Jon Michael, The Stool
The bleak economic forecast is concerning for many of this year's crop of Mitchellites, but one upcoming speaker doesn't see what the problem is. "I'm happy to help point out to all of these bright future lawyers that I have a job, and they probably won't," said the Career Strategies for the Great Recession lecture speaker. "The best part is, I'm being paid to point out the obvious -- you have to love tuition."
Student attendees have a different outlook. "I think [the program] will be informative and useful," said 3L Lana Helms. "Of course, I don't need to work anymore. I went to New York City last week to meet with a business associate I met on the internet, and long story short, I happen to be the proud new owner of a certain historic bridge leading from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Law school is for suckers."
The Stool has been able to obtain a copy of the "What Now?" conference's schedule, listed below.
4:30-4:35 - Welcome
4:35-5:00 - Things are worse than you think they are
5:00-5:20 - You're all really fucked
5:20-5:35 - I, on the other hand, have a job and am not fucked like you, who are fucked
5:35-5:50 - Your loans will cripple you forever
5:50-5:55 - I drove here in a nice car
5:55-6:00 - Recap. You're completely fucked
6:00-6:05 - Closing. Handouts will overwhelm you on your fuckedness
6:05-6:10 - Pick up my check from Renate Behrendt
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
A William Mitchell Production
Board of Trustees abandons new school mascot due to school's conflict of interest with weiner industry
Letter from the Editor
A new decade, a new source of beryllium
My agents in the former Soviet republics have unearthed a cache of beryllium such that the Von Vanderbling name will forever be linked to this, the most popular of all alkaline earth metals. With the ensuing financial windfall I plan to take this vaunted news organization to unprecedented heights – children will weep in their beds at the mere thought of our awe-inspiring power. Women will stand up to urinate when contemplating the pancreas-crushing force of our collective will in modern media.
Hansfeld, my Palestinian houseboy, assures me I will soon be able to halt the nervous tugging on my scrotum in which I’ve recently engaged as a habit when poring over my financial numbers. Lift your glasses with me dear readers! To liberty! To diplomatic immunity!
Corriander Von Vanderbling
Editor in Chief
About The Stool
- The Stool
- The Stool is a comprehensive news source with offices in seven countries and a near-fanatical readership in Mozambique and parts of Burma. Look for new editions of The Stool every Thursday.
Disclaimer
The Stool is a satirical newspaper. The Stool uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this website - graphics, text and other elements - is (c) Copyright 2009 by The Stool, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Stool is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.