Hans Olo, The Stool
When a student suffering from a runny nose in 2L Dana Hall’s family law class sniffed through the entire lecture, the nearby students vented their frustrations via instant messages.
“He would NOT stop sniffing,” Hall told us. “It was every like five seconds and *SNIFF*. I thought I was going to go fucking insane. My friend Andrea and I were IMing about different ways we could get him to stop – most involved punching him in the balls or slashing his eyeball with a piece of paper. I don’t have the slighted idea what the lecture was about.”
Little did Hall know, other students were also IMing about the offending sniffer. “Oh yeah,” said 2L Mark Miwnew. “I heard that fucker. It was hard not to. I IMed my buddy that maybe we should give him a Kleenex or a paper towel or something, then that degenerated into what his nickname should be. By the end of class we were pretty pissed off, so now we call him ‘Skullfucker.’ Skullfucker might be a nice guy. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Fuck him.”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.