Controversy swirls at Mitchell talent show

Hans Olo, The Stool

Scandal reigned supreme at the Talent Show Thursday as eager contestants were turned away without the opportunity to showcase their special skills.

“I performed really well at the cock-measuring event a few weeks ago, and thought this would be a perfect forum to show people what I’m made of,” said 3L Tim Jiminanski. “Apparently the judges didn’t think a 14-inch cock was a talent, per se -- but I beg to differ.” Jiminanski had a number of “events” in mind to display the versatility and beauty of his member. Operating under the stage name, “Thick’n’Veiny,” the 3L had everything from shlong thigh-slapping to on-stage penis-puppetry planned, but to no avail. “When are people going to realize the human body is an amazing piece of art?” asked Jiminanski. “Now, because of some close-minded judges, Think’n’Veiny will have to ply his wares on the Internet.”

Other talents that were proposed, but later denied, included a vodka-drinking exhibition described as “a chair, a glass, a 750mL bottle of Philips vodka and 10 uninterrupted minutes,” and burning an effigy of C. Everett Koop while eating raw hotdogs and defecating on the stage.