Duff McHammer, the Stool
2004 William Mitchell graduate Sven Martincoot was confused and outraged by the fact that an enormous pants bulge failed to win him his first trial.
Martincoot figured his good looks and dashing persona would easily win over the female judge and predominantly female jury, despite the fact that his client was likely guilty of first degree murder. To sweeten the pot, Martincoot decided to add "a little something" to his slacks in order to "really impress the ladies." Unfortunately for Martincoot, his scheme did not pay off.
On day one of the three-day trial, Martincoot had bulked up his trouser profile through the strategic use of a banana. "Hey, it's not like I'm lacking in that department," said Martincoot, "I just really wanted to turn heads."
After little attention was paid to the bulge on day one, on day two Martincoot opted for a kielbasa sausage. "Yeah, they definitely noticed it that second day. All of the chicks were looking," stated Martincoot, "but the trial still didn't seem to be going in my favor."
On the final day of trial, disaster struck when Martincoot showed up with a three-pound tube of ground beef stuffed into his britches. "It was awful. It started leaking and smelling really funny. Then the judge threatened me with contempt, so I had to go to the bathroom and remove [the beef]."
To make matters worse, the jury returned a verdict against Martincoot's client. "Next time I'll stick with sausage," he said.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Orientation diversity speaker happy to return to suburbs after work
Carl Aendis, The Stool
After a fire and brimstone-laced diversity speech at new student orientation, speaker Michael Kubek climbed into his 7-series BMW and headed south to his Burnsville home. “Goddammit!” screamed a thoroughly lathered Kubek while weaving through traffic, “These snot-nosed brats don’t understand diversity! Don’t they get that I play chess with the black janitor at my office?! Jesus fucking Christ! They need to pull their heads out of their asses and start SEEING people of color for a change! I can’t do this all by myself – I’m just one man – I need EVERYONE to be as accepting and selfless as I am!”
As his rant subsided, Kubek lit a cigar and settled in to a righteous funk while gripping his spittle-flecked steering wheel with white-knuckled agitation. To take his mind off the “sheer temerity” of the stunned students on whom he had just unloaded, we asked about what life was like for him when he graduated from law school.
“Oh, my wife and I lived in a little apartment in the Powderhorn neighborhood of Minneapolis. We were both working a lot, but we were young so it was okay.” We asked if he missed that little apartment where he and his wife started their professional and personal journeys together. “Fuck no! Have you been down there lately? It’s a huge shithole! You’d get shot the second you got out of your car, then your car would be stolen and sold for drugs. We got the fuck out of there as soon as possible.”
After a fire and brimstone-laced diversity speech at new student orientation, speaker Michael Kubek climbed into his 7-series BMW and headed south to his Burnsville home. “Goddammit!” screamed a thoroughly lathered Kubek while weaving through traffic, “These snot-nosed brats don’t understand diversity! Don’t they get that I play chess with the black janitor at my office?! Jesus fucking Christ! They need to pull their heads out of their asses and start SEEING people of color for a change! I can’t do this all by myself – I’m just one man – I need EVERYONE to be as accepting and selfless as I am!”
As his rant subsided, Kubek lit a cigar and settled in to a righteous funk while gripping his spittle-flecked steering wheel with white-knuckled agitation. To take his mind off the “sheer temerity” of the stunned students on whom he had just unloaded, we asked about what life was like for him when he graduated from law school.
“Oh, my wife and I lived in a little apartment in the Powderhorn neighborhood of Minneapolis. We were both working a lot, but we were young so it was okay.” We asked if he missed that little apartment where he and his wife started their professional and personal journeys together. “Fuck no! Have you been down there lately? It’s a huge shithole! You’d get shot the second you got out of your car, then your car would be stolen and sold for drugs. We got the fuck out of there as soon as possible.”
Incoming 1Ls already offended by lawyer jokes
Hans Olo, The Stool
As Patricia Heiner sat down to read about Carbolic Smoke Balls this summer, she was struck by the influence lawyers and the law have on society. “I mean, like everything is touched by the law,” said Heiner. “It’s such an important part of society, and no one has any respect for it. It’s really sad. I’m probably going to be a public interest lawyer when I get out, so I’m really sensitive to this kind of stuff.”
Heiner told The Stool about a recent family gathering that took a turn for the worse when her uncle told a lawyer joke at the dinner table. “I was just sitting there eating my minestrone when he looks at me and says ‘What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.’ Then he started laughing like an idiot. I told him to shut his fat mouth and the next thing I know I’m throwing my plate at him.”
Incoming 1L Luke Thomas, on the other hand, feels that lawyer jokes should only be told by lawyers or law students. “It’s like telling an Ole and Lena joke if you’re not Scandinavian,” said Thomas. “Not cool. You have to know what it’s like to be in that world to have the right to make fun of it.” When asked how many law school classes Thomas had under his belt at that point, he said “it doesn’t matter how many classes I’ve taken. These are my people now.”
As Patricia Heiner sat down to read about Carbolic Smoke Balls this summer, she was struck by the influence lawyers and the law have on society. “I mean, like everything is touched by the law,” said Heiner. “It’s such an important part of society, and no one has any respect for it. It’s really sad. I’m probably going to be a public interest lawyer when I get out, so I’m really sensitive to this kind of stuff.”
Heiner told The Stool about a recent family gathering that took a turn for the worse when her uncle told a lawyer joke at the dinner table. “I was just sitting there eating my minestrone when he looks at me and says ‘What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.’ Then he started laughing like an idiot. I told him to shut his fat mouth and the next thing I know I’m throwing my plate at him.”
Incoming 1L Luke Thomas, on the other hand, feels that lawyer jokes should only be told by lawyers or law students. “It’s like telling an Ole and Lena joke if you’re not Scandinavian,” said Thomas. “Not cool. You have to know what it’s like to be in that world to have the right to make fun of it.” When asked how many law school classes Thomas had under his belt at that point, he said “it doesn’t matter how many classes I’ve taken. These are my people now.”
Professor Kleinberger appointed Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
William Mitchell proudly announced yesterday that Professor Kleinberger has accepted the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts, a class recently added to the law school’s curriculum. William Mitchell is including the course as part of its ongoing integration of classes that are of dubious utility and founded on fiction.
“It’s a real honor, even though the position has been historically cursed,” said Kleinberger. “I’m happy to finally be able to proudly display my wizarding heritage, rather than resorting to all of this secrecy and references to Shrek.” Kleinberger added, “lawyers, of all people, really need to learn to defend themselves against curses. This class will give our students a much needed edge."
With that, he waved a short wooden stick at us and yelled "expelleramus!" When nothing happened, he scrambled under his desk and politely asked us to leave.
William Mitchell proudly announced yesterday that Professor Kleinberger has accepted the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts, a class recently added to the law school’s curriculum. William Mitchell is including the course as part of its ongoing integration of classes that are of dubious utility and founded on fiction.
“It’s a real honor, even though the position has been historically cursed,” said Kleinberger. “I’m happy to finally be able to proudly display my wizarding heritage, rather than resorting to all of this secrecy and references to Shrek.” Kleinberger added, “lawyers, of all people, really need to learn to defend themselves against curses. This class will give our students a much needed edge."
With that, he waved a short wooden stick at us and yelled "expelleramus!" When nothing happened, he scrambled under his desk and politely asked us to leave.
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