Franz Pincer, The Stool
Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.
“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.
“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.
Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.
In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Simple solutions found for in-class boredom
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
As the years wear on and classes become more and more repetitive, boredom tends to take over the minds of upper-classmen. 3L and 4L students tend to let their minds wander in class, especially when discussing the finer points of state action for the three hundredth time. Some Mitchell students have come up with interesting ideas to whisk away the boredom blues.
3L Barry Svenvoldson is proud of his system. “It’s such a simple thing, I’m really amazed that I didn’t think of it years ago,” said Svenvoldson. “I just head to my car during the ten-minute break, and find my whiskey flask. I knock down about four shots of Beam, and by the time I get back to class, I’m shitfaced! It really makes that last hour fly by.”
“Some people don’t like it,” Svenvoldson continued. “I try not to be too disruptive, but I figure that my being absolutely plowed in class is a deterrent for professors to lightning bolt me. One of my drunk, rambling answers is all they need to hear, and then they never call on me again. Then there’s that Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers group. They always bug me, but I just tell them, ‘Hey! I’m not a lawyer yet! Don’t be so concerned!’”
Barry asked for a small break during our interview, but never returned. Reports suggest that he passed out in his car.
4L Natasha Lithenstein has a similarly effective means of coping with boredom. “I learned Barry’s method last year, but I decided to elaborate on it a bit. I go out to my car on the break as well, but instead of drinking, what I do is put my key in the ignition, turn it, back out of my parking space, and go home. It seems to work well for me.”
As the years wear on and classes become more and more repetitive, boredom tends to take over the minds of upper-classmen. 3L and 4L students tend to let their minds wander in class, especially when discussing the finer points of state action for the three hundredth time. Some Mitchell students have come up with interesting ideas to whisk away the boredom blues.
3L Barry Svenvoldson is proud of his system. “It’s such a simple thing, I’m really amazed that I didn’t think of it years ago,” said Svenvoldson. “I just head to my car during the ten-minute break, and find my whiskey flask. I knock down about four shots of Beam, and by the time I get back to class, I’m shitfaced! It really makes that last hour fly by.”
“Some people don’t like it,” Svenvoldson continued. “I try not to be too disruptive, but I figure that my being absolutely plowed in class is a deterrent for professors to lightning bolt me. One of my drunk, rambling answers is all they need to hear, and then they never call on me again. Then there’s that Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers group. They always bug me, but I just tell them, ‘Hey! I’m not a lawyer yet! Don’t be so concerned!’”
Barry asked for a small break during our interview, but never returned. Reports suggest that he passed out in his car.
4L Natasha Lithenstein has a similarly effective means of coping with boredom. “I learned Barry’s method last year, but I decided to elaborate on it a bit. I go out to my car on the break as well, but instead of drinking, what I do is put my key in the ignition, turn it, back out of my parking space, and go home. It seems to work well for me.”
PLP nets record number of potential attendees, disappointments
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2L happy classmates’ engagement rings aren’t as good as hers
Hans Olo, The Stool
Following a spat of summer engagements, 2L Brenda Harris-Barnes reunited with her study group last week and was relieved to see her engagement ring was still the prettiest. “Ohmygod I love my ring,” said Harris-Barnes. “Tom and I went to Jared and spent all day picking it out before he bought it. It makes my finger look tiny when I put it on – it’s just soooo pretty. I mean, [my friends’] rings are nice, but I’d have to say mine is definitely still the best I’ve ever seen.”
Harris-Barnes rarely misses an opportunity to inspect an engagement ring. “Whenever I meet someone who just got engaged, I always ask to see their ring. I’m always nice about telling them how pretty it is, but really I’m happy because it always looks so cheap compared to mine. Plus, now that I have my wedding ring beside it, it’s like twice as pretty. I can always tell they’re impressed when I show them. I’m just so lucky!”
Following a spat of summer engagements, 2L Brenda Harris-Barnes reunited with her study group last week and was relieved to see her engagement ring was still the prettiest. “Ohmygod I love my ring,” said Harris-Barnes. “Tom and I went to Jared and spent all day picking it out before he bought it. It makes my finger look tiny when I put it on – it’s just soooo pretty. I mean, [my friends’] rings are nice, but I’d have to say mine is definitely still the best I’ve ever seen.”
Harris-Barnes rarely misses an opportunity to inspect an engagement ring. “Whenever I meet someone who just got engaged, I always ask to see their ring. I’m always nice about telling them how pretty it is, but really I’m happy because it always looks so cheap compared to mine. Plus, now that I have my wedding ring beside it, it’s like twice as pretty. I can always tell they’re impressed when I show them. I’m just so lucky!”
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