Hans Olo, The Stool
After completing a blockbuster acquisition involving US News and World report Tier jockeying, and trades made from Mitchell’s minor league feeder program, Hamline, top executives and faculty at William Mitchell announced today what many feared. John Hanley, the “once in a career” law school prospect the St. Paul school fought so hard to land, will be placed on injured reserve for the entire 2009-2010 school year.
“It’s a disappointing day for us,” said Dean Janus. “It’s disappointing for the school, and for Mr. Hanley as well. I know how much he was looking forward to leading this school to a possible Tier 2 ranking, but we’ll have to put those plans on hold while we focus on getting him healthy and back into shape.”
Hanley’s meteoric rise to the top of his recruiting class came seemingly moments after he completed the new law school-centered Wonderlic test at his pro day this past May. Scouts and deans began buzzing when the results became available. “These are Cardozo-esque scores,” said one University of Michigan recruiter. “I’ve never seen someone with a more natural affinity to the law. He’s a pure talent – he’ll have an immediate impact on whatever program he ends up in.” Even the venerable Harvard scouting staff found it difficult to temper their enthusiasm. “We want him, that’s all there is to it. His analytical scores alone are enough to get him in. Add the rest, and you have the full package.”
After declaring officially for Mitchell in July, Hanley sat down with The Stool and told us about his decision. “This is something I’ve always wanted to do and my dreams are coming true now,” Hanley said. “It’s a special opportunity. William Mitchell is a leader in law schools across the country, and I wanted to be a part of the College’s tradition of excellence.”
All signs were pointing to a break-out year for Mitchell with Hanley in the fold. Many industry pundits even opined that the College had an excellent chance to catch the mighty St. Thomas in this year’s rankings. Then, this past Saturday, tragedy struck.
Coach and mentor Prof. Steenson was putting the new recruit through tort drills when the injury occurred. “It sounded a lot like a shotgun blast,” recalled Steenson. “Have you ever been shot by a shotgun? It hurts. In any event, I looked over and [Hanley] was on the floor. I scooped him up, threw him over my shoulder, jumped out the window, and ran him to the hospital.”
Unfortunately, Prof. Steenson’s heroics were too little too late to stave off Hanley’s season-ending injury. Hanley’s ailment, while rare, is occurring at an alarming rate among the glitterati of law school students across the country.
“Learned Hand surgery is the only option if a student wants a shot at ever being in the courtroom after this kind of injury. I’ve performed hundreds of Learned Hand procedures for law students all over the country,” Mayo Clinic doctor Mary Soest told us. “The procedure I performed on Mr. Hanley was successful, and there is no reason to suspect he will fail to make a complete recovery.”
Recovery from Learned Hand surgery is typically a 12 to 18-month process, and while the injury is a blow to the College’s rankings aspirations, key faculty continue to be optimistic about the future. “They could put elephant turds in my classes and I’d lecture to them as long as my check clears every two weeks,” said Prof. Jordan. “Have you seen my tricycle? Let's go downstairs and I'll show it to you."
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
First semester 1L eager to wear school sweatshirt to family function
Hans Olo, The Stool
When Dennis Framien walked in the doors of William Mitchell for the first time as a student, he knew exactly what he wanted. “A sweatshirt,” said Framien. “I’ve always wanted one, and now that I go here, I can wear one with pride.” Framien told The Stool he plans to wear the sweatshirt to family functions where his relatives can see he’s in law school “for real” and will give him the proper respect. “Yeah, I’m kind of a big deal right now. I’m in law school, and people ought to recognize that.”
Framien’s sister, Laura, caught wind of the upcoming apparel display and was unimpressed. “Of course he’s going to wear [a Mitchell sweatshirt]. Being in law school is like his life’s goal. We’ll see if he actually graduates.”
When asked about his first impressions of law school after less than a week, Framien told us, “It’s kind of more reading than I thought it would be, but WRAP doesn’t seem like that much work. I think that class will be pretty easy.”
