Franz Pincer, The Stool
A gaggle of students was recently observed huddled around Professor Radsan after a particularly vigorous Criminal Procedure lecture. The group was lingering to discuss that last really funny comment Radsan made about Scalia’s dissent in Wong Sun, but classmates believe it to be pure ass-kissing that left them loitering.
“What a bunch of Gunners!” laughed 3L Ally Ashby, “Like everyone doesn’t know they are all hanging around to suck up to him for participation points. Why don’t they just suck his dick!”
Noting that the group was made up of over-eager class participants, 2L Jay LaFrugh was overheard muttering insults as he became visibly whipped up during last Thursday’s class. “Seriously, you aren’t the only ones who read the fucking cases, God! Do you think you’re cool ‘cause you read the whole dissent? What the eff you grade-mongering douchebags!! If you fuck the curve I will fucking waste you!!”
One curve-fucking douchebag was questioned about [her] Professorial adoration and gushed, “He is just so incredibly brilliant! Do you know he reads French novels during the breaks? He has like a totally encyclopedic knowledge of judicial opinions - in chronological order!” Added another "Team Rad" member, “He is ex-CIA, do you have any idea what that means? He could make you go mentally retarded just by staring at you.”
No one has yet been reported as going retarded from the gaze of Radsan, but at the time of this writing no student was known to have actually sustained eye contact with the professor.
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Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
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The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.