Hans Olo, The Stool
Things seemed to be going swimmingly for Mitchell 1L Anna Richmond at Billy’s on Thursday night when, to a lay observer, things began to go terribly wrong.
“She didn’t seem like she was that bad,” said 2L Lane Garger. “She was still in the bar when [a friend] and I went out for a smoke. After we were out there for a couple of minutes she came wobbling and weaving out of the building and fell on her face on the sidewalk.” Unfazed, Richmond hopped in her car and started what she calls her “grand experiment.”
“I don’t know how people think they’re going to learn about the law if they’re just going to read about it in books,” Richmond told The Stool. “You have to get out there and get your hands dirty! I’m good with dramshop stuff, but I knew I had to take my education to the next level. You really get to know something when you experience it first-hand.”
When asked about the danger posed to others and herself while driving in an allegedly altered state, Richmond became incredulous. “I knew exactly what I was doing! The only reason this got to be such a big deal is because the car I CHOSE to hit was being driven by some guy who’s in government or something. But, I got an awesome look at how the legal system works, a pretty safe place to sleep for the night, and a free bologna sandwich.”
Richmond says she plans to put her now-heightened knowledge of dramshop law to good use when she sues Billy’s for “lots and lots of stuff.”
Monday, April 30, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Finals sap creativity from Stool staffers
Hans Olo, The Stool
With finals looming and outline-making in full swing, Stool writers have been hard-pressed to uncover anything at Mitchell they feel is interesting this past week.
“Leave me the FUCK alone!” screamed one writer when asked to comment on the situation. “If I can think of something good to write, I’ll do it okay? In the meantime, I’ve got five different classes wedged into my asshole. Will you please get the hell away from me now?”
The stress level on the Mitchell campus has risen considerably in past days, and some students have displayed markedly shorted fuses – namely the aforementioned staff writer, who is a complete douche bag. Maybe people would actually like him if he stopped acting like a foppish wide-brimmed asshat and started being a contributing member of society. Of course, that’s hard to do when you’re living in your Mom’s basement.
With finals looming and outline-making in full swing, Stool writers have been hard-pressed to uncover anything at Mitchell they feel is interesting this past week.
“Leave me the FUCK alone!” screamed one writer when asked to comment on the situation. “If I can think of something good to write, I’ll do it okay? In the meantime, I’ve got five different classes wedged into my asshole. Will you please get the hell away from me now?”
The stress level on the Mitchell campus has risen considerably in past days, and some students have displayed markedly shorted fuses – namely the aforementioned staff writer, who is a complete douche bag. Maybe people would actually like him if he stopped acting like a foppish wide-brimmed asshat and started being a contributing member of society. Of course, that’s hard to do when you’re living in your Mom’s basement.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Law review student chosen for “hotness”
Hans Olo, The Stool
Furthering the national perception surrounding society’s preferential treatment of good-looking persons, 2L James Reedlinger divulged to his study group last Wednesday that he was given a spot on law review for being “hot.”
“Well, I came in for a meeting with the decision-making people, and the first thing they asked me to do was take off my shirt,” recounted Reedlinger. “I didn’t understand why they were asking me to do that, but I thought it might be some kind of initiation thing, so I went along with it. I guess I was wrong.”
Wrong indeed. An anonymous source in the Mitchell law review told The Stool that Reedlinger’s writing sample and citation test were “horseshit.” “He didn’t even write about any of the topics,” said the source. “His piece consisted of a popsicle stick taped to a piece of notebook paper with the words ‘stick it to the law!’ written under it. People were laughing until the 8.5x11 glossy headshot fell out of the package.”
“We stand behind our decision,” said one male law review staffer. “I’m not gay, but I have to admit when I saw his picture, I got a chubby. You can’t just pass on someone like that.”
Furthering the national perception surrounding society’s preferential treatment of good-looking persons, 2L James Reedlinger divulged to his study group last Wednesday that he was given a spot on law review for being “hot.”
“Well, I came in for a meeting with the decision-making people, and the first thing they asked me to do was take off my shirt,” recounted Reedlinger. “I didn’t understand why they were asking me to do that, but I thought it might be some kind of initiation thing, so I went along with it. I guess I was wrong.”
Wrong indeed. An anonymous source in the Mitchell law review told The Stool that Reedlinger’s writing sample and citation test were “horseshit.” “He didn’t even write about any of the topics,” said the source. “His piece consisted of a popsicle stick taped to a piece of notebook paper with the words ‘stick it to the law!’ written under it. People were laughing until the 8.5x11 glossy headshot fell out of the package.”
