3L Mark Johnston found himself thrust into a potentially uncomfortable situation as he visited the restroom during the 10 minute mid-point break of his two-hour family law class last Tuesday.
“I was at the urinal in mid stream when the prof walked in and pulled up to the station at the end of the row. I knew I would have to either wait until he was nearly done washing his hands to start my shaking routine, or I would have to pinch it off right then so I could be sure my hands were washed and I was gone before he finished.”
Johnston feared what many men fear – a forced 30 to 90 second conversation about something mundane while holding, or closely appurtenant to holding, one’s penis.
“It’s especially bad when it’s a prof,” explained Johnston. “Because what do you really have in common besides pissing and your class? It’s not really a get-to-know-you-better situation, and asking a question about class is likely to lead to a longer discussion than you’re really after.”
Experts in social behavior and bathroom etiquette advise that men who face this situation do what Johnston ultimately decided to do: wait. “It might seem a bit strange to be standing there for so long,” said sociologist and author Werner Huxley. “However, if you coincide your flush and hand washing with your opponent’s hand drying, you have the best chance of appearing normal without looking like you’re running away. By the time you’re done washing, you’ll be in the clear.”
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Greenacre a stunning success in the field of reverse psychology
Hans Olo, The Stool
Greenacre organizers claimed absolute victory after the event concluded with an eye-popping number of participants in attendance. “We were hoping to fool people into thinking we wanted them to show up,” said chief organizer Dominique Jackson. “We had a table in the hallway, posters – the works. At the end of our ‘marketing’ campaign we had the student body right where we wanted them.”
Jackson explained that the actual goal for this year’s Greenacre was to have no one show up. “It was a very subtle experiment in human group think. When you don’t want someone to do something, our data suggest you should try like the dickens to get them to do it.”
The scene at Greenacre was subdued and decidedly academic 1L Tom Giensk told us. “Well, the place was all decorated and there was food and everything, but there wasn’t really anyone else there. I felt kind of bad for the people putting it on.”
Unbeknownst to Giensk, Jackson was monitoring the event from a control center set up next door. “A few people showed up,” said Jackson. “Next year we’ll have to double our efforts, and if everything goes well, no one will come.”
Greenacre organizers claimed absolute victory after the event concluded with an eye-popping number of participants in attendance. “We were hoping to fool people into thinking we wanted them to show up,” said chief organizer Dominique Jackson. “We had a table in the hallway, posters – the works. At the end of our ‘marketing’ campaign we had the student body right where we wanted them.”
Jackson explained that the actual goal for this year’s Greenacre was to have no one show up. “It was a very subtle experiment in human group think. When you don’t want someone to do something, our data suggest you should try like the dickens to get them to do it.”
The scene at Greenacre was subdued and decidedly academic 1L Tom Giensk told us. “Well, the place was all decorated and there was food and everything, but there wasn’t really anyone else there. I felt kind of bad for the people putting it on.”
Unbeknownst to Giensk, Jackson was monitoring the event from a control center set up next door. “A few people showed up,” said Jackson. “Next year we’ll have to double our efforts, and if everything goes well, no one will come.”
Student with remarkably high LSAT score brags, fails
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
This fall, 1L Larry Karmstein was incredibly optimistic as he purchased his books and started preparing for classes. He had enrolled at William Mitchell after scoring a remarkable 178 on the LSAT. When one of the bookstore attendants expressed that he felt sorry for Karmstein for having to go through WRAP, Karmstein replied, "Oh, no problem. I got a 178 on my LSAT."
"Oh, I remember that guy. He was a dick," reports 1L Anna Lenderson, "I introduced myself to him during orientation. The first thing he asked was what my LSAT score was. I was like, um, yeah, whatever. So he just blurts out that he scored a 178. I was like, 'Good for you, go away.'"
Karmstein's good fortune and high marks weren't destined to last,
however. He failed both Torts I and Property I, and was ejected from school shortly thereafter.
Karmstein was, apparently, a victim of freakish good luck. He was one of the very few people who manage to guess an incredibly high number of answers correctly on the multiple-choice LSAT.
"The fact of the matter is that the guy was an idiot," said his unnamed Contracts professor. "A lucky idiot, but still an idiot."
This fall, 1L Larry Karmstein was incredibly optimistic as he purchased his books and started preparing for classes. He had enrolled at William Mitchell after scoring a remarkable 178 on the LSAT. When one of the bookstore attendants expressed that he felt sorry for Karmstein for having to go through WRAP, Karmstein replied, "Oh, no problem. I got a 178 on my LSAT."
