New library policy leads to disaster

Jon Michael, The Stool

Just weeks after instituting a new policy allowing food and drink into the library at Mitchell, disaster struck. According to library personnel, instead of pouring out unwanted coffee or other beverages in a drinking fountain drain or other suitable place, students have been discarding their unwanted liquids by pouring them directly into the N.W. reporter hard copy books.

"The books are completely ruined," said one library official. "We KNEW this would happen if we let food and drinks [into the library]. Last week I found a half-eaten slice of pizza that someone had used as a bookmark, then abandoned on a table. Who does this? It's a disaster."

"I love the new policy," said 3L Lois Anderson. "If I have extra food or drink that I don't want after I'm done studying, I'll just pour it in an air vent or leave it under my chair -- that way I don't have to bother with putting it in a trash can and contributing to global warming."

Library officials are also concerned about a new trend that sees students bringing multiple pairs of pants with them for a library study session, then essentially using them as adult diapers instead of getting up to use the restroom. "When I'm studying, that's what I'm doing. I don't have to get up. Pants are cheap, tuition is not."

Speaker happy to present on how fucked we are

Jon Michael, The Stool

The bleak economic forecast is concerning for many of this year's crop of Mitchellites, but one upcoming speaker doesn't see what the problem is. "I'm happy to help point out to all of these bright future lawyers that I have a job, and they probably won't," said the Career Strategies for the Great Recession lecture speaker. "The best part is, I'm being paid to point out the obvious -- you have to love tuition."

Student attendees have a different outlook. "I think [the program] will be informative and useful," said 3L Lana Helms. "Of course, I don't need to work anymore. I went to New York City last week to meet with a business associate I met on the internet, and long story short, I happen to be the proud new owner of a certain historic bridge leading from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Law school is for suckers."

The Stool has been able to obtain a copy of the "What Now?" conference's schedule, listed below.

4:30-4:35 - Welcome

4:35-5:00 - Things are worse than you think they are

5:00-5:20 - You're all really fucked

5:20-5:35 - I, on the other hand, have a job and am not fucked like you, who are fucked

5:35-5:50 - Your loans will cripple you forever

5:50-5:55 - I drove here in a nice car

5:55-6:00 - Recap. You're completely fucked

6:00-6:05 - Closing. Handouts will overwhelm you on your fuckedness

6:05-6:10 - Pick up my check from Renate Behrendt