Franz Pincer, The Stool
A gaggle of students was recently observed huddled around Professor Radsan after a particularly vigorous Criminal Procedure lecture. The group was lingering to discuss that last really funny comment Radsan made about Scalia’s dissent in Wong Sun, but classmates believe it to be pure ass-kissing that left them loitering.
“What a bunch of Gunners!” laughed 3L Ally Ashby, “Like everyone doesn’t know they are all hanging around to suck up to him for participation points. Why don’t they just suck his dick!”
Noting that the group was made up of over-eager class participants, 2L Jay LaFrugh was overheard muttering insults as he became visibly whipped up during last Thursday’s class. “Seriously, you aren’t the only ones who read the fucking cases, God! Do you think you’re cool ‘cause you read the whole dissent? What the eff you grade-mongering douchebags!! If you fuck the curve I will fucking waste you!!”
One curve-fucking douchebag was questioned about [her] Professorial adoration and gushed, “He is just so incredibly brilliant! Do you know he reads French novels during the breaks? He has like a totally encyclopedic knowledge of judicial opinions - in chronological order!” Added another "Team Rad" member, “He is ex-CIA, do you have any idea what that means? He could make you go mentally retarded just by staring at you.”
No one has yet been reported as going retarded from the gaze of Radsan, but at the time of this writing no student was known to have actually sustained eye contact with the professor.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Class sniffer subject of simultaneous IM conversations
Hans Olo, The Stool
When a student suffering from a runny nose in 2L Dana Hall’s family law class sniffed through the entire lecture, the nearby students vented their frustrations via instant messages.
“He would NOT stop sniffing,” Hall told us. “It was every like five seconds and *SNIFF*. I thought I was going to go fucking insane. My friend Andrea and I were IMing about different ways we could get him to stop – most involved punching him in the balls or slashing his eyeball with a piece of paper. I don’t have the slighted idea what the lecture was about.”
Little did Hall know, other students were also IMing about the offending sniffer. “Oh yeah,” said 2L Mark Miwnew. “I heard that fucker. It was hard not to. I IMed my buddy that maybe we should give him a Kleenex or a paper towel or something, then that degenerated into what his nickname should be. By the end of class we were pretty pissed off, so now we call him ‘Skullfucker.’ Skullfucker might be a nice guy. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Fuck him.”
When a student suffering from a runny nose in 2L Dana Hall’s family law class sniffed through the entire lecture, the nearby students vented their frustrations via instant messages.
“He would NOT stop sniffing,” Hall told us. “It was every like five seconds and *SNIFF*. I thought I was going to go fucking insane. My friend Andrea and I were IMing about different ways we could get him to stop – most involved punching him in the balls or slashing his eyeball with a piece of paper. I don’t have the slighted idea what the lecture was about.”
Little did Hall know, other students were also IMing about the offending sniffer. “Oh yeah,” said 2L Mark Miwnew. “I heard that fucker. It was hard not to. I IMed my buddy that maybe we should give him a Kleenex or a paper towel or something, then that degenerated into what his nickname should be. By the end of class we were pretty pissed off, so now we call him ‘Skullfucker.’ Skullfucker might be a nice guy. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Fuck him.”
3L Off the Chili
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Billy Numack is officially off the cafeteria chili. “That pot of stank really did a number on my GI. Five semesters of consuming that molten gutrot and I practically need a colostomy bag! It literally ripped me a new asshole!” Numack complained Thursday.
Forced to endure a strict regimen of Diet Coke and Saltine crackers, Numack is one of many victims of cafeteria poisoning known locally as “Crapeteritis”. Not to be confused with actual poisoning, Crapeteritis is a rare digestive disorder resulting from repeated ingestion of highly delicious but only semi-digestible, high-calorie, low-nutrient foods that make one feel like ass.