When Dennis Framien walked in the doors of William Mitchell for the first time as a student, he knew exactly what he wanted. “A sweatshirt,” said Framien. “I’ve always wanted one, and now that I go here, I can wear one with pride.” Framien told The Stool he plans to wear the sweatshirt to family functions where his relatives can see he’s in law school “for real” and will give him the proper respect. “Yeah, I’m kind of a big deal right now. I’m in law school, and people ought to recognize that.”
Framien’s sister, Laura, caught wind of the upcoming apparel display and was unimpressed. “Of course he’s going to wear [a Mitchell sweatshirt]. Being in law school is like his life’s goal. We’ll see if he actually graduates.”
When asked about his first impressions of law school after less than a week, Framien told us, “It’s kind of more reading than I thought it would be, but WRAP doesn’t seem like that much work. I think that class will be pretty easy.”
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Dale Jr. yet to be mentioned in perplexing class
For Carrie, The Stool
As finals draw the spring semester to a close, one student remained utterly flummoxed as to the content of one of his courses.
"This class had nothing to do with racing at all," said 3L Blaine Smith, of Coon Rapids. "I was told the Racing Law class was awesome, so I took it. All they've talked about so far is minorities. What the hell? How can you offer a class in Racing Law then not even talk about NASCAR once?"
Although Smith was the first student to mistake "Race and the Law" for "Racing Law," Mitchell faculty is alarmed at the confusion. "Going forward, we decided to change the name of the course to 'Peoples With Increased Levels of Melanin in Their Skin and the Law' to avoid confusion."
Smith remains confused, but holds onto the hope that his favorite NASCAR drivers will be mentioned soon. "I would ask the prof about the migration from the Winston sponsorship to the Nextel sponsorship and I just got stared at. They didn't even talk about Midget Car racing. I mean come ON! I'm going to study up on it anyway, in case it's on the final."
As finals draw the spring semester to a close, one student remained utterly flummoxed as to the content of one of his courses.
"This class had nothing to do with racing at all," said 3L Blaine Smith, of Coon Rapids. "I was told the Racing Law class was awesome, so I took it. All they've talked about so far is minorities. What the hell? How can you offer a class in Racing Law then not even talk about NASCAR once?"
Although Smith was the first student to mistake "Race and the Law" for "Racing Law," Mitchell faculty is alarmed at the confusion. "Going forward, we decided to change the name of the course to 'Peoples With Increased Levels of Melanin in Their Skin and the Law' to avoid confusion."
Smith remains confused, but holds onto the hope that his favorite NASCAR drivers will be mentioned soon. "I would ask the prof about the migration from the Winston sponsorship to the Nextel sponsorship and I just got stared at. They didn't even talk about Midget Car racing. I mean come ON! I'm going to study up on it anyway, in case it's on the final."
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
New library policy leads to disaster
Jon Michael, The Stool
Just weeks after instituting a new policy allowing food and drink into the library at Mitchell, disaster struck. According to library personnel, instead of pouring out unwanted coffee or other beverages in a drinking fountain drain or other suitable place, students have been discarding their unwanted liquids by pouring them directly into the N.W. reporter hard copy books.
"The books are completely ruined," said one library official. "We KNEW this would happen if we let food and drinks [into the library]. Last week I found a half-eaten slice of pizza that someone had used as a bookmark, then abandoned on a table. Who does this? It's a disaster."
"I love the new policy," said 3L Lois Anderson. "If I have extra food or drink that I don't want after I'm done studying, I'll just pour it in an air vent or leave it under my chair -- that way I don't have to bother with putting it in a trash can and contributing to global warming."
Library officials are also concerned about a new trend that sees students bringing multiple pairs of pants with them for a library study session, then essentially using them as adult diapers instead of getting up to use the restroom. "When I'm studying, that's what I'm doing. I don't have to get up. Pants are cheap, tuition is not."
