Franz Pincer, The Stool
According to school sources last week, Students in Lester Dong’s online insurance class reported being in agreement that, as adjuncts go, he’s pretty douchy.
The alleged douchiness surpasses the usual Professorial arrogance, spitefulness, stodgy refusal to refrain from taking attendance and the ilk. For students in Dong’s domain, the douche-factor is “pretty high” according to sources.
“I think he just makes shit up as he goes along.” Said 2L Bryan Fligg, adding “it doesn’t even make sense like, half the time! He just showboats and talks about his fat neck. It’s fucking retarded.”
Complaints of other douchy adjuncts are common among students during the school year, but the best ones tend to come out during exams, as noted by school reports.
4L Jenessa Green was reported ranting for close to an hour in Hachey about her corporations adjunct. “I think this bitch seriously expects us to become total experts in engineering to answer a multiple choice hypothetical on fucking ethics! What?! Where am I?”
While informal surveys continue to churn out reports of “kinda douchy” to “complete doucheface”, the WMCL online auto-generated surveys show record acclaim for the Mitchell Mix of faculty, staff, and adjuncts
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Symplicity perplexes
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
Symplicity perplexes
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
2L "wins," spazzes out
Franz Pincer, The Stool
After sweating out three full semesters of law school, 2L Les Grueber was amazed Tuesday to discover he had won. Grueber was astonished by his good fortune after picking up a particularly fit con law exam, noting his almost bragable A- grade complete with plucky commentary.
“I am completely freaking out,” Grueber gushed, “Jordan actually wrote me a note; it said ‘that’s the bugaboo’! I have no idea what that means, but now I know, you know? I mean I get it!! All this time I totally thought I couldn’t win! Woo Hoooo!!!!”
It has been speculated that a near perfect grasp of the dormant commerce clause in question two of the Powers final is what really solidified the win for Grueber, who has been spotted feeling unduly satisfied in Hachey to the irritation of fellow Hachey occupants.
Most other members of the Con Law section 4 class didn’t win. “That exam was the worst experience of my life,” Lamented classmate Keesha Riley, who added “Why does [the professor] hate us? He totally ruined Christmas!” before pounding several jager shots. She then threw up on herself.
When asked about the alleged “win,” 3L onlookers were unimpressed. Most noted that the uninvited ass-pounding one experiences during exams can take its toll, but once your soul has been destroyed by WRAP, there really aren’t any surprises anymore.
“Yeah, I wanted to beat the revelry right off that idiot’s fat head.” Said 3L Pete Schack. “But then I realized he is taking Advocacy which…should pretty much take care of things. Professor Knapp and his adjuncts will put a repeated smack down on that boastful fuckstain any day now.
After sweating out three full semesters of law school, 2L Les Grueber was amazed Tuesday to discover he had won. Grueber was astonished by his good fortune after picking up a particularly fit con law exam, noting his almost bragable A- grade complete with plucky commentary.
“I am completely freaking out,” Grueber gushed, “Jordan actually wrote me a note; it said ‘that’s the bugaboo’! I have no idea what that means, but now I know, you know? I mean I get it!! All this time I totally thought I couldn’t win! Woo Hoooo!!!!”
It has been speculated that a near perfect grasp of the dormant commerce clause in question two of the Powers final is what really solidified the win for Grueber, who has been spotted feeling unduly satisfied in Hachey to the irritation of fellow Hachey occupants.
Most other members of the Con Law section 4 class didn’t win. “That exam was the worst experience of my life,” Lamented classmate Keesha Riley, who added “Why does [the professor] hate us? He totally ruined Christmas!” before pounding several jager shots. She then threw up on herself.
When asked about the alleged “win,” 3L onlookers were unimpressed. Most noted that the uninvited ass-pounding one experiences during exams can take its toll, but once your soul has been destroyed by WRAP, there really aren’t any surprises anymore.
“Yeah, I wanted to beat the revelry right off that idiot’s fat head.” Said 3L Pete Schack. “But then I realized he is taking Advocacy which…should pretty much take care of things. Professor Knapp and his adjuncts will put a repeated smack down on that boastful fuckstain any day now.
3L Off the Chili
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Billy Numack is officially off the cafeteria chili. “That pot of stank really did a number on my GI. Five semesters of consuming that molten gutrot and I practically need a colostomy bag! It literally ripped me a new asshole!” Numack complained Thursday.
Forced to endure a strict regimen of Diet Coke and Saltine crackers, Numack is one of many victims of cafeteria poisoning known locally as “Crapeteritis”. Not to be confused with actual poisoning, Crapeteritis is a rare digestive disorder resulting from repeated ingestion of highly delicious but only semi-digestible, high-calorie, low-nutrient foods that make one feel like ass.
1L Mandy Ginkell was helpful in diagnosing her fellow student’s acute Itis. “I knew right away that [2L Bars Lafely] been swilling that cafeteria slop when I saw him lurking near the bathroom. He kept clutching his stomach, and his upper lip was sweating pretty profusely. I was a nutrition major at Gustavus.” According to Ginkell, other signs that students are suffering from the Itis include: excessive and unclaimed gas usually emitted during lecture or crop-dusted in hallways; retching; that wafting stench in the hallway between the one private men’s room and the cafeteria; constipation; diarrhea and dry mouth.
Cafeteria officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the school suggested alternating the chili with other tasty food substitutes such as chicken fingers, tasteless pizza and Pop Tarts.
Billy Numack is officially off the cafeteria chili. “That pot of stank really did a number on my GI. Five semesters of consuming that molten gutrot and I practically need a colostomy bag! It literally ripped me a new asshole!” Numack complained Thursday.
Forced to endure a strict regimen of Diet Coke and Saltine crackers, Numack is one of many victims of cafeteria poisoning known locally as “Crapeteritis”. Not to be confused with actual poisoning, Crapeteritis is a rare digestive disorder resulting from repeated ingestion of highly delicious but only semi-digestible, high-calorie, low-nutrient foods that make one feel like ass.
1L Mandy Ginkell was helpful in diagnosing her fellow student’s acute Itis. “I knew right away that [2L Bars Lafely] been swilling that cafeteria slop when I saw him lurking near the bathroom. He kept clutching his stomach, and his upper lip was sweating pretty profusely. I was a nutrition major at Gustavus.” According to Ginkell, other signs that students are suffering from the Itis include: excessive and unclaimed gas usually emitted during lecture or crop-dusted in hallways; retching; that wafting stench in the hallway between the one private men’s room and the cafeteria; constipation; diarrhea and dry mouth.
Cafeteria officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the school suggested alternating the chili with other tasty food substitutes such as chicken fingers, tasteless pizza and Pop Tarts.
Faculty gets funky, is weird
Franz Pincer, The Stool
The 2008 Spring semester at William Mitchell has brought a number of exciting improvements to the College; like a rearranged trophy-type case in the library hallway, about fifty new flat-screen monitors posting entirely worthless information throughout the school, and a freshly funktified faculty.
To the utter mystification of students, a new swagger can be seen on certain members of the Mitchell Mix’s own, complete with an improper injection of “youth-slang”. This new vernacular seems to be a hybrid of Snoop Dogg’s specialized “izzo-speak” with the completely fantastical “Jive” spoken only in the movie “Airplane.”
“The faculty is making a concerted effort to inure good fizeelings in the student body, chill. We hope that what has heretofore been a diametrically opposed paradigm can shifty-shizz and become jiggy with the hizzos and brizzos, honky.” Said one adjunct faculty member.
Deans Janus and Thompson are even rumored to have posted pages on Facebook, which, to many students, is more weird than cool. “It’s not like they’re hangin’ loose, kickin’ it wit da stuzzos, or something. I mean, it’s a little creepy predator-like” said a 2L on condition of anonymity.
The perplexed student body continues to laugh off the complete disconnect by Mitchell staffers, but is left to ponder one very serious question: Will this be a passing fad – like a registration system that makes sense – or will we be forced to endure the new lexicon like the piece of shit excuse for artwork in the library? Hmmm.
The 2008 Spring semester at William Mitchell has brought a number of exciting improvements to the College; like a rearranged trophy-type case in the library hallway, about fifty new flat-screen monitors posting entirely worthless information throughout the school, and a freshly funktified faculty.
To the utter mystification of students, a new swagger can be seen on certain members of the Mitchell Mix’s own, complete with an improper injection of “youth-slang”. This new vernacular seems to be a hybrid of Snoop Dogg’s specialized “izzo-speak” with the completely fantastical “Jive” spoken only in the movie “Airplane.”
“The faculty is making a concerted effort to inure good fizeelings in the student body, chill. We hope that what has heretofore been a diametrically opposed paradigm can shifty-shizz and become jiggy with the hizzos and brizzos, honky.” Said one adjunct faculty member.
Deans Janus and Thompson are even rumored to have posted pages on Facebook, which, to many students, is more weird than cool. “It’s not like they’re hangin’ loose, kickin’ it wit da stuzzos, or something. I mean, it’s a little creepy predator-like” said a 2L on condition of anonymity.
The perplexed student body continues to laugh off the complete disconnect by Mitchell staffers, but is left to ponder one very serious question: Will this be a passing fad – like a registration system that makes sense – or will we be forced to endure the new lexicon like the piece of shit excuse for artwork in the library? Hmmm.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Lexis Lab rife with airborne filth
Franz Pincer, The Stool
As exams loom in the too-near distance over the heads of Mitchell students, this Stool staffer wants to tell whoever keeps busting ass in the Lexis Lab to knock it off. Seriously. This is my domain, people. There are only a few short weeks between now and exams and I don’t want to be made to choke a bitch.
For some of us, these weeks are the final countdown of a very protracted sentence of torture and tiny plagues. Law School is a veritable fun-house of afflictions and hatred, which are only exacerbated by the foul funk of someone else’s fanny fumes. Cut the cheese again, and I might cut your miserable 2L life short, pal. I mean it. I am close to the edge.
For many 3Ls and sad 4Ls this is a time of merriment and derision. As we watch the 1L’s contort with pain and anxiety over the shitstorm that awaits them in the form of a Torts final; witness their shock and fear at learning there will be a BlueBook exam over break, we laugh with horrible glee at their hurting. Because we are now immune. At this point, law school is a bore and studying optional.
So, ass-clown, put an end to the toot machine working in your rear end so I can go back to enjoying myself without a gas mask. I have a long paper to start and finish in three days, and it’s tough to type when my eyes are watering. Really, seriously, Gas-X or go home fartpig.
As exams loom in the too-near distance over the heads of Mitchell students, this Stool staffer wants to tell whoever keeps busting ass in the Lexis Lab to knock it off. Seriously. This is my domain, people. There are only a few short weeks between now and exams and I don’t want to be made to choke a bitch.
For some of us, these weeks are the final countdown of a very protracted sentence of torture and tiny plagues. Law School is a veritable fun-house of afflictions and hatred, which are only exacerbated by the foul funk of someone else’s fanny fumes. Cut the cheese again, and I might cut your miserable 2L life short, pal. I mean it. I am close to the edge.
For many 3Ls and sad 4Ls this is a time of merriment and derision. As we watch the 1L’s contort with pain and anxiety over the shitstorm that awaits them in the form of a Torts final; witness their shock and fear at learning there will be a BlueBook exam over break, we laugh with horrible glee at their hurting. Because we are now immune. At this point, law school is a bore and studying optional.
So, ass-clown, put an end to the toot machine working in your rear end so I can go back to enjoying myself without a gas mask. I have a long paper to start and finish in three days, and it’s tough to type when my eyes are watering. Really, seriously, Gas-X or go home fartpig.
3L can’t wait to give Dorsey & Whitney soul
Hans Olo, The Stool
The lure of money and much tie-wearing was filling the mind of 3L Bob Cousins last week. “I can’t wait to start work,” said Cousins of his newly-accepted position at the highly-respected law firm. “I’m going to be the best junior associate that place has ever seen. I’m going to work hard and make a difference.”
Unfortunately for Cousins, reality is waiting for him – and many like him – with a large, jagged cleaver with which it will circumcise Cousins’ soul from his body like wool from a sheep. “Oh yes, we’re always happy to get junior associates” said one Whitney employee. “They practically beg to be shit on. It’s like going into the army – we break them, and then we mold them into a machine. In this case, a billing machine devoid of conscience or social life.”
“Hey that sounds good to me,” said Cousins. “I have so much loan debt I’d be willing to lick a partner’s taint if it meant getting a job. Really, I’ll do it. Wait, what’s a taint?”
