Franz Pincer, The Stool
After a two-day Disney movie binge, 2L Amanda Pratt began preaching that things aren’t so bad, after all.
“When I heard [2L] Mindy talking about how badly her Insurance presentation went, I told her to look on the bright side, she could be in Auschwitz,” chirped an over-contented Pratt. “At least the class is online! It could totally have been worse, she could have been in class and then they’d have seen her bad haircut, too.”
Apparently unaware of the perpetual dark cloud over law school, Pratt was seen dispensing useless “bright side” commentaries all over school for a good part of the week.
“The bitch is out of her mind. I was freaking out after my laptop shit itself and ate half of my long paper. She told me to look on the bright side!! The BRIGHT SIDE!?! I threw my basket of fries at her and told her to eat a bag of dicks.” Recounted still furious 3L Andy Gorman.
Wiping mustard off her sweater, Pratt shrugged and said, “look at the bright side, he could have chucked his computer at me.”
Pratt’s foray into the Bright Side reportedly came to a sputtering halt when she was utterly humiliated in Professor Erlinder’s Crim Law class. Flapping her pie hole to blather on about what was not so bad about having class on Saturday mornings, Pratt was cut short by Erlinder as he lunged at her, eyes bulging, and noisily ate her pizza in front of the whole class. On the bright side, she finally shut the fuck up.
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.