Gunners come in many shapes and sizes – are you one of them? Take the quiz below and find out.
1. Your PR prof asks if anyone in the class would like to brief the next case. Do you:
a. Do nothing. (0 points)
b. Wait until the really short case comes up to raise your hand. (1 point)
c. Raise your hand to get participation requirement out of the way for the semester. (2 points)
d. Raise your hand, brief the case for five minutes, then ask a question about what civ pro rule 11 ramifications there might be in this case. (5 points)
2. You’re reading for tomorrow’s agency class. After finishing a case, you see there’s a dissent and a few note cases that follow. Do you:
a. Skip the dissent and the notes – the prof will go over that shit if it’s important. (0 points)
b. Skim the dissent and skip the notes – if you get lightninged you want to be able to sound semi intelligent. (1 point)
c. Read the dissent and skim the notes – sometimes the dissent is really interesting, and the notes tend to focus the decision a little more (2 points)
d. Read and brief the case and the dissent, read the notes and look up the note cases – you’ll be raising your hand on this one! (5 points)
3. There are three minutes left in your class period. The prof asks, “are there any questions?” after finishing a chapter. Do you:
a. Start shutting down your computer, but leave the screen up so it doesn’t look like you’ve stopped paying attention. She wouldn’t start a new chapter with three minutes left! (0 points)
b. Keep your notes open, but start bundling your power cord. If someone does ask a question, you’ll be able to get the answer if it’s important. (1 point)
c. Contemplate asking something, but decide to catch the prof after class since there’s so little time left. (2 points)
d. Raise your hand and ask a question about the policy behind the ruling in the last case. You’re so engrossed, you don’t even notice there’s three minutes left in class. (5 points)
4. The first draft of your appellate brief for advocacy is due in three weeks. Do you:
a. Three weeks? Pfff! That’s like 20 years in law school time. There are more pressing matters; like that fucking direct examination exercise later this week. (0 points)
b. Read through the fact pattern to get a feel for what’s going on. (1 point)
c. Read through the fact pattern and take notes, then do some preliminary research. (2 points)
d. Read the fact pattern thoroughly, research the issues, and write a rough draft. Cardozo don’t got shit on you! (5 points)
5. On-campus interviews are coming up. Do you:
a. You’ve got better things to do than suck someone’s asshole for the chance at maybe getting a job down the road. (0 points)
b. Think about doing it, but put it off until next year. (1 point)
c. Use Symplicity in any way. (5 points)
6. After a Friday night at Sweeney’s, you have the opportunity to have sex with a classmate who you find attractive. Do you:
a. So hot! Oh my God I’m drunk right now. I hope s/he doesn’t live far away. (0 points)
b. The very survival of the human race depends on sexual intercourse. It’s your duty as a member of the species to tap that ass. (1 points)
c. Have sex, but make sure s/he is fully alert and not too drunk to possibly think that s/he was taken advantage of, thereby creating a potential problem when bar exam time comes. (2 points)
d. Don’t have sex. This person is a potential colleague! If things don’t work out and you see them in a professional setting, there could be awkwardness, and it might impede your ability to zealously advocate for your client. (5 points).
Scoring
Add up your scores from the answer above, then match your total using the chart below to determine you gunnerness.
22-30: You are a gunner. You fuck up the curve. You annoy people in class. You might as well call yourself The Gunnery Sergeant and sew chevrons on your sleeves.
14-21: You are teetering on the brink of being a gunner. You often do things that make people want to punch you in the throat, but you show restraint from time to time.
7-13: You aspire to be a gunner, but weed and/or common sense prevents you from taking it to the next level.
0-6: You are a curve rider. You do what you need to do, and you drink when you’re not doing it.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
School reveals new banned phrases
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
William Mitchell College of Law released a memo on Tuesday regarding a new list of terms and phrases that have been banned from use in William Mitchell classrooms. In a turn toward more traditional methods of punishment, the penalty for the use of any of these terms or phrases will range from being pelted with rotten fruit and curses (for lighter offenses) to the public flogging of bare buttocks (for repeat offenders). Stocks have already been erected in Hachey Commons for the purpose of carrying out these punishments.
The list of phrases includes a number of terms that enrage students and professors alike. These phrases include, but are not limited to:
“Slippery Slope”
“The dissent says…”
“But/For”
“Balancing Test”
“Heretofore”
Law School Professors are exempt from punishment, but are encouraged to abide by the list of proscribed terminology.
