An Announcement From The Stool
In order to promote a school environment that is free of gender discrimination, The Stool is proud to announce the first annual MLSA Cock Measuring session. The gathering will take place at the same time as the WLSA Women in Law Tea, Wednesday March 21 at 5:00 to 7:30 PM, in the Men’s Room across from the auditorium.
Male William Mitchell students are encouraged to register in advance for this important social event. Members of prominent Minneapolis/St. Paul law firms will be present. The gathering will consist of networking and, of course, cock measuring.
“I think I’ve got a pretty big cock, so I’ll probably stop by” 4L Jake Thomm told the Stool during an information session in Hachey Commons. “It’s not like I have a holster or anything, but I usually get the appreciative nod when someone pulls up next to me at a urinal and looks over.”
Other students aren’t so sure. “Well, I guess I would call it average” said 2L Greg Fellows. “I would hate to get there and be the smallest. I think I’ll probably give myself a little tune-up before it starts.”
Attendees will be put in a drawing to win one of two rulers and a c-ring.
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.