Just weeks after instituting a new policy allowing food and drink into the library at Mitchell, disaster struck. According to library personnel, instead of pouring out unwanted coffee or other beverages in a drinking fountain drain or other suitable place, students have been discarding their unwanted liquids by pouring them directly into the N.W. reporter hard copy books.
"The books are completely ruined," said one library official. "We KNEW this would happen if we let food and drinks [into the library]. Last week I found a half-eaten slice of pizza that someone had used as a bookmark, then abandoned on a table. Who does this? It's a disaster."
"I love the new policy," said 3L Lois Anderson. "If I have extra food or drink that I don't want after I'm done studying, I'll just pour it in an air vent or leave it under my chair -- that way I don't have to bother with putting it in a trash can and contributing to global warming."
Library officials are also concerned about a new trend that sees students bringing multiple pairs of pants with them for a library study session, then essentially using them as adult diapers instead of getting up to use the restroom. "When I'm studying, that's what I'm doing. I don't have to get up. Pants are cheap, tuition is not."
Speaker happy to present on how fucked we are
Jon Michael, The Stool
The bleak economic forecast is concerning for many of this year's crop of Mitchellites, but one upcoming speaker doesn't see what the problem is. "I'm happy to help point out to all of these bright future lawyers that I have a job, and they probably won't," said the Career Strategies for the Great Recession lecture speaker. "The best part is, I'm being paid to point out the obvious -- you have to love tuition."
Student attendees have a different outlook. "I think [the program] will be informative and useful," said 3L Lana Helms. "Of course, I don't need to work anymore. I went to New York City last week to meet with a business associate I met on the internet, and long story short, I happen to be the proud new owner of a certain historic bridge leading from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Law school is for suckers."
The Stool has been able to obtain a copy of the "What Now?" conference's schedule, listed below.
4:30-4:35 - Welcome
4:35-5:00 - Things are worse than you think they are
5:00-5:20 - You're all really fucked
5:20-5:35 - I, on the other hand, have a job and am not fucked like you, who are fucked
5:35-5:50 - Your loans will cripple you forever
5:50-5:55 - I drove here in a nice car
5:55-6:00 - Recap. You're completely fucked
6:00-6:05 - Closing. Handouts will overwhelm you on your fuckedness
6:05-6:10 - Pick up my check from Renate Behrendt
The bleak economic forecast is concerning for many of this year's crop of Mitchellites, but one upcoming speaker doesn't see what the problem is. "I'm happy to help point out to all of these bright future lawyers that I have a job, and they probably won't," said the Career Strategies for the Great Recession lecture speaker. "The best part is, I'm being paid to point out the obvious -- you have to love tuition."
Student attendees have a different outlook. "I think [the program] will be informative and useful," said 3L Lana Helms. "Of course, I don't need to work anymore. I went to New York City last week to meet with a business associate I met on the internet, and long story short, I happen to be the proud new owner of a certain historic bridge leading from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Law school is for suckers."
The Stool has been able to obtain a copy of the "What Now?" conference's schedule, listed below.
4:30-4:35 - Welcome
4:35-5:00 - Things are worse than you think they are
5:00-5:20 - You're all really fucked
5:20-5:35 - I, on the other hand, have a job and am not fucked like you, who are fucked
5:35-5:50 - Your loans will cripple you forever
5:50-5:55 - I drove here in a nice car
5:55-6:00 - Recap. You're completely fucked
6:00-6:05 - Closing. Handouts will overwhelm you on your fuckedness
6:05-6:10 - Pick up my check from Renate Behrendt
Friday, January 30, 2009
4L convinced that students are becoming more attractive
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
Each passing year at William Mitchell sees a new group of students. The old graduate or fade away into dim memories of failure, while a new, and oftentimes younger, crop of 1Ls come in to take their place; their eyes gleaming with eagerness to learn. Any Methuselah-type that lasts long enough to attain the coveted rank of 4L is certain to see many new faces over the course of his or her years at Mitchell. But could those younger faces actually be becoming more attractive? One student thinks so.
