Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
The reactions in a Wednesday night Family Law class ranged from shocked silence to amused giggles when their professor began the evening’s lecture on Alimony. Professor Olsenberg, an adjunct professor in his first semester at William Mitchell, started class by breaking into song.
“He just busted into ‘Pussy Control’,” laughed Raymond Elkhund, a 3L. “I seriously couldn’t believe it.”
The extremely sexual song, which begins “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen / all you boys and motherfucking girls”, explicitly details many different aspects of an adult relationship. “I just figured that the song was very relevant to what we were talking about,” stated Olsenberg, who appeared for our interview wearing a ruffled purple shirt and skin-tight, assless pants. “So many of the topics that we discuss in Family Law boil right down to this song’s theme: Pussy Control. It just seemed natural.”
Many members of his class weren’t so sure, and some even complained to the Dean. When asked what he thought about this, Olsenberg replied, “Mothafuckaz need to chill out, mmmhmm,” and snapped his fingers.
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
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February
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