Franz Pincer, The Stool
According to school sources last week, Students in Lester Dong’s online insurance class reported being in agreement that, as adjuncts go, he’s pretty douchy.
The alleged douchiness surpasses the usual Professorial arrogance, spitefulness, stodgy refusal to refrain from taking attendance and the ilk. For students in Dong’s domain, the douche-factor is “pretty high” according to sources.
“I think he just makes shit up as he goes along.” Said 2L Bryan Fligg, adding “it doesn’t even make sense like, half the time! He just showboats and talks about his fat neck. It’s fucking retarded.”
Complaints of other douchy adjuncts are common among students during the school year, but the best ones tend to come out during exams, as noted by school reports.
4L Jenessa Green was reported ranting for close to an hour in Hachey about her corporations adjunct. “I think this bitch seriously expects us to become total experts in engineering to answer a multiple choice hypothetical on fucking ethics! What?! Where am I?”
While informal surveys continue to churn out reports of “kinda douchy” to “complete doucheface”, the WMCL online auto-generated surveys show record acclaim for the Mitchell Mix of faculty, staff, and adjuncts
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Symplicity perplexes
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
Symplicity perplexes
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
2L "wins," spazzes out
Franz Pincer, The Stool
After sweating out three full semesters of law school, 2L Les Grueber was amazed Tuesday to discover he had won. Grueber was astonished by his good fortune after picking up a particularly fit con law exam, noting his almost bragable A- grade complete with plucky commentary.
“I am completely freaking out,” Grueber gushed, “Jordan actually wrote me a note; it said ‘that’s the bugaboo’! I have no idea what that means, but now I know, you know? I mean I get it!! All this time I totally thought I couldn’t win! Woo Hoooo!!!!”
It has been speculated that a near perfect grasp of the dormant commerce clause in question two of the Powers final is what really solidified the win for Grueber, who has been spotted feeling unduly satisfied in Hachey to the irritation of fellow Hachey occupants.
Most other members of the Con Law section 4 class didn’t win. “That exam was the worst experience of my life,” Lamented classmate Keesha Riley, who added “Why does [the professor] hate us? He totally ruined Christmas!” before pounding several jager shots. She then threw up on herself.
When asked about the alleged “win,” 3L onlookers were unimpressed. Most noted that the uninvited ass-pounding one experiences during exams can take its toll, but once your soul has been destroyed by WRAP, there really aren’t any surprises anymore.
“Yeah, I wanted to beat the revelry right off that idiot’s fat head.” Said 3L Pete Schack. “But then I realized he is taking Advocacy which…should pretty much take care of things. Professor Knapp and his adjuncts will put a repeated smack down on that boastful fuckstain any day now.
After sweating out three full semesters of law school, 2L Les Grueber was amazed Tuesday to discover he had won. Grueber was astonished by his good fortune after picking up a particularly fit con law exam, noting his almost bragable A- grade complete with plucky commentary.
“I am completely freaking out,” Grueber gushed, “Jordan actually wrote me a note; it said ‘that’s the bugaboo’! I have no idea what that means, but now I know, you know? I mean I get it!! All this time I totally thought I couldn’t win! Woo Hoooo!!!!”
It has been speculated that a near perfect grasp of the dormant commerce clause in question two of the Powers final is what really solidified the win for Grueber, who has been spotted feeling unduly satisfied in Hachey to the irritation of fellow Hachey occupants.
Most other members of the Con Law section 4 class didn’t win. “That exam was the worst experience of my life,” Lamented classmate Keesha Riley, who added “Why does [the professor] hate us? He totally ruined Christmas!” before pounding several jager shots. She then threw up on herself.
When asked about the alleged “win,” 3L onlookers were unimpressed. Most noted that the uninvited ass-pounding one experiences during exams can take its toll, but once your soul has been destroyed by WRAP, there really aren’t any surprises anymore.
“Yeah, I wanted to beat the revelry right off that idiot’s fat head.” Said 3L Pete Schack. “But then I realized he is taking Advocacy which…should pretty much take care of things. Professor Knapp and his adjuncts will put a repeated smack down on that boastful fuckstain any day now.
3L Off the Chili
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Billy Numack is officially off the cafeteria chili. “That pot of stank really did a number on my GI. Five semesters of consuming that molten gutrot and I practically need a colostomy bag! It literally ripped me a new asshole!” Numack complained Thursday.
Forced to endure a strict regimen of Diet Coke and Saltine crackers, Numack is one of many victims of cafeteria poisoning known locally as “Crapeteritis”. Not to be confused with actual poisoning, Crapeteritis is a rare digestive disorder resulting from repeated ingestion of highly delicious but only semi-digestible, high-calorie, low-nutrient foods that make one feel like ass.
