Tom Leet, The Stool
During one of William Mitchell’s biweekly diversity surveys, 1L Curt Jienrich admitted to the interviewer that his decision to attend law school rested on the idea that he would meet an attractive, soon-to-be attorney akin to the titular character of “Will and Grace” who would sweep him off his feet.
“I mean, like, what the fuck!? Where are all the gay hotties?” Jienrich asked as he snapped a piece of pink bubble gum. “I came to law school for a degree and piece of ass once a week. Instead, I’m surrounded by a bunch of balding, fat, turds that are just like every other breeder in this goddamn school! Do you know how fucking disturbing it is when you think you see a cute boy walking down hall and it turns out to be Prof. Grose?”
As Jienrich finished his informal survey, Mary Dove walked by in a pair of four-inch pumps.
“Girrrrrl! I love your shoes! They are fierce!”
Friday, March 28, 2008
Lack of News Horrifies Student Group Leadership
Tom Leet, The Stool
Midway through the semester and under pressure to spend their budgets, student group leaders have realized that their groups don’t actually do anything or have anything significant to say. Jane Ingbar, President of Beta Theta Phi law fraternity, silently left the organization’s first general meeting of the semester last Thursday close to tears.
“I don’t understand what happened. I had a two-page outline for Christ’s sake!” said Ingbar. “Two pages! And the pizza was ten minutes late so I seriously thought I could shoot the shit with the other members – you know, kill some time – turns out, I don’t really know any of these people. How the hell are you supposed to talk to people you don’t even know?
“Well, regardless, of the panic that set in while waiting for the delivery guy, I was halfway through my outline five minutes into the meeting! Do you know!?! Do you have any fucking idea what that’s like!?!”
Ingbar then suddenly became silent as her lips continued to move while she wildly gesticulated, but nothing audible came out of her mouth. Somewhere in the distance, a dog howled.
Billy Anderson, Beta Theta Phi’s vice-president, walked up behind his organization’s head officer and slowly led her away.
“And you, cock head!,” said a rearticulate Ingbar. “Why don’t you fucking say something?!? All you do is sit there and eat the pizza!”
Midway through the semester and under pressure to spend their budgets, student group leaders have realized that their groups don’t actually do anything or have anything significant to say. Jane Ingbar, President of Beta Theta Phi law fraternity, silently left the organization’s first general meeting of the semester last Thursday close to tears.
“I don’t understand what happened. I had a two-page outline for Christ’s sake!” said Ingbar. “Two pages! And the pizza was ten minutes late so I seriously thought I could shoot the shit with the other members – you know, kill some time – turns out, I don’t really know any of these people. How the hell are you supposed to talk to people you don’t even know?
“Well, regardless, of the panic that set in while waiting for the delivery guy, I was halfway through my outline five minutes into the meeting! Do you know!?! Do you have any fucking idea what that’s like!?!”
Ingbar then suddenly became silent as her lips continued to move while she wildly gesticulated, but nothing audible came out of her mouth. Somewhere in the distance, a dog howled.
Billy Anderson, Beta Theta Phi’s vice-president, walked up behind his organization’s head officer and slowly led her away.
“And you, cock head!,” said a rearticulate Ingbar. “Why don’t you fucking say something?!? All you do is sit there and eat the pizza!”
Thursday, March 20, 2008
1L plans transfer to warmer climes
Hans Olo, The Stool
“If WRAP is any indication of what Advocacy will be like, then I have to get the hell out of here,” said 1L Marlene Perkins. “I’ve been looking around at schools out of state, and I think I want to move somewhere a little warmer.”
Perkins stumbled on her new transfer school of choice while shopping for luggage on half.com during a large section class period of WRAP last week. “This place looks fantastic,” Perkins told us, pointing to her laptop screen. “It’s in Arizona, it’s a really good school, and it doesn’t have skills classes requirements.”
The school that piqued Perkins’ interest, the University of Phoenix, will offer an unaccredited J.D. program for the first time next fall.
“We’re very excited about our new law program,” said University of Phoenix Director of Admissions Martin Cheselwick. “We’re going to do all that stuff other law schools do, but we’ll do it all online. Ms. Perkins can move here if she wants, but it’s not necessary.”
“Online law schools are the wave of the future,” Perkins reassured us. “You suckers can sit there and learn about wills and tax and that crap, but will you have a course on court reporting? No. What about project management or an introduction to criminal justice careers? No and No. It’s time for fun in the sun, bitches! I haven’t been able to find a picture of their campus yet, but I’m sure it’s huge.”
“If WRAP is any indication of what Advocacy will be like, then I have to get the hell out of here,” said 1L Marlene Perkins. “I’ve been looking around at schools out of state, and I think I want to move somewhere a little warmer.”
Perkins stumbled on her new transfer school of choice while shopping for luggage on half.com during a large section class period of WRAP last week. “This place looks fantastic,” Perkins told us, pointing to her laptop screen. “It’s in Arizona, it’s a really good school, and it doesn’t have skills classes requirements.”