"Oh, I remember that guy. He was a dick," reports 1L Anna Lenderson, "I introduced myself to him during orientation. The first thing he asked was what my LSAT score was. I was like, um, yeah, whatever. So he just blurts out that he scored a 178. I was like, 'Good for you, go away.'"
Karmstein's good fortune and high marks weren't destined to last,
however. He failed both Torts I and Property I, and was ejected from school shortly thereafter.
Karmstein was, apparently, a victim of freakish good luck. He was one of the very few people who manage to guess an incredibly high number of answers correctly on the multiple-choice LSAT.
"The fact of the matter is that the guy was an idiot," said his unnamed Contracts professor. "A lucky idiot, but still an idiot."
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
The Stool for all seasons
A Special Announcement from The Stool
As we begin the SBA elections and the faculty chuckle amongst themselves at our ham-fisted attempts at “governance,” we at The Stool would like to officially throw our hats in the ring as a write-in candidate for SBA President. Yes, we realize this is last minute. Yes, we realize you’re not familiar with our platform. Yes, we realize you – like us – couldn’t give two fucks about these absurd elections. Now, finally, you have a reason to care. Behold, The Stool’s platform:
1. When elected, we will immediately abolish all other offices and declare the SBA a monarchy.
2. The Monarch will make court appointments based on important physical characteristics, such as boob size and crotch bulgy-ness.
3. To show our disapproval during council sessions, we will shit in our hands and throw it at the offending party.
4. We will see to it that faculty are provided bullwhips and taser guns for those gunners who just can’t seem to shut the fuck up during class.
5. We will demand we be carried to and from classes on a litter manned by eunuchs trained in hand-to-hand combat in the jungles primeval of Laos.
6. The café thingy will give each student one free meal per week – if $20k per year can’t cover a slice of pizza every once in a while, then we have big problems.
7. Membership in a new student organization called Long Live The Stool And Its Incredibly Good Looking Phalanx Of Writers will become mandatory for students and faculty.
8. We will reserve the right to implement other changes based on whim and/or whimsy, whichever comes first.
To accomplish these important and reasonable goals, The Stool plans to implement a rigorous and hard-hitting advertising campaign around school using campaign posters. Watch for downloadable versions of these posters that you – our loyal and obviously incredibly intelligent readers – will be able to print out and post around school yourself. If we get to it. We’re really lazy. We might just put up a picture of ham.
Remember, for change that will make a difference, write in The Stool!
As we begin the SBA elections and the faculty chuckle amongst themselves at our ham-fisted attempts at “governance,” we at The Stool would like to officially throw our hats in the ring as a write-in candidate for SBA President. Yes, we realize this is last minute. Yes, we realize you’re not familiar with our platform. Yes, we realize you – like us – couldn’t give two fucks about these absurd elections. Now, finally, you have a reason to care. Behold, The Stool’s platform:
1. When elected, we will immediately abolish all other offices and declare the SBA a monarchy.
2. The Monarch will make court appointments based on important physical characteristics, such as boob size and crotch bulgy-ness.
3. To show our disapproval during council sessions, we will shit in our hands and throw it at the offending party.
4. We will see to it that faculty are provided bullwhips and taser guns for those gunners who just can’t seem to shut the fuck up during class.
5. We will demand we be carried to and from classes on a litter manned by eunuchs trained in hand-to-hand combat in the jungles primeval of Laos.
6. The café thingy will give each student one free meal per week – if $20k per year can’t cover a slice of pizza every once in a while, then we have big problems.
7. Membership in a new student organization called Long Live The Stool And Its Incredibly Good Looking Phalanx Of Writers will become mandatory for students and faculty.
8. We will reserve the right to implement other changes based on whim and/or whimsy, whichever comes first.
To accomplish these important and reasonable goals, The Stool plans to implement a rigorous and hard-hitting advertising campaign around school using campaign posters. Watch for downloadable versions of these posters that you – our loyal and obviously incredibly intelligent readers – will be able to print out and post around school yourself. If we get to it. We’re really lazy. We might just put up a picture of ham.
Remember, for change that will make a difference, write in The Stool!
