Judge not impressed by pants bulge

Duff McHammer, the Stool

2004 William Mitchell graduate Sven Martincoot was confused and outraged by the fact that an enormous pants bulge failed to win him his first trial.

Martincoot figured his good looks and dashing persona would easily win over the female judge and predominantly female jury, despite the fact that his client was likely guilty of first degree murder. To sweeten the pot, Martincoot decided to add "a little something" to his slacks in order to "really impress the ladies." Unfortunately for Martincoot, his scheme did not pay off.

On day one of the three-day trial, Martincoot had bulked up his trouser profile through the strategic use of a banana. "Hey, it's not like I'm lacking in that department," said Martincoot, "I just really wanted to turn heads."

After little attention was paid to the bulge on day one, on day two Martincoot opted for a kielbasa sausage. "Yeah, they definitely noticed it that second day. All of the chicks were looking," stated Martincoot, "but the trial still didn't seem to be going in my favor."

On the final day of trial, disaster struck when Martincoot showed up with a three-pound tube of ground beef stuffed into his britches. "It was awful. It started leaking and smelling really funny. Then the judge threatened me with contempt, so I had to go to the bathroom and remove [the beef]."

To make matters worse, the jury returned a verdict against Martincoot's client. "Next time I'll stick with sausage," he said.