“We stand behind our decision,” said one male law review staffer. “I’m not gay, but I have to admit when I saw his picture, I got a chubby. You can’t just pass on someone like that.”
1L irritated with apparent lack of respect
Molly Isringhousen, The Stool
According to 1L Amy Harris, her knowledge of the law is being summarily dismissed by many different “stupid” people. When a family discussion turned into a debate concerning a contract, Harris became irate when no one asked for her opinion on the matter.
“They just all sat around talking with each other like I wasn’t in law school or something!” said a visibly agitated Harris. “I was like HELLO! I’m the one in law school here! You people don’t know anything – you don’t even know about promissory estoppel or any of that other stuff! They just looked at me and kept talking. It’s like they refuse to take me seriously or something. I hate them so much!”
According to Harris, this theme has played itself out in many areas of her life. “I was at Starbucks yesterday getting a Coke when I heard the people behind me talking about buying a new house, so I told them all about defeasible estates. They didn’t even say thank you when I was done. Whatevs.”
According to 1L Amy Harris, her knowledge of the law is being summarily dismissed by many different “stupid” people. When a family discussion turned into a debate concerning a contract, Harris became irate when no one asked for her opinion on the matter.
“They just all sat around talking with each other like I wasn’t in law school or something!” said a visibly agitated Harris. “I was like HELLO! I’m the one in law school here! You people don’t know anything – you don’t even know about promissory estoppel or any of that other stuff! They just looked at me and kept talking. It’s like they refuse to take me seriously or something. I hate them so much!”
According to Harris, this theme has played itself out in many areas of her life. “I was at Starbucks yesterday getting a Coke when I heard the people behind me talking about buying a new house, so I told them all about defeasible estates. They didn’t even say thank you when I was done. Whatevs.”
Mr. Kelly comes to check on how his case is progressing
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
Several current and former WRAP students were utterly shocked when Mr. Kelley, a man previously thought to be a fictional character, came to check on the progress of his nuisance case.
"He just waltzed into my class during the middle of my oral argument," stated 1L Andrew Wiggin. "He looked angry. He asked if anyone has figured out any good ideas to get him out of this nuisance claim."
Several other students expressed similar shock and concern. "We thought he was fake," said 2L Valentine Peterson, "and then he came to school and picked up a bunch of WRAP papers from the Wahl center. We've totally been working for this guy...for free!"
"Well," continued Wiggin, "I guess all I can really say is that I hope the guy wins. He certainly has enough people on his side."
Several current and former WRAP students were utterly shocked when Mr. Kelley, a man previously thought to be a fictional character, came to check on the progress of his nuisance case.
"He just waltzed into my class during the middle of my oral argument," stated 1L Andrew Wiggin. "He looked angry. He asked if anyone has figured out any good ideas to get him out of this nuisance claim."
Several other students expressed similar shock and concern. "We thought he was fake," said 2L Valentine Peterson, "and then he came to school and picked up a bunch of WRAP papers from the Wahl center. We've totally been working for this guy...for free!"
"Well," continued Wiggin, "I guess all I can really say is that I hope the guy wins. He certainly has enough people on his side."
Friday, April 13, 2007
No surprise here: registration sucks again
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
As one anonymous Mitchell attendee put it, “registration for classes has once again bent the student body over and fucked us vigorously in the ass.” The specters of inept scheduling and poorly implemented technology raised their ugly, but familiar, heads while conspiring to turn the experience into a nightmare for most Mitchell students. When questioned by Stool staff about their registration experience, a resounding majority of learners expressed their extreme distaste for the experience.
“It sucks balls,” said 2L Tony Overkilt, while waiting for his registration time to arrive. “I’m just watching all of the friendly ‘add’ buttons change into evil, evil ‘waitlist’ buttons, and it makes me want to punch something.”
“AAUGH!” screamed part-time 3L Carrie Unger, “Every class I need meets at the same time on Mondays! What the hell is the matter with the scheduling people?!”
Some students did not express their rage as vocally, but chose instead to mutter in the darker corners of Hachey Commons. One student was seen breaking pencil after pencil while softly whispering, “Advocacy…Advocacy…” He declined further comment.
