On Wednesday, the Office of Career and Professional Development installed the hugely popular interactive video game “Guitar Hero,” as well as a 50” plasma television. Students, faculty, and staff immediately took interest in the game, distracting everyone from William Mitchell’s new position as “Worst Law School in the Nation” according to U.S. News and World Report.
Dean Janus was heard commenting, “We, as well as many other law schools in the fourth tier, disagree with the way the Report ranks schools. Have no fear, we’re taking this very seriously. Scholarships will be given out to even more minorities... wait... what is that?”
William Mitchell’s President proceeded to push Brangelia Hugenplow out of the way of the big screen TV, grabbed her guitar, and shouted, “DOWDAL! THIS THING IS BITCHIN’!”
When The Stool asked Assistant Director of Career Development Shannon Wellmonth about the video game’s presence in the office, she had nothing but nice things to say, “You see, this office has been attempting to homogenize the student body’s resumes for the last decade. We’ve been hugely successful. Everyone uses the same font, size, experiences, and page design, but that “Interests” area has always been problematic. We figure with “Guitar Hero” in the office, we’ll get everyone hooked and then those “Interests” will eventually all be one and the same.”
After peering through Career Development’s window, Dean Dees was heard muttering to herself, “I’ll show those assholes...” The Dean then walked into the Multicultural Office and yelled, “SHARON! ORDER US A PROJECTION SCREEN AND GET “DANCE, DANCE REVOLUTION!” LET’S SHOW THOSE CRACKAS WHAT OUR KIDS CAN DO!”
Friday, April 11, 2008
1L happy to get the crap that’s left over
Hans Olo, The Stool
After a whirlwind of activity during his first registration process, Ty Widmer was happy to be taking anything.
“I was watching classes fill up for like three hours before it was finally my time,” said Widmer. “Then after refreshing the page about 29,000 times I registered for some stuff.“ When pressed, Widmer was unable to recall what he registered for or when the classes will meet next fall.
“What the hell is the matter with that fucking online system anyway?” asked Widmer. “Have they not thought of putting a clock on the registration page so you don’t have to try to register for something fifty times in a row hoping your time will finally roll around? And what the fuck clock are they using over there anyway? I swear it’s like four minutes slow for everyone. I had a less stressful time when the 35W bridge collapsed under me last summer than I had just now.”
After a whirlwind of activity during his first registration process, Ty Widmer was happy to be taking anything.
“I was watching classes fill up for like three hours before it was finally my time,” said Widmer. “Then after refreshing the page about 29,000 times I registered for some stuff.“ When pressed, Widmer was unable to recall what he registered for or when the classes will meet next fall.
“What the hell is the matter with that fucking online system anyway?” asked Widmer. “Have they not thought of putting a clock on the registration page so you don’t have to try to register for something fifty times in a row hoping your time will finally roll around? And what the fuck clock are they using over there anyway? I swear it’s like four minutes slow for everyone. I had a less stressful time when the 35W bridge collapsed under me last summer than I had just now.”
Diversity Week ’08 – Resounding Success for Horsefuckers
Abigail Wilson, The Stool
William Mitchell’s Diversity Week ’08 acted as the death knell for diversity… unless you were a Horsefucker. With a meager showing by almost all of the WMCL “diversity organizations,” the Horsefucker Law Student Society’s programming put other groups’ activities to shame.
One Multicultural Office hanger-on was spotted in a stairwell at Noon on Wednesday putting up signs for the Annual Soul Food Festival. Said festival had begun one hour previously at 11AM and was scheduled to end at 1PM. “We definitely dropped the ball on this one, but, man, those Horsefuckers sure got their shit together! On Monday, their dick-slapping contest really depleted the interest in the Asian Law Student Association’s international wears that were set up in that hallway where no one goes. You know? That one where they’ve got the pictures of those old fuckers hanging up? Yeah! That one.”
Diversity Week’s one successful event, the Cesar Chavez dinner, also felt the looming presence of the HLSS. One member of the Latino Law Student Association, who chose to remain anonymous for fear of Horsefucker retaliation, commented, “They just stood at the back of the auditorium. They looked pretty disgruntled that even one organization had been able to pull off a proper event.”
Horsefucker Vice-President, Billy Clinksworth told The Stool, “They got one past us. But no worries. Next year, the Horsefuckers, being the underrepresented population du jour, will really be able to take over Diversity Week 110%!”
William Mitchell’s Diversity Week ’08 acted as the death knell for diversity… unless you were a Horsefucker. With a meager showing by almost all of the WMCL “diversity organizations,” the Horsefucker Law Student Society’s programming put other groups’ activities to shame.
