School institutes rule against talking like a shithead

Ray Talleyho, The Stool

Several students were shocked on Wednesday when William Mitchell announced a new policy against “talking like a shithead.” The policy, according to the William Mitchell website, expressly forbids three different types of speech: Using large words in an attempt to sound smarter than one actually is, using words of which one does not know the meaning, and asking idiotically unrelated questions at the end of class.

According to the language of the policy, any student who fails to adhere to the policy may either be ejected from class or be “subjected to rigorous humiliation” by the professor.

One professor, who chose to remain anonymous, expressed his approval for the new policy. “I really look forward to humiliating students,” he stated. “I’ve done so for my entire career, and I’ll continue to do so until I retire. Having school policy that backs me up makes it even more fun, though.”

Some students, however, had different views. “The policy seems odious, onerous, and crumblesome, if you ask me,” said Brady Thessaris, a 1L. “It really behooves me. I’m feeling quite cognizant right now, and will be expressing grievances.”