Hans Olo, The Stool
Following a spat of summer engagements, 2L Brenda Harris-Barnes reunited with her study group last week and was relieved to see her engagement ring was still the prettiest. “Ohmygod I love my ring,” said Harris-Barnes. “Tom and I went to Jared and spent all day picking it out before he bought it. It makes my finger look tiny when I put it on – it’s just soooo pretty. I mean, [my friends’] rings are nice, but I’d have to say mine is definitely still the best I’ve ever seen.”
Harris-Barnes rarely misses an opportunity to inspect an engagement ring. “Whenever I meet someone who just got engaged, I always ask to see their ring. I’m always nice about telling them how pretty it is, but really I’m happy because it always looks so cheap compared to mine. Plus, now that I have my wedding ring beside it, it’s like twice as pretty. I can always tell they’re impressed when I show them. I’m just so lucky!”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.