One Multicultural Office hanger-on was spotted in a stairwell at Noon on Wednesday putting up signs for the Annual Soul Food Festival. Said festival had begun one hour previously at 11AM and was scheduled to end at 1PM. “We definitely dropped the ball on this one, but, man, those Horsefuckers sure got their shit together! On Monday, their dick-slapping contest really depleted the interest in the Asian Law Student Association’s international wears that were set up in that hallway where no one goes. You know? That one where they’ve got the pictures of those old fuckers hanging up? Yeah! That one.”
Diversity Week’s one successful event, the Cesar Chavez dinner, also felt the looming presence of the HLSS. One member of the Latino Law Student Association, who chose to remain anonymous for fear of Horsefucker retaliation, commented, “They just stood at the back of the auditorium. They looked pretty disgruntled that even one organization had been able to pull off a proper event.”
Horsefucker Vice-President, Billy Clinksworth told The Stool, “They got one past us. But no worries. Next year, the Horsefuckers, being the underrepresented population du jour, will really be able to take over Diversity Week 110%!”
Irony of Student Scalping in Indian Law Not Lost on Professor
Michael Samuelson, The Stool
A frantic call to 9-1-1 on Wednesday night drew the St. Paul Police to WMCL Rm. 231. Nothing could have prepared even the most veteran officers for what St. Paul’s finest saw upon entering the classroom. As the men and women of Squad 609 kicked down the door, pistols drawn, they found Prof. James Johanson standing over the limp body of Hubert Dinkleson. Twitching and huddled in the right corner of the classroom, Pruicious Laebenlox tightly gripped a bloody blade in her right hand, and a scalp full of Dinkleson’s golden locks in her left.
“Oh! You’re here!” exclaimed Prof. Johanson as Rm. 231’s door came crashing to the ground. “I really wish you could have seen it! Ms. Laebenlox’s ferocity was truly incredible! I haven’t seen a scalping like that in some time. The anger of a million burning suns filled her eyes and before you could say ‘the Termination Act of 1954’ it was over!”
Other students in the class took a moment to wipe the gray matter off their faces before responding to questions.
“Dinkleson had it coming. He kept interrupting Prof. Johanson with bullshit questions. ‘PROFESSOR! What if a non-Indian was drunk driving on a road inside Indian Country? PROFESSOR! What if a member of the Sioux Nation went onto the Red Lake Indian Reservation and declared himself a member of that tribe? PROFESSOR! What if I took a minute and pulled my head out of my yin yang and did this class a solid and shut my mouth?’ Well, clearly the answer to that last question would have been ‘I wouldn’t be lying dead on the floor with half my head missing.’”
Wheeling the body out of the room, Officer Patrick O’Rourke turned around and addressed the remaining students, “Let this be a reminder to the rest of you. When your professor says he wants to let the class out early, you shut your whore mouths and let the man get the class out early.”
A frantic call to 9-1-1 on Wednesday night drew the St. Paul Police to WMCL Rm. 231. Nothing could have prepared even the most veteran officers for what St. Paul’s finest saw upon entering the classroom. As the men and women of Squad 609 kicked down the door, pistols drawn, they found Prof. James Johanson standing over the limp body of Hubert Dinkleson. Twitching and huddled in the right corner of the classroom, Pruicious Laebenlox tightly gripped a bloody blade in her right hand, and a scalp full of Dinkleson’s golden locks in her left.
“Oh! You’re here!” exclaimed Prof. Johanson as Rm. 231’s door came crashing to the ground. “I really wish you could have seen it! Ms. Laebenlox’s ferocity was truly incredible! I haven’t seen a scalping like that in some time. The anger of a million burning suns filled her eyes and before you could say ‘the Termination Act of 1954’ it was over!”
Other students in the class took a moment to wipe the gray matter off their faces before responding to questions.
“Dinkleson had it coming. He kept interrupting Prof. Johanson with bullshit questions. ‘PROFESSOR! What if a non-Indian was drunk driving on a road inside Indian Country? PROFESSOR! What if a member of the Sioux Nation went onto the Red Lake Indian Reservation and declared himself a member of that tribe? PROFESSOR! What if I took a minute and pulled my head out of my yin yang and did this class a solid and shut my mouth?’ Well, clearly the answer to that last question would have been ‘I wouldn’t be lying dead on the floor with half my head missing.’”
Wheeling the body out of the room, Officer Patrick O’Rourke turned around and addressed the remaining students, “Let this be a reminder to the rest of you. When your professor says he wants to let the class out early, you shut your whore mouths and let the man get the class out early.”
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