Southern Procedure class to be offered next year at Mitchell

Bailey Finklestein, The Stool

Addressing what many feel is a glaring and embarrassing hole in the College’s curriculum, Dean Easley announced at a recent press conference the inclusion of Southern Procedure in next year’s course schedule.

“It’s a great fit for the College,” commented Easley, “and we’re all very pleased that we were able to lure Professor Buford Scrimshaw III away from Southern Alabama State Law and Taxidermy School to instruct our students in this valuable and exciting area of law.”

Professor Scrimshaw’s course will address mainstays of southern procedure including, but not limited to, the mopping of one’s brow and upper lip with a linen handkerchief during the examination of a witness, proper pronunciation and inflection of certain words, and how to object to a line of questioning.

When asked for a sample of subjects the course may cover, the Stool learned that, for example, southern procedure demands the emphasis be put on the first syllable of the word “idea.” Thus, the sentence “I have no idea where the car is,” becomes “I have no AH-dea where the car is.” Similarly, when objecting in a southern court, one does not merely object. One always strenuously objects. “It excites the blood,” explained professor Scrimshaw.