Clifford Ellipsis, head of the William Mitchell Language Prevention Department, stated that the purpose behind banning these terms was to protect the image is William Mitchell’s students. “Look,” he remarked, “The only reason that students say any of those things is to try and look smart. They all just end up looking like total douchebags. This is for their protection.”
“I’m really OK with it,” said 2L Brett Markerton. “I don’t talk like that anyway. Actually, I really hope that Stephanie from my Property class starts using these phrases left and right, because I totally want to see her bare buttocks get flogged. That’s hot.”
William Mitchell College of Law released a memo on Tuesday regarding a new list of terms and phrases that have been banned from use in William Mitchell classrooms. In a turn toward more traditional methods of punishment, the penalty for the use of any of these terms or phrases will range from being pelted with rotten fruit and curses (for lighter offenses) to the public flogging of bare buttocks (for repeat offenders). Stocks have already been erected in Hachey Commons for the purpose of carrying out these punishments.
The list of phrases includes a number of terms that enrage students and professors alike. These phrases include, but are not limited to:
“Slippery Slope”
“The dissent says…”
“But/For”
“Balancing Test”
“Heretofore”
Law School Professors are exempt from punishment, but are encouraged to abide by the list of proscribed terminology.
Clifford Ellipsis, head of the William Mitchell Language Prevention Department, stated that the purpose behind banning these terms was to protect the image is William Mitchell’s students. “Look,” he remarked, “The only reason that students say any of those things is to try and look smart. They all just end up looking like total douchebags. This is for their protection.”
“I’m really OK with it,” said 2L Brett Markerton. “I don’t talk like that anyway. Actually, I really hope that Stephanie from my Property class starts using these phrases left and right, because I totally want to see her bare buttocks get flogged. That’s hot.”
Faculty gets funky, is weird
Franz Pincer, The Stool
The 2008 Spring semester at William Mitchell has brought a number of exciting improvements to the College; like a rearranged trophy-type case in the library hallway, about fifty new flat-screen monitors posting entirely worthless information throughout the school, and a freshly funktified faculty.
To the utter mystification of students, a new swagger can be seen on certain members of the Mitchell Mix’s own, complete with an improper injection of “youth-slang”. This new vernacular seems to be a hybrid of Snoop Dogg’s specialized “izzo-speak” with the completely fantastical “Jive” spoken only in the movie “Airplane.”
“The faculty is making a concerted effort to inure good fizeelings in the student body, chill. We hope that what has heretofore been a diametrically opposed paradigm can shifty-shizz and become jiggy with the hizzos and brizzos, honky.” Said one adjunct faculty member.
Deans Janus and Thompson are even rumored to have posted pages on Facebook, which, to many students, is more weird than cool. “It’s not like they’re hangin’ loose, kickin’ it wit da stuzzos, or something. I mean, it’s a little creepy predator-like” said a 2L on condition of anonymity.
The perplexed student body continues to laugh off the complete disconnect by Mitchell staffers, but is left to ponder one very serious question: Will this be a passing fad – like a registration system that makes sense – or will we be forced to endure the new lexicon like the piece of shit excuse for artwork in the library? Hmmm.
The 2008 Spring semester at William Mitchell has brought a number of exciting improvements to the College; like a rearranged trophy-type case in the library hallway, about fifty new flat-screen monitors posting entirely worthless information throughout the school, and a freshly funktified faculty.
To the utter mystification of students, a new swagger can be seen on certain members of the Mitchell Mix’s own, complete with an improper injection of “youth-slang”. This new vernacular seems to be a hybrid of Snoop Dogg’s specialized “izzo-speak” with the completely fantastical “Jive” spoken only in the movie “Airplane.”
“The faculty is making a concerted effort to inure good fizeelings in the student body, chill. We hope that what has heretofore been a diametrically opposed paradigm can shifty-shizz and become jiggy with the hizzos and brizzos, honky.” Said one adjunct faculty member.
Deans Janus and Thompson are even rumored to have posted pages on Facebook, which, to many students, is more weird than cool. “It’s not like they’re hangin’ loose, kickin’ it wit da stuzzos, or something. I mean, it’s a little creepy predator-like” said a 2L on condition of anonymity.
The perplexed student body continues to laugh off the complete disconnect by Mitchell staffers, but is left to ponder one very serious question: Will this be a passing fad – like a registration system that makes sense – or will we be forced to endure the new lexicon like the piece of shit excuse for artwork in the library? Hmmm.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Eye Contact Leads to Awkwardness
Franz Pincer, The Stool
While completely spacing out in Property on Monday, 1L Claire Daniels found herself inadvertently staring in the direction of known loser 1L Jeffrey Gandling.