Friday, March 23, 2007
Starry-eyed public defender quickly becomes jaded
Amanda Webber, The Stool
After accepting a position as a Hennepin County public defender, Jane Hill had high hopes. “I wanted to make a difference and speak for those whose voice is often ignored,” Hill told the Stool. “I got to work energized and driven. That lasted for about two weeks.” Things began to derail for Hill when she realized everyone was guilty.
“Well, I hate to say it, but they’re just ALL guilty. It wasn’t public defense, it was a jail conveyor belt,” said Hill. “After a month I quit and picked up a position at [a large firm in Minneapolis]. Hey, I didn’t eat mountains of shit sandwiches and incur $100,000 in debt to get paid less than a shift supervisor at Bruegger’s. Momma needs her Fendi handbags. Someone else can defend the great unwashed.”
When the Stool related Hill’s story to assorted Mitchell faculty, each expressed outrage and shock that anyone could be so self serving and callous. Later that day, each drove back to their suburban homes and ate a nice meal finished off by a lovely glass of wine.
After accepting a position as a Hennepin County public defender, Jane Hill had high hopes. “I wanted to make a difference and speak for those whose voice is often ignored,” Hill told the Stool. “I got to work energized and driven. That lasted for about two weeks.” Things began to derail for Hill when she realized everyone was guilty.
“Well, I hate to say it, but they’re just ALL guilty. It wasn’t public defense, it was a jail conveyor belt,” said Hill. “After a month I quit and picked up a position at [a large firm in Minneapolis]. Hey, I didn’t eat mountains of shit sandwiches and incur $100,000 in debt to get paid less than a shift supervisor at Bruegger’s. Momma needs her Fendi handbags. Someone else can defend the great unwashed.”
When the Stool related Hill’s story to assorted Mitchell faculty, each expressed outrage and shock that anyone could be so self serving and callous. Later that day, each drove back to their suburban homes and ate a nice meal finished off by a lovely glass of wine.
Professor Pannier shaken after nightmare
Hans Olo, The Stool
Following waking up in a veritable pool of sweat brought on by a particularly vivid nightmare last night, the Professor recounted his experience to a Stool insider.
“I was in Hell, and I was being forced to memorize the New York City phone book,” a visibly shaken Pannier told us. “I kept trying to point out to the demons and imps who were torturing me that I could simply look up the information in the very book I was being forced to memorize whenever I needed it, but they would hear none of it.”
Dreams about completely pointless, utterly useless wastes of time such as memorizing large amounts of material taken from easily referenced sources is a theme that haunts the dreams of many people connected to Pannier. 2L Clay Boyton gave us his thoughts on this phenomenon. “When I have a dream like that, it usually lasts between 50 and 100 minutes. They tend to subside within nine to ten months.”
Following waking up in a veritable pool of sweat brought on by a particularly vivid nightmare last night, the Professor recounted his experience to a Stool insider.
“I was in Hell, and I was being forced to memorize the New York City phone book,” a visibly shaken Pannier told us. “I kept trying to point out to the demons and imps who were torturing me that I could simply look up the information in the very book I was being forced to memorize whenever I needed it, but they would hear none of it.”
Dreams about completely pointless, utterly useless wastes of time such as memorizing large amounts of material taken from easily referenced sources is a theme that haunts the dreams of many people connected to Pannier. 2L Clay Boyton gave us his thoughts on this phenomenon. “When I have a dream like that, it usually lasts between 50 and 100 minutes. They tend to subside within nine to ten months.”
Friday, March 16, 2007
Register for the First Annual Men in Law Cock Measuring
An Announcement From The Stool
In order to promote a school environment that is free of gender discrimination, The Stool is proud to announce the first annual MLSA Cock Measuring session. The gathering will take place at the same time as the WLSA Women in Law Tea, Wednesday March 21 at 5:00 to 7:30 PM, in the Men’s Room across from the auditorium.
Male William Mitchell students are encouraged to register in advance for this important social event. Members of prominent Minneapolis/St. Paul law firms will be present. The gathering will consist of networking and, of course, cock measuring.
“I think I’ve got a pretty big cock, so I’ll probably stop by” 4L Jake Thomm told the Stool during an information session in Hachey Commons. “It’s not like I have a holster or anything, but I usually get the appreciative nod when someone pulls up next to me at a urinal and looks over.”
Other students aren’t so sure. “Well, I guess I would call it average” said 2L Greg Fellows. “I would hate to get there and be the smallest. I think I’ll probably give myself a little tune-up before it starts.”
