Bailey Finklestein, The Stool
Addressing what many feel is a glaring and embarrassing hole in the College’s curriculum, Dean Easley announced at a recent press conference the inclusion of Southern Procedure in next year’s course schedule.
“It’s a great fit for the College,” commented Easley, “and we’re all very pleased that we were able to lure Professor Buford Scrimshaw III away from Southern Alabama State Law and Taxidermy School to instruct our students in this valuable and exciting area of law.”
Professor Scrimshaw’s course will address mainstays of southern procedure including, but not limited to, the mopping of one’s brow and upper lip with a linen handkerchief during the examination of a witness, proper pronunciation and inflection of certain words, and how to object to a line of questioning.
When asked for a sample of subjects the course may cover, the Stool learned that, for example, southern procedure demands the emphasis be put on the first syllable of the word “idea.” Thus, the sentence “I have no idea where the car is,” becomes “I have no AH-dea where the car is.” Similarly, when objecting in a southern court, one does not merely object. One always strenuously objects. “It excites the blood,” explained professor Scrimshaw.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
SBA shocked to discover its own ineffectuality
LaDarrel Thirgidsdottir, The Stool
After years of attempted decision making with lackluster results, the SBA finally admitted that the association’s belief in its own supreme powers was unfounded.
“Perhaps we really aren’t as powerful as we think we are,” said spokeswoman Marissa C. Towne in a press conference Monday afternoon. “After taking a look at what we’ve accomplished over the years, it became apparent that we haven’t really managed to do much of anything.”
When asked what the SBA planned to do to change their apparent lack of influence, Towne replied, “Well, we’ve just got to reassert our dominion over the student body. We’ve already started to restructure ourselves. Just last week we gave ourselves new titles. I’m now ‘Lord Captain Commander’ Towne, for instance, and we’ve started referring to the SBA President [Drew Gibbs] as ‘His Grace, the Captain of the Dawn, Triumph of the East, the Bringer of Light.' We think that these new titles will really show people how awesome we are.”
After years of attempted decision making with lackluster results, the SBA finally admitted that the association’s belief in its own supreme powers was unfounded.
“Perhaps we really aren’t as powerful as we think we are,” said spokeswoman Marissa C. Towne in a press conference Monday afternoon. “After taking a look at what we’ve accomplished over the years, it became apparent that we haven’t really managed to do much of anything.”
When asked what the SBA planned to do to change their apparent lack of influence, Towne replied, “Well, we’ve just got to reassert our dominion over the student body. We’ve already started to restructure ourselves. Just last week we gave ourselves new titles. I’m now ‘Lord Captain Commander’ Towne, for instance, and we’ve started referring to the SBA President [Drew Gibbs] as ‘His Grace, the Captain of the Dawn, Triumph of the East, the Bringer of Light.' We think that these new titles will really show people how awesome we are.”
Recent survey shows nobody gives a damn what grade you got
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
The results of a recent survey by the Law Student Survey Association (LSSA) show that the overwhelming majority of students couldn’t care less what grades their peers received.
A spokesperson for the LSSA stated that the survey was prompted by students’ behavior after discovering their grades. “The rash of students that loudly blurt out their grades, good or bad, to anyone in the immediate area was definitely motivation for the survey,” the spokesperson said. “We noticed that such proclamations were generally met with looks of either disgust or disinterest, and we wanted to find out what the general public thought.”
The exact question put forth on the survey was, “Would you like to know what grades your peers received?” Based on multiple choice answers, the results were:
1. Yes 2%
2. I don’t care 27%
3. Not really 15%
4. I don’t give a flying fuck 53%
5. I hope they all die 3%
The results of a recent survey by the Law Student Survey Association (LSSA) show that the overwhelming majority of students couldn’t care less what grades their peers received.
A spokesperson for the LSSA stated that the survey was prompted by students’ behavior after discovering their grades. “The rash of students that loudly blurt out their grades, good or bad, to anyone in the immediate area was definitely motivation for the survey,” the spokesperson said. “We noticed that such proclamations were generally met with looks of either disgust or disinterest, and we wanted to find out what the general public thought.”
The exact question put forth on the survey was, “Would you like to know what grades your peers received?” Based on multiple choice answers, the results were:
1. Yes 2%
2. I don’t care 27%
3. Not really 15%
4. I don’t give a flying fuck 53%
5. I hope they all die 3%
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Professor Steenson not to be fucked with
Hans Olo, The Stool
Numerous students have recently postulated William Mitchell’s Professor Michael Steenson may be the toughest law professor on the planet. The following comprise an unconfirmed list of the professor’s tough-guy accomplishments:
1. Cancer Survivor
2. Shot with a shotgun
3. Attacked and bitten by a large dog
4. Former Marine
5. Sports a large, bushy moustache
6. Pronounces the word “guarantee” “gaar-un-tee”
“I wouldn’t want to make him mad, that’s for sure,” said Daniel Hoffmann, a 1L in Steenson’s Torts II course. “I pee a little bit every time he yells in class.”
After an informal poll, The Stool has learned that 100% of students questioned feel that Steenson could take any current US Supreme Court justice in a fight. “Especially that pussy Scalia,” 2L Dan Thompson told us. “Steenson would obliterate him. Thomas might be a little more of a challenge, but he’s probably too fat to last more than five minutes.”
Steenson has also been rumored to possess the ability to plunge his bare hands into a vat of liquid nitrogen with no ill effects. “He might be some sort of scholastic elemental,” said one source close to Steenson. “He must have a weakness. Whatever it is, I don’t think you’re going to find it if you meet him in a dark alley at 3am after a night of drinking.” Indeed not. Such a scenario is the stuff of nightmares.
Numerous students have recently postulated William Mitchell’s Professor Michael Steenson may be the toughest law professor on the planet. The following comprise an unconfirmed list of the professor’s tough-guy accomplishments:
1. Cancer Survivor
2. Shot with a shotgun
3. Attacked and bitten by a large dog
4. Former Marine
5. Sports a large, bushy moustache
6. Pronounces the word “guarantee” “gaar-un-tee”
“I wouldn’t want to make him mad, that’s for sure,” said Daniel Hoffmann, a 1L in Steenson’s Torts II course. “I pee a little bit every time he yells in class.”
After an informal poll, The Stool has learned that 100% of students questioned feel that Steenson could take any current US Supreme Court justice in a fight. “Especially that pussy Scalia,” 2L Dan Thompson told us. “Steenson would obliterate him. Thomas might be a little more of a challenge, but he’s probably too fat to last more than five minutes.”
Steenson has also been rumored to possess the ability to plunge his bare hands into a vat of liquid nitrogen with no ill effects. “He might be some sort of scholastic elemental,” said one source close to Steenson. “He must have a weakness. Whatever it is, I don’t think you’re going to find it if you meet him in a dark alley at 3am after a night of drinking.” Indeed not. Such a scenario is the stuff of nightmares.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
