Professor Steenson not to be fucked with

Hans Olo, The Stool

Numerous students have recently postulated William Mitchell’s Professor Michael Steenson may be the toughest law professor on the planet. The following comprise an unconfirmed list of the professor’s tough-guy accomplishments:

1. Cancer Survivor
2. Shot with a shotgun
3. Attacked and bitten by a large dog
4. Former Marine
5. Sports a large, bushy moustache
6. Pronounces the word “guarantee” “gaar-un-tee”

“I wouldn’t want to make him mad, that’s for sure,” said Daniel Hoffmann, a 1L in Steenson’s Torts II course. “I pee a little bit every time he yells in class.”

After an informal poll, The Stool has learned that 100% of students questioned feel that Steenson could take any current US Supreme Court justice in a fight. “Especially that pussy Scalia,” 2L Dan Thompson told us. “Steenson would obliterate him. Thomas might be a little more of a challenge, but he’s probably too fat to last more than five minutes.”

Steenson has also been rumored to possess the ability to plunge his bare hands into a vat of liquid nitrogen with no ill effects. “He might be some sort of scholastic elemental,” said one source close to Steenson. “He must have a weakness. Whatever it is, I don’t think you’re going to find it if you meet him in a dark alley at 3am after a night of drinking.” Indeed not. Such a scenario is the stuff of nightmares.