1L Mandy Ginkell was helpful in diagnosing her fellow student’s acute Itis. “I knew right away that [2L Bars Lafely] been swilling that cafeteria slop when I saw him lurking near the bathroom. He kept clutching his stomach, and his upper lip was sweating pretty profusely. I was a nutrition major at Gustavus.” According to Ginkell, other signs that students are suffering from the Itis include: excessive and unclaimed gas usually emitted during lecture or crop-dusted in hallways; retching; that wafting stench in the hallway between the one private men’s room and the cafeteria; constipation; diarrhea and dry mouth.
Cafeteria officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the school suggested alternating the chili with other tasty food substitutes such as chicken fingers, tasteless pizza and Pop Tarts.
Billy Numack is officially off the cafeteria chili. “That pot of stank really did a number on my GI. Five semesters of consuming that molten gutrot and I practically need a colostomy bag! It literally ripped me a new asshole!” Numack complained Thursday.
Forced to endure a strict regimen of Diet Coke and Saltine crackers, Numack is one of many victims of cafeteria poisoning known locally as “Crapeteritis”. Not to be confused with actual poisoning, Crapeteritis is a rare digestive disorder resulting from repeated ingestion of highly delicious but only semi-digestible, high-calorie, low-nutrient foods that make one feel like ass.
1L Mandy Ginkell was helpful in diagnosing her fellow student’s acute Itis. “I knew right away that [2L Bars Lafely] been swilling that cafeteria slop when I saw him lurking near the bathroom. He kept clutching his stomach, and his upper lip was sweating pretty profusely. I was a nutrition major at Gustavus.” According to Ginkell, other signs that students are suffering from the Itis include: excessive and unclaimed gas usually emitted during lecture or crop-dusted in hallways; retching; that wafting stench in the hallway between the one private men’s room and the cafeteria; constipation; diarrhea and dry mouth.
Cafeteria officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the school suggested alternating the chili with other tasty food substitutes such as chicken fingers, tasteless pizza and Pop Tarts.
Faculty gets funky, is weird
Franz Pincer, The Stool
The 2008 Spring semester at William Mitchell has brought a number of exciting improvements to the College; like a rearranged trophy-type case in the library hallway, about fifty new flat-screen monitors posting entirely worthless information throughout the school, and a freshly funktified faculty.
To the utter mystification of students, a new swagger can be seen on certain members of the Mitchell Mix’s own, complete with an improper injection of “youth-slang”. This new vernacular seems to be a hybrid of Snoop Dogg’s specialized “izzo-speak” with the completely fantastical “Jive” spoken only in the movie “Airplane.”
“The faculty is making a concerted effort to inure good fizeelings in the student body, chill. We hope that what has heretofore been a diametrically opposed paradigm can shifty-shizz and become jiggy with the hizzos and brizzos, honky.” Said one adjunct faculty member.
Deans Janus and Thompson are even rumored to have posted pages on Facebook, which, to many students, is more weird than cool. “It’s not like they’re hangin’ loose, kickin’ it wit da stuzzos, or something. I mean, it’s a little creepy predator-like” said a 2L on condition of anonymity.
The perplexed student body continues to laugh off the complete disconnect by Mitchell staffers, but is left to ponder one very serious question: Will this be a passing fad – like a registration system that makes sense – or will we be forced to endure the new lexicon like the piece of shit excuse for artwork in the library? Hmmm.
The 2008 Spring semester at William Mitchell has brought a number of exciting improvements to the College; like a rearranged trophy-type case in the library hallway, about fifty new flat-screen monitors posting entirely worthless information throughout the school, and a freshly funktified faculty.
To the utter mystification of students, a new swagger can be seen on certain members of the Mitchell Mix’s own, complete with an improper injection of “youth-slang”. This new vernacular seems to be a hybrid of Snoop Dogg’s specialized “izzo-speak” with the completely fantastical “Jive” spoken only in the movie “Airplane.”
“The faculty is making a concerted effort to inure good fizeelings in the student body, chill. We hope that what has heretofore been a diametrically opposed paradigm can shifty-shizz and become jiggy with the hizzos and brizzos, honky.” Said one adjunct faculty member.
Deans Janus and Thompson are even rumored to have posted pages on Facebook, which, to many students, is more weird than cool. “It’s not like they’re hangin’ loose, kickin’ it wit da stuzzos, or something. I mean, it’s a little creepy predator-like” said a 2L on condition of anonymity.
The perplexed student body continues to laugh off the complete disconnect by Mitchell staffers, but is left to ponder one very serious question: Will this be a passing fad – like a registration system that makes sense – or will we be forced to endure the new lexicon like the piece of shit excuse for artwork in the library? Hmmm.
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