Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
Each passing year at William Mitchell sees a new group of students. The old graduate or fade away into dim memories of failure, while a new, and oftentimes younger, crop of 1Ls come in to take their place; their eyes gleaming with eagerness to learn. Any Methuselah-type that lasts long enough to attain the coveted rank of 4L is certain to see many new faces over the course of his or her years at Mitchell. But could those younger faces actually be becoming more attractive? One student thinks so.
David Wooderson, a 52-year-old Custodian by day, fourth-year law student by night, is convinced that the student body is becoming more beautiful. “Look at how hot these chicks are getting!” Wooderson observed while sipping a fountain pop in Hachey Commons. “I mean shit. These chicks are way hotter than when I was a 1L. Way hotter. Shit, they’re even hotter’n when I was a 3L!”
When asked about this phenomenon, many of the mentioned 1L females reported that Wooderson was “creepy” or “disturbing”, and in some cases “a complete psycho.” “I seriously wish that he would fuck off and get his old balls out of my class,” said 1L Emily Harpenger, “And if I ever get another Facebook friend request from him I swear I’m going to get a restraining order.”
Wooderson takes it all in stride. “I know I’m a little older than them, but shit. I might not be able to buy the food, but I can sure look at the menu.” His eyes wander to a girl who walks by his table. “That’s what I like about these 1L girls. I get older, and they stay the same age.”
Friday, January 30, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers meeting ends in arrests
Jon McClay, The Stool
As the alcoholic support group, Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers, began its first meeting of the new year last week, Mitchell 2Ls Tina Makine and John Aeien began surreptitiously passing a flask filled with Root 100 between themselves during the meeting's "slower moments." "Well, it gets really boring sitting there listening to [the meeting], so Tina and I thought this might make the time pass a little faster," said Aeien.
The group's members and leader, however, were not amused. "It's an affront to everything this organization stands for," said LCfL president Micha Boehr. "I find it offensive on a professional level, a personal level, and a spiritual level. This is not a high school classroom where one should feel the need to 'get away with something.' It's an organization that helps many different people through terribly difficult times in their lives."
"My GOD he so high strung," said Aeien when asked to respond to Boehr's statement. "Jesus man, it was just a little flask. It's not like we brought the whole bottle in."
Boehr apparently became aware something was amiss during the session in question when many of the group's members became more emotional and gregarious than they had in the past. "After we had passed it back and forth a couple times, people sitting around us started asking for a pull, so we gave it to them too," said Makine. "It's a victimless crime -- it's not even a crime! It was a victimless activity! Although I have to say a lot of those people don't know the old 'sip, sip, pass' rule. They just started pounding it until the next person took it away from them."
Police intervention was soon called for as members of the group began throwing punches and ill-conceived karate chops to be the next to take from the flask. William Mitchell security personnel did their part during the fracas by ensuring all cars parked in the Summit lot displayed an appropriate parking permit sticker.
As the alcoholic support group, Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers, began its first meeting of the new year last week, Mitchell 2Ls Tina Makine and John Aeien began surreptitiously passing a flask filled with Root 100 between themselves during the meeting's "slower moments." "Well, it gets really boring sitting there listening to [the meeting], so Tina and I thought this might make the time pass a little faster," said Aeien.
The group's members and leader, however, were not amused. "It's an affront to everything this organization stands for," said LCfL president Micha Boehr. "I find it offensive on a professional level, a personal level, and a spiritual level. This is not a high school classroom where one should feel the need to 'get away with something.' It's an organization that helps many different people through terribly difficult times in their lives."
"My GOD he so high strung," said Aeien when asked to respond to Boehr's statement. "Jesus man, it was just a little flask. It's not like we brought the whole bottle in."
Boehr apparently became aware something was amiss during the session in question when many of the group's members became more emotional and gregarious than they had in the past. "After we had passed it back and forth a couple times, people sitting around us started asking for a pull, so we gave it to them too," said Makine. "It's a victimless crime -- it's not even a crime! It was a victimless activity! Although I have to say a lot of those people don't know the old 'sip, sip, pass' rule. They just started pounding it until the next person took it away from them."
Police intervention was soon called for as members of the group began throwing punches and ill-conceived karate chops to be the next to take from the flask. William Mitchell security personnel did their part during the fracas by ensuring all cars parked in the Summit lot displayed an appropriate parking permit sticker.
Starbucks announces new cost-saving measures
Jon McClay, The Stool
In an unprecedented attempt to drive down staggering costs in a frozen economic climate, Starbucks representatives today announced the company would be opening new stores in selected Caribou Coffee locations.
"Our customers are demanding more of us in this time when they have less," said Luke Donald, Mitchell alum and present Starbucks spokesperson. "To meet the need for great Starbucks coffee at a great price, we're proud to announce you'll soon be able to pick up a cup of your favorite Starbucks blend when you're at a participating Caribou Coffee establishment."
The plan is based on what Donald describes as "integral synergistic tendencies that are redundant in all Starbucks and Caribou locations." Simply put, the proposed marriage will feature Starbucks signage and branding in participating locations in the same vein as they exist in any pre-established brick-and-mortar establishments, such as a grocery store or library.
"It's a great opportunity for Starbucks," said Donald. "The Caribou brand is strong, and reinforcing that great brand with our own can only lead to success." When asked whether it would be awkward to let retail space from a primary competitor in that competitor's very store, Donald said, "we all need to work together -- especially during these times. With Caribou's multiple retail locations and our coffee, the sky's the limit. We, of course, intend to supply our own baristas."
In an unprecedented attempt to drive down staggering costs in a frozen economic climate, Starbucks representatives today announced the company would be opening new stores in selected Caribou Coffee locations.
"Our customers are demanding more of us in this time when they have less," said Luke Donald, Mitchell alum and present Starbucks spokesperson. "To meet the need for great Starbucks coffee at a great price, we're proud to announce you'll soon be able to pick up a cup of your favorite Starbucks blend when you're at a participating Caribou Coffee establishment."
The plan is based on what Donald describes as "integral synergistic tendencies that are redundant in all Starbucks and Caribou locations." Simply put, the proposed marriage will feature Starbucks signage and branding in participating locations in the same vein as they exist in any pre-established brick-and-mortar establishments, such as a grocery store or library.
"It's a great opportunity for Starbucks," said Donald. "The Caribou brand is strong, and reinforcing that great brand with our own can only lead to success." When asked whether it would be awkward to let retail space from a primary competitor in that competitor's very store, Donald said, "we all need to work together -- especially during these times. With Caribou's multiple retail locations and our coffee, the sky's the limit. We, of course, intend to supply our own baristas."
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