Robert Marley, The Stool
William Mitchell is very proud of the fact that so many of its students find employment after graduation. This year, William Mitchell staff has provided The Stool with their list of careers Mitchell graduates will most likely be choosing for their employment. The list reads as follows:
Law Clerk: 4%
Gas Station Attendant: 16%
Cubicle Worker: 20%
McDonalds Manager: 7%
Homeless*: 3%
Bartender (in an actual Bar): 9%
Volunteer Firefighter: 2%
Librarian: 3%
Used Car Salesman: 13%
Hairdresser: 11%
Medical Research/Plasma Donations: 20%
Attorney: .0000001%
William Mitchell is extremely proud of its predicted 98% placement rate, and wishes its graduating students the best of luck.
*Also known as "Public Interest Law."
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
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Disclaimer
The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.