While many law students are chewed up and spit out by Whitney like so much bubble gum, some have made it an entire year, and are most eagerly awaiting a new crop of associates. “I’m going to obliterate them when they get here,” said hollow-eyed ’08 Mitchell alum Jen Pulver. “I’ve slept here so many nights… help me. I need help –“ Suddenly, klaxons began blaring and a large man in a black suit appeared in Pulver’s office doorway. We were told to leave immediately as the man flicked at the needle of a large syringe he produced from an inside coat pocket.
The lure of money and much tie-wearing was filling the mind of 3L Bob Cousins last week. “I can’t wait to start work,” said Cousins of his newly-accepted position at the highly-respected law firm. “I’m going to be the best junior associate that place has ever seen. I’m going to work hard and make a difference.”
Unfortunately for Cousins, reality is waiting for him – and many like him – with a large, jagged cleaver with which it will circumcise Cousins’ soul from his body like wool from a sheep. “Oh yes, we’re always happy to get junior associates” said one Whitney employee. “They practically beg to be shit on. It’s like going into the army – we break them, and then we mold them into a machine. In this case, a billing machine devoid of conscience or social life.”
“Hey that sounds good to me,” said Cousins. “I have so much loan debt I’d be willing to lick a partner’s taint if it meant getting a job. Really, I’ll do it. Wait, what’s a taint?”
While many law students are chewed up and spit out by Whitney like so much bubble gum, some have made it an entire year, and are most eagerly awaiting a new crop of associates. “I’m going to obliterate them when they get here,” said hollow-eyed ’08 Mitchell alum Jen Pulver. “I’ve slept here so many nights… help me. I need help –“ Suddenly, klaxons began blaring and a large man in a black suit appeared in Pulver’s office doorway. We were told to leave immediately as the man flicked at the needle of a large syringe he produced from an inside coat pocket.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
4th tier school showcases 4th tier registration system
Hans Olo, The Stool
As registration has once again descended on the students of William Mitchell, age-old questions concerning the college’s ancient and impotent registration system have again bubbled to the service.
“All I want is a clock,” said 2L Nancy Schneider after wrestling with the system for the third time in her law school career. “Why do they not put a clock on the registration page so everyone knows how long it’ll be until they can register? I probably hit the ‘back’ button on my computer like 40 times, then finally it let me start registering.”
A registrar representative, who declined to be named, told The Stool that a clock would simply be too much work for an already overloaded tech department to handle. “Students don’t really need a clock anyway,” continued the source. “Can’t they just hit ‘refresh’ or something? I’m sorry, you need to leave – this sudoku puzzle isn’t going to solve itself.”
On the whole, students felt cheated, bitter, drained, and belittled by their registration experience. “This system looks and acts like it was built by college freshmen for a group project in their Technology Today class,” said 3L Michael Karoski. “Here’s an amazing idea – how about a way to ‘save’ classes that you’re interested in taking so you don’t have to SCROLL THROUGH THE ENTIRE FUCKING LIST every time you want to add a class. Or – miracle of miracles – show how full a class is getting as registration goes on? Holy shit! That’s a-fucking-mazing!”
Seizing on these, and other obvious ideas culled from the student body, The Stool presented an itemized list of improvements that could easily be made to the registration system in a joint meeting of the technology department and the registrar’s office. After the short list had been read, each participant stared ahead as if in a daze. Eventually the silence was broken when a registrar representative told us “what then hell are [students] going to do about it? Those bitches can eat a bag of baby dicks and like it! Give me that tuition money and shut the FUCK up.”
As registration has once again descended on the students of William Mitchell, age-old questions concerning the college’s ancient and impotent registration system have again bubbled to the service.
“All I want is a clock,” said 2L Nancy Schneider after wrestling with the system for the third time in her law school career. “Why do they not put a clock on the registration page so everyone knows how long it’ll be until they can register? I probably hit the ‘back’ button on my computer like 40 times, then finally it let me start registering.”
A registrar representative, who declined to be named, told The Stool that a clock would simply be too much work for an already overloaded tech department to handle. “Students don’t really need a clock anyway,” continued the source. “Can’t they just hit ‘refresh’ or something? I’m sorry, you need to leave – this sudoku puzzle isn’t going to solve itself.”
On the whole, students felt cheated, bitter, drained, and belittled by their registration experience. “This system looks and acts like it was built by college freshmen for a group project in their Technology Today class,” said 3L Michael Karoski. “Here’s an amazing idea – how about a way to ‘save’ classes that you’re interested in taking so you don’t have to SCROLL THROUGH THE ENTIRE FUCKING LIST every time you want to add a class. Or – miracle of miracles – show how full a class is getting as registration goes on? Holy shit! That’s a-fucking-mazing!”
Seizing on these, and other obvious ideas culled from the student body, The Stool presented an itemized list of improvements that could easily be made to the registration system in a joint meeting of the technology department and the registrar’s office. After the short list had been read, each participant stared ahead as if in a daze. Eventually the silence was broken when a registrar representative told us “what then hell are [students] going to do about it? Those bitches can eat a bag of baby dicks and like it! Give me that tuition money and shut the FUCK up.”
2L super stressed about bar exam
Hans Olo, The Stool
Fran Merkel, a Mitchell 2L worked herself into a tizzy last week when she spoke with a 3L acquaintance about the work involved in preparing for the bar exam. “I need to start studying now. Oh my god. I can’t breathe. I don’t even know anything about criminal law yet! How am I going to pass the bar exam if I don’t know about criminal law?”
Although Merkel eventually was able to bring herself under control, the school told us they prefer students to focus on the bar exam. “The bar exam is a very important goal for each student to have in her or her sights,” said the director of student affairs. “It keeps them in a perpetual state of semi-fear that makes them more pliant to our whims and wishes. Case in point – the PLP requirement.”
Fran Merkel, a Mitchell 2L worked herself into a tizzy last week when she spoke with a 3L acquaintance about the work involved in preparing for the bar exam. “I need to start studying now. Oh my god. I can’t breathe. I don’t even know anything about criminal law yet! How am I going to pass the bar exam if I don’t know about criminal law?”
Although Merkel eventually was able to bring herself under control, the school told us they prefer students to focus on the bar exam. “The bar exam is a very important goal for each student to have in her or her sights,” said the director of student affairs. “It keeps them in a perpetual state of semi-fear that makes them more pliant to our whims and wishes. Case in point – the PLP requirement.”
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Awkward space baffles maintenance staff
Hans Olo, The Stool
The open space outside of rooms 123 and 125 has flummoxed both staff and faculty alike since the facility’s unveiling. It seems the flotsam and jetsam of the furniture collection Mitchell has accrued through the years has been tried and denied placement in this most pesky of areas.
“I’m not sure what to put there,” said Jan Lawerence, a maintenance staff manager. “We’ve tried pretty much every conceivable combination of furniture we have available in that area, and nothing has worked. We’ll find something though – don’t you worry.”
Some Mitchell students seemed nonplussed by the shifting furniture phenomenon. “I’ve noticed that they have different stuff [in that area] a lot, but I guess I don’t really care about it,” said 4L Tanya Schiffley. “I just sit in the caf area with my friends before class anyway. I leave that sunken leather chair area with the desk-arm-things for the 1Ls.” Others were more opinionated. “Do they have nothing better to do all day than to move furniture around? I mean, it took them like three weeks to paint that wall upstairs red. What the hell do they do anyway?”
Whatever the case, the furniture migrations seem in no danger of stopping anytime soon. New among the furniture acquisitions for this term are the 29-foot Knights of the Round Table-branded circular tables no one likes sitting at, and don’t really fit anywhere. “Don’t get me started on those ridiculous tables,” said 3L Marci McCorman. “Maybe they’ll hand out armor and swords so we can feel more at home when we’re sitting at them.”
The open space outside of rooms 123 and 125 has flummoxed both staff and faculty alike since the facility’s unveiling. It seems the flotsam and jetsam of the furniture collection Mitchell has accrued through the years has been tried and denied placement in this most pesky of areas.
“I’m not sure what to put there,” said Jan Lawerence, a maintenance staff manager. “We’ve tried pretty much every conceivable combination of furniture we have available in that area, and nothing has worked. We’ll find something though – don’t you worry.”
Some Mitchell students seemed nonplussed by the shifting furniture phenomenon. “I’ve noticed that they have different stuff [in that area] a lot, but I guess I don’t really care about it,” said 4L Tanya Schiffley. “I just sit in the caf area with my friends before class anyway. I leave that sunken leather chair area with the desk-arm-things for the 1Ls.” Others were more opinionated. “Do they have nothing better to do all day than to move furniture around? I mean, it took them like three weeks to paint that wall upstairs red. What the hell do they do anyway?”
Whatever the case, the furniture migrations seem in no danger of stopping anytime soon. New among the furniture acquisitions for this term are the 29-foot Knights of the Round Table-branded circular tables no one likes sitting at, and don’t really fit anywhere. “Don’t get me started on those ridiculous tables,” said 3L Marci McCorman. “Maybe they’ll hand out armor and swords so we can feel more at home when we’re sitting at them.”
What’s so funny: An Interview with Franz Pincer
Franz Pincer, The Stool
TS: Franz, you’re a funny mo’ fo’.
FP: Thanks, you’re pretty sweet too.
TS: How do you come up with such amazing brilliance all the time?
FP: Well, really I rely on my ability to appreciate life’s little ironies. Take Law School for example. We all hate it, complain about it, talk about burning it down and what not, but at our core each of us knows we are here because we chose to be. We studied, applied, tested in, hoped and pined for it. So in a way, we are all captive members of our own private hells. See? Irony!
TS: What about the students who feel they had no other options?
FP: They are obviously semi-retarded or completely socially retarded. You always have another option. You could have taken too many hits of something and fried your brain, or taken off for parts unknown, or tried B-school, or just told your overbearing dad to eat it. No one should blame their lack of direction and/or ballsack on deficient choices. That’s just retarded.
TS: What do you do when you aren’t writing for TS?
FP: I am a hit man. Now get the fuck away and stop asking me stupid questions. Naw, just kidding. I am a law professor, what did you think?
TS: Franz, you’re a funny mo’ fo’.
FP: Thanks, you’re pretty sweet too.
TS: How do you come up with such amazing brilliance all the time?
FP: Well, really I rely on my ability to appreciate life’s little ironies. Take Law School for example. We all hate it, complain about it, talk about burning it down and what not, but at our core each of us knows we are here because we chose to be. We studied, applied, tested in, hoped and pined for it. So in a way, we are all captive members of our own private hells. See? Irony!
TS: What about the students who feel they had no other options?
FP: They are obviously semi-retarded or completely socially retarded. You always have another option. You could have taken too many hits of something and fried your brain, or taken off for parts unknown, or tried B-school, or just told your overbearing dad to eat it. No one should blame their lack of direction and/or ballsack on deficient choices. That’s just retarded.
TS: What do you do when you aren’t writing for TS?
FP: I am a hit man. Now get the fuck away and stop asking me stupid questions. Naw, just kidding. I am a law professor, what did you think?
Blue Book is Alien
Franz Pincer, The Stool
According to unnamed sources, a triangulation of bizarre, yet related instances revealed The Blue Book’s origins may actually be Outer Space. As 3L Law Review Assistant Editor Arlene Bradford struggled to keep the voices in her head to a dull roar early this week, she was compelled to visit an L. Ron Hubbard website.
“I wanted to find that E-meter thing, you know, to reduce stress.” Explained Bradford adding, “I wound up doing all this research on the background of Dianetics, and the aliens who founded the earth. It turns out The Blue Book was their first published chronicles! It’s a guide!”
But not the guide law students have been tormented with using throughout legal writing classes, no. According to Bradford, The Book is an encrypted manual from aliens that has been horribly misinterpreted. Further investigation revealed that, if read correctly, The Blue Book could provide detailed instructions to something. If followed exactly, it should lead to inner peace, and a state much like a perpetual drug-coma.
Allegedly non-believers can find no such messages in the book and, for those who misuse it, the outlook is quite grim. “It can turn you into a complete mess – a babbling, confused, angry mess,” warned Bradford. The remaining editorial staff was too angry and confused to comment.
According to unnamed sources, a triangulation of bizarre, yet related instances revealed The Blue Book’s origins may actually be Outer Space. As 3L Law Review Assistant Editor Arlene Bradford struggled to keep the voices in her head to a dull roar early this week, she was compelled to visit an L. Ron Hubbard website.
