William Mitchell looking to add new category to diversity standards

Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool

After hours spent studying the latest diversity survey results, officials at William Mitchell discovered, to their horror, that the school is "dangerously close" to achieving perfect diversity.

"The categories are represented very equally," stated Ned Ossenbaum, William Mitchell's Diversity Consultant, "At least as equally as would be realistic in America today. As you might imagine, this presents a load of problems. If we were to achieve the perfect balance to the 'Mitchell Mix', we would effectively eliminate our diversity goal. Think of all of the jobs that would be lost! Every diversity scholar, every survey creator, heck, even my own job – flushed right down the drain!"

The school came up with a surprisingly simple solution: Add additional categories. Candidates for these new categories have been winnowed down to two.

"The first potential category is 'Meth Addict'," says Ossenbaum, "and the second is 'Bona Fide Terrorist'. We feel that both of these categories are dangerously underrepresented here at Mitchell. We'll add one to the list this year, and save the other until such a time as it might be needed."

A third category, "Horsefucker,” was eliminated because the Diversity Coalition could not come up with an appropriately PC title.