Hans Olo, The Stool
“If WRAP is any indication of what Advocacy will be like, then I have to get the hell out of here,” said 1L Marlene Perkins. “I’ve been looking around at schools out of state, and I think I want to move somewhere a little warmer.”
Perkins stumbled on her new transfer school of choice while shopping for luggage on half.com during a large section class period of WRAP last week. “This place looks fantastic,” Perkins told us, pointing to her laptop screen. “It’s in Arizona, it’s a really good school, and it doesn’t have skills classes requirements.”
The school that piqued Perkins’ interest, the University of Phoenix, will offer an unaccredited J.D. program for the first time next fall.
“We’re very excited about our new law program,” said University of Phoenix Director of Admissions Martin Cheselwick. “We’re going to do all that stuff other law schools do, but we’ll do it all online. Ms. Perkins can move here if she wants, but it’s not necessary.”
“Online law schools are the wave of the future,” Perkins reassured us. “You suckers can sit there and learn about wills and tax and that crap, but will you have a course on court reporting? No. What about project management or an introduction to criminal justice careers? No and No. It’s time for fun in the sun, bitches! I haven’t been able to find a picture of their campus yet, but I’m sure it’s huge.”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.