Funky Smell Detected

Franz Pincer, The Stool

Curious grimaces and wrinkled noses peppered the faces of unwitting students and faculty last week when re-entering Mitchell after the break. While sources labor to uncover the source of the peculiar new aroma, the great thinkers and sniffers of the Mitchell Mix were hard at work devising theories as to the origin and/or reactive agents that could be to blame.

“I think they recarpeted,” pondered 1L Jane Witson adding, “possibly to cover up the stink of diarrhea from post-exam shit attacks.” Several sniffers from the part-time 3L constituency believe something far more sinister is afoot. “It smells like someone gutted a bear, and an old diaper, and got like, a chemical burn,” mused Scott Maxweed.

“No, it smells like someone puked in a shoe. A big ass clown shoe from that shitbeast Chris Dessing!” Said PT3L Amy Liedner.

Other stories of origin spanned from scientific classification to pure comic conjecture. 2L and IP student Mary Dupree suggested “Maybe it’s a combination of the NaCl from the ice-melt with the perfluoro-octane sulfonate in the stain-resistant treatment of the carpeting,” furthering suspicion that blame lays squarely with the new carpeting.

This theory was supported due to its sturdy chemical foundation until 4L Chuck Berring pointed out that there isn’t actually any new carpeting in the school, just a funky odor that reminded him of his golden retriever that time he gave it beer and Doritos.

While several hypotheses have been discussed, the most popular scent definitions seem to shift between “Bigfoot’s dick” and “your mom’s ass.”

When questioned by Stool staffers, the only faculty available for comment was Professor Doug Heidenreich who smiled cheerfully and said, “Ahh, the smell of fear. It’s good to be home.”