Symplicity perplexes

Franz Pincer, The Stool

Students were stunned this week to come to the collective realization that the Symplicity System is neither simple, nor useful. According to sources, the entirety of the Career Services department may simply be a colossal waste of space. In-depth investigations show that students using the department are in fact less likely to find a job than those who ignored Symplicity all together.

“I tried to upload my resume on that bullshit tool, the formatting came out so fucked – I couldn’t even get an OCI interview.” Reported 2L Caitlin Ashep, a Mac user.

“I rock Symplicity!” said 3L Stu Pidass adding, “I uploaded six writing samples, two resumes and my transcript. After only 76 hours of formatting! I should be able to see the job board soon, too.” At the time of this interview Mr. Pidass had no job, no prospects but was reasonably reassured by department counseling sessions.

Part of the problem lies within the system itself. According to local tech expert John Mount, the “system” is really what is known as a closed-loop asymmetrical antispam processor portal, or the CLAAPP. “It’s like a doorway with a cool paint job and handle, and maybe a doorbell. But nothing behind the door.” Sources within Career services seemed unaware but declined to comment.

In an informal graduate poll, most students had never heard of Symplicity. Of those who had used it approximately 62% were Mac users, and so unable to access resumes or job postings on the system. 86% had no jobs, or were currently pursuing jobs through an independent source. The most popular post-graduation employers were Thomson-Reuters (West) and Friday’s.