Hans Olo, The Stool
The open space outside of rooms 123 and 125 has flummoxed both staff and faculty alike since the facility’s unveiling. It seems the flotsam and jetsam of the furniture collection Mitchell has accrued through the years has been tried and denied placement in this most pesky of areas.
“I’m not sure what to put there,” said Jan Lawerence, a maintenance staff manager. “We’ve tried pretty much every conceivable combination of furniture we have available in that area, and nothing has worked. We’ll find something though – don’t you worry.”
Some Mitchell students seemed nonplussed by the shifting furniture phenomenon. “I’ve noticed that they have different stuff [in that area] a lot, but I guess I don’t really care about it,” said 4L Tanya Schiffley. “I just sit in the caf area with my friends before class anyway. I leave that sunken leather chair area with the desk-arm-things for the 1Ls.” Others were more opinionated. “Do they have nothing better to do all day than to move furniture around? I mean, it took them like three weeks to paint that wall upstairs red. What the hell do they do anyway?”
Whatever the case, the furniture migrations seem in no danger of stopping anytime soon. New among the furniture acquisitions for this term are the 29-foot Knights of the Round Table-branded circular tables no one likes sitting at, and don’t really fit anywhere. “Don’t get me started on those ridiculous tables,” said 3L Marci McCorman. “Maybe they’ll hand out armor and swords so we can feel more at home when we’re sitting at them.”
Thursday, October 16, 2008
What’s so funny: An Interview with Franz Pincer
Franz Pincer, The Stool
TS: Franz, you’re a funny mo’ fo’.
FP: Thanks, you’re pretty sweet too.
TS: How do you come up with such amazing brilliance all the time?
FP: Well, really I rely on my ability to appreciate life’s little ironies. Take Law School for example. We all hate it, complain about it, talk about burning it down and what not, but at our core each of us knows we are here because we chose to be. We studied, applied, tested in, hoped and pined for it. So in a way, we are all captive members of our own private hells. See? Irony!
TS: What about the students who feel they had no other options?
FP: They are obviously semi-retarded or completely socially retarded. You always have another option. You could have taken too many hits of something and fried your brain, or taken off for parts unknown, or tried B-school, or just told your overbearing dad to eat it. No one should blame their lack of direction and/or ballsack on deficient choices. That’s just retarded.
TS: What do you do when you aren’t writing for TS?
FP: I am a hit man. Now get the fuck away and stop asking me stupid questions. Naw, just kidding. I am a law professor, what did you think?
TS: Franz, you’re a funny mo’ fo’.
FP: Thanks, you’re pretty sweet too.
TS: How do you come up with such amazing brilliance all the time?
FP: Well, really I rely on my ability to appreciate life’s little ironies. Take Law School for example. We all hate it, complain about it, talk about burning it down and what not, but at our core each of us knows we are here because we chose to be. We studied, applied, tested in, hoped and pined for it. So in a way, we are all captive members of our own private hells. See? Irony!
TS: What about the students who feel they had no other options?
FP: They are obviously semi-retarded or completely socially retarded. You always have another option. You could have taken too many hits of something and fried your brain, or taken off for parts unknown, or tried B-school, or just told your overbearing dad to eat it. No one should blame their lack of direction and/or ballsack on deficient choices. That’s just retarded.
TS: What do you do when you aren’t writing for TS?
FP: I am a hit man. Now get the fuck away and stop asking me stupid questions. Naw, just kidding. I am a law professor, what did you think?
Blue Book is Alien
Franz Pincer, The Stool
According to unnamed sources, a triangulation of bizarre, yet related instances revealed The Blue Book’s origins may actually be Outer Space. As 3L Law Review Assistant Editor Arlene Bradford struggled to keep the voices in her head to a dull roar early this week, she was compelled to visit an L. Ron Hubbard website.
“I wanted to find that E-meter thing, you know, to reduce stress.” Explained Bradford adding, “I wound up doing all this research on the background of Dianetics, and the aliens who founded the earth. It turns out The Blue Book was their first published chronicles! It’s a guide!”
