Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
The results of a recent survey by the Law Student Survey Association (LSSA) show that the overwhelming majority of students couldn’t care less what grades their peers received.
A spokesperson for the LSSA stated that the survey was prompted by students’ behavior after discovering their grades. “The rash of students that loudly blurt out their grades, good or bad, to anyone in the immediate area was definitely motivation for the survey,” the spokesperson said. “We noticed that such proclamations were generally met with looks of either disgust or disinterest, and we wanted to find out what the general public thought.”
The exact question put forth on the survey was, “Would you like to know what grades your peers received?” Based on multiple choice answers, the results were:
1. Yes 2%
2. I don’t care 27%
3. Not really 15%
4. I don’t give a flying fuck 53%
5. I hope they all die 3%
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.