us out next year – but if that’s how it’s going to be, then we’ll adapt,” said 3L Dwight Mason.
“Jeremy is a recruit we can’t afford to rush through the normal academic method,” Dean Easley told us. “When you have that much raw talent, it’s a good idea to take things slow as the maturing process sets in.”
Certain William Mitchell faculty are excited to have the dynamic Timms in their classes, pointing to a whopping 179 LSAT score and an exceptional entrance essay. Others seem willing to wait for their crack at the recruit. “I don’t give a shit what they do as long as he pays his tuition,” said Professor Michael Jordan. “If my checks start bouncing, then I’ll have an opinion.”
Coping with Test Anxiety
Henrietta Winkler, Student Intern, The Stool
Now that finals are officially behind us, it’s a great time to look at some methods you could have used to cope with the stress they caused. Here’s a list of three stress-relieving tactics could have helped your test scores a lot, if only you’d had it sooner.
1. Heavy breathing. The merits of good breathing are always a focus in anxiety relief seminars, but it simply can’t be stressed enough. In fact, most advice-givers tell us only to take some deep breaths, when in fact, you should be panting like a pig in labor. Really HEAVE when you breathe. It not only helps with oxygen flow, it also serves to distract those around you, thereby lowering their scores and helping the curve.
2. Stress reallocation. If finals are causing you too much stress, do something else that causes MORE stress. That will take the pressure off finals, and allow you to excel. Some ideas for more stressful activities include:
-Getting yourself or someone you know pregnant
-Filing for divorce
-Planning a heist. Preferably jewel or large bank related.
3. Dropping out. After all, what better way is there to deal with the stress of finals than not taking them? Next time finals rear their ugly head, simply drop out. Depending on how you reallocated your stress (see number 2), you could have plenty of funds with which to pay off your student loans.
As you can see, the stress from finals is not nearly as difficult to deal with as many would have you believe. Now that you have the knowledge of how to beat the anxiety, you’re on your way to a much happier life!
Now that finals are officially behind us, it’s a great time to look at some methods you could have used to cope with the stress they caused. Here’s a list of three stress-relieving tactics could have helped your test scores a lot, if only you’d had it sooner.
1. Heavy breathing. The merits of good breathing are always a focus in anxiety relief seminars, but it simply can’t be stressed enough. In fact, most advice-givers tell us only to take some deep breaths, when in fact, you should be panting like a pig in labor. Really HEAVE when you breathe. It not only helps with oxygen flow, it also serves to distract those around you, thereby lowering their scores and helping the curve.
2. Stress reallocation. If finals are causing you too much stress, do something else that causes MORE stress. That will take the pressure off finals, and allow you to excel. Some ideas for more stressful activities include:
-Getting yourself or someone you know pregnant
-Filing for divorce
-Planning a heist. Preferably jewel or large bank related.
3. Dropping out. After all, what better way is there to deal with the stress of finals than not taking them? Next time finals rear their ugly head, simply drop out. Depending on how you reallocated your stress (see number 2), you could have plenty of funds with which to pay off your student loans.
As you can see, the stress from finals is not nearly as difficult to deal with as many would have you believe. Now that you have the knowledge of how to beat the anxiety, you’re on your way to a much happier life!
iTunes Malfunction Causes Social Suicide
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
The wonders of technology turned into a terrible enemy for Bill Klassun on Tuesday, when his newly installed version of iTunes began playing a recently purchased copy of "Wannabe" by mid-90’s pop sensation the Spice Girls without warning in the middle of his Civil Procedure class.
"I can't explain it," he stated after the event, "I was sitting there taking notes about interpleader when my iTunes just started blaring music. It was probably one of the top three worst moments of my life.”
"I started panicking, I guess. I couldn’t find the right button to close the program, and the volume control for my stupid speakers wouldn’t work,” explained Klassun. "I've heard peoples' cell phones go off in class, but I never imagined anything like this would happen to me. It's a nightmare."
Klassun was forced to scoop up his laptop and leave class to stop causing the disturbance. While he remains hopeful that people will quickly forget the incident, reservations remain concerning going back to class.
“Everyone was looking at me. The prof even stopped talking. I’m sure people are calling me ‘The Music Man’ by now.”
The wonders of technology turned into a terrible enemy for Bill Klassun on Tuesday, when his newly installed version of iTunes began playing a recently purchased copy of "Wannabe" by mid-90’s pop sensation the Spice Girls without warning in the middle of his Civil Procedure class.