“I was like, oh shit, I just totally made eye contact with him. Great, I’m probably going to have to transfer to Hamline now.” pronounced a visibly shaken Daniels. According to friends, Daniels’ nanosecond of eye contact precipitated a string of events that will haunt her for days, possibly minutes to come.
Allegedly contemplating whether the night was a hard-liquor drunk night, or beer-drunk night, Daniels allowed her gaze to soften and fall haphazardly near the far south side of the lecture hall, dangerously close to the portion of the room cleared by all but Gandling, prompting an unwelcome wave-wink combo.
“My first thought was ‘Yesss!’” Reported Gandling. “I watched how she touched her hair while she was staring, and I knew I had a shot when I saw she wasn’t blinking.”
When Gandling approached Daniels at the bar later with a poorly concealed chubber and no game whatsoever, onlookers witnessed what has been called the most uncomfortable twenty minutes ever. “I was like, please God, make this stop! Somebody set something on fire, or just knock me out! I can’t look at it.” Accounted 1L Marie Hale. 2L Tom Stauffer agreed and added, “Dude crashed and burned so hard I almost felt bad for him. Man, I wish I had recorded that!”
A terse “Get away from me” from Daniels finally ended the ordeal to the relief of all involved, even peripherally. In spite of a particularly unsavory rumor of a spicy hook-up between the two, Daniels has launched a hostile ignoring campaign against Gandling that is expected to last throughout the semester.
While completely spacing out in Property on Monday, 1L Claire Daniels found herself inadvertently staring in the direction of known loser 1L Jeffrey Gandling.
“I was like, oh shit, I just totally made eye contact with him. Great, I’m probably going to have to transfer to Hamline now.” pronounced a visibly shaken Daniels. According to friends, Daniels’ nanosecond of eye contact precipitated a string of events that will haunt her for days, possibly minutes to come.
Allegedly contemplating whether the night was a hard-liquor drunk night, or beer-drunk night, Daniels allowed her gaze to soften and fall haphazardly near the far south side of the lecture hall, dangerously close to the portion of the room cleared by all but Gandling, prompting an unwelcome wave-wink combo.
“My first thought was ‘Yesss!’” Reported Gandling. “I watched how she touched her hair while she was staring, and I knew I had a shot when I saw she wasn’t blinking.”
When Gandling approached Daniels at the bar later with a poorly concealed chubber and no game whatsoever, onlookers witnessed what has been called the most uncomfortable twenty minutes ever. “I was like, please God, make this stop! Somebody set something on fire, or just knock me out! I can’t look at it.” Accounted 1L Marie Hale. 2L Tom Stauffer agreed and added, “Dude crashed and burned so hard I almost felt bad for him. Man, I wish I had recorded that!”
A terse “Get away from me” from Daniels finally ended the ordeal to the relief of all involved, even peripherally. In spite of a particularly unsavory rumor of a spicy hook-up between the two, Daniels has launched a hostile ignoring campaign against Gandling that is expected to last throughout the semester.
Class baffled by professor’s recitation of Prince song
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
The reactions in a Wednesday night Family Law class ranged from shocked silence to amused giggles when their professor began the evening’s lecture on Alimony. Professor Olsenberg, an adjunct professor in his first semester at William Mitchell, started class by breaking into song.
“He just busted into ‘Pussy Control’,” laughed Raymond Elkhund, a 3L. “I seriously couldn’t believe it.”
The extremely sexual song, which begins “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen / all you boys and motherfucking girls”, explicitly details many different aspects of an adult relationship. “I just figured that the song was very relevant to what we were talking about,” stated Olsenberg, who appeared for our interview wearing a ruffled purple shirt and skin-tight, assless pants. “So many of the topics that we discuss in Family Law boil right down to this song’s theme: Pussy Control. It just seemed natural.”
Many members of his class weren’t so sure, and some even complained to the Dean. When asked what he thought about this, Olsenberg replied, “Mothafuckaz need to chill out, mmmhmm,” and snapped his fingers.
The reactions in a Wednesday night Family Law class ranged from shocked silence to amused giggles when their professor began the evening’s lecture on Alimony. Professor Olsenberg, an adjunct professor in his first semester at William Mitchell, started class by breaking into song.
“He just busted into ‘Pussy Control’,” laughed Raymond Elkhund, a 3L. “I seriously couldn’t believe it.”