Attendees will be put in a drawing to win one of two rulers and a c-ring.
In order to promote a school environment that is free of gender discrimination, The Stool is proud to announce the first annual MLSA Cock Measuring session. The gathering will take place at the same time as the WLSA Women in Law Tea, Wednesday March 21 at 5:00 to 7:30 PM, in the Men’s Room across from the auditorium.
Male William Mitchell students are encouraged to register in advance for this important social event. Members of prominent Minneapolis/St. Paul law firms will be present. The gathering will consist of networking and, of course, cock measuring.
“I think I’ve got a pretty big cock, so I’ll probably stop by” 4L Jake Thomm told the Stool during an information session in Hachey Commons. “It’s not like I have a holster or anything, but I usually get the appreciative nod when someone pulls up next to me at a urinal and looks over.”
Other students aren’t so sure. “Well, I guess I would call it average” said 2L Greg Fellows. “I would hate to get there and be the smallest. I think I’ll probably give myself a little tune-up before it starts.”
Attendees will be put in a drawing to win one of two rulers and a c-ring.
Laptop malfunction, poor handwriting result in disaster
Snivelsome Oldbean, the Stool
In this era of high technology, the use of computers has become an almost essential part of law school life. Many students rely on their laptops for everything from assignments to exams. The loss of a functional laptop can prove devastating.
2L Mark Mulman found out just how bad it could be during his Family Law exam this fall. “I hadn’t even written anything and my computer just blew up,” said Mulman. “The screen went dark and I smelled something burning. I had to grab a bluebook and try to keep going.”
From there, things only got worse for Mulman. “My handwriting is so bad that I couldn’t even read it,” he said, his eyes beginning to water. “I tried to just draw a diagram instead…you know, a picture. It turned out looking all wrong, so I made it into a smiling muffin, and wrote the word MUFFIN above it in huge letters.”
Mulman refuses to talk about the rest of the exam period, but according to several classmates, he started screaming and pounding his laptop until keys started flying off. He was escorted out by security.
“They didn’t even let me turn in my Muffin picture,” Mulman said, “I’m sure that would have got me at least a C.”
In this era of high technology, the use of computers has become an almost essential part of law school life. Many students rely on their laptops for everything from assignments to exams. The loss of a functional laptop can prove devastating.
2L Mark Mulman found out just how bad it could be during his Family Law exam this fall. “I hadn’t even written anything and my computer just blew up,” said Mulman. “The screen went dark and I smelled something burning. I had to grab a bluebook and try to keep going.”
From there, things only got worse for Mulman. “My handwriting is so bad that I couldn’t even read it,” he said, his eyes beginning to water. “I tried to just draw a diagram instead…you know, a picture. It turned out looking all wrong, so I made it into a smiling muffin, and wrote the word MUFFIN above it in huge letters.”
Mulman refuses to talk about the rest of the exam period, but according to several classmates, he started screaming and pounding his laptop until keys started flying off. He was escorted out by security.
“They didn’t even let me turn in my Muffin picture,” Mulman said, “I’m sure that would have got me at least a C.”
Point, counter-point: PLPs
Staff Contributors, The Stool
Staff members at the Stool recently sat down with PLP coordinators and policy-makers to discuss PLPs and their role in student’s lives.
Faculty: PLPs give students the opportunity to experience many different facets of law while addressing the social and diversity-conscious underpinnings William Mitchell strives to explore and maintain.
The Stool: I can’t recall actually learning a single thing in any of the PLPs I’ve attended. Wait, that’s not true. I learned that the cafeteria Pizza tastes like ass. I’m a much more socially conscious person because of it.
Faculty: We know PLPs can be a sore subject – especially for our part-time students, but please refrain from cursing.
The Stool: You’re right. We shouldn’t swear. Tell you what, we’ll stop swearing when you start lowering tuition.
Faculty: We thought this was going to be a discussion about PLPs and their role in student’s lives. If you’re interested in setting up another time to discuss tuition, we would be more than happy to talk with you about it.
The Stool: How about this?
The interview then quickly degenerated after a Stool staffer began punching faculty members in the crotch. That staff member has been terminated. The Stool would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the Dean of Students who seemed to take the brunt of the abuse.
Staff members at the Stool recently sat down with PLP coordinators and policy-makers to discuss PLPs and their role in student’s lives.
Faculty: PLPs give students the opportunity to experience many different facets of law while addressing the social and diversity-conscious underpinnings William Mitchell strives to explore and maintain.
