The Stool for all seasons

A Special Announcement from The Stool

As we begin the SBA elections and the faculty chuckle amongst themselves at our ham-fisted attempts at “governance,” we at The Stool would like to officially throw our hats in the ring as a write-in candidate for SBA President. Yes, we realize this is last minute. Yes, we realize you’re not familiar with our platform. Yes, we realize you – like us – couldn’t give two fucks about these absurd elections. Now, finally, you have a reason to care. Behold, The Stool’s platform:

1. When elected, we will immediately abolish all other offices and declare the SBA a monarchy.
2. The Monarch will make court appointments based on important physical characteristics, such as boob size and crotch bulgy-ness.
3. To show our disapproval during council sessions, we will shit in our hands and throw it at the offending party.
4. We will see to it that faculty are provided bullwhips and taser guns for those gunners who just can’t seem to shut the fuck up during class.
5. We will demand we be carried to and from classes on a litter manned by eunuchs trained in hand-to-hand combat in the jungles primeval of Laos.
6. The café thingy will give each student one free meal per week – if $20k per year can’t cover a slice of pizza every once in a while, then we have big problems.
7. Membership in a new student organization called Long Live The Stool And Its Incredibly Good Looking Phalanx Of Writers will become mandatory for students and faculty.
8. We will reserve the right to implement other changes based on whim and/or whimsy, whichever comes first.

To accomplish these important and reasonable goals, The Stool plans to implement a rigorous and hard-hitting advertising campaign around school using campaign posters. Watch for downloadable versions of these posters that you – our loyal and obviously incredibly intelligent readers – will be able to print out and post around school yourself. If we get to it. We’re really lazy. We might just put up a picture of ham.

Remember, for change that will make a difference, write in The Stool!