4L convinced that students are becoming more attractive

Snivelsome Oldbean, The Stool

Each passing year at William Mitchell sees a new group of students. The old graduate or fade away into dim memories of failure, while a new, and oftentimes younger, crop of 1Ls come in to take their place; their eyes gleaming with eagerness to learn. Any Methuselah-type that lasts long enough to attain the coveted rank of 4L is certain to see many new faces over the course of his or her years at Mitchell. But could those younger faces actually be becoming more attractive? One student thinks so.

David Wooderson, a 52-year-old Custodian by day, fourth-year law student by night, is convinced that the student body is becoming more beautiful. “Look at how hot these chicks are getting!” Wooderson observed while sipping a fountain pop in Hachey Commons. “I mean shit. These chicks are way hotter than when I was a 1L. Way hotter. Shit, they’re even hotter’n when I was a 3L!”

When asked about this phenomenon, many of the mentioned 1L females reported that Wooderson was “creepy” or “disturbing”, and in some cases “a complete psycho.” “I seriously wish that he would fuck off and get his old balls out of my class,” said 1L Emily Harpenger, “And if I ever get another Facebook friend request from him I swear I’m going to get a restraining order.”

Wooderson takes it all in stride. “I know I’m a little older than them, but shit. I might not be able to buy the food, but I can sure look at the menu.” His eyes wander to a girl who walks by his table. “That’s what I like about these 1L girls. I get older, and they stay the same age.”