School reveals new banned phrases

Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool

William Mitchell College of Law released a memo on Tuesday regarding a new list of terms and phrases that have been banned from use in William Mitchell classrooms. In a turn toward more traditional methods of punishment, the penalty for the use of any of these terms or phrases will range from being pelted with rotten fruit and curses (for lighter offenses) to the public flogging of bare buttocks (for repeat offenders). Stocks have already been erected in Hachey Commons for the purpose of carrying out these punishments.

The list of phrases includes a number of terms that enrage students and professors alike. These phrases include, but are not limited to:

“Slippery Slope”
“The dissent says…”
“But/For”
“Balancing Test”
“Heretofore”

Law School Professors are exempt from punishment, but are encouraged to abide by the list of proscribed terminology.

Clifford Ellipsis, head of the William Mitchell Language Prevention Department, stated that the purpose behind banning these terms was to protect the image is William Mitchell’s students. “Look,” he remarked, “The only reason that students say any of those things is to try and look smart. They all just end up looking like total douchebags. This is for their protection.”

“I’m really OK with it,” said 2L Brett Markerton. “I don’t talk like that anyway. Actually, I really hope that Stephanie from my Property class starts using these phrases left and right, because I totally want to see her bare buttocks get flogged. That’s hot.”