“I wanted to find that E-meter thing, you know, to reduce stress.” Explained Bradford adding, “I wound up doing all this research on the background of Dianetics, and the aliens who founded the earth. It turns out The Blue Book was their first published chronicles! It’s a guide!”
But not the guide law students have been tormented with using throughout legal writing classes, no. According to Bradford, The Book is an encrypted manual from aliens that has been horribly misinterpreted. Further investigation revealed that, if read correctly, The Blue Book could provide detailed instructions to something. If followed exactly, it should lead to inner peace, and a state much like a perpetual drug-coma.
Allegedly non-believers can find no such messages in the book and, for those who misuse it, the outlook is quite grim. “It can turn you into a complete mess – a babbling, confused, angry mess,” warned Bradford. The remaining editorial staff was too angry and confused to comment.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Red square a mystery to all
Hans Olo, The Stool
The sloppily-painted red square on the lower right-hand side of the wall outside room 323 has the student body and the school's maintenance department stumped.
"I was happy to see it there," said 3L Tom Aeillo. "It's very non-conformist. It's a commentary on our obsession with order and symmetry in law, is what it is. Art can't be defined and ruled and briefed and thrown in a book! It has to be experienced and pondered like a sunset on a beach, or taking a satisfying turd while reading one of those 'Bathroom Reader' books."
The Mitchell maintenance staff was less philosophical. "I dunno what it is," maintenance technician Tom Granger told us. "I thought it was something one of you snot-nosed douches did while waiting for your waste-of-time classes to start. I'm not repainting that wall, that's all I know."
Mitchell faculty refused to comment on the square, although Professor Hogg did say, "I LET MY DOG EAT NECKLACES IN THE ACCIDENT. GOBLET?"
The sloppily-painted red square on the lower right-hand side of the wall outside room 323 has the student body and the school's maintenance department stumped.
"I was happy to see it there," said 3L Tom Aeillo. "It's very non-conformist. It's a commentary on our obsession with order and symmetry in law, is what it is. Art can't be defined and ruled and briefed and thrown in a book! It has to be experienced and pondered like a sunset on a beach, or taking a satisfying turd while reading one of those 'Bathroom Reader' books."
The Mitchell maintenance staff was less philosophical. "I dunno what it is," maintenance technician Tom Granger told us. "I thought it was something one of you snot-nosed douches did while waiting for your waste-of-time classes to start. I'm not repainting that wall, that's all I know."
Mitchell faculty refused to comment on the square, although Professor Hogg did say, "I LET MY DOG EAT NECKLACES IN THE ACCIDENT. GOBLET?"
Professor Makes Student Sweaty
Franz Pincer, The Stool
While meeting over her long paper last week, 3L Martina Long reported sweating profusely. Sources allege that the sweating began with just the upper lip in tight little beads, but escalated quickly as Steenson’s red pen made contact with the carefully crafted words of Long’s introduction. Soon, the left armpit went into hyperdrive, soaking the cap sleeve of her A&F tiny-tee.
“I was so nervous he could see, I kept touching my armpit to see if it felt wet,” recounted Long, adding “that only made it worse because he saw me doing it like four times, and then I felt weird and I wiped my hand on my pants, but then they were all hot, and sweat started to drip down the sides of my face a little. It was bad.”
Apparently, the real jungle sweat didn’t appear until her welcomed exit, but it in all likelihood ruined any chance of future productivity in these meetings.
While Steenson isn’t the only professor reported to induce involuntary bodily excretions, he is so far the only one to cause what is now being dubbed: Sweat-hog Syndrome.
While meeting over her long paper last week, 3L Martina Long reported sweating profusely. Sources allege that the sweating began with just the upper lip in tight little beads, but escalated quickly as Steenson’s red pen made contact with the carefully crafted words of Long’s introduction. Soon, the left armpit went into hyperdrive, soaking the cap sleeve of her A&F tiny-tee.
“I was so nervous he could see, I kept touching my armpit to see if it felt wet,” recounted Long, adding “that only made it worse because he saw me doing it like four times, and then I felt weird and I wiped my hand on my pants, but then they were all hot, and sweat started to drip down the sides of my face a little. It was bad.”
Apparently, the real jungle sweat didn’t appear until her welcomed exit, but it in all likelihood ruined any chance of future productivity in these meetings.
While Steenson isn’t the only professor reported to induce involuntary bodily excretions, he is so far the only one to cause what is now being dubbed: Sweat-hog Syndrome.
2L Looks on the Bright Side
Franz Pincer, The Stool
After a two-day Disney movie binge, 2L Amanda Pratt began preaching that things aren’t so bad, after all.
“When I heard [2L] Mindy talking about how badly her Insurance presentation went, I told her to look on the bright side, she could be in Auschwitz,” chirped an over-contented Pratt. “At least the class is online! It could totally have been worse, she could have been in class and then they’d have seen her bad haircut, too.”
Apparently unaware of the perpetual dark cloud over law school, Pratt was seen dispensing useless “bright side” commentaries all over school for a good part of the week.
“The bitch is out of her mind. I was freaking out after my laptop shit itself and ate half of my long paper. She told me to look on the bright side!! The BRIGHT SIDE!?! I threw my basket of fries at her and told her to eat a bag of dicks.” Recounted still furious 3L Andy Gorman.
Wiping mustard off her sweater, Pratt shrugged and said, “look at the bright side, he could have chucked his computer at me.”
Pratt’s foray into the Bright Side reportedly came to a sputtering halt when she was utterly humiliated in Professor Erlinder’s Crim Law class. Flapping her pie hole to blather on about what was not so bad about having class on Saturday mornings, Pratt was cut short by Erlinder as he lunged at her, eyes bulging, and noisily ate her pizza in front of the whole class. On the bright side, she finally shut the fuck up.
After a two-day Disney movie binge, 2L Amanda Pratt began preaching that things aren’t so bad, after all.
“When I heard [2L] Mindy talking about how badly her Insurance presentation went, I told her to look on the bright side, she could be in Auschwitz,” chirped an over-contented Pratt. “At least the class is online! It could totally have been worse, she could have been in class and then they’d have seen her bad haircut, too.”
Apparently unaware of the perpetual dark cloud over law school, Pratt was seen dispensing useless “bright side” commentaries all over school for a good part of the week.
“The bitch is out of her mind. I was freaking out after my laptop shit itself and ate half of my long paper. She told me to look on the bright side!! The BRIGHT SIDE!?! I threw my basket of fries at her and told her to eat a bag of dicks.” Recounted still furious 3L Andy Gorman.
Wiping mustard off her sweater, Pratt shrugged and said, “look at the bright side, he could have chucked his computer at me.”
Pratt’s foray into the Bright Side reportedly came to a sputtering halt when she was utterly humiliated in Professor Erlinder’s Crim Law class. Flapping her pie hole to blather on about what was not so bad about having class on Saturday mornings, Pratt was cut short by Erlinder as he lunged at her, eyes bulging, and noisily ate her pizza in front of the whole class. On the bright side, she finally shut the fuck up.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Symplicity perplexes
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
Simple solutions found for in-class boredom
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
As the years wear on and classes become more and more repetitive, boredom tends to take over the minds of upper-classmen. 3L and 4L students tend to let their minds wander in class, especially when discussing the finer points of state action for the three hundredth time. Some Mitchell students have come up with interesting ideas to whisk away the boredom blues.
3L Barry Svenvoldson is proud of his system. “It’s such a simple thing, I’m really amazed that I didn’t think of it years ago,” said Svenvoldson. “I just head to my car during the ten-minute break, and find my whiskey flask. I knock down about four shots of Beam, and by the time I get back to class, I’m shitfaced! It really makes that last hour fly by.”
“Some people don’t like it,” Svenvoldson continued. “I try not to be too disruptive, but I figure that my being absolutely plowed in class is a deterrent for professors to lightning bolt me. One of my drunk, rambling answers is all they need to hear, and then they never call on me again. Then there’s that Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers group. They always bug me, but I just tell them, ‘Hey! I’m not a lawyer yet! Don’t be so concerned!’”
Barry asked for a small break during our interview, but never returned. Reports suggest that he passed out in his car.
4L Natasha Lithenstein has a similarly effective means of coping with boredom. “I learned Barry’s method last year, but I decided to elaborate on it a bit. I go out to my car on the break as well, but instead of drinking, what I do is put my key in the ignition, turn it, back out of my parking space, and go home. It seems to work well for me.”
As the years wear on and classes become more and more repetitive, boredom tends to take over the minds of upper-classmen. 3L and 4L students tend to let their minds wander in class, especially when discussing the finer points of state action for the three hundredth time. Some Mitchell students have come up with interesting ideas to whisk away the boredom blues.
3L Barry Svenvoldson is proud of his system. “It’s such a simple thing, I’m really amazed that I didn’t think of it years ago,” said Svenvoldson. “I just head to my car during the ten-minute break, and find my whiskey flask. I knock down about four shots of Beam, and by the time I get back to class, I’m shitfaced! It really makes that last hour fly by.”
“Some people don’t like it,” Svenvoldson continued. “I try not to be too disruptive, but I figure that my being absolutely plowed in class is a deterrent for professors to lightning bolt me. One of my drunk, rambling answers is all they need to hear, and then they never call on me again. Then there’s that Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers group. They always bug me, but I just tell them, ‘Hey! I’m not a lawyer yet! Don’t be so concerned!’”
Barry asked for a small break during our interview, but never returned. Reports suggest that he passed out in his car.
4L Natasha Lithenstein has a similarly effective means of coping with boredom. “I learned Barry’s method last year, but I decided to elaborate on it a bit. I go out to my car on the break as well, but instead of drinking, what I do is put my key in the ignition, turn it, back out of my parking space, and go home. It seems to work well for me.”
PLP nets record number of potential attendees, disappointments
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2L happy classmates’ engagement rings aren’t as good as hers
Hans Olo, The Stool
Following a spat of summer engagements, 2L Brenda Harris-Barnes reunited with her study group last week and was relieved to see her engagement ring was still the prettiest. “Ohmygod I love my ring,” said Harris-Barnes. “Tom and I went to Jared and spent all day picking it out before he bought it. It makes my finger look tiny when I put it on – it’s just soooo pretty. I mean, [my friends’] rings are nice, but I’d have to say mine is definitely still the best I’ve ever seen.”
Harris-Barnes rarely misses an opportunity to inspect an engagement ring. “Whenever I meet someone who just got engaged, I always ask to see their ring. I’m always nice about telling them how pretty it is, but really I’m happy because it always looks so cheap compared to mine. Plus, now that I have my wedding ring beside it, it’s like twice as pretty. I can always tell they’re impressed when I show them. I’m just so lucky!”
Following a spat of summer engagements, 2L Brenda Harris-Barnes reunited with her study group last week and was relieved to see her engagement ring was still the prettiest. “Ohmygod I love my ring,” said Harris-Barnes. “Tom and I went to Jared and spent all day picking it out before he bought it. It makes my finger look tiny when I put it on – it’s just soooo pretty. I mean, [my friends’] rings are nice, but I’d have to say mine is definitely still the best I’ve ever seen.”
Harris-Barnes rarely misses an opportunity to inspect an engagement ring. “Whenever I meet someone who just got engaged, I always ask to see their ring. I’m always nice about telling them how pretty it is, but really I’m happy because it always looks so cheap compared to mine. Plus, now that I have my wedding ring beside it, it’s like twice as pretty. I can always tell they’re impressed when I show them. I’m just so lucky!”
Friday, April 11, 2008
“Guitar Hero” Spurs New Interest in Career Development Office
On Wednesday, the Office of Career and Professional Development installed the hugely popular interactive video game “Guitar Hero,” as well as a 50” plasma television. Students, faculty, and staff immediately took interest in the game, distracting everyone from William Mitchell’s new position as “Worst Law School in the Nation” according to U.S. News and World Report.
Dean Janus was heard commenting, “We, as well as many other law schools in the fourth tier, disagree with the way the Report ranks schools. Have no fear, we’re taking this very seriously. Scholarships will be given out to even more minorities... wait... what is that?”
William Mitchell’s President proceeded to push Brangelia Hugenplow out of the way of the big screen TV, grabbed her guitar, and shouted, “DOWDAL! THIS THING IS BITCHIN’!”
