Starbucks announces new cost-saving measures

Jon McClay, The Stool

In an unprecedented attempt to drive down staggering costs in a frozen economic climate, Starbucks representatives today announced the company would be opening new stores in selected Caribou Coffee locations.

"Our customers are demanding more of us in this time when they have less," said Luke Donald, Mitchell alum and present Starbucks spokesperson. "To meet the need for great Starbucks coffee at a great price, we're proud to announce you'll soon be able to pick up a cup of your favorite Starbucks blend when you're at a participating Caribou Coffee establishment."

The plan is based on what Donald describes as "integral synergistic tendencies that are redundant in all Starbucks and Caribou locations." Simply put, the proposed marriage will feature Starbucks signage and branding in participating locations in the same vein as they exist in any pre-established brick-and-mortar establishments, such as a grocery store or library.

"It's a great opportunity for Starbucks," said Donald. "The Caribou brand is strong, and reinforcing that great brand with our own can only lead to success." When asked whether it would be awkward to let retail space from a primary competitor in that competitor's very store, Donald said, "we all need to work together -- especially during these times. With Caribou's multiple retail locations and our coffee, the sky's the limit. We, of course, intend to supply our own baristas."