"I can't explain it," he stated after the event, "I was sitting there taking notes about interpleader when my iTunes just started blaring music. It was probably one of the top three worst moments of my life.”
"I started panicking, I guess. I couldn’t find the right button to close the program, and the volume control for my stupid speakers wouldn’t work,” explained Klassun. "I've heard peoples' cell phones go off in class, but I never imagined anything like this would happen to me. It's a nightmare."
Klassun was forced to scoop up his laptop and leave class to stop causing the disturbance. While he remains hopeful that people will quickly forget the incident, reservations remain concerning going back to class.
“Everyone was looking at me. The prof even stopped talking. I’m sure people are calling me ‘The Music Man’ by now.”
Current WRAP student looking forward to subtle gloating next year
J.P. Slatterly, The Stool
After completing a particularly arduous string citation for an assignment due next week in WRAP, 1L Chris Matthews told The Stool he couldn’t wait for next year to come.
“Oh yeah. I’ve got it all planned out,” said Matthews. “I’m going to hang out in the bookstore a couple of days before fall semester starts next year, and when I see someone pick up a WRAP manual I’m going to go up to them and say ‘Ooo, yeah. WRAP. Good luck with that.’ It’ll be awesome.”
After completing a particularly arduous string citation for an assignment due next week in WRAP, 1L Chris Matthews told The Stool he couldn’t wait for next year to come.
“Oh yeah. I’ve got it all planned out,” said Matthews. “I’m going to hang out in the bookstore a couple of days before fall semester starts next year, and when I see someone pick up a WRAP manual I’m going to go up to them and say ‘Ooo, yeah. WRAP. Good luck with that.’ It’ll be awesome.”
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Aging 1L distracted by young women
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
A dejected Herman Whitney, 56, recently attempted to explain his Fall '06 transcript.
"I go to class every day, but it’s really hard to pay attention to the professors," said Whitney. "I mean, have you seen what the girls are wearing these days? It's shameful!"
"This young woman, Amanda, sits in the front row – she can't be much older than 23. She was wearing a skirt that was so short that I could see almost all of her luscious, silky smooth legs. And then there's Katrina, whose shirt was so low-cut that it didn't leave anything to the imagination...her ample, milk-white bosom was right there in my face when I turned around, staring at me like the pillows of the gods..."
Fidgeting with his laptop case, Whitney suddenly became almost too addled to speak. "Anyway, shameful. Totally shameful. I've gotta go," he said.
A dejected Herman Whitney, 56, recently attempted to explain his Fall '06 transcript.
"I go to class every day, but it’s really hard to pay attention to the professors," said Whitney. "I mean, have you seen what the girls are wearing these days? It's shameful!"
"This young woman, Amanda, sits in the front row – she can't be much older than 23. She was wearing a skirt that was so short that I could see almost all of her luscious, silky smooth legs. And then there's Katrina, whose shirt was so low-cut that it didn't leave anything to the imagination...her ample, milk-white bosom was right there in my face when I turned around, staring at me like the pillows of the gods..."
Fidgeting with his laptop case, Whitney suddenly became almost too addled to speak. "Anyway, shameful. Totally shameful. I've gotta go," he said.
3L uses federal rules of evidence against wife
Robert Marley, The Stool
After returning home late Friday night, Rick Menderson was confronted by his angry wife, Kate, as he entered his Woodbury home. After asking where he had been, Rick replied that he had been studying. When Kate indicated that she had heard from a classmate of Rick’s that he had actually been at Billy’s for the evening, Rick turned to the Federal Rules of Evidence.
"It was clearly hearsay," stated Rick, "and was inadmissible. I didn't
find any sort of exception in my rulebook, either." According to Rick,
this tactic did not impress Kate, and he ended up retreating to the
bathroom, masturbating, then spending the night on the sofa.
After returning home late Friday night, Rick Menderson was confronted by his angry wife, Kate, as he entered his Woodbury home. After asking where he had been, Rick replied that he had been studying. When Kate indicated that she had heard from a classmate of Rick’s that he had actually been at Billy’s for the evening, Rick turned to the Federal Rules of Evidence.
"It was clearly hearsay," stated Rick, "and was inadmissible. I didn't
find any sort of exception in my rulebook, either." According to Rick,
this tactic did not impress Kate, and he ended up retreating to the
bathroom, masturbating, then spending the night on the sofa.
