Tom Leet, The Stool
During one of William Mitchell’s biweekly diversity surveys, 1L Curt Jienrich admitted to the interviewer that his decision to attend law school rested on the idea that he would meet an attractive, soon-to-be attorney akin to the titular character of “Will and Grace” who would sweep him off his feet.
“I mean, like, what the fuck!? Where are all the gay hotties?” Jienrich asked as he snapped a piece of pink bubble gum. “I came to law school for a degree and piece of ass once a week. Instead, I’m surrounded by a bunch of balding, fat, turds that are just like every other breeder in this goddamn school! Do you know how fucking disturbing it is when you think you see a cute boy walking down hall and it turns out to be Prof. Grose?”
As Jienrich finished his informal survey, Mary Dove walked by in a pair of four-inch pumps.
“Girrrrrl! I love your shoes! They are fierce!”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
Disclaimer
The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.