When The Stool asked Assistant Director of Career Development Shannon Wellmonth about the video game’s presence in the office, she had nothing but nice things to say, “You see, this office has been attempting to homogenize the student body’s resumes for the last decade. We’ve been hugely successful. Everyone uses the same font, size, experiences, and page design, but that “Interests” area has always been problematic. We figure with “Guitar Hero” in the office, we’ll get everyone hooked and then those “Interests” will eventually all be one and the same.”
After peering through Career Development’s window, Dean Dees was heard muttering to herself, “I’ll show those assholes...” The Dean then walked into the Multicultural Office and yelled, “SHARON! ORDER US A PROJECTION SCREEN AND GET “DANCE, DANCE REVOLUTION!” LET’S SHOW THOSE CRACKAS WHAT OUR KIDS CAN DO!”
Dean Janus was heard commenting, “We, as well as many other law schools in the fourth tier, disagree with the way the Report ranks schools. Have no fear, we’re taking this very seriously. Scholarships will be given out to even more minorities... wait... what is that?”
William Mitchell’s President proceeded to push Brangelia Hugenplow out of the way of the big screen TV, grabbed her guitar, and shouted, “DOWDAL! THIS THING IS BITCHIN’!”
When The Stool asked Assistant Director of Career Development Shannon Wellmonth about the video game’s presence in the office, she had nothing but nice things to say, “You see, this office has been attempting to homogenize the student body’s resumes for the last decade. We’ve been hugely successful. Everyone uses the same font, size, experiences, and page design, but that “Interests” area has always been problematic. We figure with “Guitar Hero” in the office, we’ll get everyone hooked and then those “Interests” will eventually all be one and the same.”
After peering through Career Development’s window, Dean Dees was heard muttering to herself, “I’ll show those assholes...” The Dean then walked into the Multicultural Office and yelled, “SHARON! ORDER US A PROJECTION SCREEN AND GET “DANCE, DANCE REVOLUTION!” LET’S SHOW THOSE CRACKAS WHAT OUR KIDS CAN DO!”
1L happy to get the crap that’s left over
Hans Olo, The Stool
After a whirlwind of activity during his first registration process, Ty Widmer was happy to be taking anything.
“I was watching classes fill up for like three hours before it was finally my time,” said Widmer. “Then after refreshing the page about 29,000 times I registered for some stuff.“ When pressed, Widmer was unable to recall what he registered for or when the classes will meet next fall.
“What the hell is the matter with that fucking online system anyway?” asked Widmer. “Have they not thought of putting a clock on the registration page so you don’t have to try to register for something fifty times in a row hoping your time will finally roll around? And what the fuck clock are they using over there anyway? I swear it’s like four minutes slow for everyone. I had a less stressful time when the 35W bridge collapsed under me last summer than I had just now.”
After a whirlwind of activity during his first registration process, Ty Widmer was happy to be taking anything.
“I was watching classes fill up for like three hours before it was finally my time,” said Widmer. “Then after refreshing the page about 29,000 times I registered for some stuff.“ When pressed, Widmer was unable to recall what he registered for or when the classes will meet next fall.
“What the hell is the matter with that fucking online system anyway?” asked Widmer. “Have they not thought of putting a clock on the registration page so you don’t have to try to register for something fifty times in a row hoping your time will finally roll around? And what the fuck clock are they using over there anyway? I swear it’s like four minutes slow for everyone. I had a less stressful time when the 35W bridge collapsed under me last summer than I had just now.”
Diversity Week ’08 – Resounding Success for Horsefuckers
Abigail Wilson, The Stool
William Mitchell’s Diversity Week ’08 acted as the death knell for diversity… unless you were a Horsefucker. With a meager showing by almost all of the WMCL “diversity organizations,” the Horsefucker Law Student Society’s programming put other groups’ activities to shame.
One Multicultural Office hanger-on was spotted in a stairwell at Noon on Wednesday putting up signs for the Annual Soul Food Festival. Said festival had begun one hour previously at 11AM and was scheduled to end at 1PM. “We definitely dropped the ball on this one, but, man, those Horsefuckers sure got their shit together! On Monday, their dick-slapping contest really depleted the interest in the Asian Law Student Association’s international wears that were set up in that hallway where no one goes. You know? That one where they’ve got the pictures of those old fuckers hanging up? Yeah! That one.”
Diversity Week’s one successful event, the Cesar Chavez dinner, also felt the looming presence of the HLSS. One member of the Latino Law Student Association, who chose to remain anonymous for fear of Horsefucker retaliation, commented, “They just stood at the back of the auditorium. They looked pretty disgruntled that even one organization had been able to pull off a proper event.”
Horsefucker Vice-President, Billy Clinksworth told The Stool, “They got one past us. But no worries. Next year, the Horsefuckers, being the underrepresented population du jour, will really be able to take over Diversity Week 110%!”
William Mitchell’s Diversity Week ’08 acted as the death knell for diversity… unless you were a Horsefucker. With a meager showing by almost all of the WMCL “diversity organizations,” the Horsefucker Law Student Society’s programming put other groups’ activities to shame.
One Multicultural Office hanger-on was spotted in a stairwell at Noon on Wednesday putting up signs for the Annual Soul Food Festival. Said festival had begun one hour previously at 11AM and was scheduled to end at 1PM. “We definitely dropped the ball on this one, but, man, those Horsefuckers sure got their shit together! On Monday, their dick-slapping contest really depleted the interest in the Asian Law Student Association’s international wears that were set up in that hallway where no one goes. You know? That one where they’ve got the pictures of those old fuckers hanging up? Yeah! That one.”
Diversity Week’s one successful event, the Cesar Chavez dinner, also felt the looming presence of the HLSS. One member of the Latino Law Student Association, who chose to remain anonymous for fear of Horsefucker retaliation, commented, “They just stood at the back of the auditorium. They looked pretty disgruntled that even one organization had been able to pull off a proper event.”
Horsefucker Vice-President, Billy Clinksworth told The Stool, “They got one past us. But no worries. Next year, the Horsefuckers, being the underrepresented population du jour, will really be able to take over Diversity Week 110%!”
Irony of Student Scalping in Indian Law Not Lost on Professor
Michael Samuelson, The Stool
A frantic call to 9-1-1 on Wednesday night drew the St. Paul Police to WMCL Rm. 231. Nothing could have prepared even the most veteran officers for what St. Paul’s finest saw upon entering the classroom. As the men and women of Squad 609 kicked down the door, pistols drawn, they found Prof. James Johanson standing over the limp body of Hubert Dinkleson. Twitching and huddled in the right corner of the classroom, Pruicious Laebenlox tightly gripped a bloody blade in her right hand, and a scalp full of Dinkleson’s golden locks in her left.
“Oh! You’re here!” exclaimed Prof. Johanson as Rm. 231’s door came crashing to the ground. “I really wish you could have seen it! Ms. Laebenlox’s ferocity was truly incredible! I haven’t seen a scalping like that in some time. The anger of a million burning suns filled her eyes and before you could say ‘the Termination Act of 1954’ it was over!”
Other students in the class took a moment to wipe the gray matter off their faces before responding to questions.
“Dinkleson had it coming. He kept interrupting Prof. Johanson with bullshit questions. ‘PROFESSOR! What if a non-Indian was drunk driving on a road inside Indian Country? PROFESSOR! What if a member of the Sioux Nation went onto the Red Lake Indian Reservation and declared himself a member of that tribe? PROFESSOR! What if I took a minute and pulled my head out of my yin yang and did this class a solid and shut my mouth?’ Well, clearly the answer to that last question would have been ‘I wouldn’t be lying dead on the floor with half my head missing.’”
Wheeling the body out of the room, Officer Patrick O’Rourke turned around and addressed the remaining students, “Let this be a reminder to the rest of you. When your professor says he wants to let the class out early, you shut your whore mouths and let the man get the class out early.”
A frantic call to 9-1-1 on Wednesday night drew the St. Paul Police to WMCL Rm. 231. Nothing could have prepared even the most veteran officers for what St. Paul’s finest saw upon entering the classroom. As the men and women of Squad 609 kicked down the door, pistols drawn, they found Prof. James Johanson standing over the limp body of Hubert Dinkleson. Twitching and huddled in the right corner of the classroom, Pruicious Laebenlox tightly gripped a bloody blade in her right hand, and a scalp full of Dinkleson’s golden locks in her left.
“Oh! You’re here!” exclaimed Prof. Johanson as Rm. 231’s door came crashing to the ground. “I really wish you could have seen it! Ms. Laebenlox’s ferocity was truly incredible! I haven’t seen a scalping like that in some time. The anger of a million burning suns filled her eyes and before you could say ‘the Termination Act of 1954’ it was over!”
Other students in the class took a moment to wipe the gray matter off their faces before responding to questions.
“Dinkleson had it coming. He kept interrupting Prof. Johanson with bullshit questions. ‘PROFESSOR! What if a non-Indian was drunk driving on a road inside Indian Country? PROFESSOR! What if a member of the Sioux Nation went onto the Red Lake Indian Reservation and declared himself a member of that tribe? PROFESSOR! What if I took a minute and pulled my head out of my yin yang and did this class a solid and shut my mouth?’ Well, clearly the answer to that last question would have been ‘I wouldn’t be lying dead on the floor with half my head missing.’”
Wheeling the body out of the room, Officer Patrick O’Rourke turned around and addressed the remaining students, “Let this be a reminder to the rest of you. When your professor says he wants to let the class out early, you shut your whore mouths and let the man get the class out early.”
Friday, March 28, 2008
Gay 1L realizes there are no “Will Trumans” in law school
Tom Leet, The Stool
During one of William Mitchell’s biweekly diversity surveys, 1L Curt Jienrich admitted to the interviewer that his decision to attend law school rested on the idea that he would meet an attractive, soon-to-be attorney akin to the titular character of “Will and Grace” who would sweep him off his feet.
“I mean, like, what the fuck!? Where are all the gay hotties?” Jienrich asked as he snapped a piece of pink bubble gum. “I came to law school for a degree and piece of ass once a week. Instead, I’m surrounded by a bunch of balding, fat, turds that are just like every other breeder in this goddamn school! Do you know how fucking disturbing it is when you think you see a cute boy walking down hall and it turns out to be Prof. Grose?”
As Jienrich finished his informal survey, Mary Dove walked by in a pair of four-inch pumps.
“Girrrrrl! I love your shoes! They are fierce!”
During one of William Mitchell’s biweekly diversity surveys, 1L Curt Jienrich admitted to the interviewer that his decision to attend law school rested on the idea that he would meet an attractive, soon-to-be attorney akin to the titular character of “Will and Grace” who would sweep him off his feet.
“I mean, like, what the fuck!? Where are all the gay hotties?” Jienrich asked as he snapped a piece of pink bubble gum. “I came to law school for a degree and piece of ass once a week. Instead, I’m surrounded by a bunch of balding, fat, turds that are just like every other breeder in this goddamn school! Do you know how fucking disturbing it is when you think you see a cute boy walking down hall and it turns out to be Prof. Grose?”
As Jienrich finished his informal survey, Mary Dove walked by in a pair of four-inch pumps.
“Girrrrrl! I love your shoes! They are fierce!”
Lack of News Horrifies Student Group Leadership
Tom Leet, The Stool
Midway through the semester and under pressure to spend their budgets, student group leaders have realized that their groups don’t actually do anything or have anything significant to say. Jane Ingbar, President of Beta Theta Phi law fraternity, silently left the organization’s first general meeting of the semester last Thursday close to tears.
“I don’t understand what happened. I had a two-page outline for Christ’s sake!” said Ingbar. “Two pages! And the pizza was ten minutes late so I seriously thought I could shoot the shit with the other members – you know, kill some time – turns out, I don’t really know any of these people. How the hell are you supposed to talk to people you don’t even know?
“Well, regardless, of the panic that set in while waiting for the delivery guy, I was halfway through my outline five minutes into the meeting! Do you know!?! Do you have any fucking idea what that’s like!?!”
Ingbar then suddenly became silent as her lips continued to move while she wildly gesticulated, but nothing audible came out of her mouth. Somewhere in the distance, a dog howled.
Billy Anderson, Beta Theta Phi’s vice-president, walked up behind his organization’s head officer and slowly led her away.
“And you, cock head!,” said a rearticulate Ingbar. “Why don’t you fucking say something?!? All you do is sit there and eat the pizza!”