As one anonymous Mitchell attendee put it, “registration for classes has once again bent the student body over and fucked us vigorously in the ass.” The specters of inept scheduling and poorly implemented technology raised their ugly, but familiar, heads while conspiring to turn the experience into a nightmare for most Mitchell students. When questioned by Stool staff about their registration experience, a resounding majority of learners expressed their extreme distaste for the experience.
“It sucks balls,” said 2L Tony Overkilt, while waiting for his registration time to arrive. “I’m just watching all of the friendly ‘add’ buttons change into evil, evil ‘waitlist’ buttons, and it makes me want to punch something.”
“AAUGH!” screamed part-time 3L Carrie Unger, “Every class I need meets at the same time on Mondays! What the hell is the matter with the scheduling people?!”
Some students did not express their rage as vocally, but chose instead to mutter in the darker corners of Hachey Commons. One student was seen breaking pencil after pencil while softly whispering, “Advocacy…Advocacy…” He declined further comment.
2007 Placement predictions announced
Robert Marley, The Stool
William Mitchell is very proud of the fact that so many of its students find employment after graduation. This year, William Mitchell staff has provided The Stool with their list of careers Mitchell graduates will most likely be choosing for their employment. The list reads as follows:
Law Clerk: 4%
Gas Station Attendant: 16%
Cubicle Worker: 20%
McDonalds Manager: 7%
Homeless*: 3%
Bartender (in an actual Bar): 9%
Volunteer Firefighter: 2%
Librarian: 3%
Used Car Salesman: 13%
Hairdresser: 11%
Medical Research/Plasma Donations: 20%
Attorney: .0000001%
William Mitchell is extremely proud of its predicted 98% placement rate, and wishes its graduating students the best of luck.
*Also known as "Public Interest Law."
William Mitchell is very proud of the fact that so many of its students find employment after graduation. This year, William Mitchell staff has provided The Stool with their list of careers Mitchell graduates will most likely be choosing for their employment. The list reads as follows:
Law Clerk: 4%
Gas Station Attendant: 16%
Cubicle Worker: 20%
McDonalds Manager: 7%
Homeless*: 3%
Bartender (in an actual Bar): 9%
Volunteer Firefighter: 2%
Librarian: 3%
Used Car Salesman: 13%
Hairdresser: 11%
Medical Research/Plasma Donations: 20%
Attorney: .0000001%
William Mitchell is extremely proud of its predicted 98% placement rate, and wishes its graduating students the best of luck.
*Also known as "Public Interest Law."
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Controversy swirls at Mitchell talent show
Hans Olo, The Stool
Scandal reigned supreme at the Talent Show Thursday as eager contestants were turned away without the opportunity to showcase their special skills.
“I performed really well at the cock-measuring event a few weeks ago, and thought this would be a perfect forum to show people what I’m made of,” said 3L Tim Jiminanski. “Apparently the judges didn’t think a 14-inch cock was a talent, per se -- but I beg to differ.” Jiminanski had a number of “events” in mind to display the versatility and beauty of his member. Operating under the stage name, “Thick’n’Veiny,” the 3L had everything from shlong thigh-slapping to on-stage penis-puppetry planned, but to no avail. “When are people going to realize the human body is an amazing piece of art?” asked Jiminanski. “Now, because of some close-minded judges, Think’n’Veiny will have to ply his wares on the Internet.”
Other talents that were proposed, but later denied, included a vodka-drinking exhibition described as “a chair, a glass, a 750mL bottle of Philips vodka and 10 uninterrupted minutes,” and burning an effigy of C. Everett Koop while eating raw hotdogs and defecating on the stage.
Scandal reigned supreme at the Talent Show Thursday as eager contestants were turned away without the opportunity to showcase their special skills.
“I performed really well at the cock-measuring event a few weeks ago, and thought this would be a perfect forum to show people what I’m made of,” said 3L Tim Jiminanski. “Apparently the judges didn’t think a 14-inch cock was a talent, per se -- but I beg to differ.” Jiminanski had a number of “events” in mind to display the versatility and beauty of his member. Operating under the stage name, “Thick’n’Veiny,” the 3L had everything from shlong thigh-slapping to on-stage penis-puppetry planned, but to no avail. “When are people going to realize the human body is an amazing piece of art?” asked Jiminanski. “Now, because of some close-minded judges, Think’n’Veiny will have to ply his wares on the Internet.”