But not the guide law students have been tormented with using throughout legal writing classes, no. According to Bradford, The Book is an encrypted manual from aliens that has been horribly misinterpreted. Further investigation revealed that, if read correctly, The Blue Book could provide detailed instructions to something. If followed exactly, it should lead to inner peace, and a state much like a perpetual drug-coma.
Allegedly non-believers can find no such messages in the book and, for those who misuse it, the outlook is quite grim. “It can turn you into a complete mess – a babbling, confused, angry mess,” warned Bradford. The remaining editorial staff was too angry and confused to comment.
According to unnamed sources, a triangulation of bizarre, yet related instances revealed The Blue Book’s origins may actually be Outer Space. As 3L Law Review Assistant Editor Arlene Bradford struggled to keep the voices in her head to a dull roar early this week, she was compelled to visit an L. Ron Hubbard website.
“I wanted to find that E-meter thing, you know, to reduce stress.” Explained Bradford adding, “I wound up doing all this research on the background of Dianetics, and the aliens who founded the earth. It turns out The Blue Book was their first published chronicles! It’s a guide!”
But not the guide law students have been tormented with using throughout legal writing classes, no. According to Bradford, The Book is an encrypted manual from aliens that has been horribly misinterpreted. Further investigation revealed that, if read correctly, The Blue Book could provide detailed instructions to something. If followed exactly, it should lead to inner peace, and a state much like a perpetual drug-coma.
Allegedly non-believers can find no such messages in the book and, for those who misuse it, the outlook is quite grim. “It can turn you into a complete mess – a babbling, confused, angry mess,” warned Bradford. The remaining editorial staff was too angry and confused to comment.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Red square a mystery to all
Hans Olo, The Stool
The sloppily-painted red square on the lower right-hand side of the wall outside room 323 has the student body and the school's maintenance department stumped.
"I was happy to see it there," said 3L Tom Aeillo. "It's very non-conformist. It's a commentary on our obsession with order and symmetry in law, is what it is. Art can't be defined and ruled and briefed and thrown in a book! It has to be experienced and pondered like a sunset on a beach, or taking a satisfying turd while reading one of those 'Bathroom Reader' books."
The Mitchell maintenance staff was less philosophical. "I dunno what it is," maintenance technician Tom Granger told us. "I thought it was something one of you snot-nosed douches did while waiting for your waste-of-time classes to start. I'm not repainting that wall, that's all I know."
Mitchell faculty refused to comment on the square, although Professor Hogg did say, "I LET MY DOG EAT NECKLACES IN THE ACCIDENT. GOBLET?"
The sloppily-painted red square on the lower right-hand side of the wall outside room 323 has the student body and the school's maintenance department stumped.
"I was happy to see it there," said 3L Tom Aeillo. "It's very non-conformist. It's a commentary on our obsession with order and symmetry in law, is what it is. Art can't be defined and ruled and briefed and thrown in a book! It has to be experienced and pondered like a sunset on a beach, or taking a satisfying turd while reading one of those 'Bathroom Reader' books."
The Mitchell maintenance staff was less philosophical. "I dunno what it is," maintenance technician Tom Granger told us. "I thought it was something one of you snot-nosed douches did while waiting for your waste-of-time classes to start. I'm not repainting that wall, that's all I know."
Mitchell faculty refused to comment on the square, although Professor Hogg did say, "I LET MY DOG EAT NECKLACES IN THE ACCIDENT. GOBLET?"
Professor Makes Student Sweaty
Franz Pincer, The Stool
While meeting over her long paper last week, 3L Martina Long reported sweating profusely. Sources allege that the sweating began with just the upper lip in tight little beads, but escalated quickly as Steenson’s red pen made contact with the carefully crafted words of Long’s introduction. Soon, the left armpit went into hyperdrive, soaking the cap sleeve of her A&F tiny-tee.
