Orientation diversity speaker happy to return to suburbs after work

Carl Aendis, The Stool

After a fire and brimstone-laced diversity speech at new student orientation, speaker Michael Kubek climbed into his 7-series BMW and headed south to his Burnsville home. “Goddammit!” screamed a thoroughly lathered Kubek while weaving through traffic, “These snot-nosed brats don’t understand diversity! Don’t they get that I play chess with the black janitor at my office?! Jesus fucking Christ! They need to pull their heads out of their asses and start SEEING people of color for a change! I can’t do this all by myself – I’m just one man – I need EVERYONE to be as accepting and selfless as I am!”

As his rant subsided, Kubek lit a cigar and settled in to a righteous funk while gripping his spittle-flecked steering wheel with white-knuckled agitation. To take his mind off the “sheer temerity” of the stunned students on whom he had just unloaded, we asked about what life was like for him when he graduated from law school.

“Oh, my wife and I lived in a little apartment in the Powderhorn neighborhood of Minneapolis. We were both working a lot, but we were young so it was okay.” We asked if he missed that little apartment where he and his wife started their professional and personal journeys together. “Fuck no! Have you been down there lately? It’s a huge shithole! You’d get shot the second you got out of your car, then your car would be stolen and sold for drugs. We got the fuck out of there as soon as possible.”