Midway through the semester and under pressure to spend their budgets, student group leaders have realized that their groups don’t actually do anything or have anything significant to say. Jane Ingbar, President of Beta Theta Phi law fraternity, silently left the organization’s first general meeting of the semester last Thursday close to tears.
“I don’t understand what happened. I had a two-page outline for Christ’s sake!” said Ingbar. “Two pages! And the pizza was ten minutes late so I seriously thought I could shoot the shit with the other members – you know, kill some time – turns out, I don’t really know any of these people. How the hell are you supposed to talk to people you don’t even know?
“Well, regardless, of the panic that set in while waiting for the delivery guy, I was halfway through my outline five minutes into the meeting! Do you know!?! Do you have any fucking idea what that’s like!?!”
Ingbar then suddenly became silent as her lips continued to move while she wildly gesticulated, but nothing audible came out of her mouth. Somewhere in the distance, a dog howled.
Billy Anderson, Beta Theta Phi’s vice-president, walked up behind his organization’s head officer and slowly led her away.
“And you, cock head!,” said a rearticulate Ingbar. “Why don’t you fucking say something?!? All you do is sit there and eat the pizza!”
Thursday, March 20, 2008
1L plans transfer to warmer climes
Hans Olo, The Stool
“If WRAP is any indication of what Advocacy will be like, then I have to get the hell out of here,” said 1L Marlene Perkins. “I’ve been looking around at schools out of state, and I think I want to move somewhere a little warmer.”
Perkins stumbled on her new transfer school of choice while shopping for luggage on half.com during a large section class period of WRAP last week. “This place looks fantastic,” Perkins told us, pointing to her laptop screen. “It’s in Arizona, it’s a really good school, and it doesn’t have skills classes requirements.”
The school that piqued Perkins’ interest, the University of Phoenix, will offer an unaccredited J.D. program for the first time next fall.
“We’re very excited about our new law program,” said University of Phoenix Director of Admissions Martin Cheselwick. “We’re going to do all that stuff other law schools do, but we’ll do it all online. Ms. Perkins can move here if she wants, but it’s not necessary.”
“Online law schools are the wave of the future,” Perkins reassured us. “You suckers can sit there and learn about wills and tax and that crap, but will you have a course on court reporting? No. What about project management or an introduction to criminal justice careers? No and No. It’s time for fun in the sun, bitches! I haven’t been able to find a picture of their campus yet, but I’m sure it’s huge.”
“If WRAP is any indication of what Advocacy will be like, then I have to get the hell out of here,” said 1L Marlene Perkins. “I’ve been looking around at schools out of state, and I think I want to move somewhere a little warmer.”
Perkins stumbled on her new transfer school of choice while shopping for luggage on half.com during a large section class period of WRAP last week. “This place looks fantastic,” Perkins told us, pointing to her laptop screen. “It’s in Arizona, it’s a really good school, and it doesn’t have skills classes requirements.”
The school that piqued Perkins’ interest, the University of Phoenix, will offer an unaccredited J.D. program for the first time next fall.
“We’re very excited about our new law program,” said University of Phoenix Director of Admissions Martin Cheselwick. “We’re going to do all that stuff other law schools do, but we’ll do it all online. Ms. Perkins can move here if she wants, but it’s not necessary.”
“Online law schools are the wave of the future,” Perkins reassured us. “You suckers can sit there and learn about wills and tax and that crap, but will you have a course on court reporting? No. What about project management or an introduction to criminal justice careers? No and No. It’s time for fun in the sun, bitches! I haven’t been able to find a picture of their campus yet, but I’m sure it’s huge.”
PILF Auction features paint-by-wiener
Beaver Hunt, The Stool
1L Craig Montana got more than he bargained for in a recent PILF auction bid. “I remember a few weeks ago when Professor Kleinberger showed our contracts class this artwork that had been painted using body parts instead of brushes,” said Montana. “He showed us this painting of a flower that was done by the artist dipping his wiener and ballsack in paint and then creating a picture with his junk.”
Earlier this week, Montana noticed an interesting painting in the PILF auction that he thought would make a handsome addition to his apartment’s décor. “After I put in my top bid, I went to look at the painting again and noticed the work was signed by Kleinberger and smelled faintly of meat. Then I took a closer look and noticed a short-and-curly frozen in the paint. It was then that I realized I had bid on wiener art.”
As news of the wiener art circulated around campus, bids began pouring in. “We’ve had an unprecedented number of bids for the painting entitled ‘Payroll Evidence,’” said Sue Dorothy, PILF coordinator. The high bid is currently at $12,400 by Professor Kleinberger.
1L Craig Montana got more than he bargained for in a recent PILF auction bid. “I remember a few weeks ago when Professor Kleinberger showed our contracts class this artwork that had been painted using body parts instead of brushes,” said Montana. “He showed us this painting of a flower that was done by the artist dipping his wiener and ballsack in paint and then creating a picture with his junk.”
Earlier this week, Montana noticed an interesting painting in the PILF auction that he thought would make a handsome addition to his apartment’s décor. “After I put in my top bid, I went to look at the painting again and noticed the work was signed by Kleinberger and smelled faintly of meat. Then I took a closer look and noticed a short-and-curly frozen in the paint. It was then that I realized I had bid on wiener art.”
As news of the wiener art circulated around campus, bids began pouring in. “We’ve had an unprecedented number of bids for the painting entitled ‘Payroll Evidence,’” said Sue Dorothy, PILF coordinator. The high bid is currently at $12,400 by Professor Kleinberger.
Former Mitchell student wanted to move back to Africa anyway
Michelle Clark, The Stool
The man voted “most likely to be disbarred” by his classmates is enjoying life in his native Cameroon. “I didn’t want to stay in shitty America anyway,” said Djab Uying via phone. “When the corrupt U.S. government charged me with [crimes] I did not commit, I decided to leave, since I was probably going to leave soon on my own anyway.”
Uying is unable to practice law in Cameroon, but is staying busy with other pursuits. “I’ve constructed a very fashionable corrugated tin manse for myself, and have had numerous requests from my neighbors to build tin dwellings for them as well. I plan to parlay my building skills into many thousands of US dollars.”
Although lacking plumbing, electricity, and windows of any kind, Uying has recently upgraded his dwelling to include a slit-trench latrine “away from the cooking pit so everything is sanitary.”
When asked what the future holds, Uying brims with confidence. “I became adept at copying people’s handwriting while in the land of the infidels. With this knowledge, and my construction business, I plan to be a very successful international businessman soon.” Our conversation was then cut off as Uying began fighting with another man over spending too much time on the village telephone.
The man voted “most likely to be disbarred” by his classmates is enjoying life in his native Cameroon. “I didn’t want to stay in shitty America anyway,” said Djab Uying via phone. “When the corrupt U.S. government charged me with [crimes] I did not commit, I decided to leave, since I was probably going to leave soon on my own anyway.”
Uying is unable to practice law in Cameroon, but is staying busy with other pursuits. “I’ve constructed a very fashionable corrugated tin manse for myself, and have had numerous requests from my neighbors to build tin dwellings for them as well. I plan to parlay my building skills into many thousands of US dollars.”
Although lacking plumbing, electricity, and windows of any kind, Uying has recently upgraded his dwelling to include a slit-trench latrine “away from the cooking pit so everything is sanitary.”
When asked what the future holds, Uying brims with confidence. “I became adept at copying people’s handwriting while in the land of the infidels. With this knowledge, and my construction business, I plan to be a very successful international businessman soon.” Our conversation was then cut off as Uying began fighting with another man over spending too much time on the village telephone.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Stool Quiz: Are you a gunner?
Gunners come in many shapes and sizes – are you one of them? Take the quiz below and find out.
1. Your PR prof asks if anyone in the class would like to brief the next case. Do you:
a. Do nothing. (0 points)
b. Wait until the really short case comes up to raise your hand. (1 point)
c. Raise your hand to get participation requirement out of the way for the semester. (2 points)
d. Raise your hand, brief the case for five minutes, then ask a question about what civ pro rule 11 ramifications there might be in this case. (5 points)
2. You’re reading for tomorrow’s agency class. After finishing a case, you see there’s a dissent and a few note cases that follow. Do you:
a. Skip the dissent and the notes – the prof will go over that shit if it’s important. (0 points)
b. Skim the dissent and skip the notes – if you get lightninged you want to be able to sound semi intelligent. (1 point)
c. Read the dissent and skim the notes – sometimes the dissent is really interesting, and the notes tend to focus the decision a little more (2 points)
d. Read and brief the case and the dissent, read the notes and look up the note cases – you’ll be raising your hand on this one! (5 points)
3. There are three minutes left in your class period. The prof asks, “are there any questions?” after finishing a chapter. Do you:
a. Start shutting down your computer, but leave the screen up so it doesn’t look like you’ve stopped paying attention. She wouldn’t start a new chapter with three minutes left! (0 points)
b. Keep your notes open, but start bundling your power cord. If someone does ask a question, you’ll be able to get the answer if it’s important. (1 point)
c. Contemplate asking something, but decide to catch the prof after class since there’s so little time left. (2 points)
d. Raise your hand and ask a question about the policy behind the ruling in the last case. You’re so engrossed, you don’t even notice there’s three minutes left in class. (5 points)
4. The first draft of your appellate brief for advocacy is due in three weeks. Do you:
a. Three weeks? Pfff! That’s like 20 years in law school time. There are more pressing matters; like that fucking direct examination exercise later this week. (0 points)
b. Read through the fact pattern to get a feel for what’s going on. (1 point)
c. Read through the fact pattern and take notes, then do some preliminary research. (2 points)
d. Read the fact pattern thoroughly, research the issues, and write a rough draft. Cardozo don’t got shit on you! (5 points)
5. On-campus interviews are coming up. Do you:
a. You’ve got better things to do than suck someone’s asshole for the chance at maybe getting a job down the road. (0 points)
b. Think about doing it, but put it off until next year. (1 point)
c. Use Symplicity in any way. (5 points)
6. After a Friday night at Sweeney’s, you have the opportunity to have sex with a classmate who you find attractive. Do you:
a. So hot! Oh my God I’m drunk right now. I hope s/he doesn’t live far away. (0 points)
b. The very survival of the human race depends on sexual intercourse. It’s your duty as a member of the species to tap that ass. (1 points)
c. Have sex, but make sure s/he is fully alert and not too drunk to possibly think that s/he was taken advantage of, thereby creating a potential problem when bar exam time comes. (2 points)
d. Don’t have sex. This person is a potential colleague! If things don’t work out and you see them in a professional setting, there could be awkwardness, and it might impede your ability to zealously advocate for your client. (5 points).
Scoring
Add up your scores from the answer above, then match your total using the chart below to determine you gunnerness.
22-30: You are a gunner. You fuck up the curve. You annoy people in class. You might as well call yourself The Gunnery Sergeant and sew chevrons on your sleeves.
14-21: You are teetering on the brink of being a gunner. You often do things that make people want to punch you in the throat, but you show restraint from time to time.
7-13: You aspire to be a gunner, but weed and/or common sense prevents you from taking it to the next level.
0-6: You are a curve rider. You do what you need to do, and you drink when you’re not doing it.