Other talents that were proposed, but later denied, included a vodka-drinking exhibition described as “a chair, a glass, a 750mL bottle of Philips vodka and 10 uninterrupted minutes,” and burning an effigy of C. Everett Koop while eating raw hotdogs and defecating on the stage.
1L content to park on the street
Gregg Wurzler, The Stool
As the academic year winds to a close, 1L Adrienne James has begun to convince herself that she doesn’t want to park in the Summit lot when school reconvenes next year. “It’s good exercise to walk to and from your car,” said James. “It gets your blood flowing, and it gives you some time to decompress a little after a hard day at school.”
Classmates of James disagree. “yeah, I heard her saying that same thing during the winter,” 1L Mike Dorian told us. “She’s a moron – it sucks ass to have to walk up and down that damn street every day. It’s usually cold, windy, and God forbid you park too close to a driveway or a corner! Holy Jesus the cops come out of the woodwork when that happens, but they can’t seem to cut down on the muggings. Whatever.”
As the academic year winds to a close, 1L Adrienne James has begun to convince herself that she doesn’t want to park in the Summit lot when school reconvenes next year. “It’s good exercise to walk to and from your car,” said James. “It gets your blood flowing, and it gives you some time to decompress a little after a hard day at school.”
Classmates of James disagree. “yeah, I heard her saying that same thing during the winter,” 1L Mike Dorian told us. “She’s a moron – it sucks ass to have to walk up and down that damn street every day. It’s usually cold, windy, and God forbid you park too close to a driveway or a corner! Holy Jesus the cops come out of the woodwork when that happens, but they can’t seem to cut down on the muggings. Whatever.”
Thursday, April 5, 2007
IM conversation mistaken for note-taking
Maria O’Connell, The Stool
3L Ray Aurelia became paranoid that he was missing something important as the student in front of him furiously clacked away at her keyboard during a recent tax law class.
“I was listening to the lecture and kind of soaking it in when I noticed that Charlotte was taking a lot of notes,” Aurelia told us. “So I thought I had better get on the ball or I would miss something important. After about five minutes she leaned over to get something out of her bag and I saw she was just IMing someone about how she hates her brother’s new girlfriend. I felt way better after I saw that.”
Studies show that between 30 and 45 percent of the typing during any one class period can be attributed to IM usage. That number spikes by as much as 50 points after someone does or says something stupid during the class itself.
“That’s good to know,” said 1L Matt Lewis. “I always feel guilty when I hear people typing and I’m not. Now I’ll just relax and continue enjoying my game of hearts.”
3L Ray Aurelia became paranoid that he was missing something important as the student in front of him furiously clacked away at her keyboard during a recent tax law class.
“I was listening to the lecture and kind of soaking it in when I noticed that Charlotte was taking a lot of notes,” Aurelia told us. “So I thought I had better get on the ball or I would miss something important. After about five minutes she leaned over to get something out of her bag and I saw she was just IMing someone about how she hates her brother’s new girlfriend. I felt way better after I saw that.”
Studies show that between 30 and 45 percent of the typing during any one class period can be attributed to IM usage. That number spikes by as much as 50 points after someone does or says something stupid during the class itself.
“That’s good to know,” said 1L Matt Lewis. “I always feel guilty when I hear people typing and I’m not. Now I’ll just relax and continue enjoying my game of hearts.”
Morbidly obese student would rather pay loans than 'Run for Justice'
Like the majority of law students, 3L Jerry Snedson has accumulated an enormous amount of debt. He, like so many others, is unsure about how he is going to pay off all of his student loans when he graduates. Unfortunately for Jerry, his debt isn't all that's enormous.
Jerry Snedson weighs in at nearly 460 pounds. His eating and exercise habits would shock the average person. Needless to say, Jerry will not be running the five kilometer "Run for Justice.”
"Yeah, I think I'd rather just pay my loans," said Jerry after glancing at the hallway display, which touts the 5K run as a means of paying off student debt. "It's pretty unfair, though," he continued, "because that's just not something I can do. If it were like, 'Pay off your debt by reading Batman comics' or something, I'd be all over it."
Jerry Snedson weighs in at nearly 460 pounds. His eating and exercise habits would shock the average person. Needless to say, Jerry will not be running the five kilometer "Run for Justice.”
"Yeah, I think I'd rather just pay my loans," said Jerry after glancing at the hallway display, which touts the 5K run as a means of paying off student debt. "It's pretty unfair, though," he continued, "because that's just not something I can do. If it were like, 'Pay off your debt by reading Batman comics' or something, I'd be all over it."