The school that piqued Perkins’ interest, the University of Phoenix, will offer an unaccredited J.D. program for the first time next fall.
“We’re very excited about our new law program,” said University of Phoenix Director of Admissions Martin Cheselwick. “We’re going to do all that stuff other law schools do, but we’ll do it all online. Ms. Perkins can move here if she wants, but it’s not necessary.”
“Online law schools are the wave of the future,” Perkins reassured us. “You suckers can sit there and learn about wills and tax and that crap, but will you have a course on court reporting? No. What about project management or an introduction to criminal justice careers? No and No. It’s time for fun in the sun, bitches! I haven’t been able to find a picture of their campus yet, but I’m sure it’s huge.”
PILF Auction features paint-by-wiener
Beaver Hunt, The Stool
1L Craig Montana got more than he bargained for in a recent PILF auction bid. “I remember a few weeks ago when Professor Kleinberger showed our contracts class this artwork that had been painted using body parts instead of brushes,” said Montana. “He showed us this painting of a flower that was done by the artist dipping his wiener and ballsack in paint and then creating a picture with his junk.”
Earlier this week, Montana noticed an interesting painting in the PILF auction that he thought would make a handsome addition to his apartment’s décor. “After I put in my top bid, I went to look at the painting again and noticed the work was signed by Kleinberger and smelled faintly of meat. Then I took a closer look and noticed a short-and-curly frozen in the paint. It was then that I realized I had bid on wiener art.”
As news of the wiener art circulated around campus, bids began pouring in. “We’ve had an unprecedented number of bids for the painting entitled ‘Payroll Evidence,’” said Sue Dorothy, PILF coordinator. The high bid is currently at $12,400 by Professor Kleinberger.
1L Craig Montana got more than he bargained for in a recent PILF auction bid. “I remember a few weeks ago when Professor Kleinberger showed our contracts class this artwork that had been painted using body parts instead of brushes,” said Montana. “He showed us this painting of a flower that was done by the artist dipping his wiener and ballsack in paint and then creating a picture with his junk.”
Earlier this week, Montana noticed an interesting painting in the PILF auction that he thought would make a handsome addition to his apartment’s décor. “After I put in my top bid, I went to look at the painting again and noticed the work was signed by Kleinberger and smelled faintly of meat. Then I took a closer look and noticed a short-and-curly frozen in the paint. It was then that I realized I had bid on wiener art.”
As news of the wiener art circulated around campus, bids began pouring in. “We’ve had an unprecedented number of bids for the painting entitled ‘Payroll Evidence,’” said Sue Dorothy, PILF coordinator. The high bid is currently at $12,400 by Professor Kleinberger.
Former Mitchell student wanted to move back to Africa anyway
Michelle Clark, The Stool
The man voted “most likely to be disbarred” by his classmates is enjoying life in his native Cameroon. “I didn’t want to stay in shitty America anyway,” said Djab Uying via phone. “When the corrupt U.S. government charged me with [crimes] I did not commit, I decided to leave, since I was probably going to leave soon on my own anyway.”
Uying is unable to practice law in Cameroon, but is staying busy with other pursuits. “I’ve constructed a very fashionable corrugated tin manse for myself, and have had numerous requests from my neighbors to build tin dwellings for them as well. I plan to parlay my building skills into many thousands of US dollars.”
Although lacking plumbing, electricity, and windows of any kind, Uying has recently upgraded his dwelling to include a slit-trench latrine “away from the cooking pit so everything is sanitary.”
When asked what the future holds, Uying brims with confidence. “I became adept at copying people’s handwriting while in the land of the infidels. With this knowledge, and my construction business, I plan to be a very successful international businessman soon.” Our conversation was then cut off as Uying began fighting with another man over spending too much time on the village telephone.
The man voted “most likely to be disbarred” by his classmates is enjoying life in his native Cameroon. “I didn’t want to stay in shitty America anyway,” said Djab Uying via phone. “When the corrupt U.S. government charged me with [crimes] I did not commit, I decided to leave, since I was probably going to leave soon on my own anyway.”
Uying is unable to practice law in Cameroon, but is staying busy with other pursuits. “I’ve constructed a very fashionable corrugated tin manse for myself, and have had numerous requests from my neighbors to build tin dwellings for them as well. I plan to parlay my building skills into many thousands of US dollars.”
Although lacking plumbing, electricity, and windows of any kind, Uying has recently upgraded his dwelling to include a slit-trench latrine “away from the cooking pit so everything is sanitary.”
When asked what the future holds, Uying brims with confidence. “I became adept at copying people’s handwriting while in the land of the infidels. With this knowledge, and my construction business, I plan to be a very successful international businessman soon.” Our conversation was then cut off as Uying began fighting with another man over spending too much time on the village telephone.
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