Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
William Mitchell proudly announced yesterday that Professor Kleinberger has accepted the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts, a class recently added to the law school’s curriculum. William Mitchell is including the course as part of its ongoing integration of classes that are of dubious utility and founded on fiction.
“It’s a real honor, even though the position has been historically cursed,” said Kleinberger. “I’m happy to finally be able to proudly display my wizarding heritage, rather than resorting to all of this secrecy and references to Shrek.” Kleinberger added, “lawyers, of all people, really need to learn to defend themselves against curses. This class will give our students a much needed edge."
With that, he waved a short wooden stick at us and yelled "expelleramus!" When nothing happened, he scrambled under his desk and politely asked us to leave.
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.