Hans Olo, The Stool
When Dennis Framien walked in the doors of William Mitchell for the first time as a student, he knew exactly what he wanted. “A sweatshirt,” said Framien. “I’ve always wanted one, and now that I go here, I can wear one with pride.” Framien told The Stool he plans to wear the sweatshirt to family functions where his relatives can see he’s in law school “for real” and will give him the proper respect. “Yeah, I’m kind of a big deal right now. I’m in law school, and people ought to recognize that.”
Framien’s sister, Laura, caught wind of the upcoming apparel display and was unimpressed. “Of course he’s going to wear [a Mitchell sweatshirt]. Being in law school is like his life’s goal. We’ll see if he actually graduates.”
When asked about his first impressions of law school after less than a week, Framien told us, “It’s kind of more reading than I thought it would be, but WRAP doesn’t seem like that much work. I think that class will be pretty easy.”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.