1. Your PR prof asks if anyone in the class would like to brief the next case. Do you:
a. Do nothing. (0 points)
b. Wait until the really short case comes up to raise your hand. (1 point)
c. Raise your hand to get participation requirement out of the way for the semester. (2 points)
d. Raise your hand, brief the case for five minutes, then ask a question about what civ pro rule 11 ramifications there might be in this case. (5 points)
2. You’re reading for tomorrow’s agency class. After finishing a case, you see there’s a dissent and a few note cases that follow. Do you:
a. Skip the dissent and the notes – the prof will go over that shit if it’s important. (0 points)
b. Skim the dissent and skip the notes – if you get lightninged you want to be able to sound semi intelligent. (1 point)
c. Read the dissent and skim the notes – sometimes the dissent is really interesting, and the notes tend to focus the decision a little more (2 points)
d. Read and brief the case and the dissent, read the notes and look up the note cases – you’ll be raising your hand on this one! (5 points)
3. There are three minutes left in your class period. The prof asks, “are there any questions?” after finishing a chapter. Do you:
a. Start shutting down your computer, but leave the screen up so it doesn’t look like you’ve stopped paying attention. She wouldn’t start a new chapter with three minutes left! (0 points)
b. Keep your notes open, but start bundling your power cord. If someone does ask a question, you’ll be able to get the answer if it’s important. (1 point)
c. Contemplate asking something, but decide to catch the prof after class since there’s so little time left. (2 points)
d. Raise your hand and ask a question about the policy behind the ruling in the last case. You’re so engrossed, you don’t even notice there’s three minutes left in class. (5 points)
4. The first draft of your appellate brief for advocacy is due in three weeks. Do you:
a. Three weeks? Pfff! That’s like 20 years in law school time. There are more pressing matters; like that fucking direct examination exercise later this week. (0 points)
b. Read through the fact pattern to get a feel for what’s going on. (1 point)
c. Read through the fact pattern and take notes, then do some preliminary research. (2 points)
d. Read the fact pattern thoroughly, research the issues, and write a rough draft. Cardozo don’t got shit on you! (5 points)
5. On-campus interviews are coming up. Do you:
a. You’ve got better things to do than suck someone’s asshole for the chance at maybe getting a job down the road. (0 points)
b. Think about doing it, but put it off until next year. (1 point)
c. Use Symplicity in any way. (5 points)
6. After a Friday night at Sweeney’s, you have the opportunity to have sex with a classmate who you find attractive. Do you:
a. So hot! Oh my God I’m drunk right now. I hope s/he doesn’t live far away. (0 points)
b. The very survival of the human race depends on sexual intercourse. It’s your duty as a member of the species to tap that ass. (1 points)
c. Have sex, but make sure s/he is fully alert and not too drunk to possibly think that s/he was taken advantage of, thereby creating a potential problem when bar exam time comes. (2 points)
d. Don’t have sex. This person is a potential colleague! If things don’t work out and you see them in a professional setting, there could be awkwardness, and it might impede your ability to zealously advocate for your client. (5 points).
Scoring
Add up your scores from the answer above, then match your total using the chart below to determine you gunnerness.
22-30: You are a gunner. You fuck up the curve. You annoy people in class. You might as well call yourself The Gunnery Sergeant and sew chevrons on your sleeves.
14-21: You are teetering on the brink of being a gunner. You often do things that make people want to punch you in the throat, but you show restraint from time to time.
7-13: You aspire to be a gunner, but weed and/or common sense prevents you from taking it to the next level.
0-6: You are a curve rider. You do what you need to do, and you drink when you’re not doing it.
School reveals new banned phrases
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
William Mitchell College of Law released a memo on Tuesday regarding a new list of terms and phrases that have been banned from use in William Mitchell classrooms. In a turn toward more traditional methods of punishment, the penalty for the use of any of these terms or phrases will range from being pelted with rotten fruit and curses (for lighter offenses) to the public flogging of bare buttocks (for repeat offenders). Stocks have already been erected in Hachey Commons for the purpose of carrying out these punishments.
The list of phrases includes a number of terms that enrage students and professors alike. These phrases include, but are not limited to:
“Slippery Slope”
“The dissent says…”
“But/For”
“Balancing Test”
“Heretofore”
Law School Professors are exempt from punishment, but are encouraged to abide by the list of proscribed terminology.
Clifford Ellipsis, head of the William Mitchell Language Prevention Department, stated that the purpose behind banning these terms was to protect the image is William Mitchell’s students. “Look,” he remarked, “The only reason that students say any of those things is to try and look smart. They all just end up looking like total douchebags. This is for their protection.”
“I’m really OK with it,” said 2L Brett Markerton. “I don’t talk like that anyway. Actually, I really hope that Stephanie from my Property class starts using these phrases left and right, because I totally want to see her bare buttocks get flogged. That’s hot.”
William Mitchell College of Law released a memo on Tuesday regarding a new list of terms and phrases that have been banned from use in William Mitchell classrooms. In a turn toward more traditional methods of punishment, the penalty for the use of any of these terms or phrases will range from being pelted with rotten fruit and curses (for lighter offenses) to the public flogging of bare buttocks (for repeat offenders). Stocks have already been erected in Hachey Commons for the purpose of carrying out these punishments.
The list of phrases includes a number of terms that enrage students and professors alike. These phrases include, but are not limited to:
“Slippery Slope”
“The dissent says…”
“But/For”
“Balancing Test”
“Heretofore”
Law School Professors are exempt from punishment, but are encouraged to abide by the list of proscribed terminology.
Clifford Ellipsis, head of the William Mitchell Language Prevention Department, stated that the purpose behind banning these terms was to protect the image is William Mitchell’s students. “Look,” he remarked, “The only reason that students say any of those things is to try and look smart. They all just end up looking like total douchebags. This is for their protection.”
“I’m really OK with it,” said 2L Brett Markerton. “I don’t talk like that anyway. Actually, I really hope that Stephanie from my Property class starts using these phrases left and right, because I totally want to see her bare buttocks get flogged. That’s hot.”
Faculty gets funky, is weird
Franz Pincer, The Stool
The 2008 Spring semester at William Mitchell has brought a number of exciting improvements to the College; like a rearranged trophy-type case in the library hallway, about fifty new flat-screen monitors posting entirely worthless information throughout the school, and a freshly funktified faculty.
To the utter mystification of students, a new swagger can be seen on certain members of the Mitchell Mix’s own, complete with an improper injection of “youth-slang”. This new vernacular seems to be a hybrid of Snoop Dogg’s specialized “izzo-speak” with the completely fantastical “Jive” spoken only in the movie “Airplane.”
“The faculty is making a concerted effort to inure good fizeelings in the student body, chill. We hope that what has heretofore been a diametrically opposed paradigm can shifty-shizz and become jiggy with the hizzos and brizzos, honky.” Said one adjunct faculty member.
Deans Janus and Thompson are even rumored to have posted pages on Facebook, which, to many students, is more weird than cool. “It’s not like they’re hangin’ loose, kickin’ it wit da stuzzos, or something. I mean, it’s a little creepy predator-like” said a 2L on condition of anonymity.
The perplexed student body continues to laugh off the complete disconnect by Mitchell staffers, but is left to ponder one very serious question: Will this be a passing fad – like a registration system that makes sense – or will we be forced to endure the new lexicon like the piece of shit excuse for artwork in the library? Hmmm.
The 2008 Spring semester at William Mitchell has brought a number of exciting improvements to the College; like a rearranged trophy-type case in the library hallway, about fifty new flat-screen monitors posting entirely worthless information throughout the school, and a freshly funktified faculty.
To the utter mystification of students, a new swagger can be seen on certain members of the Mitchell Mix’s own, complete with an improper injection of “youth-slang”. This new vernacular seems to be a hybrid of Snoop Dogg’s specialized “izzo-speak” with the completely fantastical “Jive” spoken only in the movie “Airplane.”
“The faculty is making a concerted effort to inure good fizeelings in the student body, chill. We hope that what has heretofore been a diametrically opposed paradigm can shifty-shizz and become jiggy with the hizzos and brizzos, honky.” Said one adjunct faculty member.
Deans Janus and Thompson are even rumored to have posted pages on Facebook, which, to many students, is more weird than cool. “It’s not like they’re hangin’ loose, kickin’ it wit da stuzzos, or something. I mean, it’s a little creepy predator-like” said a 2L on condition of anonymity.
The perplexed student body continues to laugh off the complete disconnect by Mitchell staffers, but is left to ponder one very serious question: Will this be a passing fad – like a registration system that makes sense – or will we be forced to endure the new lexicon like the piece of shit excuse for artwork in the library? Hmmm.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Eye Contact Leads to Awkwardness
Franz Pincer, The Stool
While completely spacing out in Property on Monday, 1L Claire Daniels found herself inadvertently staring in the direction of known loser 1L Jeffrey Gandling.
“I was like, oh shit, I just totally made eye contact with him. Great, I’m probably going to have to transfer to Hamline now.” pronounced a visibly shaken Daniels. According to friends, Daniels’ nanosecond of eye contact precipitated a string of events that will haunt her for days, possibly minutes to come.
Allegedly contemplating whether the night was a hard-liquor drunk night, or beer-drunk night, Daniels allowed her gaze to soften and fall haphazardly near the far south side of the lecture hall, dangerously close to the portion of the room cleared by all but Gandling, prompting an unwelcome wave-wink combo.
“My first thought was ‘Yesss!’” Reported Gandling. “I watched how she touched her hair while she was staring, and I knew I had a shot when I saw she wasn’t blinking.”
When Gandling approached Daniels at the bar later with a poorly concealed chubber and no game whatsoever, onlookers witnessed what has been called the most uncomfortable twenty minutes ever. “I was like, please God, make this stop! Somebody set something on fire, or just knock me out! I can’t look at it.” Accounted 1L Marie Hale. 2L Tom Stauffer agreed and added, “Dude crashed and burned so hard I almost felt bad for him. Man, I wish I had recorded that!”
A terse “Get away from me” from Daniels finally ended the ordeal to the relief of all involved, even peripherally. In spite of a particularly unsavory rumor of a spicy hook-up between the two, Daniels has launched a hostile ignoring campaign against Gandling that is expected to last throughout the semester.
While completely spacing out in Property on Monday, 1L Claire Daniels found herself inadvertently staring in the direction of known loser 1L Jeffrey Gandling.
“I was like, oh shit, I just totally made eye contact with him. Great, I’m probably going to have to transfer to Hamline now.” pronounced a visibly shaken Daniels. According to friends, Daniels’ nanosecond of eye contact precipitated a string of events that will haunt her for days, possibly minutes to come.
Allegedly contemplating whether the night was a hard-liquor drunk night, or beer-drunk night, Daniels allowed her gaze to soften and fall haphazardly near the far south side of the lecture hall, dangerously close to the portion of the room cleared by all but Gandling, prompting an unwelcome wave-wink combo.
“My first thought was ‘Yesss!’” Reported Gandling. “I watched how she touched her hair while she was staring, and I knew I had a shot when I saw she wasn’t blinking.”
When Gandling approached Daniels at the bar later with a poorly concealed chubber and no game whatsoever, onlookers witnessed what has been called the most uncomfortable twenty minutes ever. “I was like, please God, make this stop! Somebody set something on fire, or just knock me out! I can’t look at it.” Accounted 1L Marie Hale. 2L Tom Stauffer agreed and added, “Dude crashed and burned so hard I almost felt bad for him. Man, I wish I had recorded that!”
A terse “Get away from me” from Daniels finally ended the ordeal to the relief of all involved, even peripherally. In spite of a particularly unsavory rumor of a spicy hook-up between the two, Daniels has launched a hostile ignoring campaign against Gandling that is expected to last throughout the semester.
Class baffled by professor’s recitation of Prince song
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
The reactions in a Wednesday night Family Law class ranged from shocked silence to amused giggles when their professor began the evening’s lecture on Alimony. Professor Olsenberg, an adjunct professor in his first semester at William Mitchell, started class by breaking into song.
“He just busted into ‘Pussy Control’,” laughed Raymond Elkhund, a 3L. “I seriously couldn’t believe it.”
The extremely sexual song, which begins “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen / all you boys and motherfucking girls”, explicitly details many different aspects of an adult relationship. “I just figured that the song was very relevant to what we were talking about,” stated Olsenberg, who appeared for our interview wearing a ruffled purple shirt and skin-tight, assless pants. “So many of the topics that we discuss in Family Law boil right down to this song’s theme: Pussy Control. It just seemed natural.”
Many members of his class weren’t so sure, and some even complained to the Dean. When asked what he thought about this, Olsenberg replied, “Mothafuckaz need to chill out, mmmhmm,” and snapped his fingers.
The reactions in a Wednesday night Family Law class ranged from shocked silence to amused giggles when their professor began the evening’s lecture on Alimony. Professor Olsenberg, an adjunct professor in his first semester at William Mitchell, started class by breaking into song.
“He just busted into ‘Pussy Control’,” laughed Raymond Elkhund, a 3L. “I seriously couldn’t believe it.”
The extremely sexual song, which begins “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen / all you boys and motherfucking girls”, explicitly details many different aspects of an adult relationship. “I just figured that the song was very relevant to what we were talking about,” stated Olsenberg, who appeared for our interview wearing a ruffled purple shirt and skin-tight, assless pants. “So many of the topics that we discuss in Family Law boil right down to this song’s theme: Pussy Control. It just seemed natural.”
Many members of his class weren’t so sure, and some even complained to the Dean. When asked what he thought about this, Olsenberg replied, “Mothafuckaz need to chill out, mmmhmm,” and snapped his fingers.