David Wooderson, a 52-year-old Custodian by day, fourth-year law student by night, is convinced that the student body is becoming more beautiful. “Look at how hot these chicks are getting!” Wooderson observed while sipping a fountain pop in Hachey Commons. “I mean shit. These chicks are way hotter than when I was a 1L. Way hotter. Shit, they’re even hotter’n when I was a 3L!”
When asked about this phenomenon, many of the mentioned 1L females reported that Wooderson was “creepy” or “disturbing”, and in some cases “a complete psycho.” “I seriously wish that he would fuck off and get his old balls out of my class,” said 1L Emily Harpenger, “And if I ever get another Facebook friend request from him I swear I’m going to get a restraining order.”
Wooderson takes it all in stride. “I know I’m a little older than them, but shit. I might not be able to buy the food, but I can sure look at the menu.” His eyes wander to a girl who walks by his table. “That’s what I like about these 1L girls. I get older, and they stay the same age.”
Each passing year at William Mitchell sees a new group of students. The old graduate or fade away into dim memories of failure, while a new, and oftentimes younger, crop of 1Ls come in to take their place; their eyes gleaming with eagerness to learn. Any Methuselah-type that lasts long enough to attain the coveted rank of 4L is certain to see many new faces over the course of his or her years at Mitchell. But could those younger faces actually be becoming more attractive? One student thinks so.
David Wooderson, a 52-year-old Custodian by day, fourth-year law student by night, is convinced that the student body is becoming more beautiful. “Look at how hot these chicks are getting!” Wooderson observed while sipping a fountain pop in Hachey Commons. “I mean shit. These chicks are way hotter than when I was a 1L. Way hotter. Shit, they’re even hotter’n when I was a 3L!”
When asked about this phenomenon, many of the mentioned 1L females reported that Wooderson was “creepy” or “disturbing”, and in some cases “a complete psycho.” “I seriously wish that he would fuck off and get his old balls out of my class,” said 1L Emily Harpenger, “And if I ever get another Facebook friend request from him I swear I’m going to get a restraining order.”
Wooderson takes it all in stride. “I know I’m a little older than them, but shit. I might not be able to buy the food, but I can sure look at the menu.” His eyes wander to a girl who walks by his table. “That’s what I like about these 1L girls. I get older, and they stay the same age.”
Monday, January 26, 2009
Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers meeting ends in arrests
Jon McClay, The Stool
As the alcoholic support group, Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers, began its first meeting of the new year last week, Mitchell 2Ls Tina Makine and John Aeien began surreptitiously passing a flask filled with Root 100 between themselves during the meeting's "slower moments." "Well, it gets really boring sitting there listening to [the meeting], so Tina and I thought this might make the time pass a little faster," said Aeien.
The group's members and leader, however, were not amused. "It's an affront to everything this organization stands for," said LCfL president Micha Boehr. "I find it offensive on a professional level, a personal level, and a spiritual level. This is not a high school classroom where one should feel the need to 'get away with something.' It's an organization that helps many different people through terribly difficult times in their lives."
"My GOD he so high strung," said Aeien when asked to respond to Boehr's statement. "Jesus man, it was just a little flask. It's not like we brought the whole bottle in."
Boehr apparently became aware something was amiss during the session in question when many of the group's members became more emotional and gregarious than they had in the past. "After we had passed it back and forth a couple times, people sitting around us started asking for a pull, so we gave it to them too," said Makine. "It's a victimless crime -- it's not even a crime! It was a victimless activity! Although I have to say a lot of those people don't know the old 'sip, sip, pass' rule. They just started pounding it until the next person took it away from them."
Police intervention was soon called for as members of the group began throwing punches and ill-conceived karate chops to be the next to take from the flask. William Mitchell security personnel did their part during the fracas by ensuring all cars parked in the Summit lot displayed an appropriate parking permit sticker.