“I was so nervous he could see, I kept touching my armpit to see if it felt wet,” recounted Long, adding “that only made it worse because he saw me doing it like four times, and then I felt weird and I wiped my hand on my pants, but then they were all hot, and sweat started to drip down the sides of my face a little. It was bad.”
Apparently, the real jungle sweat didn’t appear until her welcomed exit, but it in all likelihood ruined any chance of future productivity in these meetings.
While Steenson isn’t the only professor reported to induce involuntary bodily excretions, he is so far the only one to cause what is now being dubbed: Sweat-hog Syndrome.
While meeting over her long paper last week, 3L Martina Long reported sweating profusely. Sources allege that the sweating began with just the upper lip in tight little beads, but escalated quickly as Steenson’s red pen made contact with the carefully crafted words of Long’s introduction. Soon, the left armpit went into hyperdrive, soaking the cap sleeve of her A&F tiny-tee.
“I was so nervous he could see, I kept touching my armpit to see if it felt wet,” recounted Long, adding “that only made it worse because he saw me doing it like four times, and then I felt weird and I wiped my hand on my pants, but then they were all hot, and sweat started to drip down the sides of my face a little. It was bad.”
Apparently, the real jungle sweat didn’t appear until her welcomed exit, but it in all likelihood ruined any chance of future productivity in these meetings.
While Steenson isn’t the only professor reported to induce involuntary bodily excretions, he is so far the only one to cause what is now being dubbed: Sweat-hog Syndrome.
2L Looks on the Bright Side
Franz Pincer, The Stool
After a two-day Disney movie binge, 2L Amanda Pratt began preaching that things aren’t so bad, after all.
“When I heard [2L] Mindy talking about how badly her Insurance presentation went, I told her to look on the bright side, she could be in Auschwitz,” chirped an over-contented Pratt. “At least the class is online! It could totally have been worse, she could have been in class and then they’d have seen her bad haircut, too.”
Apparently unaware of the perpetual dark cloud over law school, Pratt was seen dispensing useless “bright side” commentaries all over school for a good part of the week.
“The bitch is out of her mind. I was freaking out after my laptop shit itself and ate half of my long paper. She told me to look on the bright side!! The BRIGHT SIDE!?! I threw my basket of fries at her and told her to eat a bag of dicks.” Recounted still furious 3L Andy Gorman.
Wiping mustard off her sweater, Pratt shrugged and said, “look at the bright side, he could have chucked his computer at me.”
Pratt’s foray into the Bright Side reportedly came to a sputtering halt when she was utterly humiliated in Professor Erlinder’s Crim Law class. Flapping her pie hole to blather on about what was not so bad about having class on Saturday mornings, Pratt was cut short by Erlinder as he lunged at her, eyes bulging, and noisily ate her pizza in front of the whole class. On the bright side, she finally shut the fuck up.
After a two-day Disney movie binge, 2L Amanda Pratt began preaching that things aren’t so bad, after all.
“When I heard [2L] Mindy talking about how badly her Insurance presentation went, I told her to look on the bright side, she could be in Auschwitz,” chirped an over-contented Pratt. “At least the class is online! It could totally have been worse, she could have been in class and then they’d have seen her bad haircut, too.”
Apparently unaware of the perpetual dark cloud over law school, Pratt was seen dispensing useless “bright side” commentaries all over school for a good part of the week.
“The bitch is out of her mind. I was freaking out after my laptop shit itself and ate half of my long paper. She told me to look on the bright side!! The BRIGHT SIDE!?! I threw my basket of fries at her and told her to eat a bag of dicks.” Recounted still furious 3L Andy Gorman.
Wiping mustard off her sweater, Pratt shrugged and said, “look at the bright side, he could have chucked his computer at me.”
Pratt’s foray into the Bright Side reportedly came to a sputtering halt when she was utterly humiliated in Professor Erlinder’s Crim Law class. Flapping her pie hole to blather on about what was not so bad about having class on Saturday mornings, Pratt was cut short by Erlinder as he lunged at her, eyes bulging, and noisily ate her pizza in front of the whole class. On the bright side, she finally shut the fuck up.
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