The extremely sexual song, which begins “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen / all you boys and motherfucking girls”, explicitly details many different aspects of an adult relationship. “I just figured that the song was very relevant to what we were talking about,” stated Olsenberg, who appeared for our interview wearing a ruffled purple shirt and skin-tight, assless pants. “So many of the topics that we discuss in Family Law boil right down to this song’s theme: Pussy Control. It just seemed natural.”
Many members of his class weren’t so sure, and some even complained to the Dean. When asked what he thought about this, Olsenberg replied, “Mothafuckaz need to chill out, mmmhmm,” and snapped his fingers.
Mitchell to Open Community Theater
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Representatives for Mitchell announced Wednesday the launch of a new Community Theater program offered exclusively to non-students of WMCL. The program, temporarily dubbed “The Mitchell Mingle” will be a monthly evening showcase for semi-talented Mitchell neighbors with tri-weekly rehearsals.
“We have been looking for ways to invite non-students into our school and our facilities. This just seemed like a totally out-there, non-relevant thing to do.” Said a Dean, adding, “They’ll mostly be here at night anyway, so there’s nothing else important happening.”
Reports of the new theater group have come with some derision, especially from night students. “HellOOO, what about night students?? We are here at night!” protested part time 2L Sheila Albertson, adding “it’s already impossible to park, now all the free spots are ‘reserved for thespians’?! What the fuck is that?!”
4L Matthew Bender was also torqued up over the news. “It was bad enough when there were just random pre-law events and networking socials. Now I hear they’re adding a knitting circle. A knitting circle!! Why?” he screetched, breathless after walking from all the way from Grotto.
Other administrative personnel were unavailable for comment, but suggested part time students collectively shut their pie holes, and get to the back of the school already, Christ.
Representatives for Mitchell announced Wednesday the launch of a new Community Theater program offered exclusively to non-students of WMCL. The program, temporarily dubbed “The Mitchell Mingle” will be a monthly evening showcase for semi-talented Mitchell neighbors with tri-weekly rehearsals.
“We have been looking for ways to invite non-students into our school and our facilities. This just seemed like a totally out-there, non-relevant thing to do.” Said a Dean, adding, “They’ll mostly be here at night anyway, so there’s nothing else important happening.”
Reports of the new theater group have come with some derision, especially from night students. “HellOOO, what about night students?? We are here at night!” protested part time 2L Sheila Albertson, adding “it’s already impossible to park, now all the free spots are ‘reserved for thespians’?! What the fuck is that?!”
4L Matthew Bender was also torqued up over the news. “It was bad enough when there were just random pre-law events and networking socials. Now I hear they’re adding a knitting circle. A knitting circle!! Why?” he screetched, breathless after walking from all the way from Grotto.
Other administrative personnel were unavailable for comment, but suggested part time students collectively shut their pie holes, and get to the back of the school already, Christ.
3L reaches breaking point
Beaver Hunt, The Stool
When 3L Rachel Wyland had enough of the constant barrage of sexist and racist remarks made by Professor Mitsubishi in a useless, non-bar class last fall, she decided to do something about it. “He would always make shitty comments in every class and follow them up with ‘Did you know I have tenure?’, as if that made it okay,” said Wyland. “I’m not easily offended, but when you go to class every week and have to sit and listen to your prof make comments about how women are stupid, it starts to piss you off.”
Wyland came to her breaking point during one class discussion when Mitsubishi asked 2L Troy Larkin and 3L Amy Bills to argue opposite sides of an issue, during which Mitsubishi asked Larkin to: “tell us why Amy isn’t an ignorant slut.” “That was enough for me, so I said: ‘how about you tell us why your daughter isn’t a dumb whore?”
According to reports, Mitsubishi then flew into a rage and proceeded to sprint up to Wyland’s seat and shriek ‘I HAVE TENURE!!! I HAVE TENURE!!!’”.
The Stool has learned that Professor Mitsubishi is not teaching any classes at all this semester. After digging deeper, one unnamed source told us “He’s on a forced sabbatical to a mental institution that specializes in rage disorders.”
When 3L Rachel Wyland had enough of the constant barrage of sexist and racist remarks made by Professor Mitsubishi in a useless, non-bar class last fall, she decided to do something about it. “He would always make shitty comments in every class and follow them up with ‘Did you know I have tenure?’, as if that made it okay,” said Wyland. “I’m not easily offended, but when you go to class every week and have to sit and listen to your prof make comments about how women are stupid, it starts to piss you off.”