Mitchell to Open Community Theater
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Representatives for Mitchell announced Wednesday the launch of a new Community Theater program offered exclusively to non-students of WMCL. The program, temporarily dubbed “The Mitchell Mingle” will be a monthly evening showcase for semi-talented Mitchell neighbors with tri-weekly rehearsals.
“We have been looking for ways to invite non-students into our school and our facilities. This just seemed like a totally out-there, non-relevant thing to do.” Said a Dean, adding, “They’ll mostly be here at night anyway, so there’s nothing else important happening.”
Reports of the new theater group have come with some derision, especially from night students. “HellOOO, what about night students?? We are here at night!” protested part time 2L Sheila Albertson, adding “it’s already impossible to park, now all the free spots are ‘reserved for thespians’?! What the fuck is that?!”
4L Matthew Bender was also torqued up over the news. “It was bad enough when there were just random pre-law events and networking socials. Now I hear they’re adding a knitting circle. A knitting circle!! Why?” he screetched, breathless after walking from all the way from Grotto.
Other administrative personnel were unavailable for comment, but suggested part time students collectively shut their pie holes, and get to the back of the school already, Christ.
Representatives for Mitchell announced Wednesday the launch of a new Community Theater program offered exclusively to non-students of WMCL. The program, temporarily dubbed “The Mitchell Mingle” will be a monthly evening showcase for semi-talented Mitchell neighbors with tri-weekly rehearsals.
“We have been looking for ways to invite non-students into our school and our facilities. This just seemed like a totally out-there, non-relevant thing to do.” Said a Dean, adding, “They’ll mostly be here at night anyway, so there’s nothing else important happening.”
Reports of the new theater group have come with some derision, especially from night students. “HellOOO, what about night students?? We are here at night!” protested part time 2L Sheila Albertson, adding “it’s already impossible to park, now all the free spots are ‘reserved for thespians’?! What the fuck is that?!”
4L Matthew Bender was also torqued up over the news. “It was bad enough when there were just random pre-law events and networking socials. Now I hear they’re adding a knitting circle. A knitting circle!! Why?” he screetched, breathless after walking from all the way from Grotto.
Other administrative personnel were unavailable for comment, but suggested part time students collectively shut their pie holes, and get to the back of the school already, Christ.
3L reaches breaking point
Beaver Hunt, The Stool
When 3L Rachel Wyland had enough of the constant barrage of sexist and racist remarks made by Professor Mitsubishi in a useless, non-bar class last fall, she decided to do something about it. “He would always make shitty comments in every class and follow them up with ‘Did you know I have tenure?’, as if that made it okay,” said Wyland. “I’m not easily offended, but when you go to class every week and have to sit and listen to your prof make comments about how women are stupid, it starts to piss you off.”
Wyland came to her breaking point during one class discussion when Mitsubishi asked 2L Troy Larkin and 3L Amy Bills to argue opposite sides of an issue, during which Mitsubishi asked Larkin to: “tell us why Amy isn’t an ignorant slut.” “That was enough for me, so I said: ‘how about you tell us why your daughter isn’t a dumb whore?”
According to reports, Mitsubishi then flew into a rage and proceeded to sprint up to Wyland’s seat and shriek ‘I HAVE TENURE!!! I HAVE TENURE!!!’”.
The Stool has learned that Professor Mitsubishi is not teaching any classes at all this semester. After digging deeper, one unnamed source told us “He’s on a forced sabbatical to a mental institution that specializes in rage disorders.”
When 3L Rachel Wyland had enough of the constant barrage of sexist and racist remarks made by Professor Mitsubishi in a useless, non-bar class last fall, she decided to do something about it. “He would always make shitty comments in every class and follow them up with ‘Did you know I have tenure?’, as if that made it okay,” said Wyland. “I’m not easily offended, but when you go to class every week and have to sit and listen to your prof make comments about how women are stupid, it starts to piss you off.”
Wyland came to her breaking point during one class discussion when Mitsubishi asked 2L Troy Larkin and 3L Amy Bills to argue opposite sides of an issue, during which Mitsubishi asked Larkin to: “tell us why Amy isn’t an ignorant slut.” “That was enough for me, so I said: ‘how about you tell us why your daughter isn’t a dumb whore?”
According to reports, Mitsubishi then flew into a rage and proceeded to sprint up to Wyland’s seat and shriek ‘I HAVE TENURE!!! I HAVE TENURE!!!’”.
The Stool has learned that Professor Mitsubishi is not teaching any classes at all this semester. After digging deeper, one unnamed source told us “He’s on a forced sabbatical to a mental institution that specializes in rage disorders.”
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Loogie won't go down drinking fountain drain
Hans Olo, The Stool
It had been a particularly dry classroom as 1L Horace Grant stepped out of Torts II last Monday to get a drink of water. “I could feel a big frog in my throat, so I left class to grab a drink of water,” said Grant. “As I was walking to the fountain I hawked a loogie that I knew I had to get rid of, but I didn’t want to go all the way into the bathroom because I was already missing class. So I did the old ‘spit it in the fountain while pretending to get a drink trick, and the damn thing got stuck in those little metal circle things that cover the drain. I looked around to make sure no one was waiting to use it, then I just walked away.”
“I know what you’re going to say, and you can fucking forget it,” said Grant. “I was NOT going to put my fingers on that nasty-ass drain to force it through. No no. I heard some kid got AIDS doing that.”
The loogie in turn caused well above-average use of the shorter fountain to its left. “I’m not looking at that filth while I take a drink,” said 2L Anne Grobien. “I have a really low gag reflex and that probably would have made me start looking like a cat with a furball.”
It had been a particularly dry classroom as 1L Horace Grant stepped out of Torts II last Monday to get a drink of water. “I could feel a big frog in my throat, so I left class to grab a drink of water,” said Grant. “As I was walking to the fountain I hawked a loogie that I knew I had to get rid of, but I didn’t want to go all the way into the bathroom because I was already missing class. So I did the old ‘spit it in the fountain while pretending to get a drink trick, and the damn thing got stuck in those little metal circle things that cover the drain. I looked around to make sure no one was waiting to use it, then I just walked away.”
“I know what you’re going to say, and you can fucking forget it,” said Grant. “I was NOT going to put my fingers on that nasty-ass drain to force it through. No no. I heard some kid got AIDS doing that.”
The loogie in turn caused well above-average use of the shorter fountain to its left. “I’m not looking at that filth while I take a drink,” said 2L Anne Grobien. “I have a really low gag reflex and that probably would have made me start looking like a cat with a furball.”
In-class comment seemed funnier before said
Jed Anderson, The Stool
During a recent large section Advocacy class, 2L Mitch Henders thought he would “riff” with professor Knapp while the professor spoke dramatically about depositions. “He was talking about the amount of questions you could ask a witness, saying ‘you could have a small pool that would only get you a small number of answers, or a big pool that would get you a larger number of answers. Then he turns to me and says, ‘so young man? Which is better – small or large?’ and I heard myself say ‘that’s what SHE said!’ thinking everyone would laugh. But that’s not what happened.”
In fact, witnesses tell us that the class suddenly fell into a deep silence while Knapp scrambled for a graceful way to ease the tension. “I instantly wanted to crawl under the table when that dude said that,” said 3L Lois Martinson. “I mean Jesus Christ! What the hell was he doing?”
Exacerbating the problem was the fact that professor Grose then asked, “wait, what do you mean? What does size have to do with anything a woman would ask?”
During a recent large section Advocacy class, 2L Mitch Henders thought he would “riff” with professor Knapp while the professor spoke dramatically about depositions. “He was talking about the amount of questions you could ask a witness, saying ‘you could have a small pool that would only get you a small number of answers, or a big pool that would get you a larger number of answers. Then he turns to me and says, ‘so young man? Which is better – small or large?’ and I heard myself say ‘that’s what SHE said!’ thinking everyone would laugh. But that’s not what happened.”
In fact, witnesses tell us that the class suddenly fell into a deep silence while Knapp scrambled for a graceful way to ease the tension. “I instantly wanted to crawl under the table when that dude said that,” said 3L Lois Martinson. “I mean Jesus Christ! What the hell was he doing?”
Exacerbating the problem was the fact that professor Grose then asked, “wait, what do you mean? What does size have to do with anything a woman would ask?”
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Professor Adored, Students Mocked
Franz Pincer, The Stool
A gaggle of students was recently observed huddled around Professor Radsan after a particularly vigorous Criminal Procedure lecture. The group was lingering to discuss that last really funny comment Radsan made about Scalia’s dissent in Wong Sun, but classmates believe it to be pure ass-kissing that left them loitering.
“What a bunch of Gunners!” laughed 3L Ally Ashby, “Like everyone doesn’t know they are all hanging around to suck up to him for participation points. Why don’t they just suck his dick!”
Noting that the group was made up of over-eager class participants, 2L Jay LaFrugh was overheard muttering insults as he became visibly whipped up during last Thursday’s class. “Seriously, you aren’t the only ones who read the fucking cases, God! Do you think you’re cool ‘cause you read the whole dissent? What the eff you grade-mongering douchebags!! If you fuck the curve I will fucking waste you!!”
One curve-fucking douchebag was questioned about [her] Professorial adoration and gushed, “He is just so incredibly brilliant! Do you know he reads French novels during the breaks? He has like a totally encyclopedic knowledge of judicial opinions - in chronological order!” Added another "Team Rad" member, “He is ex-CIA, do you have any idea what that means? He could make you go mentally retarded just by staring at you.”
No one has yet been reported as going retarded from the gaze of Radsan, but at the time of this writing no student was known to have actually sustained eye contact with the professor.
A gaggle of students was recently observed huddled around Professor Radsan after a particularly vigorous Criminal Procedure lecture. The group was lingering to discuss that last really funny comment Radsan made about Scalia’s dissent in Wong Sun, but classmates believe it to be pure ass-kissing that left them loitering.
“What a bunch of Gunners!” laughed 3L Ally Ashby, “Like everyone doesn’t know they are all hanging around to suck up to him for participation points. Why don’t they just suck his dick!”
Noting that the group was made up of over-eager class participants, 2L Jay LaFrugh was overheard muttering insults as he became visibly whipped up during last Thursday’s class. “Seriously, you aren’t the only ones who read the fucking cases, God! Do you think you’re cool ‘cause you read the whole dissent? What the eff you grade-mongering douchebags!! If you fuck the curve I will fucking waste you!!”
One curve-fucking douchebag was questioned about [her] Professorial adoration and gushed, “He is just so incredibly brilliant! Do you know he reads French novels during the breaks? He has like a totally encyclopedic knowledge of judicial opinions - in chronological order!” Added another "Team Rad" member, “He is ex-CIA, do you have any idea what that means? He could make you go mentally retarded just by staring at you.”
No one has yet been reported as going retarded from the gaze of Radsan, but at the time of this writing no student was known to have actually sustained eye contact with the professor.
Class sniffer subject of simultaneous IM conversations
Hans Olo, The Stool
When a student suffering from a runny nose in 2L Dana Hall’s family law class sniffed through the entire lecture, the nearby students vented their frustrations via instant messages.
“He would NOT stop sniffing,” Hall told us. “It was every like five seconds and *SNIFF*. I thought I was going to go fucking insane. My friend Andrea and I were IMing about different ways we could get him to stop – most involved punching him in the balls or slashing his eyeball with a piece of paper. I don’t have the slighted idea what the lecture was about.”
Little did Hall know, other students were also IMing about the offending sniffer. “Oh yeah,” said 2L Mark Miwnew. “I heard that fucker. It was hard not to. I IMed my buddy that maybe we should give him a Kleenex or a paper towel or something, then that degenerated into what his nickname should be. By the end of class we were pretty pissed off, so now we call him ‘Skullfucker.’ Skullfucker might be a nice guy. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Fuck him.”
When a student suffering from a runny nose in 2L Dana Hall’s family law class sniffed through the entire lecture, the nearby students vented their frustrations via instant messages.
“He would NOT stop sniffing,” Hall told us. “It was every like five seconds and *SNIFF*. I thought I was going to go fucking insane. My friend Andrea and I were IMing about different ways we could get him to stop – most involved punching him in the balls or slashing his eyeball with a piece of paper. I don’t have the slighted idea what the lecture was about.”
Little did Hall know, other students were also IMing about the offending sniffer. “Oh yeah,” said 2L Mark Miwnew. “I heard that fucker. It was hard not to. I IMed my buddy that maybe we should give him a Kleenex or a paper towel or something, then that degenerated into what his nickname should be. By the end of class we were pretty pissed off, so now we call him ‘Skullfucker.’ Skullfucker might be a nice guy. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Fuck him.”
