Michelle Clark, The Stool
The man voted “most likely to be disbarred” by his classmates is enjoying life in his native Cameroon. “I didn’t want to stay in shitty America anyway,” said Djab Uying via phone. “When the corrupt U.S. government charged me with [crimes] I did not commit, I decided to leave, since I was probably going to leave soon on my own anyway.”
Uying is unable to practice law in Cameroon, but is staying busy with other pursuits. “I’ve constructed a very fashionable corrugated tin manse for myself, and have had numerous requests from my neighbors to build tin dwellings for them as well. I plan to parlay my building skills into many thousands of US dollars.”
Although lacking plumbing, electricity, and windows of any kind, Uying has recently upgraded his dwelling to include a slit-trench latrine “away from the cooking pit so everything is sanitary.”
When asked what the future holds, Uying brims with confidence. “I became adept at copying people’s handwriting while in the land of the infidels. With this knowledge, and my construction business, I plan to be a very successful international businessman soon.” Our conversation was then cut off as Uying began fighting with another man over spending too much time on the village telephone.
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
Disclaimer
The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.