Hans Olo, The Stool
After a whirlwind of activity during his first registration process, Ty Widmer was happy to be taking anything.
“I was watching classes fill up for like three hours before it was finally my time,” said Widmer. “Then after refreshing the page about 29,000 times I registered for some stuff.“ When pressed, Widmer was unable to recall what he registered for or when the classes will meet next fall.
“What the hell is the matter with that fucking online system anyway?” asked Widmer. “Have they not thought of putting a clock on the registration page so you don’t have to try to register for something fifty times in a row hoping your time will finally roll around? And what the fuck clock are they using over there anyway? I swear it’s like four minutes slow for everyone. I had a less stressful time when the 35W bridge collapsed under me last summer than I had just now.”
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
Disclaimer
The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.