Irony of Student Scalping in Indian Law Not Lost on Professor

Michael Samuelson, The Stool

A frantic call to 9-1-1 on Wednesday night drew the St. Paul Police to WMCL Rm. 231. Nothing could have prepared even the most veteran officers for what St. Paul’s finest saw upon entering the classroom. As the men and women of Squad 609 kicked down the door, pistols drawn, they found Prof. James Johanson standing over the limp body of Hubert Dinkleson. Twitching and huddled in the right corner of the classroom, Pruicious Laebenlox tightly gripped a bloody blade in her right hand, and a scalp full of Dinkleson’s golden locks in her left.

“Oh! You’re here!” exclaimed Prof. Johanson as Rm. 231’s door came crashing to the ground. “I really wish you could have seen it! Ms. Laebenlox’s ferocity was truly incredible! I haven’t seen a scalping like that in some time. The anger of a million burning suns filled her eyes and before you could say ‘the Termination Act of 1954’ it was over!”

Other students in the class took a moment to wipe the gray matter off their faces before responding to questions.

“Dinkleson had it coming. He kept interrupting Prof. Johanson with bullshit questions. ‘PROFESSOR! What if a non-Indian was drunk driving on a road inside Indian Country? PROFESSOR! What if a member of the Sioux Nation went onto the Red Lake Indian Reservation and declared himself a member of that tribe? PROFESSOR! What if I took a minute and pulled my head out of my yin yang and did this class a solid and shut my mouth?’ Well, clearly the answer to that last question would have been ‘I wouldn’t be lying dead on the floor with half my head missing.’”

Wheeling the body out of the room, Officer Patrick O’Rourke turned around and addressed the remaining students, “Let this be a reminder to the rest of you. When your professor says he wants to let the class out early, you shut your whore mouths and let the man get the class out early.”