Student freaks self out while daydreaming
Hans Olo, The Stool
While his mind wandered during a particularly dry Professional Responsibility class, Kevin McKiernan became legitimately “freaked.”
“I was sitting there thinking about that Seinfeld where Kramer put a screen door on his apartment, when it just kind of hit me that I could stand up on the desk and start screaming at the top of my lungs at that exact moment, and no one would stop me. At least not for a while – eventually the security people would come. Then I started thinking about what everyone would do, and how I would be so humiliated afterwards I would probably have to transfer to some community college law school like Hamline,” said McKiernan.
Although this type of idle fantasy generation is common, most people are able to snap themselves back to reality when they need to, says psychologist Chris Newhouse. “It’s common to create the possibility of disturbing or self-destructive behavior in one’s mind from time to time. The ‘what if?’ factor can be fun to toy with for many people, but if this kind of thinking becomes obsessive it can lead to a very acute social anxiety disorder.”
For McKiernan, his thoughts of humiliating himself in front of a class full of people began to snowball. “I started to get actually freaked out that I was going to do it. I had to really concentrate on paying attention to the prof and taking good notes just to take my mind off of it. I forgot about it after a little while, but it was creepy there for a few seconds.”
While his mind wandered during a particularly dry Professional Responsibility class, Kevin McKiernan became legitimately “freaked.”
“I was sitting there thinking about that Seinfeld where Kramer put a screen door on his apartment, when it just kind of hit me that I could stand up on the desk and start screaming at the top of my lungs at that exact moment, and no one would stop me. At least not for a while – eventually the security people would come. Then I started thinking about what everyone would do, and how I would be so humiliated afterwards I would probably have to transfer to some community college law school like Hamline,” said McKiernan.
Although this type of idle fantasy generation is common, most people are able to snap themselves back to reality when they need to, says psychologist Chris Newhouse. “It’s common to create the possibility of disturbing or self-destructive behavior in one’s mind from time to time. The ‘what if?’ factor can be fun to toy with for many people, but if this kind of thinking becomes obsessive it can lead to a very acute social anxiety disorder.”
For McKiernan, his thoughts of humiliating himself in front of a class full of people began to snowball. “I started to get actually freaked out that I was going to do it. I had to really concentrate on paying attention to the prof and taking good notes just to take my mind off of it. I forgot about it after a little while, but it was creepy there for a few seconds.”
“Dropped off the twig” still slaying 1L students
Chuck Scoggins, The Stool
Hilarity ensued in a recent contracts class when Professor Heidenreich made a reference to Thomas Moore’s death.
“I had heard him say it before, but it always seems to get me,” Betsy Mahler said, referring to Heidenreich’s classic phrase. “Nothing is better than a little humor to brighten up a contracts class,” added Mahler.
The origins of the phrase are shrouded in mystery, but its effect on newly initiated students is not. “The first time I heard him say it, I chuckled,” another student told us on condition of anonymity. “Then it just got funnier for me every time I heard him say it afterwards. When he said it last week I had to excuse myself from class. In fact, I was laughing so hard I ended up [throwing up] in one of the plants outside the classroom. It was really embarrassing.”
As for the future of the phrase, it looks bright. “I plan on going out on top,” Heidenreich said. “’Drop off the twig’ has been very, very good to me, and after consulting with my management team we feel it still has legs. We won’t wait for it to lose effectiveness, though. At some point we’ll pull it and try some new things I’ve been tinkering with.”
Hilarity ensued in a recent contracts class when Professor Heidenreich made a reference to Thomas Moore’s death.
“I had heard him say it before, but it always seems to get me,” Betsy Mahler said, referring to Heidenreich’s classic phrase. “Nothing is better than a little humor to brighten up a contracts class,” added Mahler.
The origins of the phrase are shrouded in mystery, but its effect on newly initiated students is not. “The first time I heard him say it, I chuckled,” another student told us on condition of anonymity. “Then it just got funnier for me every time I heard him say it afterwards. When he said it last week I had to excuse myself from class. In fact, I was laughing so hard I ended up [throwing up] in one of the plants outside the classroom. It was really embarrassing.”
As for the future of the phrase, it looks bright. “I plan on going out on top,” Heidenreich said. “’Drop off the twig’ has been very, very good to me, and after consulting with my management team we feel it still has legs. We won’t wait for it to lose effectiveness, though. At some point we’ll pull it and try some new things I’ve been tinkering with.”
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