Franz Pincer, The Stool
After sweating out three full semesters of law school, 2L Les Grueber was amazed Tuesday to discover he had won. Grueber was astonished by his good fortune after picking up a particularly fit con law exam, noting his almost bragable A- grade complete with plucky commentary.
“I am completely freaking out,” Grueber gushed, “Jordan actually wrote me a note; it said ‘that’s the bugaboo’! I have no idea what that means, but now I know, you know? I mean I get it!! All this time I totally thought I couldn’t win! Woo Hoooo!!!!”
It has been speculated that a near perfect grasp of the dormant commerce clause in question two of the Powers final is what really solidified the win for Grueber, who has been spotted feeling unduly satisfied in Hachey to the irritation of fellow Hachey occupants.
Most other members of the Con Law section 4 class didn’t win. “That exam was the worst experience of my life,” Lamented classmate Keesha Riley, who added “Why does [the professor] hate us? He totally ruined Christmas!” before pounding several jager shots. She then threw up on herself.
When asked about the alleged “win,” 3L onlookers were unimpressed. Most noted that the uninvited ass-pounding one experiences during exams can take its toll, but once your soul has been destroyed by WRAP, there really aren’t any surprises anymore.
“Yeah, I wanted to beat the revelry right off that idiot’s fat head.” Said 3L Pete Schack. “But then I realized he is taking Advocacy which…should pretty much take care of things. Professor Knapp and his adjuncts will put a repeated smack down on that boastful fuckstain any day now.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
Disclaimer
The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.