3L Off the Chili
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Billy Numack is officially off the cafeteria chili. “That pot of stank really did a number on my GI. Five semesters of consuming that molten gutrot and I practically need a colostomy bag! It literally ripped me a new asshole!” Numack complained Thursday.
Forced to endure a strict regimen of Diet Coke and Saltine crackers, Numack is one of many victims of cafeteria poisoning known locally as “Crapeteritis”. Not to be confused with actual poisoning, Crapeteritis is a rare digestive disorder resulting from repeated ingestion of highly delicious but only semi-digestible, high-calorie, low-nutrient foods that make one feel like ass.
1L Mandy Ginkell was helpful in diagnosing her fellow student’s acute Itis. “I knew right away that [2L Bars Lafely] been swilling that cafeteria slop when I saw him lurking near the bathroom. He kept clutching his stomach, and his upper lip was sweating pretty profusely. I was a nutrition major at Gustavus.” According to Ginkell, other signs that students are suffering from the Itis include: excessive and unclaimed gas usually emitted during lecture or crop-dusted in hallways; retching; that wafting stench in the hallway between the one private men’s room and the cafeteria; constipation; diarrhea and dry mouth.
Cafeteria officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the school suggested alternating the chili with other tasty food substitutes such as chicken fingers, tasteless pizza and Pop Tarts.
Billy Numack is officially off the cafeteria chili. “That pot of stank really did a number on my GI. Five semesters of consuming that molten gutrot and I practically need a colostomy bag! It literally ripped me a new asshole!” Numack complained Thursday.
Forced to endure a strict regimen of Diet Coke and Saltine crackers, Numack is one of many victims of cafeteria poisoning known locally as “Crapeteritis”. Not to be confused with actual poisoning, Crapeteritis is a rare digestive disorder resulting from repeated ingestion of highly delicious but only semi-digestible, high-calorie, low-nutrient foods that make one feel like ass.
1L Mandy Ginkell was helpful in diagnosing her fellow student’s acute Itis. “I knew right away that [2L Bars Lafely] been swilling that cafeteria slop when I saw him lurking near the bathroom. He kept clutching his stomach, and his upper lip was sweating pretty profusely. I was a nutrition major at Gustavus.” According to Ginkell, other signs that students are suffering from the Itis include: excessive and unclaimed gas usually emitted during lecture or crop-dusted in hallways; retching; that wafting stench in the hallway between the one private men’s room and the cafeteria; constipation; diarrhea and dry mouth.
Cafeteria officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the school suggested alternating the chili with other tasty food substitutes such as chicken fingers, tasteless pizza and Pop Tarts.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Funky Smell Detected
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Curious grimaces and wrinkled noses peppered the faces of unwitting students and faculty last week when re-entering Mitchell after the break. While sources labor to uncover the source of the peculiar new aroma, the great thinkers and sniffers of the Mitchell Mix were hard at work devising theories as to the origin and/or reactive agents that could be to blame.
“I think they recarpeted,” pondered 1L Jane Witson adding, “possibly to cover up the stink of diarrhea from post-exam shit attacks.” Several sniffers from the part-time 3L constituency believe something far more sinister is afoot. “It smells like someone gutted a bear, and an old diaper, and got like, a chemical burn,” mused Scott Maxweed.
“No, it smells like someone puked in a shoe. A big ass clown shoe from that shitbeast Chris Dessing!” Said PT3L Amy Liedner.
Other stories of origin spanned from scientific classification to pure comic conjecture. 2L and IP student Mary Dupree suggested “Maybe it’s a combination of the NaCl from the ice-melt with the perfluoro-octane sulfonate in the stain-resistant treatment of the carpeting,” furthering suspicion that blame lays squarely with the new carpeting.
This theory was supported due to its sturdy chemical foundation until 4L Chuck Berring pointed out that there isn’t actually any new carpeting in the school, just a funky odor that reminded him of his golden retriever that time he gave it beer and Doritos.
While several hypotheses have been discussed, the most popular scent definitions seem to shift between “Bigfoot’s dick” and “your mom’s ass.”
When questioned by Stool staffers, the only faculty available for comment was Professor Doug Heidenreich who smiled cheerfully and said, “Ahh, the smell of fear. It’s good to be home.”
Curious grimaces and wrinkled noses peppered the faces of unwitting students and faculty last week when re-entering Mitchell after the break. While sources labor to uncover the source of the peculiar new aroma, the great thinkers and sniffers of the Mitchell Mix were hard at work devising theories as to the origin and/or reactive agents that could be to blame.
“I think they recarpeted,” pondered 1L Jane Witson adding, “possibly to cover up the stink of diarrhea from post-exam shit attacks.” Several sniffers from the part-time 3L constituency believe something far more sinister is afoot. “It smells like someone gutted a bear, and an old diaper, and got like, a chemical burn,” mused Scott Maxweed.
“No, it smells like someone puked in a shoe. A big ass clown shoe from that shitbeast Chris Dessing!” Said PT3L Amy Liedner.
Other stories of origin spanned from scientific classification to pure comic conjecture. 2L and IP student Mary Dupree suggested “Maybe it’s a combination of the NaCl from the ice-melt with the perfluoro-octane sulfonate in the stain-resistant treatment of the carpeting,” furthering suspicion that blame lays squarely with the new carpeting.
This theory was supported due to its sturdy chemical foundation until 4L Chuck Berring pointed out that there isn’t actually any new carpeting in the school, just a funky odor that reminded him of his golden retriever that time he gave it beer and Doritos.
While several hypotheses have been discussed, the most popular scent definitions seem to shift between “Bigfoot’s dick” and “your mom’s ass.”
When questioned by Stool staffers, the only faculty available for comment was Professor Doug Heidenreich who smiled cheerfully and said, “Ahh, the smell of fear. It’s good to be home.”
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Awkward hellos offered on first days of new semester
Hans Olo, The Stool
Students returned to the halls of William Mitchell this week, and many class acquaintances reconnected with either a short wave or a forced conversation.
“I saw this chick who was in my Copyrights class as I was sitting in the cafeteria thing, and waved to her” said 3L Ryan Nolan. “She came over and I was like ‘oh fuck. What the hell are we going to talk about?’ After the ‘how was your break’ and ‘that final wasn’t too bad’ conversations were over, I had nothing. Luckily she had to go to class.”
Many Mitchell students have faced similar situations this week. “I was walking to evidence and I saw someone who was in my tax class, but never talked to” 2L Lois Duncen told us. I was kind of looking at her out of the corner of my eye as she was coming towards me down the hall in case she waved or something. She looked at me as we were passing and said ‘hi,’ so I had to do the weird turn-around ‘hi’ thing. I hope she heard me, I don’t want to look like a bitch.”
Students returned to the halls of William Mitchell this week, and many class acquaintances reconnected with either a short wave or a forced conversation.
“I saw this chick who was in my Copyrights class as I was sitting in the cafeteria thing, and waved to her” said 3L Ryan Nolan. “She came over and I was like ‘oh fuck. What the hell are we going to talk about?’ After the ‘how was your break’ and ‘that final wasn’t too bad’ conversations were over, I had nothing. Luckily she had to go to class.”
Many Mitchell students have faced similar situations this week. “I was walking to evidence and I saw someone who was in my tax class, but never talked to” 2L Lois Duncen told us. I was kind of looking at her out of the corner of my eye as she was coming towards me down the hall in case she waved or something. She looked at me as we were passing and said ‘hi,’ so I had to do the weird turn-around ‘hi’ thing. I hope she heard me, I don’t want to look like a bitch.”
2L "wins," spazzes out
Franz Pincer, The Stool
After sweating out three full semesters of law school, 2L Les Grueber was amazed Tuesday to discover he had won. Grueber was astonished by his good fortune after picking up a particularly fit con law exam, noting his almost bragable A- grade complete with plucky commentary.
“I am completely freaking out,” Grueber gushed, “Jordan actually wrote me a note; it said ‘that’s the bugaboo’! I have no idea what that means, but now I know, you know? I mean I get it!! All this time I totally thought I couldn’t win! Woo Hoooo!!!!”
It has been speculated that a near perfect grasp of the dormant commerce clause in question two of the Powers final is what really solidified the win for Grueber, who has been spotted feeling unduly satisfied in Hachey to the irritation of fellow Hachey occupants.
Most other members of the Con Law section 4 class didn’t win. “That exam was the worst experience of my life,” Lamented classmate Keesha Riley, who added “Why does [the professor] hate us? He totally ruined Christmas!” before pounding several jager shots. She then threw up on herself.
When asked about the alleged “win,” 3L onlookers were unimpressed. Most noted that the uninvited ass-pounding one experiences during exams can take its toll, but once your soul has been destroyed by WRAP, there really aren’t any surprises anymore.
“Yeah, I wanted to beat the revelry right off that idiot’s fat head.” Said 3L Pete Schack. “But then I realized he is taking Advocacy which…should pretty much take care of things. Professor Knapp and his adjuncts will put a repeated smack down on that boastful fuckstain any day now.
After sweating out three full semesters of law school, 2L Les Grueber was amazed Tuesday to discover he had won. Grueber was astonished by his good fortune after picking up a particularly fit con law exam, noting his almost bragable A- grade complete with plucky commentary.
“I am completely freaking out,” Grueber gushed, “Jordan actually wrote me a note; it said ‘that’s the bugaboo’! I have no idea what that means, but now I know, you know? I mean I get it!! All this time I totally thought I couldn’t win! Woo Hoooo!!!!”
It has been speculated that a near perfect grasp of the dormant commerce clause in question two of the Powers final is what really solidified the win for Grueber, who has been spotted feeling unduly satisfied in Hachey to the irritation of fellow Hachey occupants.
Most other members of the Con Law section 4 class didn’t win. “That exam was the worst experience of my life,” Lamented classmate Keesha Riley, who added “Why does [the professor] hate us? He totally ruined Christmas!” before pounding several jager shots. She then threw up on herself.
When asked about the alleged “win,” 3L onlookers were unimpressed. Most noted that the uninvited ass-pounding one experiences during exams can take its toll, but once your soul has been destroyed by WRAP, there really aren’t any surprises anymore.
“Yeah, I wanted to beat the revelry right off that idiot’s fat head.” Said 3L Pete Schack. “But then I realized he is taking Advocacy which…should pretty much take care of things. Professor Knapp and his adjuncts will put a repeated smack down on that boastful fuckstain any day now.
3L tired of being told class participation is important
Kandice Neksne, The Stool
While Russ Stengel’s Agency prof went over the new syllabus during the first day of class this week, Stengel was displeased to see that 30% of his grade would come from class participation. “I would like to be left the hell alone is what I would like,” said Stengel. “I’m tired of mustering up the courage to talk in class two or three times a semester so the prof can cut me off at the knees. I just want to take notes, play some minesweeper, and do a little internet shopping. Is that too much to ask?”
For many profs, the answer evidently is "yes." “It’s nice when students chime in,” one professor told us on condition of anonymity. “when they do, I always get that ‘wow you’re an idiot, and I’m smart, and you’re in law school and I’m not’ rush. I live for it. It’s basically the whole reason I decided to teach.”
Some students, however, revel in the chance to bore their peers with inane blather a minute and twenty seconds before class is over. Those students are often the subject of many Sweeney’s and Billy’s-inspired bitch-sessions, and historically go on to become PI or tax attorneys.
While Russ Stengel’s Agency prof went over the new syllabus during the first day of class this week, Stengel was displeased to see that 30% of his grade would come from class participation. “I would like to be left the hell alone is what I would like,” said Stengel. “I’m tired of mustering up the courage to talk in class two or three times a semester so the prof can cut me off at the knees. I just want to take notes, play some minesweeper, and do a little internet shopping. Is that too much to ask?”
For many profs, the answer evidently is "yes." “It’s nice when students chime in,” one professor told us on condition of anonymity. “when they do, I always get that ‘wow you’re an idiot, and I’m smart, and you’re in law school and I’m not’ rush. I live for it. It’s basically the whole reason I decided to teach.”
Some students, however, revel in the chance to bore their peers with inane blather a minute and twenty seconds before class is over. Those students are often the subject of many Sweeney’s and Billy’s-inspired bitch-sessions, and historically go on to become PI or tax attorneys.
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