Cafeteria manager guy sports new look “for the ladies”
Hans Olo, The Stool
A newly tanned and facial-haired cafeteria manager recently unleashed his look on the unsuspecting females of the Mitchell community with understated, but hopeful, decorum.
The switch, The Stool was told, reflects a sea change in the life outlook of the manager. “I watched Dazed and Confused a couple of weeks ago, and realized that [Matthew McConaughey’s] character [Wooderson] was pretty much all-around awesome. The [subsequent changes in my life] just seemed to happen naturally after that.”
After enduring uncomfortable moments while booking tanning sessions at Sun Kissed, a local tanning and nail salon, manager guy fell into a routine of tanning and beard growth for two weeks. “You can’t just wake up one day and decide you’re going to look like this after you put on your clothes. You have to plan and be disciplined in your approach,” he told The Stool.
Manager guy sees a rosy future on the horizon. “I’ve got a line on a 1970 426 Hemi ‘Cuda that I’m going to buy and fix up, and I’m going to start wearing tighter tee shirts and pants.” When asked what he hopes the reaction will be in at the College, he responded, “whatever happens, I love those law school girls – I get older, they stay the same age.”
A newly tanned and facial-haired cafeteria manager recently unleashed his look on the unsuspecting females of the Mitchell community with understated, but hopeful, decorum.
The switch, The Stool was told, reflects a sea change in the life outlook of the manager. “I watched Dazed and Confused a couple of weeks ago, and realized that [Matthew McConaughey’s] character [Wooderson] was pretty much all-around awesome. The [subsequent changes in my life] just seemed to happen naturally after that.”
After enduring uncomfortable moments while booking tanning sessions at Sun Kissed, a local tanning and nail salon, manager guy fell into a routine of tanning and beard growth for two weeks. “You can’t just wake up one day and decide you’re going to look like this after you put on your clothes. You have to plan and be disciplined in your approach,” he told The Stool.
Manager guy sees a rosy future on the horizon. “I’ve got a line on a 1970 426 Hemi ‘Cuda that I’m going to buy and fix up, and I’m going to start wearing tighter tee shirts and pants.” When asked what he hopes the reaction will be in at the College, he responded, “whatever happens, I love those law school girls – I get older, they stay the same age.”
William Mitchell looking to add new category to diversity standards
Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool
After hours spent studying the latest diversity survey results, officials at William Mitchell discovered, to their horror, that the school is "dangerously close" to achieving perfect diversity.
"The categories are represented very equally," stated Ned Ossenbaum, William Mitchell's Diversity Consultant, "At least as equally as would be realistic in America today. As you might imagine, this presents a load of problems. If we were to achieve the perfect balance to the 'Mitchell Mix', we would effectively eliminate our diversity goal. Think of all of the jobs that would be lost! Every diversity scholar, every survey creator, heck, even my own job – flushed right down the drain!"
The school came up with a surprisingly simple solution: Add additional categories. Candidates for these new categories have been winnowed down to two.
"The first potential category is 'Meth Addict'," says Ossenbaum, "and the second is 'Bona Fide Terrorist'. We feel that both of these categories are dangerously underrepresented here at Mitchell. We'll add one to the list this year, and save the other until such a time as it might be needed."
A third category, "Horsefucker,” was eliminated because the Diversity Coalition could not come up with an appropriately PC title.
After hours spent studying the latest diversity survey results, officials at William Mitchell discovered, to their horror, that the school is "dangerously close" to achieving perfect diversity.
"The categories are represented very equally," stated Ned Ossenbaum, William Mitchell's Diversity Consultant, "At least as equally as would be realistic in America today. As you might imagine, this presents a load of problems. If we were to achieve the perfect balance to the 'Mitchell Mix', we would effectively eliminate our diversity goal. Think of all of the jobs that would be lost! Every diversity scholar, every survey creator, heck, even my own job – flushed right down the drain!"
The school came up with a surprisingly simple solution: Add additional categories. Candidates for these new categories have been winnowed down to two.
"The first potential category is 'Meth Addict'," says Ossenbaum, "and the second is 'Bona Fide Terrorist'. We feel that both of these categories are dangerously underrepresented here at Mitchell. We'll add one to the list this year, and save the other until such a time as it might be needed."
A third category, "Horsefucker,” was eliminated because the Diversity Coalition could not come up with an appropriately PC title.
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