As the alcoholic support group, Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers, began its first meeting of the new year last week, Mitchell 2Ls Tina Makine and John Aeien began surreptitiously passing a flask filled with Root 100 between themselves during the meeting's "slower moments." "Well, it gets really boring sitting there listening to [the meeting], so Tina and I thought this might make the time pass a little faster," said Aeien.
The group's members and leader, however, were not amused. "It's an affront to everything this organization stands for," said LCfL president Micha Boehr. "I find it offensive on a professional level, a personal level, and a spiritual level. This is not a high school classroom where one should feel the need to 'get away with something.' It's an organization that helps many different people through terribly difficult times in their lives."
"My GOD he so high strung," said Aeien when asked to respond to Boehr's statement. "Jesus man, it was just a little flask. It's not like we brought the whole bottle in."
Boehr apparently became aware something was amiss during the session in question when many of the group's members became more emotional and gregarious than they had in the past. "After we had passed it back and forth a couple times, people sitting around us started asking for a pull, so we gave it to them too," said Makine. "It's a victimless crime -- it's not even a crime! It was a victimless activity! Although I have to say a lot of those people don't know the old 'sip, sip, pass' rule. They just started pounding it until the next person took it away from them."
Police intervention was soon called for as members of the group began throwing punches and ill-conceived karate chops to be the next to take from the flask. William Mitchell security personnel did their part during the fracas by ensuring all cars parked in the Summit lot displayed an appropriate parking permit sticker.
Starbucks announces new cost-saving measures
Jon McClay, The Stool
In an unprecedented attempt to drive down staggering costs in a frozen economic climate, Starbucks representatives today announced the company would be opening new stores in selected Caribou Coffee locations.
"Our customers are demanding more of us in this time when they have less," said Luke Donald, Mitchell alum and present Starbucks spokesperson. "To meet the need for great Starbucks coffee at a great price, we're proud to announce you'll soon be able to pick up a cup of your favorite Starbucks blend when you're at a participating Caribou Coffee establishment."
The plan is based on what Donald describes as "integral synergistic tendencies that are redundant in all Starbucks and Caribou locations." Simply put, the proposed marriage will feature Starbucks signage and branding in participating locations in the same vein as they exist in any pre-established brick-and-mortar establishments, such as a grocery store or library.
"It's a great opportunity for Starbucks," said Donald. "The Caribou brand is strong, and reinforcing that great brand with our own can only lead to success." When asked whether it would be awkward to let retail space from a primary competitor in that competitor's very store, Donald said, "we all need to work together -- especially during these times. With Caribou's multiple retail locations and our coffee, the sky's the limit. We, of course, intend to supply our own baristas."
In an unprecedented attempt to drive down staggering costs in a frozen economic climate, Starbucks representatives today announced the company would be opening new stores in selected Caribou Coffee locations.
"Our customers are demanding more of us in this time when they have less," said Luke Donald, Mitchell alum and present Starbucks spokesperson. "To meet the need for great Starbucks coffee at a great price, we're proud to announce you'll soon be able to pick up a cup of your favorite Starbucks blend when you're at a participating Caribou Coffee establishment."
The plan is based on what Donald describes as "integral synergistic tendencies that are redundant in all Starbucks and Caribou locations." Simply put, the proposed marriage will feature Starbucks signage and branding in participating locations in the same vein as they exist in any pre-established brick-and-mortar establishments, such as a grocery store or library.
"It's a great opportunity for Starbucks," said Donald. "The Caribou brand is strong, and reinforcing that great brand with our own can only lead to success." When asked whether it would be awkward to let retail space from a primary competitor in that competitor's very store, Donald said, "we all need to work together -- especially during these times. With Caribou's multiple retail locations and our coffee, the sky's the limit. We, of course, intend to supply our own baristas."
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