The Stool: I can’t recall actually learning a single thing in any of the PLPs I’ve attended. Wait, that’s not true. I learned that the cafeteria Pizza tastes like ass. I’m a much more socially conscious person because of it.
Faculty: We know PLPs can be a sore subject – especially for our part-time students, but please refrain from cursing.
The Stool: You’re right. We shouldn’t swear. Tell you what, we’ll stop swearing when you start lowering tuition.
Faculty: We thought this was going to be a discussion about PLPs and their role in student’s lives. If you’re interested in setting up another time to discuss tuition, we would be more than happy to talk with you about it.
The Stool: How about this?
The interview then quickly degenerated after a Stool staffer began punching faculty members in the crotch. That staff member has been terminated. The Stool would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the Dean of Students who seemed to take the brunt of the abuse.
1L shunned after poorly timed question
Hans Olo, The Stool
As her civil procedure class wound down to the final minutes last Friday, Lisa Greico committed what many consider to be a terrible social blunder.
“Our prof asked if there were any questions before we broke for the weekend, and I was curious about [personal jurisdiction] so I asked. After class everyone was kind of saying things under their breath and looking at me. I don’t get it” said Greico.
Greico had fallen victim to the common “any last questions?” rhetorical question gaffe. “You just want to get the hell out of there,” 3L Justin Leeper told us. “Profs only ask that at the end of class because they feel like they have to. Anyone who actually asks a question a minute or two before the end of class on a Friday – or any day really – should be hit in the throat with a tack hammer.”
“The best thing to do if you have a question at the end of class is just go up and ask the prof after class is over,” 2L Leslie Carlisle said. “That way we don’t have to sit there and pretend to listen to the answer.”
As her civil procedure class wound down to the final minutes last Friday, Lisa Greico committed what many consider to be a terrible social blunder.
“Our prof asked if there were any questions before we broke for the weekend, and I was curious about [personal jurisdiction] so I asked. After class everyone was kind of saying things under their breath and looking at me. I don’t get it” said Greico.
Greico had fallen victim to the common “any last questions?” rhetorical question gaffe. “You just want to get the hell out of there,” 3L Justin Leeper told us. “Profs only ask that at the end of class because they feel like they have to. Anyone who actually asks a question a minute or two before the end of class on a Friday – or any day really – should be hit in the throat with a tack hammer.”
“The best thing to do if you have a question at the end of class is just go up and ask the prof after class is over,” 2L Leslie Carlisle said. “That way we don’t have to sit there and pretend to listen to the answer.”
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Students make startling nickname discovery at local bar
Hans Olo, The Stool
After meeting by chance at the Happy Gnome last Thursday night, two groups of friends who attend the same class, but had never met, realized they shared similar nicknames for the same annoying student in their Constitutional Law class.
“We call him ‘The Asslicker’ because he’s constantly sucking up to the prof,” 2L Simone DeVries told us recently. “Then [my friend Brett and I] found out that Jenny and Kyle call him ‘Shitstack,’ because whenever he opens his mouth bullshit piles up. It was pretty funny.”
Kyle Vandervoort also found the similarity in nicknames amusing. “When Brett told us he and Simone called him ‘The Asslicker’ I almost fell off my chair laughing. It’s just so fitting. That guy is a huge douche. Come to think of it, I guess the nicknames aren’t really that similar. They’re still funny though…whatever.”
After many Belgian beers and two solid hours of bonding, the newly-found friends realized they needed to agree on one common nickname they could all use. “We decided on ‘The Ass-Stack,’” 2L Jenny Peters said. “It’s good, but I think Dan and I are still going to call him ‘Shitstack’ when it’s just us. It just rolls off the tongue a little better.”
After meeting by chance at the Happy Gnome last Thursday night, two groups of friends who attend the same class, but had never met, realized they shared similar nicknames for the same annoying student in their Constitutional Law class.
“We call him ‘The Asslicker’ because he’s constantly sucking up to the prof,” 2L Simone DeVries told us recently. “Then [my friend Brett and I] found out that Jenny and Kyle call him ‘Shitstack,’ because whenever he opens his mouth bullshit piles up. It was pretty funny.”
Kyle Vandervoort also found the similarity in nicknames amusing. “When Brett told us he and Simone called him ‘The Asslicker’ I almost fell off my chair laughing. It’s just so fitting. That guy is a huge douche. Come to think of it, I guess the nicknames aren’t really that similar. They’re still funny though…whatever.”