Wyland came to her breaking point during one class discussion when Mitsubishi asked 2L Troy Larkin and 3L Amy Bills to argue opposite sides of an issue, during which Mitsubishi asked Larkin to: “tell us why Amy isn’t an ignorant slut.” “That was enough for me, so I said: ‘how about you tell us why your daughter isn’t a dumb whore?”
According to reports, Mitsubishi then flew into a rage and proceeded to sprint up to Wyland’s seat and shriek ‘I HAVE TENURE!!! I HAVE TENURE!!!’”.
The Stool has learned that Professor Mitsubishi is not teaching any classes at all this semester. After digging deeper, one unnamed source told us “He’s on a forced sabbatical to a mental institution that specializes in rage disorders.”
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Loogie won't go down drinking fountain drain
Hans Olo, The Stool
It had been a particularly dry classroom as 1L Horace Grant stepped out of Torts II last Monday to get a drink of water. “I could feel a big frog in my throat, so I left class to grab a drink of water,” said Grant. “As I was walking to the fountain I hawked a loogie that I knew I had to get rid of, but I didn’t want to go all the way into the bathroom because I was already missing class. So I did the old ‘spit it in the fountain while pretending to get a drink trick, and the damn thing got stuck in those little metal circle things that cover the drain. I looked around to make sure no one was waiting to use it, then I just walked away.”
“I know what you’re going to say, and you can fucking forget it,” said Grant. “I was NOT going to put my fingers on that nasty-ass drain to force it through. No no. I heard some kid got AIDS doing that.”
The loogie in turn caused well above-average use of the shorter fountain to its left. “I’m not looking at that filth while I take a drink,” said 2L Anne Grobien. “I have a really low gag reflex and that probably would have made me start looking like a cat with a furball.”
It had been a particularly dry classroom as 1L Horace Grant stepped out of Torts II last Monday to get a drink of water. “I could feel a big frog in my throat, so I left class to grab a drink of water,” said Grant. “As I was walking to the fountain I hawked a loogie that I knew I had to get rid of, but I didn’t want to go all the way into the bathroom because I was already missing class. So I did the old ‘spit it in the fountain while pretending to get a drink trick, and the damn thing got stuck in those little metal circle things that cover the drain. I looked around to make sure no one was waiting to use it, then I just walked away.”
“I know what you’re going to say, and you can fucking forget it,” said Grant. “I was NOT going to put my fingers on that nasty-ass drain to force it through. No no. I heard some kid got AIDS doing that.”
The loogie in turn caused well above-average use of the shorter fountain to its left. “I’m not looking at that filth while I take a drink,” said 2L Anne Grobien. “I have a really low gag reflex and that probably would have made me start looking like a cat with a furball.”
In-class comment seemed funnier before said
Jed Anderson, The Stool
During a recent large section Advocacy class, 2L Mitch Henders thought he would “riff” with professor Knapp while the professor spoke dramatically about depositions. “He was talking about the amount of questions you could ask a witness, saying ‘you could have a small pool that would only get you a small number of answers, or a big pool that would get you a larger number of answers. Then he turns to me and says, ‘so young man? Which is better – small or large?’ and I heard myself say ‘that’s what SHE said!’ thinking everyone would laugh. But that’s not what happened.”
In fact, witnesses tell us that the class suddenly fell into a deep silence while Knapp scrambled for a graceful way to ease the tension. “I instantly wanted to crawl under the table when that dude said that,” said 3L Lois Martinson. “I mean Jesus Christ! What the hell was he doing?”
Exacerbating the problem was the fact that professor Grose then asked, “wait, what do you mean? What does size have to do with anything a woman would ask?”
During a recent large section Advocacy class, 2L Mitch Henders thought he would “riff” with professor Knapp while the professor spoke dramatically about depositions. “He was talking about the amount of questions you could ask a witness, saying ‘you could have a small pool that would only get you a small number of answers, or a big pool that would get you a larger number of answers. Then he turns to me and says, ‘so young man? Which is better – small or large?’ and I heard myself say ‘that’s what SHE said!’ thinking everyone would laugh. But that’s not what happened.”
In fact, witnesses tell us that the class suddenly fell into a deep silence while Knapp scrambled for a graceful way to ease the tension. “I instantly wanted to crawl under the table when that dude said that,” said 3L Lois Martinson. “I mean Jesus Christ! What the hell was he doing?”
Exacerbating the problem was the fact that professor Grose then asked, “wait, what do you mean? What does size have to do with anything a woman would ask?”
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