Highly-touted 1L injured, likely out for year

Hans Olo, The Stool

After completing a blockbuster acquisition involving US News and World report Tier jockeying, and trades made from Mitchell’s minor league feeder program, Hamline, top executives and faculty at William Mitchell announced today what many feared. John Hanley, the “once in a career” law school prospect the St. Paul school fought so hard to land, will be placed on injured reserve for the entire 2009-2010 school year.

“It’s a disappointing day for us,” said Dean Janus. “It’s disappointing for the school, and for Mr. Hanley as well. I know how much he was looking forward to leading this school to a possible Tier 2 ranking, but we’ll have to put those plans on hold while we focus on getting him healthy and back into shape.”

Hanley’s meteoric rise to the top of his recruiting class came seemingly moments after he completed the new law school-centered Wonderlic test at his pro day this past May. Scouts and deans began buzzing when the results became available. “These are Cardozo-esque scores,” said one University of Michigan recruiter. “I’ve never seen someone with a more natural affinity to the law. He’s a pure talent – he’ll have an immediate impact on whatever program he ends up in.” Even the venerable Harvard scouting staff found it difficult to temper their enthusiasm. “We want him, that’s all there is to it. His analytical scores alone are enough to get him in. Add the rest, and you have the full package.”

After declaring officially for Mitchell in July, Hanley sat down with The Stool and told us about his decision. “This is something I’ve always wanted to do and my dreams are coming true now,” Hanley said. “It’s a special opportunity. William Mitchell is a leader in law schools across the country, and I wanted to be a part of the College’s tradition of excellence.”

All signs were pointing to a break-out year for Mitchell with Hanley in the fold. Many industry pundits even opined that the College had an excellent chance to catch the mighty St. Thomas in this year’s rankings. Then, this past Saturday, tragedy struck.

Coach and mentor Prof. Steenson was putting the new recruit through tort drills when the injury occurred. “It sounded a lot like a shotgun blast,” recalled Steenson. “Have you ever been shot by a shotgun? It hurts. In any event, I looked over and [Hanley] was on the floor. I scooped him up, threw him over my shoulder, jumped out the window, and ran him to the hospital.”

Unfortunately, Prof. Steenson’s heroics were too little too late to stave off Hanley’s season-ending injury. Hanley’s ailment, while rare, is occurring at an alarming rate among the glitterati of law school students across the country.

“Learned Hand surgery is the only option if a student wants a shot at ever being in the courtroom after this kind of injury. I’ve performed hundreds of Learned Hand procedures for law students all over the country,” Mayo Clinic doctor Mary Soest told us. “The procedure I performed on Mr. Hanley was successful, and there is no reason to suspect he will fail to make a complete recovery.”

Recovery from Learned Hand surgery is typically a 12 to 18-month process, and while the injury is a blow to the College’s rankings aspirations, key faculty continue to be optimistic about the future. “They could put elephant turds in my classes and I’d lecture to them as long as my check clears every two weeks,” said Prof. Jordan. “Have you seen my tricycle? Let's go downstairs and I'll show it to you."