1L Mandy Ginkell was helpful in diagnosing her fellow student’s acute Itis. “I knew right away that [2L Bars Lafely] been swilling that cafeteria slop when I saw him lurking near the bathroom. He kept clutching his stomach, and his upper lip was sweating pretty profusely. I was a nutrition major at Gustavus.” According to Ginkell, other signs that students are suffering from the Itis include: excessive and unclaimed gas usually emitted during lecture or crop-dusted in hallways; retching; that wafting stench in the hallway between the one private men’s room and the cafeteria; constipation; diarrhea and dry mouth.
Cafeteria officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the school suggested alternating the chili with other tasty food substitutes such as chicken fingers, tasteless pizza and Pop Tarts.
Billy Numack is officially off the cafeteria chili. “That pot of stank really did a number on my GI. Five semesters of consuming that molten gutrot and I practically need a colostomy bag! It literally ripped me a new asshole!” Numack complained Thursday.
Forced to endure a strict regimen of Diet Coke and Saltine crackers, Numack is one of many victims of cafeteria poisoning known locally as “Crapeteritis”. Not to be confused with actual poisoning, Crapeteritis is a rare digestive disorder resulting from repeated ingestion of highly delicious but only semi-digestible, high-calorie, low-nutrient foods that make one feel like ass.
1L Mandy Ginkell was helpful in diagnosing her fellow student’s acute Itis. “I knew right away that [2L Bars Lafely] been swilling that cafeteria slop when I saw him lurking near the bathroom. He kept clutching his stomach, and his upper lip was sweating pretty profusely. I was a nutrition major at Gustavus.” According to Ginkell, other signs that students are suffering from the Itis include: excessive and unclaimed gas usually emitted during lecture or crop-dusted in hallways; retching; that wafting stench in the hallway between the one private men’s room and the cafeteria; constipation; diarrhea and dry mouth.
Cafeteria officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative for the school suggested alternating the chili with other tasty food substitutes such as chicken fingers, tasteless pizza and Pop Tarts.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Funky Smell Detected
Franz Pincer, The Stool
Curious grimaces and wrinkled noses peppered the faces of unwitting students and faculty last week when re-entering Mitchell after the break. While sources labor to uncover the source of the peculiar new aroma, the great thinkers and sniffers of the Mitchell Mix were hard at work devising theories as to the origin and/or reactive agents that could be to blame.
“I think they recarpeted,” pondered 1L Jane Witson adding, “possibly to cover up the stink of diarrhea from post-exam shit attacks.” Several sniffers from the part-time 3L constituency believe something far more sinister is afoot. “It smells like someone gutted a bear, and an old diaper, and got like, a chemical burn,” mused Scott Maxweed.
“No, it smells like someone puked in a shoe. A big ass clown shoe from that shitbeast Chris Dessing!” Said PT3L Amy Liedner.
Other stories of origin spanned from scientific classification to pure comic conjecture. 2L and IP student Mary Dupree suggested “Maybe it’s a combination of the NaCl from the ice-melt with the perfluoro-octane sulfonate in the stain-resistant treatment of the carpeting,” furthering suspicion that blame lays squarely with the new carpeting.
This theory was supported due to its sturdy chemical foundation until 4L Chuck Berring pointed out that there isn’t actually any new carpeting in the school, just a funky odor that reminded him of his golden retriever that time he gave it beer and Doritos.
While several hypotheses have been discussed, the most popular scent definitions seem to shift between “Bigfoot’s dick” and “your mom’s ass.”
When questioned by Stool staffers, the only faculty available for comment was Professor Doug Heidenreich who smiled cheerfully and said, “Ahh, the smell of fear. It’s good to be home.”
Curious grimaces and wrinkled noses peppered the faces of unwitting students and faculty last week when re-entering Mitchell after the break. While sources labor to uncover the source of the peculiar new aroma, the great thinkers and sniffers of the Mitchell Mix were hard at work devising theories as to the origin and/or reactive agents that could be to blame.