After many Belgian beers and two solid hours of bonding, the newly-found friends realized they needed to agree on one common nickname they could all use. “We decided on ‘The Ass-Stack,’” 2L Jenny Peters said. “It’s good, but I think Dan and I are still going to call him ‘Shitstack’ when it’s just us. It just rolls off the tongue a little better.”
3L much more confident after watching UFC event at friend’s house
Penelopy Burke, The Stool
Mitch Conner, 3L, came home after watching UFC 68 feeling like he could “take anybody.” “It all just really clicked for me,” Conner said. “I really studied the fighter’s styles and wrestling moves – it’s all about manipulation and leverage. Once you understand that, and how to throw a punch, it’s easy.”
When asked if he had ever taken a mixed martial arts class, or participated in boxing or wrestling, Conner responded, “no, but that doesn’t matter. I’m awesome at picking stuff up by watching it. Check it out.” Conner then vigorously punched at the air in front of him for 30 seconds before he became too winded to speak.
After recovering, Conner continued. “Now I can walk into a bar and know that if I get fucked with, it’s cool. I will own anyone who wants a piece of me. The rear naked choke is my favorite move so far. It looks super easy to do, and it’s really effective.”
Conner now insists his friends refer to him as “Counselor Crushin’ Stuff.”
Mitch Conner, 3L, came home after watching UFC 68 feeling like he could “take anybody.” “It all just really clicked for me,” Conner said. “I really studied the fighter’s styles and wrestling moves – it’s all about manipulation and leverage. Once you understand that, and how to throw a punch, it’s easy.”
When asked if he had ever taken a mixed martial arts class, or participated in boxing or wrestling, Conner responded, “no, but that doesn’t matter. I’m awesome at picking stuff up by watching it. Check it out.” Conner then vigorously punched at the air in front of him for 30 seconds before he became too winded to speak.
After recovering, Conner continued. “Now I can walk into a bar and know that if I get fucked with, it’s cool. I will own anyone who wants a piece of me. The rear naked choke is my favorite move so far. It looks super easy to do, and it’s really effective.”
Conner now insists his friends refer to him as “Counselor Crushin’ Stuff.”
U of M Students challenge Mitchell students to “old fashioned rumble”
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
A contingent of students from the University of Minnesota Law School came to William Mitchell today and proclaimed there would be a “rumble” in the Mitchell parking lot “after class.” The U of M students were clad in denim jackets, and brandished a wide variety of bludgeoning weapons ranging from baseball bats to large chains. Their speech included phrases like “crazy cat” and “buzz it, old man,” and they snapped their fingers as they spoke, but their message was clear: There will be a bloodfest.
“They’re just jealous because we have a way cooler library,” stated Jeff Goodson, a Mitchell 2L. “That, and we have a nicer campus, better classes, and a much more attractive student body in general.”
When asked whether he would be joining his fellow Mitchell students in the rumble in the parking lot, Goodson replied, “Oh yeah, I’ll totally be there. I’m sure there are all sorts of tort issues here, but when it comes right down to it, those [U of M students] just need a good ass whoopin’.”
If you would like to participate in tonight’s rumble, join us in the main parking lot at 9:30 PM. Bring a blunt object. Pizza will be provided. Diversity PLP credit is available.
A contingent of students from the University of Minnesota Law School came to William Mitchell today and proclaimed there would be a “rumble” in the Mitchell parking lot “after class.” The U of M students were clad in denim jackets, and brandished a wide variety of bludgeoning weapons ranging from baseball bats to large chains. Their speech included phrases like “crazy cat” and “buzz it, old man,” and they snapped their fingers as they spoke, but their message was clear: There will be a bloodfest.
“They’re just jealous because we have a way cooler library,” stated Jeff Goodson, a Mitchell 2L. “That, and we have a nicer campus, better classes, and a much more attractive student body in general.”
When asked whether he would be joining his fellow Mitchell students in the rumble in the parking lot, Goodson replied, “Oh yeah, I’ll totally be there. I’m sure there are all sorts of tort issues here, but when it comes right down to it, those [U of M students] just need a good ass whoopin’.”
If you would like to participate in tonight’s rumble, join us in the main parking lot at 9:30 PM. Bring a blunt object. Pizza will be provided. Diversity PLP credit is available.
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