“I think they recarpeted,” pondered 1L Jane Witson adding, “possibly to cover up the stink of diarrhea from post-exam shit attacks.” Several sniffers from the part-time 3L constituency believe something far more sinister is afoot. “It smells like someone gutted a bear, and an old diaper, and got like, a chemical burn,” mused Scott Maxweed.
“No, it smells like someone puked in a shoe. A big ass clown shoe from that shitbeast Chris Dessing!” Said PT3L Amy Liedner.
Other stories of origin spanned from scientific classification to pure comic conjecture. 2L and IP student Mary Dupree suggested “Maybe it’s a combination of the NaCl from the ice-melt with the perfluoro-octane sulfonate in the stain-resistant treatment of the carpeting,” furthering suspicion that blame lays squarely with the new carpeting.
This theory was supported due to its sturdy chemical foundation until 4L Chuck Berring pointed out that there isn’t actually any new carpeting in the school, just a funky odor that reminded him of his golden retriever that time he gave it beer and Doritos.
While several hypotheses have been discussed, the most popular scent definitions seem to shift between “Bigfoot’s dick” and “your mom’s ass.”
When questioned by Stool staffers, the only faculty available for comment was Professor Doug Heidenreich who smiled cheerfully and said, “Ahh, the smell of fear. It’s good to be home.”
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Awkward hellos offered on first days of new semester
Hans Olo, The Stool
Students returned to the halls of William Mitchell this week, and many class acquaintances reconnected with either a short wave or a forced conversation.
“I saw this chick who was in my Copyrights class as I was sitting in the cafeteria thing, and waved to her” said 3L Ryan Nolan. “She came over and I was like ‘oh fuck. What the hell are we going to talk about?’ After the ‘how was your break’ and ‘that final wasn’t too bad’ conversations were over, I had nothing. Luckily she had to go to class.”
Many Mitchell students have faced similar situations this week. “I was walking to evidence and I saw someone who was in my tax class, but never talked to” 2L Lois Duncen told us. I was kind of looking at her out of the corner of my eye as she was coming towards me down the hall in case she waved or something. She looked at me as we were passing and said ‘hi,’ so I had to do the weird turn-around ‘hi’ thing. I hope she heard me, I don’t want to look like a bitch.”
Students returned to the halls of William Mitchell this week, and many class acquaintances reconnected with either a short wave or a forced conversation.
“I saw this chick who was in my Copyrights class as I was sitting in the cafeteria thing, and waved to her” said 3L Ryan Nolan. “She came over and I was like ‘oh fuck. What the hell are we going to talk about?’ After the ‘how was your break’ and ‘that final wasn’t too bad’ conversations were over, I had nothing. Luckily she had to go to class.”
Many Mitchell students have faced similar situations this week. “I was walking to evidence and I saw someone who was in my tax class, but never talked to” 2L Lois Duncen told us. I was kind of looking at her out of the corner of my eye as she was coming towards me down the hall in case she waved or something. She looked at me as we were passing and said ‘hi,’ so I had to do the weird turn-around ‘hi’ thing. I hope she heard me, I don’t want to look like a bitch.”
2L "wins," spazzes out
Franz Pincer, The Stool
After sweating out three full semesters of law school, 2L Les Grueber was amazed Tuesday to discover he had won. Grueber was astonished by his good fortune after picking up a particularly fit con law exam, noting his almost bragable A- grade complete with plucky commentary.
“I am completely freaking out,” Grueber gushed, “Jordan actually wrote me a note; it said ‘that’s the bugaboo’! I have no idea what that means, but now I know, you know? I mean I get it!! All this time I totally thought I couldn’t win! Woo Hoooo!!!!”
It has been speculated that a near perfect grasp of the dormant commerce clause in question two of the Powers final is what really solidified the win for Grueber, who has been spotted feeling unduly satisfied in Hachey to the irritation of fellow Hachey occupants.
Most other members of the Con Law section 4 class didn’t win. “That exam was the worst experience of my life,” Lamented classmate Keesha Riley, who added “Why does [the professor] hate us? He totally ruined Christmas!” before pounding several jager shots. She then threw up on herself.
When asked about the alleged “win,” 3L onlookers were unimpressed. Most noted that the uninvited ass-pounding one experiences during exams can take its toll, but once your soul has been destroyed by WRAP, there really aren’t any surprises anymore.
“Yeah, I wanted to beat the revelry right off that idiot’s fat head.” Said 3L Pete Schack. “But then I realized he is taking Advocacy which…should pretty much take care of things. Professor Knapp and his adjuncts will put a repeated smack down on that boastful fuckstain any day now.
After sweating out three full semesters of law school, 2L Les Grueber was amazed Tuesday to discover he had won. Grueber was astonished by his good fortune after picking up a particularly fit con law exam, noting his almost bragable A- grade complete with plucky commentary.
“I am completely freaking out,” Grueber gushed, “Jordan actually wrote me a note; it said ‘that’s the bugaboo’! I have no idea what that means, but now I know, you know? I mean I get it!! All this time I totally thought I couldn’t win! Woo Hoooo!!!!”
It has been speculated that a near perfect grasp of the dormant commerce clause in question two of the Powers final is what really solidified the win for Grueber, who has been spotted feeling unduly satisfied in Hachey to the irritation of fellow Hachey occupants.
Most other members of the Con Law section 4 class didn’t win. “That exam was the worst experience of my life,” Lamented classmate Keesha Riley, who added “Why does [the professor] hate us? He totally ruined Christmas!” before pounding several jager shots. She then threw up on herself.
When asked about the alleged “win,” 3L onlookers were unimpressed. Most noted that the uninvited ass-pounding one experiences during exams can take its toll, but once your soul has been destroyed by WRAP, there really aren’t any surprises anymore.
“Yeah, I wanted to beat the revelry right off that idiot’s fat head.” Said 3L Pete Schack. “But then I realized he is taking Advocacy which…should pretty much take care of things. Professor Knapp and his adjuncts will put a repeated smack down on that boastful fuckstain any day now.
3L tired of being told class participation is important
Kandice Neksne, The Stool
While Russ Stengel’s Agency prof went over the new syllabus during the first day of class this week, Stengel was displeased to see that 30% of his grade would come from class participation. “I would like to be left the hell alone is what I would like,” said Stengel. “I’m tired of mustering up the courage to talk in class two or three times a semester so the prof can cut me off at the knees. I just want to take notes, play some minesweeper, and do a little internet shopping. Is that too much to ask?”
For many profs, the answer evidently is "yes." “It’s nice when students chime in,” one professor told us on condition of anonymity. “when they do, I always get that ‘wow you’re an idiot, and I’m smart, and you’re in law school and I’m not’ rush. I live for it. It’s basically the whole reason I decided to teach.”
Some students, however, revel in the chance to bore their peers with inane blather a minute and twenty seconds before class is over. Those students are often the subject of many Sweeney’s and Billy’s-inspired bitch-sessions, and historically go on to become PI or tax attorneys.
While Russ Stengel’s Agency prof went over the new syllabus during the first day of class this week, Stengel was displeased to see that 30% of his grade would come from class participation. “I would like to be left the hell alone is what I would like,” said Stengel. “I’m tired of mustering up the courage to talk in class two or three times a semester so the prof can cut me off at the knees. I just want to take notes, play some minesweeper, and do a little internet shopping. Is that too much to ask?”
For many profs, the answer evidently is "yes." “It’s nice when students chime in,” one professor told us on condition of anonymity. “when they do, I always get that ‘wow you’re an idiot, and I’m smart, and you’re in law school and I’m not’ rush. I live for it. It’s basically the whole reason I decided to teach.”
Some students, however, revel in the chance to bore their peers with inane blather a minute and twenty seconds before class is over. Those students are often the subject of many Sweeney’s and Billy’s-inspired bitch-sessions, and historically go on to become PI or tax attorneys.
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